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Original poster

Pregnant and husband unfaithful

33 replies

Lalallals248 · 06/02/2023 14:00

I’m 8 months pregnant and I’ve just found out that my husband has been messaging other women online and getting pictures from them. I haven’t been able to see the chats he’s been having, but I’ve seen the pictures and there were many of them from someone who I thought was a friend of mine. First conflict is whether this is even cheating because it’s only pictures (they both swear, anyway).
the main and terrible thing is that any happiness I had about having this baby has completely gone. I don’t feel like I want it anymore. It’s a boy and all I can imagine is it being another him and I can’t even cope with that. It doesn’t even make sense because I still love my husband even though I’m so hurt, but I want to change my birth plan and feeding plans so I don’t have to be near the baby. When it kicks I don’t want to feel them. What is wrong with me? Why has it affected my feelings for the baby?
I’m not sure what the purpose of this post is tbh. I can’t tell anyone in real life about this because I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t want people to hate him if we stay together. It’s taken the wind right out of my sails.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 06/02/2023 14:10

If you are in the UK, please talk to your midwife today. Flowers You've had a shock, your feelings are likely to be temporary and you deserve some support.

LoekMa · 06/02/2023 14:13

You're literally about to be a mom in a few weeks time.

Sorry to go all "tough love" but reading this "because I don’t want people to hate him if we stay together."

Is mind-boggling. People's opinions should not be what drives your decision-making now, because once the baby is actually born, you would have ALOT more to "lose" in that sense - which means once he knows you are more focused on projecting the image of a perfect family to the world outside, he will know that no matter what he does, you will never leave

I think you need to reach out to your support system ASAP and your GP, this might be a case of PND in the making and you do not want to go through that alone OP

Dery · 06/02/2023 14:19

Agree with PP - you’ve had a horrible shock but it’s very troubling that your reaction is to feel like rejecting your baby who is entirely innocent in all of this. Your feelings will almost certainly pass but please seek whatever support you can to make sure you’re able to bond with your baby when he arrives. As a PP said, this sounds like depression.

dollyknocker · 06/02/2023 14:27

Oh my heart is breaking for you. I found out my (now ex) had cheated on me when I was 30 weeks pregnant with my second child, it was truly horrific. My reaction was similar to yours but instead of switching my feelings off from the baby I found that I was suddenly completely indifferent to our first child. It really felt like all my feelings had been shut off and I still struggle with the guilt of it now. It is many years later for me and I do believe now that it was shock and some form of dissociation, my body just went into pure survival mode. Please please consider talking it through with a professional counsellor or similar.

HimalayaSalts · 06/02/2023 14:28

Your child is going to be a brand new human being, completely innocent, he will be his own person, it's very unfair to think the way you're doing, most importantly he will be tiny helpless and completely vulnerable and will need you so much, please try to change your mind frame and redirect these feelings before he comes along please.

If you have any feelings of anger, disappointment, hurt, etc which is very understandable they should be directed towards your partner, it's really tough but it will pass, hang in there OP

Original poster
Lalallals248 · 06/02/2023 14:30

I’m sorry if I sound callous, I haven’t chosen to feel this way. I just feel completely numb. I want to sleep but can’t, eat but can’t. It’s been going on with one of them for over a year. Sorry for sounding cruel.

OP posts:
AutumnDaysConkers · 06/02/2023 14:34

Don't let him spoil this lovely moment for you. You are about to be a mum and this little human needs you and your love.

It is going to be hard but think of ways that you can bond with the baby rather than ways not to.
Your baby is your priority. Your horrible partner and friend should not ruin this for you.

Coffeellama · 06/02/2023 14:35

Contact your midwife for support OP, you really need it and may need it more once the baby is born if you still feel this way. And tell your family and friends today, you need the support and like it or not you are responsible for that baby who needs support too, forget about what they think of him. Get rid of the DH, it’s been going on for over a year, he has no respect for you and you need to protect yourself.

Suprima · 06/02/2023 14:36

Lalallals248 · 06/02/2023 14:30

I’m sorry if I sound callous, I haven’t chosen to feel this way. I just feel completely numb. I want to sleep but can’t, eat but can’t. It’s been going on with one of them for over a year. Sorry for sounding cruel.

You don’t sound callous at all.

you have had a huge shock- it’s an absolute curveball to be imagining your perfect little family and instead you realise that you have reproduced with a cunt, and the illusion has shattered

you can build a great life for you and your little boy, who is a completely new, innocent person.

you don’t need this tosser. He doesn’t respect you and clearly doesn’t like you. Dirty pic exchanges with your friend- seriously?!?

your son deserves a happy mum, not someone who is riddled with anxiety every time he takes his phone to the loo or goes on a stag do.

caringcarer · 06/02/2023 14:44

It's the shock. Once that has worn off you will rightly feel angry at your DH and revert to loving your baby. I'd not toleratey.dh doing something so sleazy. I'd bin him off even though it would hurt me to do so.

Original poster
Lalallals248 · 06/02/2023 14:46

I feel like such a fool. She’s been asking to meet up in half terms (we are both teachers) knowing full well she’s doing this with my husband. Pretending to be all happy for me when clearly she isn’t. I have to go home soon and I don’t want to.

