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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeking a woman's advice

27 replies

bmuk · 07/02/2023 16:55

Hi.
Just after some womanly advice.
I'm a man and been with my partner for 8 years. Things haven't been too great for the past couple of years but I thought we were getting better
I've recently found a photo that proves she's had another man in the house while I've been away working. And another photo proving the same man was in tye house last summer whilst I was away

Obviously I was not happy about this. But she stayed calm and just said it was a friend and she know how it looks but it's all innocent

I don't actually know what to belive.

I think its wrong to have a other man in the house and not tell me snd hide it but she's not gotbonye defensive either which I thought she would of if I had caught her out.

Am I jumping to conclusions? Or is there more to it? My gut says more to it but I do want to belive her

Thanks

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 07/02/2023 17:05

If he was a friend surely you would have met him in 8 years? Why were there pics of him in your house? I would not be happy if it were my dp having a woman in our house I can tell you especially if I did not know them and I was away.

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 17:07

You haven’t given enough information. Was there a party or gathering? Why was your wife taking pictures of him in your house? It could be entirely innocent. Seems a bit of an extreme reaction from you based on the above information

RoseslnTheHospital · 07/02/2023 17:10

What are the pictures of? Have you ever heard of this male friend before? Why are you automatically suspicious of your wife having an affair?

Why have things been bad for the last couple of years?

(none of these questions have anything to do with me being a woman)

Poppymil · 07/02/2023 17:12

If they aren't of a party with a few people there I would be asking questions

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 17:13

Was it just the two of them? What are the pictures of? Does she ever speak about him? Does he come to the house when you're there?

Original poster
bmuk · 07/02/2023 17:30

Sorry. I'll give a bit more information.

He popped up as a friend you may know on a social media site. Didnt recognise him so clicked on it

The was a photo of 2 alcoholic drinks. I DID recognise my kitchen and kitchen bench. That's when I said something to her

There's been lots if little things aswell. Finding lager boxes hidden away in pet food boxes when I come home, Finding rollys in the ashtray in the garden, nine of us smoke rollys.

Just little things that didn't quite add up.....then obviously I saw that photo and recognised my kitchen

I still don't know what to belive. She seems genuinely beliveable when she explained, said she bumped into him at tye corner shop and got talking and had a drink. Didnt want to tell me cos she knew I wouldn't be happy. I'd rather she did. I just don't know what to think

It's hard for me aswell as I live 2 and half hours from where I'm from so don't really know anyone here, get my kid at weekends when I'm home and then away working again for 2 weeks. Doesn't really give us much time together yet she doesn't seem bothered by it

Hope I'm just jumping to conclusions and it really is all innocent

OP posts:
MushMonster · 07/02/2023 17:32

It would not sit well with me if my DH had not told me he had a friend over while I was away, and a woman. I would be asking questions too and digging deeper.
Or either there is a trust issue and your DP thinks you are of a jealous nature or she is covering something. Keep asking, who is this person? Where she met him? Why did she not mention him before?

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 17:34

Yeah things aren’t right there. Your life is unsustainable.

MushMonster · 07/02/2023 17:35

You find random things in your house....
Now I am suspicious.
Ask questions.

GreyCarpet · 07/02/2023 17:35

This wouldn't sit right with me at all.

I have male friends and they sometimes come round to the house or I meet up with them when my boyfriend isn't here. BUT he has met them, considered at least one of them a friend of his now too and, crucially, I would never keep it a secret from him. And we don't live together

RoseslnTheHospital · 07/02/2023 17:36

But who is he? Some random she met in a corner shop and invited home? That seems a bit odd? Or does she mean he's someone she's known for a while that she bumped into and invited round?

The beer and cigarettes clearly mean that people are around in your house that you don't know about, which is weird. I'd expect her to say that x, y and z were round hanging out rather than hide it from you.

Original poster
bmuk · 07/02/2023 17:44

She says it's a lad she's known from school. I've never met him. Not even heard her talk about him. But if she bumped into someone she knew, she would invite them round....its the type of thing she'd do.

But something doesn't feel right. I don't know whether to believe her or not. Id be away if i had some solid proof, she knows that and She couldn't cope running a house by herself financially either

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 17:45

bmuk · 07/02/2023 17:44

She says it's a lad she's known from school. I've never met him. Not even heard her talk about him. But if she bumped into someone she knew, she would invite them round....its the type of thing she'd do.

But something doesn't feel right. I don't know whether to believe her or not. Id be away if i had some solid proof, she knows that and She couldn't cope running a house by herself financially either

She is absolutely full of it, sorry. Why are you running pillar to post and working so far away all the time?

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 17:49

Does she have mutual friends with him on Facebook?

Original poster
bmuk · 07/02/2023 17:50

I was thinking that. I have no proof though, bar that photo.

