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Original poster

Should I Tell My Friend About This?

33 replies

VicCros86 · 08/02/2023 18:48

First of all, name change as I have other friends who read these boards religiously and may make links to this.

So, I work in IT and a good friend of mine of 26 years asked me to look at her husband's laptop while he's "away on business" as it's been developing issues. As far as I know he's aware of this, but I'm not certain. She dropped it off to me the other night and as I ended up with an unexpected day off, I've been working on it but as part of sorting the issues have discovered he's a member of a dating/hook-up website called "ABF Heaven". I'd never heard of it but this site is to find people who share the kink/fetish of "adult breastfeeding" and from the messages he's been exchanging it appears he's been meeting women all over the country to indulge this fetish. It also looks like that is where he actually is away now, staying a whole week with a woman he's never met before, 200 miles away "to suckle night and day". He must also log in to his account on this site on his phone as there's been activity while I've had his laptop and it's his most visited page after Google, which is how I found it so easy when dealing with the problems.

I've never liked him personally though on top show we get along fine. They have 4 children, the youngest of which is 3 months old (and ironically being breastfed) and the oldest of which is only 9, so it will be catastrophic for her to discover this. I really don't want to tell her but I feel like I should. To me this is not only cheating but if he's being breastfed by lactating women, I'm sure there's an STD risk too. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before he's having sex with these women too, if not already.

In the meantime, I've taken and saved screenshots of everything he's been doing so she can have it as evidence in any (very likely) future proceedings. I had to back up all his data as part of the repairs so I know this could be helpful for her too.

As a good friend I feel I have to tell her what I know and as gently as possible. I'm not married but I'd want to know in her position. I'd like to know if this was you, would you want to be told too? I'm considering returning his laptop and advising him that I know what he's up to and say giving him 7 days to tell her and come clean or I will have to do it for him.

What does everyone else think? I've felt sick about this all day. Thanks in advance for your responses.

OP posts:
Outtasteamandluck · 08/02/2023 18:50

Oh gawd yes. Definitely.

Dacadactyl · 08/02/2023 18:50

Personally I'd tell him I knew and give him a week to tell her.

HyggeTygge · 08/02/2023 18:54

What an unusual situation!

Original poster
VicCros86 · 08/02/2023 18:58

HyggeTygge · 08/02/2023 18:54

What an unusual situation!

Very. From what I've seen on the site though, it seems quite a lot of married men want to indulge this fetish. I just wish I'd never seen it 🙁

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 08/02/2023 19:00

I doubt it is about sex but she still needs to be told. Just show her what you found. ASAP.
Or imo you are an accomplice.

FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie · 08/02/2023 19:01

It's probably why she dropped the laptop to you, she knows somethings wrong and trusts that you'll tell her if you found anything.

OrlandointheWilderness · 08/02/2023 19:02

Never mind giving him a chance to wriggle out of it, I'd be telling her tonight.

fantasmasgoria1 · 08/02/2023 19:09

Yes you should tell her, she obviously suspects something is amiss. I would want to know personally.

Original poster
VicCros86 · 08/02/2023 19:12

OrlandointheWilderness · 08/02/2023 19:02

Never mind giving him a chance to wriggle out of it, I'd be telling her tonight.

I did think that but she's looking after 4 children alone and her mum and dad who are her main support and childminders are away on holiday. Her in-laws are awful to her at the best of times so I'd rather her parents be back and indeed if I have to tell her, I'd want them there too. I've known them since I was 12 tooand get on great with them.

The husband has no idea that I know anything yet so until I do say something he thinks he's getting away with it.

OP posts:
Opal2022 · 08/02/2023 19:13

So he leaves her alone to struggle with 4 young children to indulge in his fetish. That is sickening. She deserves the truth and right away.

pigwood · 08/02/2023 19:19

She absolutely needs to know about this. God the poor lady . OP I really feel for you having to be the one to break the news. I think the sooner you tell her, the better . Plus telling her at the start of his trip away will give her time to process it and decide what to do without having to make any last minute decisions.
It would also give her time to sort finances out and put herself in a more stable position to leave him.

DuplicateUserName · 08/02/2023 19:19

HyggeTygge · 08/02/2023 18:54

What an unusual situation!

Isn't it though.

watchfulwishes · 08/02/2023 19:24

I wouldn't have looked at someone's laptop without their permission, I think it is very odd you agreed to that.

If you work in IT, then you are presumably supposed to respect the client's/owner's privacy (unless something illegal is found).

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 08/02/2023 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Magenta82 · 08/02/2023 19:29

You need to tell her OP. I think you need to do it as soon as possible its a horrible conversation to have but it's the right thing to do.

