Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do?

27 replies

Sometning · 07/02/2023 22:47

So I met this girl on tiktok and we started talking and things were great. We went on a few dates, she introduced me to her kids, I stayed with her at her house. Everything was perfect. We both have been done the same way so it’s like we gave each other security with how fast we’d respond to each other’s texts, acknowledge each other on social media, see each other frequently, etc

Her ex is extremely toxic and likes to interfere when someone he dated tries to move on. He got wind I guess of us and decided to message her on Facebook. He tried face timing, liked her TikTok’s, messaged. It was late and when she texted me that morning she told me about it and said it kept her up stressed all night and she wanted to tell me. Admittedly, I got mad and kind of overreacted. I told her if she knew he was going to message her she should have blocked him before he did it and if she had a relationship on her Facebook he likely never would have messaged her to begin with.

She got real upset and thought I was breaking up with her, but I wasn’t. I admittedly got mad for the rest of the day and when I calmed down now it feels like she’s pulling away from me. I talked to her and apologized and said I should have handled it better but I reacted over fear of losing her. She said she doesn’t want him and that she messaged him back telling him she was in a relationship and blocked him. I did see screenshots of that.

How do I fix this and was I in the wrong?

OP posts:
supercali77 · 08/02/2023 00:01

Yeah you were in the wrong. Maybe she needs better boundaries with him but that's something you can only advise. If the ex is too much for you, and she isn't putting down boundaries to help herself, then you get the choice to walk away. What you don't get is the right to berate and get angry at her for her pre existing friendship settings on social media.

Is this ex the one she has kids with? If so, he's not going anywhere so you need to decide if you can be supportive rather than another angry entitled man she has to deal with

RedHead33 · 08/02/2023 00:48

I do think you overreacted and to be honest your reaction would probably put me off. You've apologised and reassured her so now I'd back off slightly and let her come to you. If you keep on at her it will push her away more. If it happens again in future you just need be calm and be there for her as she was obviously stressed, although now he's blocked so it should be fine.

barmycatmum · 08/02/2023 02:55

Yeah. Your reaction is a big huge glaring red flag. It looks controlling. Work on yourself

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 03:02

She has kids, but is introducing them to randoms from tik tok. Sounds super intense and unhealthy. Don’t get involved with someone with a ‘crazy’ ex. Don’t go along with meeting children so soon. Grow up a bit and think about what you want in a relationship.

Original poster
Sometning · 08/02/2023 03:40

She has no kids with the guy. I just felt if our relationship was public maybe he would have stayed away

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 08/02/2023 06:01

Well sorry to say your reaction would be a big red flag to me and I wouldn’t be continuing. My ex used to over react and then ignore me for days. I’ve only started dating again recently but if my new bf overreacted to something like that I’d be ending it as no chance I’m going out with someone who has a fiery temper and over reacts at silly things again. All you can do is wait and see if she’s prepared to give it another go but no guarantee

BigSwingingJeremyClarkson · 08/02/2023 06:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

liveforsummer · 08/02/2023 06:44

I'd definitely pull away - you sound controlling and get angry very easily. You stayed mad all day so left her worrying over something that wasn't her fault and obsessing over relationship statuses on social media is ridiculous if you're an adult. All sounds like a bit too much drama and Co dependency anyway

GreyCarpet · 08/02/2023 06:46

Your reaction was as controlling as you claim her ex is.

FWIW, no, your relationship status being on fb would not have deterred him from messaging her. And she is not responsible for someone else's behaviour, only how she responds to it.

When did you find out she'd told him about you and blocked him? Straightaway? Or after you'd stopped being mad?

RebeccaCloud9 · 08/02/2023 06:51

Red flag - childish and controlling. To fix it, you need to change you attitude and your behaviour, not just apologize.

yodayoga1 · 08/02/2023 06:58

Why would you think putting her relationship status on FB would have kept him away? How bizarre.

GreyCarpet · 08/02/2023 07:38

yodayoga1 · 08/02/2023 06:58

Why would you think putting her relationship status on FB would have kept him away? How bizarre.

Quite. If he is toxic and likes to interfere when an ex moves on, surely a relationship status change would have been like a red rag to a bull.

Gawpygertie · 08/02/2023 07:44

Why did you react badly?
Ask yourself what was the point of being annoyed with your gf for not blocking her ex?
Her ex is the idiot not her.
And you of course. You behaved like a controlling idiot.

You need to learn some emotional maturity.

