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Original poster

Do I have to just put up with this?

46 replies

RosesareRed342 · 07/02/2023 10:51

Hi all. I really need some help with this and it's not something I feel I can talk to friends or family about.

My partner and I have been together 6 yrs, own a house and have a dog. We're renovating at the moment which is definitely adding a lot of stress as we both have stressful jobs and the house is a state.

We are arguing constantly about expectations. I feel that if you agree that one person is doing something or taking responsibility for a task, it's fair for the other person to expect the first to actually do it. My partner disagrees and gets angry when I remind him or ask why things he's said he'll do haven't been done. He says really dismissive things like "it doesn't even matter" or "I can't be arsed". I then say I wish you'd never even agreed to do it as at least then I wouldn't feel let down and put upon as I end up picking up the slack and this is breeding resentment.

I do my fair share plus I carry the entire mental load of running the house day to day and running the renovation. I always try to talk to him about stuff and make plans together as I want us to both be on the same page. He can't remember anything (not medical as far as we know) so I'm always the one who has to remind him. I ask him to write things down, make lists etc to help him with the stuff he's taken on. He says he forgets to do that. I suggest he does things in the moment after we talk about them. He can't be arsed.

I'm exhausted working on the house evenings and weekends whilst he plays video games/gets drunk at the pub. I know it's stressful and we all need a break but I need to be able to rely on him to do the things he says he'll do as right now I'm burning out picking up the slack on top of everything else I'm managing. It probably doesn't help that I've just been changed jobs into a much more senior role and in definitely adjusting to the higher workload.

I feel like I'm becoming his mother, the dynamic is I get up and get going, start work etc and he sleeps in and lies in bed. Sometimes hungover, sometimes just tired I suppose.

Do I just have to put up with this? Is there another approach I could try to help our communication? Or am I just being unreasonable and expecting too much?

Any thoughts would be very welcome!

OP posts:
Ghostbuster2639 · 07/02/2023 12:11

It’s not a communication issue. It’s a disrespect and contempt issue.

WeCome1 · 07/02/2023 12:14

Would he be better doing chunky jobs that affect him if they aren’t done? Eg food shopping, planning and more cooking and laundry?
And can you get a cleaner?

But it sounds like he just cba because he knows you will do it.

CalistoNoSolo · 07/02/2023 12:40

No you dont have to put up with it and you can dump his lazy arse any time you like. He isn't interested in an equal partnership. How easy will it be for you financially if you split?

Mnusernc · 07/02/2023 12:42

Please don't come back here in 2 years' time saying you've had a baby and he does nothing. Please leave now.

MargaritMargo · 07/02/2023 12:47

Well no you don’t have to put up with it but the alternative is ending the relationship.

you’ve asked nicely, you’ve explained why it’s important, you’ve tried to help, organise and cajole him along… all to no avail.

He does sound a lazy sod and too laid back for his own good. I do generally think women are better at multi tasking and getting into the detail, that shouldn’t be a reason to just pick up and do all the donkey work.

I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man with no “ompth” - it’s so unattractive!!!! Someone who lazes around playing games when there’s shit to be done. He’s a man child. it would make my vagina seal up.

I don’t think improving your communication will work bc it’s not like he tries and just falls short - he isn’t even arsed to try OP. If you feel like his mother now, imagine how repelled you will be in 10 years when any trace of love and lust has been chipped away

Original poster
RosesareRed342 · 07/02/2023 15:12

Thank you everyone for replying. We're very financially tied. We're in a fixed term mortgage and have a fair bit to go.

I also don't want the relationship to end, I just want it to improve. Our families are tied etc. I came downstairs earlier to make a tea and there were just crisps on the floor that he must have dropped as he ate them. I asked him to sweep them up as they can't just stay there (the doggo didn't even go for them) and he said oh sorry I didn't see them there. It's just really tiring.

On the cleaner point - yes we absolutely need one. It's just as we're in the middle of a Reno the house is chaotic in some places so it might be tricky for them - I'm not sure and need to look into it properly

OP posts:
80s · 07/02/2023 15:21

He doesn't sound committed to your relationship. You need to have plans in place for what happens if/when he finds another partner. Mortgage arrangements and your families getting on should not get in the way of you having a plan B.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/02/2023 15:23

Eh? Why WOULD YOU put up with it? Relationships aren't mandatory. Why don't you just end it?

arethereanyleftatall · 07/02/2023 15:25

Ah, just read your update. Fine. You do you. Personally, I'd rather be single, but each to their own.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2023 15:26

You are sleepwalking through your life with blinders on. This man has ZERO respect for you. You are here to serve him and put up with his bullshit and that's it. He treats you like shit and you allow it. What a waste of your life.

samqueens · 07/02/2023 15:45

Ghostbuster2639 · 07/02/2023 12:11

It’s not a communication issue. It’s a disrespect and contempt issue.

This ^^

🚩🚩🚩🚩

Coyoacan · 07/02/2023 15:45

He won't improve, OP. I have a friend who left a beautiful house with absolutely nothing to her name at 51, because her partner was emotionally abusive and she has never regretted it

DontStopMeNow7 · 07/02/2023 15:47

It’s helpful to look at your actual choices and pick the option you prefer, bearing in mind you can’t force him to do anything:

-Break up with him. Leave now and let him sort out the house. You can then sell it and take your half.

