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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I needy?

27 replies

Needyorno · 07/02/2023 12:11

Hi all

I would like some outside perspective on this. I'm happy to be told I am being needy if I genuinely am, but I don't know

I had a fwb for a year or so, I told him I was going to date other people as I wanted a long term relationship. During this year, he was hot and cold with me, sometimes acting like he wanted more and then backtracking pretty quickly as soon as I showed any interest in turning it into a real relationship. It got into a ridiculous cycle and I was fed up.
I went on a few dates with different men, finally one seemed to feel like a good fit and was very much on the brink of turning into a relationship
I think fwb sensed my lack of interest and that I was moving on and then decided to ask if we could have an actual relationship. He said he didn't want to lose me, had feelings for me, just too scared to commit before
I decided to break it off with the new man I was dating and give it a go with fwb. It's only been about 2 months and I'm exhausted with it. I went into the relationship telling him that I wanted something serious and long term and that I wasn't willing for the half arsed casual fwb situation to continue, just being called someone's girlfriend isnt good enough for me and that I expected him to keep to his word if he wanted an actual relationship
He sees me only on the weekends, sometimes he'll go out with his friends instead, I never get 'allocated' another day, we just skip a week of seeing each other. I wouldn't mind if I saw him on a Friday and then he went out with friends on a Saturday, but this seems to not be an option, for no apparent reason. He does say I'm welcome to join them, but at one point I saw him with his friends every week for a month and we never saw each other separately. I like his friends but I don't want to see them all the time and I'm happy to keep friendships fairly separate from relationships. I think it's important to get on with them, but not completely intertwine friendship groups to the point you go everywhere as a couple

He's not the most affectionate person, which I struggle with as I do like a cuddle or sex fairly regularly. I'm not clinging onto him for dear life and I don't like alot of PDA. We have arranged for him to stay at mine after going out for a few hours at the weekend then he's dropped it on me that he's going to go home instead and doesn't want to stay over. I wouldn't be as bothered if I knew he had to be up early the next day or told me in advance, but I do feel put out when we don't see each other that frequently.

He says I'm needy and come across controlling when I feel put out that I won't see him for a few weeks if he's got plans with his friends. I don't shout at him about it, but I do feel like he doesn't make space for this relationship and I don't feel like we've moved past fwb stage except for the fact he's told his friends and family that I'm his girlfriend now. He also thinks I'm not committed as only my friends know about us, I just don't feel like broadcasting it to my family while it doesn't feel like a real relationship

Sorry I didn't mean for it to be so long. Basically I need to know if I am acting needy and controlling and need to sort myself out or leave

OP posts:

Minikievs · 07/02/2023 12:15

I always used to feel that I was needy. And then someone pointed out to me that I'm not needy. I'm just not having my needs met.

Needy is an awful word and an awful way to describe someone. You made it clear what your expectations are, and he's not meeting them. HE is the one who's not fulfilling his side of the relationship.

He sounds emotionally draining, and two months in, I would be tired of it and call it a day.

Ghostbuster2639 · 07/02/2023 12:18

A reasonable expectation of any relationships is that the other person is actually in it. He is not. He’s bread crumbing you. Bin him off.

2crossedout1 · 07/02/2023 12:18

I agree - describing you as needy is unkind. He sounds selfish, just doing what he wants and not caring how you feel about it.

gamerchick · 07/02/2023 12:21

Sounds like he's happy with the FWB situation and would rather keep it. Words mean nothing, it's actions that count.

Maybe it's time to move on properly and find someone to build a foundation with. You're not going to get it from this dude by the sounds of it.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 07/02/2023 12:21

Throw this one back OP, he's not relationship material and you're certainly not needy

Original poster

Needyorno · 07/02/2023 12:22

I didn't know if I was being unreasonable if we're skipping seeing each other because I don't want to just join in when he's going out with his friends, I don't mind maybe once a month doing that, but I don't feel like it's really quality time together, especially if we're going back to our respective homes afterwards

OP posts:

Neodymium · 07/02/2023 12:26

Get rid of him! He wasn’t interested until you were with someone else. He’s messing with you. I’d cut all contact and move on.

