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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I have to just put up with this?

46 replies

RosesareRed342 · 07/02/2023 10:51

Hi all. I really need some help with this and it's not something I feel I can talk to friends or family about.

My partner and I have been together 6 yrs, own a house and have a dog. We're renovating at the moment which is definitely adding a lot of stress as we both have stressful jobs and the house is a state.

We are arguing constantly about expectations. I feel that if you agree that one person is doing something or taking responsibility for a task, it's fair for the other person to expect the first to actually do it. My partner disagrees and gets angry when I remind him or ask why things he's said he'll do haven't been done. He says really dismissive things like "it doesn't even matter" or "I can't be arsed". I then say I wish you'd never even agreed to do it as at least then I wouldn't feel let down and put upon as I end up picking up the slack and this is breeding resentment.

I do my fair share plus I carry the entire mental load of running the house day to day and running the renovation. I always try to talk to him about stuff and make plans together as I want us to both be on the same page. He can't remember anything (not medical as far as we know) so I'm always the one who has to remind him. I ask him to write things down, make lists etc to help him with the stuff he's taken on. He says he forgets to do that. I suggest he does things in the moment after we talk about them. He can't be arsed.

I'm exhausted working on the house evenings and weekends whilst he plays video games/gets drunk at the pub. I know it's stressful and we all need a break but I need to be able to rely on him to do the things he says he'll do as right now I'm burning out picking up the slack on top of everything else I'm managing. It probably doesn't help that I've just been changed jobs into a much more senior role and in definitely adjusting to the higher workload.

I feel like I'm becoming his mother, the dynamic is I get up and get going, start work etc and he sleeps in and lies in bed. Sometimes hungover, sometimes just tired I suppose.

Do I just have to put up with this? Is there another approach I could try to help our communication? Or am I just being unreasonable and expecting too much?

Any thoughts would be very welcome!

OP posts:

mummymeister · 07/02/2023 17:46

this isnt a loving relationship between equals who respect each other. its a parent/child. Is that really what you want? all the time you pick up the slack, he will not change. why should he? stuff always gets done so why worry? you are enabling him to be lazy, to not have to change, to go to the pub and drink when he should be helping out, to play computer games when he should be helping out. so it really needs you to change first before he will. stop taking up the slack. let things not get done. leave the bloody crisps on the floor. he isnt a child, he is a fully grown, fully functioning adult. You dont want the relationship to end, you want it to improve, well newsflash it isnt going to. not now and not ever. you have both adopted these roles, you the parent and he the child and for him its a really cushy number. so he isnt going to change, ever. you have two choices accept it and stop moaning or wishing it would change or walk away. there is no in between in these situations. I also worry that you will fool yourself into thinking that somewhen in the future this is going to change and have a baby with this loser. then you will be parenting two children and not one.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 07/02/2023 17:55

You are flogging a dead horse here mate, he has shown you who he is, believe him.

BoxOfCats · 07/02/2023 18:14

You are deluded to think he will change. He doesn't even think there is a problem. It would be one thing if he had genuine memory issues and was trying hard to remember to do stuff. But he's not. He's agreeing to do things to keep you quiet, but then not doing them because he doesn't care how it makes you feel. It's passive aggressive behaviour.

Merlott · 07/02/2023 18:18

He's not doing those jobs because he doesn't want to. Easy peasy. Really, really simple to understand.

He's playing xbox and drinking because he wants to. Again, really straightforward and easy to understand.

He simply does not give a shit.

Whatever lies he told you to get you into this mess, he's not bothered to keep telling them because he reckons he's got you trapped now. And ya know, I think he's right, because you keep talking in your posts about how trapped you are and family ties and mortgage and blah blah blah.

So yeah this is your life, and either you believe you're trapped and carry on, or wake up and get the F out of there.

Newyearnewmeow · 07/02/2023 18:34

You have replaced his mother in all but the bedroom. Any grown adult man who would rather play on his games console like a little teenager than take on the responsibilities of owning and running a home is pathetic.
This is who he is. Looks like you’re in for a rough life with that one,

Ydkiml · 07/02/2023 19:09

He sounds so selfish and is totally taking you for granted . Stick up for yourself, you deserve better . Love yourself more than him because you are the most important person in your life . Be proud to bin him because you deserve better .

Cherrysoup · 07/02/2023 19:14

You’re doing all the work and he’s pissing round drinking and playing video games? What a joke! Why do you want to continue such a crap relationship? Please tell me you haven’t got/planning on having dc? You know you’ll be doing all the work?

TwilightSkies · 07/02/2023 19:15

It is a mother/child dynamic. It won’t change! Because it suits him just fine.
You will start noticing the laziness, selfishness and disrespect more and more. Your feelings will die a slow death.

JoanCandy · 07/02/2023 19:17

I say this with kindness, OP - yeah, you will have to put up with it because you don’t want to split and he isn’t going to change.
I’d advise that you don’t have any kids with him.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/02/2023 19:23

DontStopMeNow7 · 07/02/2023 15:47

It’s helpful to look at your actual choices and pick the option you prefer, bearing in mind you can’t force him to do anything:

-Break up with him. Leave now and let him sort out the house. You can then sell it and take your half.

