Can anyone explain why someone would behave like this?

[BigGirlInTheRedDress]

About 5 years ago, I met a woman. We weren't ever really friends but I was friendly and we were in the same friendship group I suppose so we ended up on nights out together sometimes. However, it became quite clear to me early on that she didn't like me. I had no idea why.

Within about a year, she had spread several rumours about me. They were mostly centered around me cheating with married men and generally being a nasty piece of work from what I can make out. They were all entirely fabricated.

Anyway, after about a year, I stopped socialising in my local area. I've since learnt she saw this as a bit of a win and felt she'd hounded me out but I'd actually just decided I wasn't interested in the nonsense and started socialising elsewhere.

Since lockdown, I've seen her out and about a few times. She gives me dirty looks and has done various little things that aren't worth the time it would take to describe them but which are essentially designed to stir up trouble for me or damage my reputation. I'd say it didn't work but I got talking to a woman I'd never seen before one evening. She told me afterwards that she was surprised at how lovely I actually was given what she'd heard. Evidently, my reputation had preceeded me...

This weekend, I went out with my boyfriend and some friends. She was there. I've mentioned her to my boyfriend so he is aware of the history.

I had to nip out for an hour to do something and said to him half jokingly beforehand, that I wondered if she'd try talking to him. Anyway, I got back and she had approached him and tried talking to him at the bar. He turned his back on her and walked back over to my friends.

I've literally never had a run in with this woman. I haven't spoken to her since summer 2018 and hadn't seen her since early 2019 but she was openly trying to cause trouble for me then. I was mildly amused when after lockdown and having not seen her for about 3 years, she was still doing it but it's getting a bit daft now. And she's apparently still running me down to everyone and anyone. It's almost obsessive.

It doesn't really bother me, I just can't fathom taking such a strong dislike to someone I barely knew that, after this length of time, I'd still be trying to interfere in their life!

I've literally never had a cross word with this woman. She just doesn't like me.

I'm 47. She's about 12 years older.

W.T.F

I know.

do either of you have children?

How frequently do you actually all go out and socialise together?

I have children but they're adult/late teens now. She doesn't have any.

I don't see her at all unless we happen to be at the same place at the same time. Like I said, I haven't spoken to her since summer 2018 and until about 18 months ago, hadn't seen her since early 2019. I hadn't given her a second thought in that time tbh.

But the first time I saw her put after lockdown, she started up again. I was baffled.

But she, apparently, still talks about me.

So once in 4/5 years

i wouldn’t give it another thought op

It’s like my 14 year old recounting drama between two of her classmates tbh

I don’t always think it’s jealousy as if she knows little about you then what would she be jealous of & I assume that all the women in that friendship group were of similar lifestyles so doesn’t make sense that she just be jealous of you & that’s quite a childish response. Maybe she had heard something about you from another woman & based her opinion on that either way just ignore it, you’ll never know why so wouldn’t worry about it

You know her age, she’s wealthy, even who she fancies The only other thing is that I dated a boy for a few weeks when I was at school who she quite fancies now

you know quite a bit about her, how so?

She's married but flirts heavily with other men, and her romantic interests (like your teenage ex) are obvious to others ....... Sounds like an insecure, attention seeking, low integrity individual.

Gives some insight into the bullying and victimisation of another woman.

I actually wish you'd warned your bf but got him to listen to what she was now saying about you, instead of walking off. Maybe next time, if she gives it another go. Might she'd some light on wtf is going on in her head.

She sounds unhinged tbh.

I think it probably stems from being jealous of you initially and then you not falling into line as an orbiter to her queen bee.

I think I would be very likely to start keeping a record of this and warn her that if it didn't stop then you would begin legal proceedings. This is harassment/ slander. Bet it would stop in an instant. People like this are often cowards. She is only doing it because no one is stopping her.

There could be something about your demeanor, presumably alongside your looks, that set her off.

Maybe self confidence, indifference, self possession (not in a bad way) .... But whereby she knew she can't schmooze, manipulate or dominate you. She clearly does that with loads of other people but she must have known she couldn't do it with you; whi h you confirmed by saying you didn't end up having much to do with her because you were busy, things didn't suit you etc). I think she probably thinks she's high/important in the hierarchy and you didnt fall in line with that. You treated her like she's "normal"... So she's fixated on ostracizing you.

I'd guess she is a 24 carat narcissist and has a personality disorder.

I know you don't want confrontation but next time she tries simply say is your life so boring that you need to invent drama a lies then walk away and carry on walking regardless of what she comes out with and your head held high.

I think you should get your boyfriend to just chat to her and see what emerges.

