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Original poster

Cant take DPs misery anymore

34 replies

Verysadandcantsustainthis · 05/02/2023 15:40

DP is a miserable bastard and very difficult to live with and I've reached the end I think.

What's tipped me over the edge - it was DDs 15th birthday last weekend. She wanted a certain takeaway for her tea - fine, we said she could pick. DP not massively keen on this food but has had it before, including a period of time where for about a month he kept buying it every week. I wasn't keen on that particular brand but always ate it, I'm not fussy over food tbh but he is, very (think if I get a different brand of sauce there's lots of comments, face pulling, eating v. slowly, making a drama of not finishing it and rustling in cupboards afterwards for snacks etc).

Well, getting this takeaway was awful for him. Moaning, trying to change DDs mind, being belligerent when I was reading out the menu, huffing, sad faces, delaying choosing, using the price as a reason to not get it (I was paying, like usual), huffing when I shared updates on the delivery, comments about what to expect etc. He ruined it and sucked the joy out of it and I was upset on DDs behalf that he wouldn't just be OK with it because it was what she wanted for her birthday. DD unaware of all this tbf, she gave us both a hug and a kiss afterwards thanking us for the "amaze" takeaway. I note he ate most of his.

The other day I got the arse off him because I asked him to drop DS off somewhere 10 mins out of his way as I was sorting something out for DD and didn't want to have to rush back. Huffing, slamming doors, slamming keys down etc. Told him to stop being a twat, its not for me its for his kid, and I think he was surprised I pulled him up.

There's a lot more they are just recent examples.

I'm weary of him. He does pull his weight to a degree when it comes to stuff for the kids, apart from that I get nothing out of this relationship except the occasional laugh together and a bit of money towards the mortgage and bills. Its all misery and doom.

He works about 30 hours a week in a non stressful job.

I suggested he could be depressed because hes progressively become worse to live with, and to see the doc. Obvs he won't go because he says there's nothing wrong with him and im weird for suggesting hes depressed because of one takeaway. So a nice bit of gaslighting thrown in too.

I don't want to be with him anymore, my line in the sand has been reached.

What do I need to do to start planning? I can buy him out the mortgage and easily survive on my wage alone, but do I need to speak to a solicitor? I've put a lot of my money into this house, some has added value, I've bought all the furniture, TV etc. I'll be fucked if hes getting 50% of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Verysadandcantsustainthis · 05/02/2023 15:42

When I say ill be fucked I mean that as in "no way will I allow him to get 50% of the house value". I Can prove I've paid for everything.

OP posts:
Darhon · 05/02/2023 15:46

If you own it jointly, he gets half. You can try to find an alternative to this but you don’t sound like you are married so it’s likely to be 50:50. Unless you have a contract regarding putting more in as a deposit.

CalistoNoSolo · 05/02/2023 15:48

Seeing a good divorce solicitor is your first step here, and don't tell him you're doing it either.

MissConductUS · 05/02/2023 15:50

If you're not married and have paid for everything, he shouldn't expect anything. Checking with a family law solicitor on the quiet is very good advice.

EVHead · 05/02/2023 15:50

Solicitor for sure.

MadMadMadamMim · 05/02/2023 15:51

Good for you. He sounds a miserable drain on everyone.

However, I agree with PP that it won't be down to you what he gets. It will need to be sorted out legally, and however much it pisses you off it's likely that the assets will just be split 50/50. Can you afford to pay him whatever half the equity in the house is, and then take on the mortgage alone?

Good luck.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/02/2023 15:52

Get to a solicitor immediately and don't let him know. Your mission in life right now should be getting away from that horrid man, as quickly as possible. Do it for your kids.

Viviennemary · 05/02/2023 15:53

If you own the house jointly he will probanly get half regardless of how much you put in. Unless you protected ypur deposit.

Original poster
Verysadandcantsustainthis · 05/02/2023 15:56

Yea I can do the 50/50 its just fucking galling. One of the expenditures was needed or it would have had catastrophic implications to the house value (think only being able to sell to a cash buyer in future, if it could legally be sold at all). He didn't help at all, called me a fool for going through with it, laughably one comment was "that's only what the law says" when i showed him in black and white print. I paid for it all. Only for it to add value that hell fucking benefit from. Tosser.

OP posts:
Original poster
Verysadandcantsustainthis · 05/02/2023 15:59

No deposit, we were lucky to get 100% mortgage. He gives some money towards it which covers half and some of the bills. I pay for literally everything else- food, clothes for us all, kids activities, school shite, anything that needs doing to the home including £8k worth of improvements in the last 5 years.....petrol, car, insurance, all me.