-Carry on as you are, nothing changes

-Stop doing his share of things. Cook and shop only for yourself. Do what is necessary to keep the renovations going but stop cleaning stuff you don’t need to. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t change the bedsheets. Don’t tidy his stuff. Keep your own life going though. Put up with the mess instead of putting up with him. If he goes out, you go out with your friends. He plays video games, you drop everything and have a bath, or take up a hobby.

-You literally do what he is doing and as a consequence let everything fall apart. He’ll soon complain, and you can say you need a break for a few weeks (or however long this has been going on for) and you’re leaving it to him.
If he still does nothing at that point the relationship will automatically end and you didn’t even have to make an effort with it.
You move out, sell up and get your own place.

Please let us know what happens. I’m always intrigued as to how useless men respond when they can no longer get away with it.

Please, please, please, @RosesareRed342, do either option 1 or option 3 from @DontStopMeNow7’s very wise post.

As other posters have said, he is NOT going to change, so things are not going to improve.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 07/02/2023 19:40

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MANCHILD!!!

Please, I cannot stress this enough.

Instead, buy a pack of post it notes and write "FUCK YOU @RosesareRed342 you are my slave and you can do this job" on each one.

Then, when he drops crisps on the floor/doesn't empty the dishwasher/doesn't clean the bathroom/leaves dirty clothes on the floor etc etc, just put one of the post it notes on the crumbs/dishwasher/dirty clothes/whatever and leave it there.

Remind him and yourself what he is actually saying with his actions, if not his words.

If a week of that inspires him to step up to his role (permanently, not just for 24hrs or so) then your relationship MAY stand a chance, if he doesn't then dump him and move on, life is seriously too short to be treated like somebody's slave.

Goawayangryman · 07/02/2023 19:43

As many others have said here... He does not respect you. He feels contempt for you. He thinks these jobs are below him. He's not a keeper.

YukoandHiro · 07/02/2023 19:51

Do not have children with this man. Imagine how you feel now times 1,000

Sexypyjamas · 07/02/2023 19:53

Ok so read this back to yourself. Or pretend your future daughter wrote it, maybe a friend you care very much about:

My partner disagrees and gets angry when I remind him

He says really dismissive things like "it doesn't even matter" or "I can't be arsed".

I end up picking up the slack and this is breeding resentment.

I carry the entire mental load of running the house day to day and running the renovation.

He can't be arsed.

I'm exhausted working on the house evenings and weekends whilst he plays video games/gets drunk at the pub.

I'm burning out picking up the slack on top of everything else I'm managing.

I feel like I'm becoming his mother

he sleeps in and lies in bed. Sometimes hungover, sometimes just tired I suppose.

Do I just have to put up with this?

Answer: no you bloody don't have to put up with this shit. Sometimes it's better to cut losses and move on.

YukoandHiro · 07/02/2023 19:53

Actually really love @BeExcellent2EachOther 's idea

ZekeZeke · 07/02/2023 20:00

He holds down a responsible stressful job, presume he doesn't need to be reminded to so his job in work? Right.

So why does he need to be reminded to tidy up after himself? Answer, because he cannot be arsed. Simple

GoldDuster · 07/02/2023 20:09

He can't be arsed. That's it. He won't change, because, why should he?

If he loved and respected you, as a minimum he would be pitching in and pulling his weight, not fine to be watching you struggle.

Make no mistake, he is A-OK with the way things are, absolutely fine, so no, things won't improve until you get him out from under your roof. There are plenty of people who wake up one day and extract themself from all manner of ties, because they've reached the end of the line. Maybe you're not there yet, but you will be and every day you sit with this until then is a day wasted.

You can either resign yourself to the fact that this is what you're choosing for yourself, and lower your expectations to a lifetime of this, or you can decide that it's not good enough for you, that life is short and you don't want to spend it pleading with your grown man shaped partner to pick up crisps.

I know what I'd do.

Bluetrews25 · 07/02/2023 21:01

I love the post-it note plan. But I fear it would not work long term. Can a leopard change it's spots?

The relationship won't change because it is working very, very well for your DP as it is. He will do nothing, you will do it all. And it won't change because you have told yourself you are trapped.
You aren't trapped.
Were you promised to him as child by your family? Like out of a fairytale? Do families own adjoining farms? Even so! This is 2023, you can leave, and you should!

How would you feel in 10 years if everything continued just the same as it is now? (Because it will, unless you leave). What about in 20 years? Or 30?

category12 · 07/02/2023 21:42

BeExcellent2EachOther · 07/02/2023 19:40

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MANCHILD!!!

Please, I cannot stress this enough.

Instead, buy a pack of post it notes and write "FUCK YOU @RosesareRed342 you are my slave and you can do this job" on each one.

Remind him and yourself what he is actually saying with his actions, if not his words.

Worth a shot.

Original poster

RosesareRed342 · 07/02/2023 22:51

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice. I have a lot to think about for sure. It definitely can't carry on as it's going so SOMETHING will have to change x

OP posts:

Theseboobsweremadeforwalking · 07/02/2023 23:05

Agree with pp that he's an ahole and i love the post its idea. However have you tried sitting him down and telling him you'll leave unless he changes, and actually mean it? I did it, things improved a lot. You've got to be prepared to actually ltb if they don't change tho.

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