ShakespearesBlister · 08/02/2023 08:15

If he is toxic and likes to interfere then putting relationship on Facebook would have triggered him even more. Besides , how exactly did he 'get wind' of something only you two knew about? One of you obviously blabbed to someone and you knew it would get back to him eventually.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 11:12

Sometning · 08/02/2023 03:40

She has no kids with the guy. I just felt if our relationship was public maybe he would have stayed away

So they aren’t his kids meaning she has at least one other ex. The ex you refer to is ‘crazy’ and tbh you seem very immature and short tempered. Recipe for disaster. Stay away from this girl and grow up. Maybe look at your anger issues.

Original poster
Sometning · 08/02/2023 14:12

GreyCarpet · 08/02/2023 06:46

Your reaction was as controlling as you claim her ex is.

FWIW, no, your relationship status being on fb would not have deterred him from messaging her. And she is not responsible for someone else's behaviour, only how she responds to it.

When did you find out she'd told him about you and blocked him? Straightaway? Or after you'd stopped being mad?

When she first told me I asked her what she said. She told me she didn’t say anything and I think I said something along the lines of “well there’s not room for 3 of us, so much for a peaceful relationship I guess”

Then she said I could message him which I thought was unnecessary since it was her place to tell him the first time. If he left her alone at that point there was no reason to push the issue. She screenshot telling him she was in a relationship and for him to stop calling and messaging. She told me she did not feel right saying anything to him until she talked to me about it first. Which I understand now.

I’ve dated other exs this same guy has dated and he keeps tabs on them and harasses them and bounces from ex to ex. For some reason they all let him come back and he’s overdramatic and blocks them over the silliest things. Then contacts them a month or two later like nothing ever happened.

We are good now shes coming around again and telling me she doesn’t want to break up even tried to get me to spend the night with her last night and is staying with me this weekend.

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 08/02/2023 14:14

'A few dates' and you've met each other's kids? :S

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/02/2023 14:19

I’ve dated other exs this same guy has dated

Small village dating sucks. Cast your net wider, broaden your outlook, and work to improve your emotional health.

larchforest · 08/02/2023 14:19

I told her if she knew he was going to message her she should have blocked him before he did it.

She has a crystal ball, does she?

Of course you are in the wrong. Come on, you are being completely unreasonable here, and she did tell you straight away.

SunsetStrip · 08/02/2023 14:19

Crikey, you sound awful. How in earth is it her fault? I would want to see you again. You need to work on your own insecurities and stop projecting them in others.

SunsetStrip · 08/02/2023 14:20

I wouldn't want to see you again, that should say.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 15:08

Sometning · 08/02/2023 14:12

When she first told me I asked her what she said. She told me she didn’t say anything and I think I said something along the lines of “well there’s not room for 3 of us, so much for a peaceful relationship I guess”

Then she said I could message him which I thought was unnecessary since it was her place to tell him the first time. If he left her alone at that point there was no reason to push the issue. She screenshot telling him she was in a relationship and for him to stop calling and messaging. She told me she did not feel right saying anything to him until she talked to me about it first. Which I understand now.

I’ve dated other exs this same guy has dated and he keeps tabs on them and harasses them and bounces from ex to ex. For some reason they all let him come back and he’s overdramatic and blocks them over the silliest things. Then contacts them a month or two later like nothing ever happened.

We are good now shes coming around again and telling me she doesn’t want to break up even tried to get me to spend the night with her last night and is staying with me this weekend.

Show quote history

God you are all drama llamas. Why are you and this man sleeping with all the same women? It’s absolutely disgusting. Seriously, stop shagging women left, right and centre and getting yourself in to these teenage bloody non dramas. I really feel for this woman’s children and I sincerely hope you are child free.

Jellycatspyjamas · 08/02/2023 15:31

So I met this girl on tiktok and we started talking and things were great. We went on a few dates, she introduced me to her kids, I stayed with her at her house. Everything was perfect.

Theres nothing about this that is perfect. Some random on TikTok who happens to have an ex who is also the ex of previous people you’ve dated. A few dates and you’ve met her kids and stayed at her house (with the kids there?).

Thats all the wrong way round. By all means pick up women on TikTok if that’s your thing, but a quick introduction to her kids isn’t a good thing for anyone involved. Nor is recycling the same women through the same men repeatedly. You knew there was a chance her ex would react, and then you reacted to his actions by taking it out on her?

I hope she sees you and ends it. I hope you grow up.

Pseudonamed · 08/02/2023 16:38

Do you all live in Shrewsbury?

Christ all very childish.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 08/02/2023 16:42

AllOfThemWitches · 08/02/2023 14:14

'A few dates' and you've met each other's kids? :S

Scary isn't it

Swipe left for the next trending thread