What nice things do you do (or not do) for your partner??

[Passthegin99]

Whenever we argue my DP tells me I don't do anything nice for him and, most recently, that I 'bring nothing to this relationship'. Setting aside for the moment what a dickish thing that is to say, it genuinely got me wondering what things am I meant to be doing?? He's not wrong I don't bring him presents or do anything particularly obviously. I do small things occasionally like put a hot water bottle in his side of the bed when he's late to bed or try and make sure I've bought things I know he likes to eat for the weekend. But really not much else. I wouldn't say he does loads for me but might get me the very occasional bunch of flowers or chocolates but that's easy win standard stuff that's catered for at the front of literally every supermarket! If I thought he liked those things I'd get them for him!

Is he just being a dick and trying to win in an argument or are other women doing sweet things for their partners and I'm a selfish knob?

Even if you genuinely did bring nothing to the relationship, or even if he genuinely feels that way, he's being horrible to say it like that, and it's not the sign that your relationship is healthy. If it's so shit being with you, why doesn't he take responsibility for his own happiness, and leave? Or talk to you about the balance of the relationship? Or discuss with you how you'd both like things to work, and see if you can reach compromises together?

He's been really shitty to you saying that, and you're looking to yourself to find out if there's actually any truth in what he's saying. That's not a good dynamic. You know you're a nice person. You know you do things for him and for your relationship. You know that anybody who respected you wouldn't state to you that you brought 'nothing' to their life/relationship.

Is he normally Mr Respectful? Do you usually feel appreciated and valued with him? Is he loving and kind? Do the two of you deal with conflict well?

Work it so he has time to go and play football while I take ds to his football practice.
make him a cup of tea in the morning in his travel mug so he can take it to work (I don’t drink hot drinks and hate making them so I think this is the nicest thing out of everything I do 😂).
Drop him to places if he’s left his car somewhere.
Take the dc out if he’s having a chill out day after a busy work week.
Was a SAHM for years to save on childcare costs, sacrificing my own prospects enabling him to get his business off the ground without him needing to take sick days for the dc, days off to cover inset days, school holidays etc - this one was obviously in part massively self serving, I didn’t want to work when they were little as I wanted to be at home with them plus I have financially benefitted now that the business is well established.
dunno really, could write a really long list and he could of what he does for me but essentially it’s just about partnership, give and take.

Bloody hell deleted everything I typed.

He sounds like a dick tbh.

Small, every day, caring gestures are the ones that matter and often go unnoticed.

Little things in my relationship that make each other feel cared for:

Him buying me a massive bar of chocolate because I'm on my period

Him even noticing I'm due on because suddenly I'm ravenous.

Him carrying an emergency stash of supplies in his car because I/a friend have been caught short.

Me making him every single drink he's had that day because he's been stuck in teams meetings/in spreadsheets and my day has more flex that day.

Me cooking every night for a month because he's being doing DIY.
Same for washing/cleaning.

Me rubbing his feet whilst we watch TV even though I hate feet.

Me gunning his back cause it hurts.

Me buying the gun because my hands hurt.

Him giving me a really big cuddle randomly.

Tell each other we love each other every day.

....

We do lots of big gestures too, but their infrequent and money dependant (lingerie buying/meals out/spa days etc).

What does he do for you? That's the bigger question here.

When someone earns lots, the gifts should be time focussed - as with big wages usually comes little time. Is he generous with his time when he can be? Or does he just throw money at it?

My soon to be ex-husband was always saying this. It is a tough one and does make you question yourself. In my situation, I was working part-time, looking after our 4 children (he didn’t help in morning and home after they were in bed), plus being the only person walking our dog, school runs, clubs, housework, laundry and cooking during the week. I used to do things like bring him up tea in the morning, let him lay in at the weekends etc as been at work all week etc but he never felt I gave enough to him. We are separated now. I suppose, I would have liked to see more give and take? A better balance. Perhaps if more help with the kids, I would have had more time to think about doing nicer things? I don’t know.