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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Leaving my husband - what do I do now?

31 replies

Pink3489 · 08/02/2023 19:17

My husband is emotionally abusive. After 15 years together I have finally opened my eyes. We have a 3 month old baby (yes I know I am going to get an earful about having a baby with him but it's done now and she's perfect so I'm glad it happened). What do I do now? I have no money to my name. Do I call the council for a house? I have no family or friends and have no idea what to do? Please help me.

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 08/02/2023 20:32

I know of someone in a similar situation. Physiological and financial abuse, house and all assets in his name bit married.
she went to the police. She was issued with a non-molestation order meaning he can not come near her or the kids or the house.

In terms of the council she qualifies for a council house and was top of the list but is waiting for the court date to determine if she can stay in the house until their youngest is 18.

Her solicitor ( paid for by legal aid due to the domestic abuse) has said she will get minimum 50% value if the house. He owned it prior to their marriage but it was the family home.

Talk to women's aid they are there to support you.

samqueens · 08/02/2023 20:34

category12 · 08/02/2023 19:48

Please don't break the news to him, until you have had legal advice and know your next steps.

If he's emotionally and financially abusive, he may escalate to violence when he sees he is losing control of you.

Get things in place, before you tell him anything.

This ^^

when he is at work tomorrow call women’s aid and try to speak to, or make an appointment to see, a solicitor.

In addition:

Research available support in your area. Make sure to ask solicitor what you’d be entitled to if you were in a refuge while arrangements were made to sort out marital assets.

Make copies (take pics on phone if need be and ‘hide’ them) of ALL financial paperwork you can lay your hands on. Especially to do with house. His bank statements if you have access. All your bank statements.

get your essential items (passport/birth certificate/baby’s birth certificate etc) all together in a safe place.

it would be very unwise just to announce this to him - unless you want him to convince you to change your mind? If you are serious do some planning, get your ducks in a row, get some advice as to how to leave safely.

Really recommend Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (Download on kindle app) - it made me feel less crazy and alone.

good luck

Lovemycampervan · 23/07/2023 21:33
  1. Do everything as normal.
  2. contact WA
  3. They will refer you to a specialist Family Lawyer.
  4. or if this takes too long websearch specialist family lawyer ( who offers Legal Aid) in your area
  5. you may be immediately eligible for Legal Aid.
  6. You may be entitled to stay in the home long-term. Believe this.
  7. Family lawyer will advise you what to do if he is threatening/ domestically abusive. You’re in a better position re. the ultimate outcome if you stay in the home .
  8. Family lawyer will help you make a plan.
  9. Home in his name. Getting YOU, not him, into debt. Isolation from friends. Getting you to feel it’s your fault. …. Classic DA.
  10. ‘I feel like such a failure… my poor daughter’. No, not this. You can do this. You may well feel exhausted, scared, confused, defeated. You actually sound insightful, articulate, resourceful and resolved. You need expert, compassionate help. But you can do this.
  11. Check in with your GP if you don’t feel on top of things. PND isn’t weakness.
  12. People WILL help.
DustyLee123 · 23/07/2023 21:38

Do you have a bank account in your name only ? If not, open one now.
Change the child benefit so it’s paid into your own account.

tkwal · 10/12/2023 17:39

You can separate without leaving your home. You need to see a solicitor as soon as possible but in the meantime make a bedroom for you and your daughter to share...tell him it's so you don't disturb him when you have to get up during the night.
You also need advice on your rights so far as finance and housing. As others have said, get your ducks in a row before telling him anything

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/12/2023 17:47

You need to speak to a lawyer- you're married so half the house should be yours

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