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Original poster

What nice things do you do (or not do) for your partner??

30 replies

Passthegin99 · 06/02/2023 15:15

Whenever we argue my DP tells me I don't do anything nice for him and, most recently, that I 'bring nothing to this relationship'. Setting aside for the moment what a dickish thing that is to say, it genuinely got me wondering what things am I meant to be doing?? He's not wrong I don't bring him presents or do anything particularly obviously. I do small things occasionally like put a hot water bottle in his side of the bed when he's late to bed or try and make sure I've bought things I know he likes to eat for the weekend. But really not much else. I wouldn't say he does loads for me but might get me the very occasional bunch of flowers or chocolates but that's easy win standard stuff that's catered for at the front of literally every supermarket! If I thought he liked those things I'd get them for him!

Is he just being a dick and trying to win in an argument or are other women doing sweet things for their partners and I'm a selfish knob?

OP posts:
Original poster
Passthegin99 · 06/02/2023 15:17

*particularly nice

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 06/02/2023 15:20

Facilitate his hobby.

babasaclover · 06/02/2023 15:23

What I do for him depends very much on how we are getting along. At the moment we are getting along well, so I am enjoying doing small things for him like cooking breakfast mid week.

I am particularly careful, though, having a daughter that I don't bring her up, thinking women service men and that they can't think for themselves without a woman clearing up after the

pompomdaisy · 06/02/2023 15:28

I've recently claimed part of my pension and give the salary part to him monthly so he can now step down into a less stressful job. He seems to think that's a lovely act. I just see it as common sense.

Cullenskink · 06/02/2023 15:30

Today I drove 40 miles to do a chore for him so he didn’t have to, I also bought him his favourite supper time snack. He made me porridge for breakfast and spent two hours on a fiddly task for me that my hands would struggle with.
We both constantly support each other.

Mumtumtastic · 06/02/2023 15:41

We are both very time poor and tired parents of a baby and young DD, although I lack time and energy resources for big gestures now (on both sides, me to him and him to me, like when we were younger and childless), I make him know how much I care for him, value and appreciate him with little things like when we’re in the kitchen and it’s been a full on and/or stressful day I take a moment to stroke his back or give him a cuddle. Make him a cup of tea, put his towel in the bathroom when he gets a chance to shower (he always forgets 😊)

Mumtumtastic · 06/02/2023 15:43

Like to add he does an absolute ton for me! He took our baby to play group this morning as I was ill then drove me to hospital. We do bicker too of course but little gestures of affection, both ways, are so lovely as we’re always so knackered

Original poster
Passthegin99 · 06/02/2023 15:44

Hmmm...I do do things like get up and get our son ready for school quite often to help him out even though that's meant to be his responsibility (doesn't come home til after bedtime so I am evening parent). But that just ends up annoying me as he comes to expect it!

And I do facilitate him going running and cycling by being the one that looks after DS while he does it. Also ends in resentment as isn't appreciated! I think this might be the issue 😅

Can't do anything for him financially as he earns 6 or 7 times as much as I do and buys whatever he wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
Passthegin99 · 06/02/2023 15:44

Cullenskink · 06/02/2023 15:30

Today I drove 40 miles to do a chore for him so he didn’t have to, I also bought him his favourite supper time snack. He made me porridge for breakfast and spent two hours on a fiddly task for me that my hands would struggle with.
We both constantly support each other.

This is lovely. 40 miles! I'm impressed.

OP posts:
DalaiLlama · 06/02/2023 15:47

I make him cups of tea in the morning, cook food he likes, am very physically affectionate, point out podcasts or articles he'd enjoy...little things and he does similar for me.

I think saying you bring nothing to the relationship is absolutely horrible, to be honest, and more fundamental than whether you make him coffee and buy flowers. Is he often like this? Does he think you should be skivvying?

Original poster
Passthegin99 · 06/02/2023 15:47

Mumtumtastic · 06/02/2023 15:41

We are both very time poor and tired parents of a baby and young DD, although I lack time and energy resources for big gestures now (on both sides, me to him and him to me, like when we were younger and childless), I make him know how much I care for him, value and appreciate him with little things like when we’re in the kitchen and it’s been a full on and/or stressful day I take a moment to stroke his back or give him a cuddle. Make him a cup of tea, put his towel in the bathroom when he gets a chance to shower (he always forgets 😊)

I definitely do these things! I wonder what it is he's expecting from me. He didn't grow up with two parents and I wonder if he has an unrealistic idea of what long term relationships are like?

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 06/02/2023 15:50

I massively facilitate my OH's life. Wouldn't bother me if was high paying job but its not (i get paid more), more them gym sessions and social life.

It is in no way appreciated, to the extent I do not feel it is a "nice thing" I am doing rather its something I am lumped with.

IncompleteSenten · 06/02/2023 15:51

I don't know. Nothing major. Just little things.
I buy him stuff I think he'll like. I notice when he's feeling low or fed up or worried and I let him know I'm here for him.

I boot him out of the house with instructions to go to the pub and not wake me up when he gets home.

I buy him his favourite food in the Tesco shop.

From time to time I book him a night in a hotel so he can have a break. (Me and our two sons are disabled so my husband does the vast majority of the caring)

It's just little things. Noticing when something might be up. Doing little things that I know he'll appreciate.