It's my job, done it since before I met her. It's a well paid one and suits me for getting my son so won't be leaving it any time soon. I'm used to being away aswell. Obviously it's looking like I know the reason why she likes me working away now aswell 😪

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 17:52

bmuk · 07/02/2023 17:50

I was thinking that. I have no proof though, bar that photo.

It's my job, done it since before I met her. It's a well paid one and suits me for getting my son so won't be leaving it any time soon. I'm used to being away aswell. Obviously it's looking like I know the reason why she likes me working away now aswell 😪

Yeah it might suit you but it’s not conducive to family life or any kind of romantic life is it? She still obvs shouldn’t be cheating

5128gap · 07/02/2023 18:14

Any other signs she's having an affair? Different phone behaviour for example? I doubt very much she's going to wait until she sees him in the shop to communicate if its an affair rather than just some company, so there are likely to be signs of messaging, phone guarding etc.

Original poster
bmuk · 07/02/2023 18:50

She's always on her phone. And always puts it face down.....always has so no differnt than the past 8 years or so
She's being totally fine with me since I asked her aswell.....no defensive etc like I would expect if I caught her out.
It's a strange one, really not sure what to think

Thanks for all the replies though. It's appreciated

OP posts:
Christmaspyjamas · 07/02/2023 18:57

If he was involved in an affair he'd have to be fairly stupid or very brazen to post photos publicly on his social media. So there is that.

But if your gut is telling you it's wrong can you not suggest you meet him.

What do you mean by large boxes hidden within other boxes?

fruitbrewhaha · 07/02/2023 18:59

Hmmm. I wouldn’t say it’s conclusive. Do you live in a village or street where your know lots of people? Or your DP knows lots of neighbours? Is she pretty sociable and likely to have mates around etc? It’s hard to say without knowing what she is normally up to.

Original poster
bmuk · 07/02/2023 19:22

Christmaspyjamas · 07/02/2023 18:57

If he was involved in an affair he'd have to be fairly stupid or very brazen to post photos publicly on his social media. So there is that.

But if your gut is telling you it's wrong can you not suggest you meet him.

What do you mean by large boxes hidden within other boxes?

Sorry, lager boxes hidden in pet food boxes. She doesn't drink lager.....well, very very rarely. And I know I didn't drink them as I'd been away for 2 weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
bmuk · 07/02/2023 19:27

fruitbrewhaha · 07/02/2023 18:59

Hmmm. I wouldn’t say it’s conclusive. Do you live in a village or street where your know lots of people? Or your DP knows lots of neighbours? Is she pretty sociable and likely to have mates around etc? It’s hard to say without knowing what she is normally up to.

We moved into a new house bout 18 month ago. Don't know anyone on the street. She is sociable and I know she does know alot of people. She usually goes to a friends or has a friend round when im away.....although now im just wondering if thats just what shes been telling me as i used to be prettt trusting when it came to me being away.
I'm new to this area, only moved here to be with her so i dont know anyone here really. Met her when I worked down here.

OP posts:
MushMonster · 07/02/2023 19:28

A friend from childhood. Ok that can be, perfectly normal to invite people around the house. But strange tgat she will not say anything to you.
Does she not tell you how her day was? Don't you ask? And she would say, "oh just bumped into ...... and invited them for a glass of wine. Had a good catch up"
You need to sit her down and talk about and that you would like to know how her day is.

The boxes within boxes or cigarette butts may be explained if she is sociable and she frequently has people in the house, but I would expect to tell a partner about it. Maybe she had bad experiences with partners being controlling or jealous? I would be digging.
I see you are away for work often, so normal that she has some social life of her own, but not normal this silence about it.

Pinkbonbon · 07/02/2023 19:43

The lack of basic morals and respect would be a problem for me.

Imo it's generally not ok for a married person to be hanging out somewhere private, alone with someone of the opposite sex. Because that's disrespectful to their partner.

Are there exceptions? Yes. If you have known this person years and they are a really good friend (and that's all its ever been). Of course, your partner would also know of them if this was the case.

You've never even met this guy. And she didn't even tell you he was hanging out privately with her. Cheating or not, it's disrespectful as fuck.

If my partner did it he'd be dumped sooner than he could say 'but she's just a friend'.

If you meet an old friend who is a guy and want to catch up, you go to a pub. You don't take them to your house when your husband is away.
That's just not remotely OK.

Original poster
bmuk · 25/04/2023 13:55

Just an update on this.

It turns out she had been having an affair for 2 and a half years. Found out about 10 days after posting this as the person she was having an affair with, the person i suspected sent me a msg on FB telling me everything

It nearly killed me when I found out. She admitted everything but seems very cold and heartless like she doesn't really care
She's still living in the house I'm paying for rent free as I've moved back north. House is on the market yet she doesn't seem to be in any hurry to move out 🙄

I just don't get how anyone can do what she has done. It's disgusting

OP posts: