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Original poster

Dumped because of sex

40 replies

littlefirez · 07/02/2023 14:24

Hi, I'm just after some advice. I'm 38 and finally met someone I genuinely felt a connection to, he was recently out of a 15 year relationship/marriage with a young child but there didn't seem to be any red flags (although perhaps being newly separated is the biggest red flag of all). We spoke for four months and went on some wonderful dates - we lived in different cities and my work meant we were unable to meet as much as we'd have liked but we were in touch every day, it felt mutual, we both seemed to like and respect each other. My work situation changed and we thought we'd see each other a little more regularly but then he ended things a few weeks ago by text. I honestly thought he was better than that. He said when we'd had sex it hadn't always felt right.

We've only had sex three times with lengthy gaps in between and he had some performance issues, either unable to come or unable to stay hard, but I was understanding and hadn't taken it personally. He thinks this is a sign we should just be friends, I think it's more of him issue than an us issue, as he didn't seem surprised by it, he just seemed really shy which I put down to being with the same person for so long. Since the breakup he's said he thinks I'm amazing and he's never met anyone like me and says he misses talking to me.

I think there is so much there to throw it away on the basis of the sex not being quite perfect yet seems a real waste and something we could have communicated openly about as we did have good chat (honestly I didn't think the sex was terrible, I've had far worse!). I told him I can't be his friend but the last few weeks without him have been horrible.

I wasn't planning our future or anything unhealthy like that, I was just really enjoying getting to know him and everything had felt good, until it didn't. I've dated a lot so I know it's unusual to feel like this about someone. I'm not going to wait and hope, but I just wonder if he'll shut me out forever or he'll realise that maybe the sex thing isn't about me. I've always had good reports about this from other partners and am confident in bed. I am also thought of as attractive (not bragging). He's made me feel unattractive and unconfident but I feel like he's projecting. Any advice? I haven't blocked him but I am not in touch with him right now.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 07/02/2023 14:26

Sounds like the problem is his. Time to move on.

MrLbz · 07/02/2023 14:27

He's not ready for a new relationship yet.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2023 14:27

He said the sex didn't feel right. You're making it all about you. He hasn't made it all about you, it just didn't feel right to him. Stop projecting.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2023 14:29

And honestly, if he couldn't come or keep erect and you though it was good sex, then he sounds like he could keep it going long enough or do other things to please you, but he wasn't getting the same out of it. Or you've had truly bad sex and have low standards.

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 07/02/2023 14:34

I guess if he wasn’t feeling it then he wasnt? I’d be prettty upset if I felt I wasn’t sexually compatible with someone and didn’t really want to have sex with them and they felt I should keep trying :/

WhoNeedsSleepNotISaidMyBody · 07/02/2023 14:37

I'm sorry, it's sad when you think you've met someone great, but it doesn't work, especially when you think it could have been sorted out between you.

im guessing it's much more to do with his 'recently separated' situation. Maybe they're talking ' he's thinking about trying again & feels guilty?

maybe he's had issues before & was hoping it would be different with someone new & exciting, and was disappointed when it wasn't (& embarrassed)

who knows

I know it sucks, but it would be much better for you if you can move on. You found one bloke, that wasn't a total twat, you'll find another!!

PositiveIntelligence · 07/02/2023 14:38

Celebrate that you have ben spared and dodged a bullet

if not a sex problem it is for sure a communication problem and ending things via text tells you everything you need to know

WatieKatie · 07/02/2023 14:41

Don’t take it personally OP. You mustn’t let this knock you.

It could be anything, including too soon following the breakdown of his relationship. As a side note, I’m very particular about what I enjoy sexually and now I’m in my 40s, if it doesn’t hit the spot (for whatever reason) I don’t continue to see them. Often nothing to do with them. I just know what I want having experienced it before.

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 16:00

Thank your lucky stars. He has a problem with sex or he doesn’t fancy you or he has performance issues. No one is worth taking that all on for.

TicketBoo23 · 07/02/2023 16:40

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 16:00

Thank your lucky stars. He has a problem with sex or he doesn’t fancy you or he has performance issues. No one is worth taking that all on for.

This.

Also he's clearly not "better than that" re ending things by text.

Pretty disrespectful and cowardly

Naunet · 07/02/2023 20:04

TicketBoo23 · 07/02/2023 16:40

This.