Deathbyfluffy · 07/02/2023 12:29

I usually try and stand up for men on here where appropriate, but don't feel I can here.
He's treating you awfully, you need to leave.

Opaljewel · 07/02/2023 12:29

I'd say call it like it is. A spade is a spade.

He is not your boyfriend. He certainly isn't acting like one. Never let a guy make you feel unreasonable because you're expecting the norm and he is so far removed from the norm.

He is either very immature and doesn't understand relationships. Or he just doesn't care about you.

Either one is not on you, you deserve to feel good about yourself in a relationship. Dont let him make you feel shit for expressing your reasonable needs in a relationship. Time to throw this one back, in future don't ignore your intuition. It's there for a reason.

Original poster

Needyorno · 07/02/2023 12:29

The last weekend he brought a valentine's card with him, so I guess he wasn't planning on seeing me until then. He was meant to stop over but apparently didn't want to that day because I was ill. We'd spoken about it the day before and he said he'd still come over. When I left he asked if I was taking the card and I said no.
I went back to a friends house after and text him to say it didn't seem worth continuing with the relationship, he then decided to go to my house and text me when he got there so I had to go let him in. He said he did want to come over...
If someone treated my friends this way, I know what I'd be telling them tbh

OP posts:

Opaljewel · 07/02/2023 12:30

Tell yourself it then op! You treat yourself as you wish to be treated. This includes not letting men treat you like an option. Take control say bye and ignore his empty pleas.

Christmaspyjamas · 07/02/2023 12:32

You're not needy but you are being very stupid to expect this from him.

You're not going to get this from him so accept that and find someone else to date.

This guy doesn't want to be your boyfriend. Someone else will. Stop wasting your time.

nc345678 · 07/02/2023 12:33

Look, you've given it a go. Perhaps you'd always have wondered had you not tried it, but now you have. You're not 'needy'- everyone has different needs and expectations in a relationship and it's become obvious now that you aren't singing from the same hymn sheet on this one. Now you can refocus on what IS important to you in a relationship and cut ties for good with this one, otherwise you'll never find the right man for you.

rwalker · 07/02/2023 12:33

Possibly he wants more than fwb set up
I think your poles apart in what ether of u want out of this relationship
he certainly doesn’t want to commit as much as u do

MargaritMargo · 07/02/2023 12:39

You don’t sound needy at all. It sounds like your expectations of a relationship are aligned with the majority of people.

The reality is - he does not want a relationship. Or he does not want to give you the level and quality of a relationship you want / deserve.

You’re not asking for anything unreasonable. But you are being unreasonable to expect this person to give you want you want / need, based on what he has demonstrated so far.

to quote the old cliche - he’s just not that into you.

its not you OP, it’s him. You tried, it’s not making you happy. Call it a day and give yourself the chance of meeting someone who likes you enough to commit to a proper relationship and all the things which come with that.

He’s not ready nor able to deliver for you. Stop wasting your time

Itgoesalittlesomethinglikethis · 07/02/2023 12:42

You didn't come across as needy. He sounds hard work.

Original poster

Needyorno · 07/02/2023 12:53

Thanks for the kind words. Felt on edge the last week, starting to change my behaviour so I don't seem as interested in him for fear of being called needy and then being told I'm being extreme to suggest maybe only seeing each other every few weeks if he's struggling with getting time to see his friends as he said I was controlling about when he wants to see them as if I'm stopping him from having a social life.
I think if I stayed, I would be forever second guessing my behaviour to come across in the correct way. Guess I'll need to talk to him tonight

OP posts:

Furrydogmum · 07/02/2023 12:59

He put a spoke in your new relationship so he could carry on where he was comfortable! Walk away.