That said. If he told me I brought nothing to the relationship I'd not be responding politely! That's a nasty bloody thing to say to you.

Trisolaris · 06/02/2023 15:52

He doesn’t sound very appreciative of the things you do. It sounds like you do all the little things which are what is meaningful to me.

In my marriage - I do the jobs my husband hates eg laundry, cleaning bathroom and he goes to the supermarket because I hate it. If I’m tired he will offer me cups of tea and ask if I need anything, I make sure he’s eaten when he doesn’t have time to take a lunch break. I drive him to meet his friends so he can have a drink if I can. It’s all little things but important.

Original poster
Passthegin99 · 06/02/2023 15:54

DalaiLlama · 06/02/2023 15:47

I make him cups of tea in the morning, cook food he likes, am very physically affectionate, point out podcasts or articles he'd enjoy...little things and he does similar for me.

I think saying you bring nothing to the relationship is absolutely horrible, to be honest, and more fundamental than whether you make him coffee and buy flowers. Is he often like this? Does he think you should be skivvying?

Thanks. I agree it's not nice. Not skivvying but I think he doesn't see all the stuff I do for our family behind the scenes. I work for myself and wfh and am the super flexible one picking up all the school and life admin and it's just not seen yet I guess that's what I feel I bring to the party. And it isn't very interesting or fun!

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 15:56

bring nothing to this relationship

=

he earns 6 or 7 times as much as I do

He's just ramming this home nice and hard for you.

DalaiLlama · 06/02/2023 16:01

Passthegin99 · 06/02/2023 15:54

Thanks. I agree it's not nice. Not skivvying but I think he doesn't see all the stuff I do for our family behind the scenes. I work for myself and wfh and am the super flexible one picking up all the school and life admin and it's just not seen yet I guess that's what I feel I bring to the party. And it isn't very interesting or fun!

Show quote history

This sounds really frustrating.

dalmation4046 · 06/02/2023 16:05

Make him teas & coffees, always ask if he needs anything or if I can do anything for him, run him baths, make sure there's towels in the bathroom if I know he's heading for a shower. He was driving home recently after a long day at work, then a 4 hour round trip to collect his daughter and his football team were playing - I put it on the tele and had him a cup of coffee ready for him getting back and you'd have thought I was the best girlfriend ever with the response I got 🤣. I clip his toenails when needed. Get his fav snacks/meals in. Sometimes notice when he's running low on something like hair product and il replace it. Grab him a vape when I get myself one. I wouldn't say I do many grand gestures, but day to day we both are very good at doing the little things for each other. I'd much rather the little day to day things than flowers and chocolate Xx

GherkOut · 06/02/2023 16:05

This is simplistic but the concept that we show and receive love in different ways is interesting. If you and DH have different 'love languages' you may not be appreciative of one another....

5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

dalmation4046 · 06/02/2023 16:06

I think by the sound of your post, you do plenty! I'm thinking he's just not seeing or appreciating you. I'd be making a list of everything you do and show him! x

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 06/02/2023 16:16

make her lunch every weekday (as well as the kids and my own)

make her tea/breakfast in bed when i have to be up early for football on weekend mornings

if she mentions things she's seen that she likes (clothes, perfume etc) i make a note, so i've got lots of ideas for birthday/christmas

buy her treats when i do the shopping (snacks, or drinks)

normally we alternate cooking/cleaning up the kitchen, but if she's knackered from work, i just do both

her love language is definitely to be cared for

we've had an off week the last week or so (she's got lots on her mind - work, parents etc), so we've not been particularly close, and she's not been very receptive to talking about things.
so i've made sure i've been there physically - stroking her hair while she's watching the tv, tangling our legs up when we're in bed. so she knows i've got her back, and that i'm there as and when she does want to talk

Original poster
Passthegin99 · 06/02/2023 16:37

GherkOut · 06/02/2023 16:05

This is simplistic but the concept that we show and receive love in different ways is interesting. If you and DH have different 'love languages' you may not be appreciative of one another....

5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

Thanks. I suspect this is part of the problem for sure.

OP posts:
beansmeanz · 06/02/2023 16:40

you sound lovely. He sounds spoilt and un grateful. can you ditch him? my husband is grateful for the little things, that's love.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 06/02/2023 16:44

it probably also depends on your starting point and therefore probably subject to confirmation bias.

if you're thinking your relationship isn't in a great place, you're likely going to dismiss "little things" as inconsequential, or bemoan that other "little things" you'd appreciate more aren't being done.

if you're in a good place, you're likely to appreciate any/all little things, regardless.

Workawayxx · 06/02/2023 16:50

He sounds really mean. Sometimes with work and young children there is t time to do a load of extra/over and above the norm extras!

i make DPs packed lunches while he puts dd to bed, do most of the cooking (as I work less hours), buy the odd treat/pudding but that’s to share so not sure it counts, look after dd some weekends when he’s working and am generally pretty easy going.

id ask him what exactly he would like/expect you to do for him. It sounds like just something to throw at you in an argument tbh. I’d also ask him how his life might need to change if you disappeared tomorrow - might concentrate his mind regarding what you “bring to the relationship”.