MyDogLucy · 08/02/2023 19:30

I would tell her. I would want to know. I feel like maybe she already has an idea, and that's why she's asked you to look at his laptop? It just strikes me as really odd that she'd drop his laptop to you without him knowing. Surely that's something you'd mention in passing to your partner/husband when they call or message you. 'Oh by the way, I asked Charlotte, my friend who works in IT, to have a look at your laptop and see if she can sort it out for for you'. At which point he'd presumably shit himself and rush home or find a reason for you to not look at it. There's no way I'd ask someone to look at my husbands laptop without even mentioning it to him.

Maybe I'm overthinking it! Anyway yes please do tell her. What a shit he is.

Original poster
VicCros86 · 08/02/2023 19:33

watchfulwishes · 08/02/2023 19:24

I wouldn't have looked at someone's laptop without their permission, I think it is very odd you agreed to that.

If you work in IT, then you are presumably supposed to respect the client's/owner's privacy (unless something illegal is found).

I often fix friends and family's laptops /tablets etc and always as favours/no money or gifts taken etc, just because I can help them. I know my friend told her husband she'd ask me to sort the laptop issue for him, I'm just not aware if he knows that she actually has and I have it at the moment.

My job is not actually fixing devices, I'm in programming and would never handle any customer data or personal devices in the course of my job. If I did and found something like this, it would be none of my business. The issue here is that I now know something that directly affects my dear friend. If I worked in computer repair and found this on a customer's laptop, I'd just ignore it as it wouldn't be my business. When my close friend's emotional and potentially physical health is at risk, I consider it my business.

OP posts:
Original poster
VicCros86 · 08/02/2023 19:37

MyDogLucy · 08/02/2023 19:30

I would tell her. I would want to know. I feel like maybe she already has an idea, and that's why she's asked you to look at his laptop? It just strikes me as really odd that she'd drop his laptop to you without him knowing. Surely that's something you'd mention in passing to your partner/husband when they call or message you. 'Oh by the way, I asked Charlotte, my friend who works in IT, to have a look at your laptop and see if she can sort it out for for you'. At which point he'd presumably shit himself and rush home or find a reason for you to not look at it. There's no way I'd ask someone to look at my husbands laptop without even mentioning it to him.

Maybe I'm overthinking it! Anyway yes please do tell her. What a shit he is.

She did tell him she'd ask me to look at it for him, I'm just not sure if he knows that she has and that I have it at the moment.

I think she thought as he was away it was a good time as he's obviously not using it. She thinks he's on business and this is his personal laptop that I have, not his work one.

I will tell her, I've no choice. Thanks to all of those who've given their advice. I appreciate it!

OP posts:
boysmum23 · 08/02/2023 19:44

tell her, go and see tonight her if you can!

wineNcheeseifYplease · 08/02/2023 19:59

Yes, tell her as soon as you can. Don't wait for her parents. That's making a choice for her that ahe might not make herself. Her H has already done enough of that for her already. It's going to hurt, but let her have agency over her own life.

MissMaple82 · 08/02/2023 20:36

It's one thing agreeing to look at someone's personal laptop without their permission, another to find visited sites and a whole other thing to actually search and read through their personal messages. Nosy mare springs to mind

rockingbird · 08/02/2023 20:47

Oh Lordy! Just when you think you've heard it all.. ffs 🤦‍♀️ please tell her, surely if it was your husband you'd want to know.

billy1966 · 08/02/2023 22:02

wineNcheeseifYplease · 08/02/2023 19:59

Yes, tell her as soon as you can. Don't wait for her parents. That's making a choice for her that ahe might not make herself. Her H has already done enough of that for her already. It's going to hurt, but let her have agency over her own life.

I agree.

Don't tell her tjis in front of her parents.

Give her the privacy of the shock.

God help her.

How awful.

Offer to stay with her if you can.

4 children.

What must he be spending on this!

Jacksfesteringresentment · 08/02/2023 22:04

MissMaple82 · 08/02/2023 20:36

It's one thing agreeing to look at someone's personal laptop without their permission, another to find visited sites and a whole other thing to actually search and read through their personal messages. Nosy mare springs to mind

Hardly the most pressing issue in this whole situation 🙄

pinkdelight · 08/02/2023 22:13

Are you absolutely certain she doesn't know? Unless I've missed something, I find it odd that the first assumption everyone makes is that his wife doesn't know what his sexual proclivities are. Especially when they're 4 DC in and she breastfeeds. My assumption would be that she most likely indulges him. Is there something in the correspondence you've nosed at that says otherwise? Because unless you're 1000% sure, it could be super awks for you to air your disgust when she's in on it already.

Either way, I'd keep my beak out, and wouldn't have got involved to start with.

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