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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When a man loves a woman?

51 replies

Hehx3 · 05/02/2023 19:15

Hello lovelies, how long did it take your partner to love you?
Its been 11 months and I know my boyfriend doesn't love me, thing is I started to think it will never come (after this weekend Im not even sure he likes me). He is attentive, can send some lovely text as if he really cares, offers help with a car..why? Im confused 🫤

OP posts:
freeandfierce · 05/02/2023 22:54

Took 4 years to say it, he said it first but I think we both knew before due to behaviours. Both scared due to past experiences.

Eyerollcentral · 05/02/2023 22:59

@Hehx3 sorry but you have been with him nearly a year and he is 40. He know if he loves you by now. He is giving you just enough to keep you on the hook I’m afraid. Give him the push, you shouldn’t be left in any doubt at this stage.

GraceUnderPresure · 05/02/2023 23:00

Oh god he sounds like my ex. My advice from my experience would be to leave and find someone who treats you better.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2023 23:05

He's a wrong 'un lovely. Throw this one back.

yodayoga1 · 06/02/2023 06:17

OP, it's shitheads saying stuff like that makes you doubt yourself. Don't put yourself down. But don't put up with someone essentially blaming you for being unloveable. That is the start of an abusive pattern of behaviour. Please, please tell him to do one.💐

GreyCarpet · 06/02/2023 06:45

GraceUnderPresure · 05/02/2023 23:00

Oh god he sounds like my ex. My advice from my experience would be to leave and find someone who treats you better.

My advice would be the same.

He sounds very much like than I dated for 18 months.

He would also 'joke' about me. The sort of jokes that were really criticisms dressed up with a smile. Rarely said cruelly and often 'with affection' but I came to realise the only time he spoke to me with affection was when he was making these jokes.

Once I'd realised this, I remembered all of those, "If a boy is mean to you, it means he likes you," type comments I heard when I was younger, which only serve to encourage women to tolerate shit behaviour from men. Because it doesn't mean that at all. If a man is mean to you, it means that he is being mean to you. Even if he does like you deep down somewhere and has his own issues and it won't get any better.

I also worried that I was self sabotaging when I thought about it but actually staying with him was a greater sabotage.

He is not someone who is ever going to make you happy.

Animalism · 06/02/2023 07:23

No no no. These jokes are not jokes. They are him diminishing you. He is also blaming you for his behaviour. I dated someone like this last year. Yes he could be passionate etc but constantly he 'joked' about almost every aspect of me- looks, culture, intelligence, interests, everything. There was always some twisty explanation for his behaviour but ignoring that it was him putting me.down.

What is so witty or hilarious about him shit talking you or your appearance? At best it's a cheap way of getting a laugh at your expense because he can't think of anything actually amusing to say so no, he isn't a funny guy. More likely it's him taking you down a peg.

Get rid.

XmasElf10 · 06/02/2023 07:36

Headfuck alert!!!!

This particular song tends to help me sort the headfucks from normal guys. If this makes you think “ohhhh, this sounds like him” then he’s a headfuck.

If he loved you he would tell you
If he missed you he would call
If he wants you to meet his mum then he would take you home
There is no confusion, he’s not Mr Misunderstood
You are lying to yourself, if he wanted to he would.

Watchkeys · 06/02/2023 08:54

A good rule of thumb is if you're confused by someone, ask them, and if you're still no clearer, leave them. The right person for you isn't the person you can figure out, it's the person you don't have to figure out.

nc1013 · 06/02/2023 08:54

I take my previous post about my bf being "jokey". After seeing your more recent posts, he's nothing like this. You're much better off without him Flowers

Original poster
Hehx3 · 06/02/2023 10:12

Thank you all, I think I needed to hear this. I kind of knew that this does not sit right maybe I wanted it to be "me" issue.
He said a nasty joke last Saturday and I cant shake that off about over woman that he fancied (on tv) what he would do to her and it made me feel sick, never heard that from a man.
He keeps saying how he knows ot all and in general is intelligent man so I started to doubt as I do not have wide experience with men.
Shame as there are some great characteristics about him 😟

OP posts:
XmasElf10 · 06/02/2023 10:18

If there weren't some "good" bits you'd be out the door. Other good rules/ guidelines are:

  • Everyone can pretend for 6 months. If they started out horrid no-one would date them so they love bomb / they pretend. The person you see AFTER 6 months is the real person. They will NEVER go back to how they were at the beginning, that was just a show. Don't hold on wishing for that man back, he never really existed.
  • If you wouldn't accept that behavior from a stranger why on earth is it ok from someone who ought to care about you? If a stranger made insulting jokes about you you'd walk away and not look back so what is stopping you doing it here?
  • If he was really interested in you you'd know. If you feel you are constantly having to guess or try to work it out or accept things that aren't ok to access the good bits then he is not the guy for you.
  • He doesn't have to be evil and abusive for you to leave. You can leave him because he just isn't the right fit for you. Maybe others would find his jokes ok but if they hurt you and you've told him and he doesn't stop then he isn't a good match for you and you need to move on.
FeelinSpendy · 06/02/2023 10:32

Please throw this one back. You sound like a nice person but he doesn’t. If you stay with him, he’ll keep chipping away at your confidence. The fact that you posted on here asking the question shows you already know this - trust your gut. You deserve to be with someone who likes and respects you.

yodayoga1 · 06/02/2023 10:34

XmasElf10 · 06/02/2023 07:36

Headfuck alert!!!!

This particular song tends to help me sort the headfucks from normal guys. If this makes you think “ohhhh, this sounds like him” then he’s a headfuck.

If he loved you he would tell you
If he missed you he would call
If he wants you to meet his mum then he would take you home
There is no confusion, he’s not Mr Misunderstood
You are lying to yourself, if he wanted to he would.

This. All day long. It's never too late to learn that mantra - 'If he wanted to, he would.'
It has served me well since I first decided to be guided by it.

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 10:36

it made me feel sick

If your partner is saying things about women, and what he would do to them that disgust you, you do not have to stay with him, despite how great he tells you he is.

Shut your ears, and open your eyes, get away from him and make it permanent.

Original poster
Hehx3 · 06/02/2023 11:05

Ah sorry basically he said he would shag her so not nasty however not something that I ever heard from a partner

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 11:07

He makes you feel uncomfortable, end the relationship.

Choconut · 06/02/2023 11:42

He says he 'knows it all' and that he'd shag another woman given the chance. He makes jokes about you to undermine your self esteem. He texts you lovely things to keep you but doesn't feel any love for you after 11months. I'd be worried that he's straying into narc territory here OP, I bet nothing is ever his fault, he's always a victim if anything goes wrong and he'd cheat on you with anything that moved.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 06/02/2023 11:55

Took us 2 weeks but I think tbh I could have said it after a few days. Everyone is different OP and there's no right answer but if you are feeling like he doesn't even like you, that's indicative of a bigger issue

Livelifelaughter · 06/02/2023 12:26

BrewandBiscuit · 05/02/2023 22:05

My BF has never said it. We are a year in but he is a widower so it’s hard for him. He shows me he cares though. He’s very thoughtful, attentive, loving etc. he will occasionally send a ❤️ emoji and he often says “I love being with you”, but has never said the words. I’m confident he does love me and it’s actions more than words that matter

Nor has my bf. I think men can be very shaped by previous relationships. Honestly, it depends on what you want. I think back to my first marriage and my ex said it after 2 weeks, I was totally besotted with him. My current bf really likes me, is soppy with me but I don't think he will say he loves me I think the most I will get is that he cares a great deal.

BreviloquentBastard · 06/02/2023 12:52

Honestly OP from the snippets about him you've said her he sounds properly horrible, I really would throw this one back.

xfan · 06/02/2023 13:42

Northlights22 · 05/02/2023 22:01

Go with your gut. If you feel he doesn’t love you then he might not but he’s not making you feel loved or cared for so you deserve more.

You should have a partner who is clear with their communication.

my now husband said it after a few weeks.
he made me feel loved from day one and I knew he loved me.

men fall hard and can’t hide it 9 times out of 10.

"men fall hard and can’t hide it 9 times out of 10 times" and the scientific evidence for this is.....utter anecdotal drivel.

Original poster
Hehx3 · 06/02/2023 14:46

Im taking everything on board, any advice on how to accept an ending - its my 2nd relationship after my marriage felt apart, starting to think I was not made for this. X

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 15:16

Instead of viewing it as accepting an ending, as something that is happening to you, take control and end it, because he isn't enough for you. He isn't what you want. You have decided it didn't work.

You're moving on, you'd rather be single, you don't want him in your life. Take your pick. Try not to view yourself as a passenger, who's only reacting to him and what he wants. Take charge.

Eyerollcentral · 06/02/2023 15:23

Hehx3 · 06/02/2023 14:46

Im taking everything on board, any advice on how to accept an ending - its my 2nd relationship after my marriage felt apart, starting to think I was not made for this. X

It’s tough. Don’t stay in a relationship because you fear other peoples’ opinions. Seems like you overlooked a lot of red flags here from the outset, pay attention to that.