-Carry on as you are, nothing changes

-Stop doing his share of things. Cook and shop only for yourself. Do what is necessary to keep the renovations going but stop cleaning stuff you don’t need to. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t change the bedsheets. Don’t tidy his stuff. Keep your own life going though. Put up with the mess instead of putting up with him. If he goes out, you go out with your friends. He plays video games, you drop everything and have a bath, or take up a hobby.

-You literally do what he is doing and as a consequence let everything fall apart. He’ll soon complain, and you can say you need a break for a few weeks (or however long this has been going on for) and you’re leaving it to him.
If he still does nothing at that point the relationship will automatically end and you didn’t even have to make an effort with it.
You move out, sell up and get your own place.

Please let us know what happens. I’m always intrigued as to how useless men respond when they can no longer get away with it.

OhCobblers · 07/02/2023 15:49

WHY WHY WHY would you stay with someone who doesn't give a shit about you and is more than happy for you to do everything?????

Who gives a damn about families being tied?? You have ONE life. Is this how you want it to be because he won't change.

billy1966 · 07/02/2023 15:56

This is your life now and as you don't want to split up with him, I suggest you suck it up and get on with it.

He's a lazy selfish waster who has a mother skivvy in you, and as you have low standards he will continue to behave in this way.

If you are silly enough to have children with this lazy manchild, expect things to get substantially worse as he does nothing and leaves it all up to you.

Within a few years you will have lost your youthful looks as the full toll of choosing and remaining with a selfish loser shows on your face.

You will bitterly regret your decision and not biting the bullet earlier.

Oh, and his type often try and reduce working hours so that you get the full loser experience!

You're welcome!

Best of luck to you.

averylongtimeago · 07/02/2023 15:57

He sees you as a servant- you do the boring menial stuff that he can't be arsed to, plus gets sex, plus you pay to live there through your share of the Morgan's bills!

It's a win-win for him- why she bother changing?

So: what are you going to do about it?
You've tried asking/cajoling/ explaining and it's not worked.
You can just put up with it, and it's just what your life will be until he leaves you for a younger model.
Is this what you really want?

Or you can end it. A mortgage does not tie you to a house until it is paid off, you can sell before then and either get a new mortgage on another property or pay it off in full.
I hope the house is in joint names and not just his!

There are plenty of nice men out there, dump this one, and enjoy your freedom and new job.
Don't what ever you do have a baby with him!

OriginalUsername2 · 07/02/2023 16:04

You sound like a (successful, competent) woman with a teenage boyfriend not a husband.

You need a real grown-up on your level.

Trapped by family ties? Fuck that. It’s 2023!

Shoxfordian · 07/02/2023 16:13

No you don’t have to put up with it; you can break up with it and not deal with it’s nonsense

Opentooffers · 07/02/2023 16:15

I don't see the 'we' are renovating here, it sounds like 'you' are renovating. Was it your decision and he just went along with it maybe? There should of been some clue to his attitude in the 6 years prior unless this is a sudden change.
You are clearly very different people with opposing outlooks and goals in life, it all sounds incompatible and miserable long term.
Looks like you are are a determined fixer and changer - people don't change much once in adulthood, so this will be as good as he gets, regardless of how hard you try.
Either finish the renovation yourself , then sell up (at which point he will proffit from your efforts, but so will you) or pay traders to finish it for you to get it done quicker with less effort from you. Alternatively, if possible, buy his equity out if you can afford it - in which case a valuation before renovations are complete would be cheaper.
Your idea of sticking with it, but with him miraculously changeing into the person you need, is highly unlikely. You could try seeing how he reacts to separating by moving to a friend or relative for a week or two. Leave him to his own mess and squalor for a while to ram the point home to him. If he still doesn't get it, it's a lost cause.

category12 · 07/02/2023 16:17

Try showing him this: www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

And FGS stop picking up his slack,

And FGS don't have kids with him unless you see a huge, lasting improvement in him.

Some of it might be differences in standards, in which case, you've got to decide which things to let go of a bit, but overall, if you don't have the same amount of downtime and you're slaving away while he sits on his arse, you need to kick it.

Pixiedust1234 · 07/02/2023 16:19

I also don't want the relationship to end, I just want it to improve

It will only improve if he decides it. Right now there is no incentive for him to change so he won't.

Either change your expectations, ie wanting a partner/team player, or leave. Quite honestly he will never ever change. He might promise to change but he won't. This is the real him.

Stillcountingbeans · 07/02/2023 16:23

I also don't want the relationship to end, I just want it to improve.

The relationship will not improve. In fact it will get worse.
You cannot change him.

If you nag and threaten enough, he may change just enough for just long enough to stop you leaving, say maybe for a week, then as soon as he thinks he has you 'back in line' he will go back to his old ways.
This is who he is.

He fundamentally does not see you as his equal.
He does not believe that it is his job to do the crap work - that is woman's work and he will never, ever willingly do it.

You either put up with him, or you end it.

There is no financial knot that cannot be untangled - you just have to decide to do it.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/02/2023 16:26

You want the relationship to improve, the problem is that from his pov the relationship and the division of labour suits him just about fine as it is.

His actions say he doesn't care about you op, he is selfish and lazy and will always likely be that way.

Don't let him waste anymore of your time, get out, sell up and split and find someone with a bit more ambition or just go it alone, at least you won't feel permanently disappointed.

007DoubleOSeven · 07/02/2023 16:28

He's a lazy, selfish arse. Don't ever put up with one of them.

Ghostbuster2639 · 07/02/2023 17:38

He wont be forgetting everything at work. And he wont be dropping food everywhere either.

You are incompatible. He’s a scruff bag who likes to play all day and you’re a grown up.