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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When a man loves a woman?

51 replies

Hehx3 · 05/02/2023 19:15

Hello lovelies, how long did it take your partner to love you?
Its been 11 months and I know my boyfriend doesn't love me, thing is I started to think it will never come (after this weekend Im not even sure he likes me). He is attentive, can send some lovely text as if he really cares, offers help with a car..why? Im confused 🫤

OP posts:
nc1013 · 05/02/2023 19:36

Depends what you mean by "how long it takes to love you" - how long it takes him to say it? Or how long to actually fall in love with you?

Either way I don't think there's a set answer but my view is that how they treat you and whether they show you they love you means more than words.

Im also sceptical of people who say it too easily (ie within days or a couple of weeks).

I probably knew I loved my current bf after 4/5 months. I could tell by the way he was acting and treating me that he felt the same. He didn't say it until 8/9 months in, we were both extremely guarded due to past hurt. When he did say it he said he'd known for a long time.....

At times I'd wanted to hear it earlier but when he did say it, I was in absolutely no doubt he meant it.

Zanatdy · 05/02/2023 19:40

Well my bf said it very early, 6wks or so in which did make me wary in all honesty. I do feel like I’m falling in love with him (coming up 3 months now) but in some ways I don't feel I know him at all yet. We did know each other for 4yrs before we started dating and so have had lots of chats at work, but we don’t know a huge amount about each other more personally. He says he adores me, and I don’t think he doesn’t, but I don’t think he truly loves me yet. But if I was at nearly a year and been no mention of it, I’d be walking away personally. Especially if you’re getting vibes that he doesn’t even like you. That’s really not good

nc1013 · 05/02/2023 19:43

If a man showed me how much he loved and cared for me after 11 months and I felt that he loved me, I probably wouldn't leave as I think how they treat you and how they show you they care is far more important.

If I had a bf that constantly told me he loved me but acted like he didn't even like me, I wouldn't believe he loved me anyway and I'd end it.

Surely if he treats you like he doesn't even love you, it's irrelevant what he says?

GreyCarpet · 05/02/2023 19:48

My boyfriend told me before we got together but then I had known him as a friend for 5 years before that.

It was odd because I had no idea how he felt and had been in a bit of denial about my own feelings for him but I felt the same.

I previously dated someone for around 18 months but I also suspected he didn't even like me. Love wasn't even a question in my head. He was also very good at offering practical support and help but he didn't love me and never would have.

frozendaisy · 05/02/2023 19:51

3 weeks

Notformethankyoukindly · 05/02/2023 19:52

My DP said ‘please don’t break my stupid heart’ after the first time we had sex! He fell in love straight away, and I knew he had, but we only said ILY to each other after 9 months. I had taken longer. I’ve never doubted that he loved me, he’s steadfast, open, attentive and adoring. We’re four years in, and can’t believe our luck.

i’m Sorry OP, I think you’ve given it a good shot but it looks like it’s not happening…

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 21:15

If he's not giving you what you want, why do you think you should wait?

Original poster
Hehx3 · 05/02/2023 21:40

Its a good question @Watchkeys I think Im confused as he seem very interested but then I hear or those jokes about me when I even doubt he even likes me.
Its probably a fear I would be letting something good - I m am worried I am sabotaging it myself.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2023 21:43

Jokes?

GoldDuster · 05/02/2023 21:50

Does it matter if he says he loves you when he makes jokes about you that make you feel he doesn't even like you?

Original poster
Hehx3 · 05/02/2023 21:52

Yes its little joking remarks I guess a digs - sometimes quite funny but there is so many of them Im starting to think he actually thinks that about me. Mostly about my personality bot so much about the way I look. He is very funny, entertaining man so I always laughed at them but it seems recently it started to get to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hehx3 · 05/02/2023 21:56

@GoldDuster no it doesnt I guess, he says its a joke so I feel like Im being unreasonable. I dont know what to thin, as he then follows it all next day with such a thoughtfulness Im thinking its all down to my unhealthy ways

OP posts:
nc1013 · 05/02/2023 21:57

The jokes could just be his way...or it could be nasty it's hard to tell out of context.

My bf is very jokey in that way. More like teasing. However, he knows I find it funny. Maybe if I had doubts about how he felt about me I would t find it so funny.

He does tell me he loves me but more importantly than that I can tell by the way he acts and how he treats me that he loves me and thinks the world of me

Blossomandbee · 05/02/2023 21:58

I saw a man for a while who made little 'jokes' about me and my looks/weight. I laughed it off as part of his cheeky chappy personality. Looking back I really wish I had raised the bar and walked out there and then.
Many a true word spoken in jest as they say. He's telling you what he really thinks about you. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Northlights22 · 05/02/2023 22:01

Go with your gut. If you feel he doesn’t love you then he might not but he’s not making you feel loved or cared for so you deserve more.

You should have a partner who is clear with their communication.

my now husband said it after a few weeks.
he made me feel loved from day one and I knew he loved me.

men fall hard and can’t hide it 9 times out of 10.

Alcemeg · 05/02/2023 22:05

Saying that you love someone exposes yourself. It puts you in a vulnerable position.

Some people, my ex-DH included, use sarcasm and "jokes" to avoid emotional honesty about anything.

BrewandBiscuit · 05/02/2023 22:05

My BF has never said it. We are a year in but he is a widower so it’s hard for him. He shows me he cares though. He’s very thoughtful, attentive, loving etc. he will occasionally send a ❤️ emoji and he often says “I love being with you”, but has never said the words. I’m confident he does love me and it’s actions more than words that matter

UpUpAndAwol · 05/02/2023 22:08

We’ve been together 20 years and said I love you after a couple of months. We both knew. Obviously that early love is not the same as a few years in but I think you do know when you are in love. Not sure about taking years to fall in love with someone. I think that’s more of a very deep fondness

Original poster
Hehx3 · 05/02/2023 22:08

@Blossomandbee I appreciate ypur honesty, yes I feel like he possibly dont like women in general (?) and I have started to add to this dislike recently.
I know he doesnt love me as we had that conversation over the weekend and he said its my doing as I raised concerned on how I feel about something. But then today he send me so thoughtful texts that Im finding it confusing 😟

OP posts:
BreviloquentBastard · 05/02/2023 22:10

Wait he said he doesn't love you because you spoke openly about your feelings, am I understanding that correctly?

yodayoga1 · 05/02/2023 22:22

He said not loving you is your doing?? Ah no, OP, if I've got that right, he's a wrong 'un, definitely.

Original poster
Hehx3 · 05/02/2023 22:43

Yes, he was quite upset at that moment as I pointed out how I feel about something he did.
I am not doing this relationships right (and Im in my 40 😟), i thought I knew what I was doing when I was dating men.

OP posts:
pursudebyablackdog · 05/02/2023 22:48

🚩🚩🚩 run and don't look back, he'll slowly destroy you. He's already started the mind games.
You will know when a man loves you, believe me, this man doesn't, he's a cat and you're his mouse. Work on your confidence and self esteem. You don't need a man to be happy and you certainly don't need to be unhappy by being with this man. You're worth so much more.

BreviloquentBastard · 05/02/2023 22:50

Nope. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who gets upset or angry or tells you they don't love you (!!!) when you try and express your feelings. Absolutely not. Get rid, this one isn't it.

WaddleAway · 05/02/2023 22:53

Woah. He doesn’t love you because you said something he didn’t like? This isn’t the relationship for you. You deserve better.