Some people are just incredibly weird though. I feel like there's more of it about atm.

Either:

• She perceives you as a threat, or
• She has a grudge against life and has for some bizarre reason coalesced all those feelings into a loathing towards you, or
• She's a toxic bitch.

Or a combination of all three.

Have you never been our for dinner with other people or been part of a social group or had a conversation?

People share stuff about themselves and their lives.

I doubt she sees me as a threat or anything like that. I'm just surprised really that she's continued it for so long! And she's still saying stuff now!

Yeah, I'm kicking myself a bit for warning my boyfriend about her but then I don't really want to give her anything to gossip about. He's quite open and friendly. Everyone else I know who he's met has had good intentions. He wouldn't have realised on his own if she'd just approached him and said she knew me. I suppose though I don't really want to know what she's saying about me now.

You're dealing with a malignant narcissist.

Unfortunately they are often dangerous when they fixate on you.

Fir some reason she sees you as the competition. Probably because you are better looking than her and maybe when you first met, a guy she was chatting up was looking at you. Hence the need to crush you.

I'd be very worried that this has kept up for years. Perhaps it's best to keep ignoring but if it takes any more sinister turns, go to the police.

Don't underestimate her sort. They ruin lives.

I have one of these. I do have emails she sent to myself and a third party two years ago clearly libeling me. I wish I had dealt with it then through the courts as since then she has a whispering campaign going against me. If she is foolish enough to give me tangible evidence again I will go to the police. Your woman might be breaking the law in terms of harassment. I would document everything and let the police know, just in case she escalates - she sounds insane. You sound eminently sane.

But you’ve seen her once in 2018?! 😂

As long as you’re unlikely to encounter her again I wouldn’t worry about it now, but if this were an ongoing situation I’d be concerned.

Ive experienced this kind of thing a few times in my life (though nothing to this extreme) and it baffled me too. I go about life easy going and minding my own business and a few people here and there have taken a HUGE disliking to me. Then comes the backbiting, gossip, turning people against me, or even just dirty looks.

It must be some kind of jealousy but I find it difficult to imagine. I don’t really get jealous so it’s just so weird to me. I’ve even had it with a family member and by that point I was in therapy. My long-term therapist’s thought on the matter: “You go about your life authentically. That’s threatening to some people plus they might feel envious that they can’t be like that too”.

Food for thought.

I’m so glad this doesn’t bother you but I hope you don’t run into this person again; be careful.

Unfortunately far too many of this type in the world. I have fallen victim to it myself. I women like this as pathetic insecure creatures to be pittied more than anything. Just ignore her. Anyone who knows you will know shes lying.

I haven't spoken to her since 2018. We met around 7/8 months earlier and a few months later were part of a small social/friendship group who would meet up once a week and go for dinner.

I became aware of these rumours about 6 months later and left the group. I still occasionally saw her put when she would sit and watch me and point at me whilst she was huddled in a group with various people.

Around February/March of 2019, I stopped going out in my local town altogether because I was fed up of it.

Then, early March, lockdown hit so I didn't see her again at all. I probably saw her again mid 2021 when things were back to normal socially and she was back to watching me, pointing at me and doing various things that she clearly intended to cause trouble for me. And some of the people she'd innocently co-opted into this actually came and told and apologised for any discomfort it had caused because they hadn't realised what she was doing or why.

I don't see her often - probably once every few weeks or so. But I know from other people she was displeased that I'd started socialising locally again amd she would do ridiculous things to try and upset me. It didn't because I'm not especially bothered about that but I was also told that the rumours continued. These largely centred around me trying to extort money out of people (which has never happened), sleeping with married men (which has never happened) amd just generally being someone people should avoid. She has also been involved in threatening people who did speak to me with receiving the same treatment.

Then this weekend, she approached my boyfriend in a pub when I was not there but he knew the history and so didn't engage.

That's it in a nutshell obviously there are details but most are too ridiculous to explain fully here.

So, no, it wasn't once in 2018. That's when it started. It's been almost constant since I'm just not aware of most of it because I don't get to hear about it unless someone specifically tells me that she's still doing it.

But I've had people ignore me and avoid me because of the things she's said. She has the means to ingratiate herself with others so most people haven't bothered to find out the truth.

As always, my friends and other people who aren't interested in gossip ignore her and I know some people have challenged her about it. I'm more concerned with her motivation and the fact that she's still doing it given I've not spoken with her for 4 and a half years and have barely seen her since in the last 3.

It doesnt impact on my daily life but it's baffling tbh.

I have no advice as all sounds very Eastenderish-ish to me!

Actually more like Grange Hill! 😂