Also he's clearly not "better than that" re ending things by text.

Pretty disrespectful and cowardly

Show quote history

Agree.

I think he’s likely not ready for a relationship but may want you to still invest time in him, which as you’ve told him you can’t be his friend, it sounds like you won’t tolerate, and you shouldn’t. Don’t invest your time and energy into his ego. X

Tron80 · 07/02/2023 20:45

With kindness Op, I suspect he did not feel the attraction. It is definitely a "him" issue, in that he is not really feeling it .

Move on Op.

Cas112 · 07/02/2023 20:51

I don't get what your question is.. he said the sex wasn't right for him and he no longer wants to continue. That's the end of that, he can end a relationship on any basis he wants to be grateful he hasn't led you on

xfan · 07/02/2023 21:44

Did you want more from this relationship (in the future) like children/possible marriage? You seem overly invested. Do you have much else going on that's important in your life apart from this bloke?

MaxTalk · 07/02/2023 22:11

Cas112 · 07/02/2023 20:51

I don't get what your question is.. he said the sex wasn't right for him and he no longer wants to continue. That's the end of that, he can end a relationship on any basis he wants to be grateful he hasn't led you on

Yep. He seems pretty fair - he wanted better sex from his relationship and so is moving on.

NoDatingForOldMen · 07/02/2023 22:15

Cas112 · 07/02/2023 20:51

I don't get what your question is.. he said the sex wasn't right for him and he no longer wants to continue. That's the end of that, he can end a relationship on any basis he wants to be grateful he hasn't led you on

Yep 100% this

WandaWonder · 07/02/2023 22:19

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2023 14:27

He said the sex didn't feel right. You're making it all about you. He hasn't made it all about you, it just didn't feel right to him. Stop projecting.

Yes all this

Circumferences · 07/02/2023 22:27

Yes sorry OP, he's said how he feels, he's not horny for you, that's not your fault in the slightest it's just how it goes. Don't humiliate yourself by pursuing this.

I think he was a harsh telling you that though. He could have been more polite, and just said "I'm not in the right place right now" or something like that, the fact he basically said "I like you but I don't like sex with you" was frankly a bit bitchy so I'd run a mile now.

Phoebesgift · 07/02/2023 22:31

Sounds like he wanted more mutual sexual chemistry. For him it wasn't there. Perhaps he doesn't know exactly why or he does know and is sparing your feelings. Either way it's time for you to move on. This man is not right for you. He is looking for someone different. You don't want to be his friend so that's that. Nothing else to think about/discuss.

Summerfun54321 · 07/02/2023 22:44

Are you sure he's actually separated? It could be the prospect that you suddenly have more free time to see him but that doesn't actually work with his married life schedule.

RedDogBlueDog · 07/02/2023 22:55

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

funnyren · 07/02/2023 23:01

We've only had sex three times with lengthy gaps in between and he had some performance issues, either unable to come or unable to stay hard, but I was understanding and hadn't taken it personally. He thinks this is a sign we should just be friends

He sounds like one of those men with ED issues. Taking it as a sign you should be friends 🤔

Sux2buthen · 08/02/2023 12:18

This reply has been deleted

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

😂😂literally no evidence for this fgs.
Bloke passed on someone after a few dates, not feeling it. It is allowed

Watchkeys · 08/02/2023 12:50

Why do you think this has anything to do with how attractive you are? Is he qualified to give an objective and definitive conclusion on this? Why is his opinion worth so much to you?
What if the sex didn't feel right to him because he's not ready? What if your stunning beauty was intimidating for him? You're only considering the option that brings you down: why? This is about your view of you, not his view of you.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 08/02/2023 13:30

Bloke's perspective here. It sounds exactly like he has self confidence issues with sex. It's highly probable that he hadn't had sex for a long while before he met you if his previous relationship was on the decline.

Him ending your relationship sounds like it was his way of dealing with it to avoid further embarrassment and feelings of inadequacy. The fact that he still wants to be in touch with you pretty much confirms it, I reckon.

It isn't my place to tell you what to do but I think if you were to contact him and explain how you feel and that you can work together on the issue the relationship could blossom. As you have said, there's too much there to just throw away.

Best of luck to you both!

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