Watchkeys · 07/02/2023 13:05

Nobody is regarded as needy when they're with a compatible partner, and there's no 'correct' level of neediness.

If someone makes you feel needy, then you are too needy for them. It's a statement on their preferences, not a statement on you. Like if someone says their food is too hot, it's not that nobody would be able to eat it, it's that they personally prefer it cooler.

A good rule of thumb is to distance yourself from people who make you feel you're faulty.

user467892 · 07/02/2023 13:28

But if he made the effort to see you in the week then him seeing his friends one night on the weekend wouldn't even be an issue - it's the fact he doesn't see you all week and then see's his friends on your time together! How doesn't get get that

Ihadenough22 · 07/02/2023 13:28

One of my friends was in your position a few years ago. She knew this man for a while and wanted a relationship with him. They got into a fwb situation. Everything was about what suited him. He was blowing hot and cold.
My friend had let this situation go on for a while due to a few reasons.

She asked him to meet up with her one day and he cancelled meeting her at the last minute. He then told her a load of lies and she found this out.
My friend then found out that he had a new girlfriend via someone they both knew.
Within a few months he was living with his new girlfriend and she got pregnant quickly.

My friend is still single but she is happy and life is good for her.

Mine while my friend started to hear things back about him. To be honest his life is a bit of a mess at the moment. He would be in a far better position now if he had gotten together with my friend a few years ago.

My friend said to me back then I was good enough for sex but I was not good enough to be his girlfriend when the truth was I was to good for him.

In your case he agreed to be your boyfriend to keep his sex life going and to spend time with of his choosing. He is not making any effort for you. You need to tell him it's over as you want a proper relationship that might end up going somewhere. You may want marriage or kids in time and you need to meet someone who wants the same.
I know several women who ended so called relationships and they went on to meet men who wanted the same as them.

supercali77 · 07/02/2023 13:33

I can recommend the book 'Mr unavailable and the fallback girl' you'll probably see some obvious similarities and patterns of behaviour. They blow hot and cold, they prefer a relationship at a lukewarm temperature, not too hot but not cold, it feels like continual push and pull, you're discredited as needy.

Either way this wasn't what you wanted, so rather than analyse yourself for 'neediness', decide your needs are perfectly valid. You gave him a chance and it didn't work. It's not you x

Pinkbonbon · 07/02/2023 13:43

Hes just your standard narcissist
So of course he suddenly wanted to date you when you were with someone else. They like to break people up. And they need to be the centre of your attention. It doesn't mean that they care a jot about you.

This is why I avoid fwb. I could do it but all to often the men that look for these relationships are narcs. They want you to fall in love with them and put them on a pedestal. Then they blow cold and act like you are the clingy one. It's mind games galore.

Learn how to spot narcissists (npd) and general players too. Never let them in your life again.

Relationships are supposed to be warm and comforting. Not stressful and dramatic.

Throw him in the trash where he belongs. And don't believe any of the 'I'll change' bs if he gives you that when you leave him. Because its absolutely bs. He doesn't even like you. He just has a need to be put on a pedestal by you because he a fucked up individual who gets his validation from attention from others.

whattodo1975 · 07/02/2023 13:50

He's taking the piss, doesnt want you properly but doesnt want anyone else to have you.

100% bin him off, however once you have dumped please do not get back in contact with the original "new man" who you ditched for fwb as that man doesnt deserve to get dragged back in.

blackbeardsballsack · 07/02/2023 13:59

I went on a few dates with different men, finally one seemed to feel like a good fit and was very much on the brink of turning into a relationship
I think fwb sensed my lack of interest and that I was moving on and then decided to ask if we could have an actual relationship. He said he didn't want to lose me, had feelings for me, just too scared to commit before
I decided to break it off with the new man I was dating and give it a go with fwb.

I knew exactly what was going to happen next after reading this part.

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