OP posts:
DuploMum · 06/02/2023 15:01

You're not cruel at all. What a horrible shock. Can you leave him? Stay with parents?

ittakes2 · 06/02/2023 15:26

You don't sounds callous at all. I spent years trying to get pregnant and ended up doing IVF and was lucky enough to fall pregnant with twins....but I spent the first weeks wishing I would miscarry. Odd huh? So I asked the psychologist what's all this about? How was it because I was so desperate to be pregnant for years and now I am pregnant...I don't want to be? She said it was just the stress - I was sooo worried about losing the babies my mind was saying this is too stressful so lets get rid of the stress. But its just your mind playing tricks. Don't judge yourself - things will change - in fact this baby is likely to be the making of you because your son will love you unconditionally.
Its your prick of a partner that has done wrong here - not you so don't be so hard on yourself. Like others have said please call and talk to your midwife you need as much support as possible.

Grincheynewyear · 06/02/2023 15:37

Your body is numb because it is trying to protect you. It’s a very normal reaction. When did you find out? You say you have spoken to both of them?

I would cut the friend out of your life immediately. Do you have a friend who is non judgemental and who will take care of you? Or a family member? If not book a counsellor appointment privately for as soon as possible.

As to ‘is it cheating’ yes it is. An emotional affair or online affair is cheating and is unacceptable. If it was acceptable why didn’t he tell you he was doing it. Also if it’s a good thing to do why didn’t he mention it to you so you could find your own people to receive pictures from?

A relationship cannot recover without FULL disclosure, if he has deleted the messages he needs to restore them.

Affair recovery website is a good place to start reading.

I hope you are okay op. You need either a real life person or a counsellor appointment immediately.

Grincheynewyear · 06/02/2023 15:38

You don’t have to go home. Do you have somewhere else you can go?

Grincheynewyear · 06/02/2023 15:44

You are not a fool. He is the fool for thinking this will either make him feel better (in the long run it can’t, assuming he is a half decent person) or thinking it fulfils a need (his happiness and fulfilment in life only comes from himself).

Cheating highlights a deficiency in the cheater. It is him who either cannot communicate effectively or Is inherently selfish or has an issue with addiction or impulse control. Do not take the blame.

You can look at where your marriage could have been improved and accept your part in that but he fucked up by not talking about it - his decision to cheat is 100% his. So don’t accept responsibility for his mess up.

OurChristmasMiracle · 06/02/2023 15:52

Your baby will not be a mini version of him because YOU ate his mum and YOU will raise him differently

if you wish to leave his dad then that is not something you have done but something his dad has caused

i know it hurts and potentially your feelings about baby is because you feel now like you are trapped with him rather than being able to leave- but you aren’t!

please get real life support, and I am sure that it will help you process everything that has happened

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 06/02/2023 15:58

Raising a child is ahuge investment of resources and as such a massive risk in terms of survival etc, it's instinctive to not want to do that with someone who is unreliable and can't be trusted, especially whenj that is compounded by a loss of support in the form of your betrayal by a friend.

However, your feelings for your baby can return, so don't beat yourself up for this reaction to such a massive revelation. It's not your fault, you are just processing what is going on.

Please get some real life support and get as much space from thewse people as you can. You have huge change ahead and don't need them messing with your perceptions trying to minimise this ghastly breach of trust.

Original poster
Lalallals248 · 06/02/2023 19:30

Thank you. I think it is the fact that I feel trapped now. I don’t feel I have a choice to go anywhere because of the baby. We also have other children who would be distraught and wouldn’t understand. I’m upset about the lost messages. I saw the photographs and videos, which were extremely explicit, freaked out immediately and dropped the phone, which he then took, and in that time he deleted them so I’m imagining what I think they said and that’s worse.
I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Grincheynewyear · 06/02/2023 19:42

Can the messages etc be restored? It’s a massive mistake to delete them if he wants any chance of repairing your relationship. The evidence to help prove what did or didn’t happen he has just got rid of. His word means fuck all, you are now possibly imagining worse than what happened and the fool has deleted as he thought it would help (as they all do).

Is the friend in a relationship?

What do you want to happen ? There is no right or wrong, only what you want and can deal with. There’s numerous resources available to read, books, websites etc. Some to assist you leaving. Others to help you repair your relationship.

Badger1970 · 06/02/2023 19:47

You're not trapped. You don't have to put up with this, pregnant or not.

Please tell your family and let them support you.

And frankly he deserves to be hated.

Deathbyfluffy · 06/02/2023 19:51

To clarify, yes it is cheating even if nothing physical has happened yet.
If the friend has a partner, it’s definitely time to let them know - all’s fair in love and war after all.

Leave your partner, he’s done the worst thing imaginable at the worst time imaginable.
My ex partner did similar to me while she was pregnant with our DC, and yes it did taint my feelings towards DC at the time - but I moved on and dealt with it over the years.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 06/02/2023 20:04

Yes it’s cheating and you need to speak to your midwife about your feelings. Please don’t take this out on your baby.

Zanatdy · 06/02/2023 20:42

I wouldn’t believe it’s pictures and videos only. Sorry OP but he’s a lying cheat. A baby is completely innocent in all of this, leave this cheat and focus your energy in raising a man who won’t treat women like your DP does

Original poster
Lalallals248 · 06/02/2023 20:44

I don’t think they can be restored as they are on Snapchat.

OP posts:
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