Thank you for the advice so far x

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 05/02/2023 16:00

He will get half the value of the house if it is in both your names, but I would rather suck that up than live with him.

Alcemeg · 05/02/2023 16:08

You could be wrong that DD was "unaware" of him making a song and dance out of the takeaway. She might just be used to putting a brave face on things and trying to make you feel better.

Original poster
Verysadandcantsustainthis · 05/02/2023 16:45

Tbh that's a concern I do have, that its affecting the kids. I dont want them growing up around someone so miserable. My dad was a misery, it made my brother move out as soon as he was able and got into a lot of debt etc and he lost out a bit in life I think because of that. I don't want my DC being chased away before they actually want to leave home 😔

OP posts:
userxx · 05/02/2023 16:51

Was he always this way ? It sounds a grim existence to be honest.

mathanxiety · 05/02/2023 16:58

See a solicitor.

The 50% sounds like a bargain if you can get this miserable man out from under your roof tbf.

Wibblewibble1 · 05/02/2023 17:02

To get out of this relationship it may cost you some finances, but honestly you’ll get out with your souls in tact and that is priceless. This main is an emotional vampire, so you need to get out now with your kids and the rest is collateral damage. You’ll be much happier without him.

knittingaddict · 05/02/2023 17:10

Darhon · 05/02/2023 15:46

If you own it jointly, he gets half. You can try to find an alternative to this but you don’t sound like you are married so it’s likely to be 50:50. Unless you have a contract regarding putting more in as a deposit.

Not necessarily if there are children involved. It also depends on lots of other things - earning potential, caring responsibilities, etc.⁷

knittingaddict · 05/02/2023 17:12

Just seen that you aren't married. 50/50 then if he is on the deeds and mortgage.

ImAvingOops · 05/02/2023 17:57

Do you have receipts for the essential work you did? You could maybe prove you paid for it if the bill was paid from an account in your name only. I would be arguing that if he gets 50% of the house value, it's minus the money you paid for the essential repair work.
Maybe he'd take less than 50% in exchange for reduced child maintenance payments? Definitely see a solicitor before doing anything though and while he's out, root through the household paperwork to find anything which supports your claim to a higher share.

Original poster
Verysadandcantsustainthis · 05/02/2023 18:10

userxx · 05/02/2023 16:51

Was he always this way ? It sounds a grim existence to be honest.

Not this bad, hes definitely got worse in the last 6 years or so. He's always been a bit grey - never goes out with friends, likes his routine, can get huffy if plans are changed (e.g. if I say I'm doing a chicken curry one night then change my mind in the morning and do chilli - both of which he likes). I once came home from a night out at 3am (😬) had a WONDERFUL time and got shitty comments about it and the eyeball which soured it. Likes the same food - we basically have about 5 meals on rotation - if I suggest anything different he refuses and buys himself something.

Hes a mood hoover tbh. I'm always the one who has to try and gee him up and assure him it will be fine if something goes wrong with the car or whatever.

Its exhausting when sometimes I could do with a bit of lifting up 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Verysadandcantsustainthis · 05/02/2023 18:15

ImAvingOops · 05/02/2023 17:57

Do you have receipts for the essential work you did? You could maybe prove you paid for it if the bill was paid from an account in your name only. I would be arguing that if he gets 50% of the house value, it's minus the money you paid for the essential repair work.
Maybe he'd take less than 50% in exchange for reduced child maintenance payments? Definitely see a solicitor before doing anything though and while he's out, root through the household paperwork to find anything which supports your claim to a higher share.

Not for everything, have bank transfer info to company names etc. From my account for everything though and a lot of the bills are in my name only.

I'm thinking ill get it valued and ask how much it would be without the improvements and take it from there. Will definitely get legal advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Verysadandcantsustainthis · 05/02/2023 18:18

As a side we never got married because I didn't want to, I'd have more to lose than him as I'm the higher earner and I didn't want the kids to be screwed over if I ever died. There's no doubt in my mind he'd get over me fairly quickly and get someone else, he'd be useless on his own.

OP posts:
PrinceHaz · 05/02/2023 18:20

Definitely get all the financial and legal advice you can so you know exactly what you’re doing when you split.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 05/02/2023 18:21

Good for you op. No advice except do it asap!
What a ridiculous way to behave over one fucking meal. Selfish twat.

EarthSight · 05/02/2023 18:29

What an absolute twat OP. He's such a pouty toddler. Not only is he neurotic, but he's so passive aggressive as well.

He might be right OP - he might not depressed in the sense that you would recognise it. He just wants attention, wants be be an arse to you, wants to ruin things for everyone when things don't go exactly his way, and doesn't want you to inconvenience his Lordship.

You know, sometimes people are unpleasant because they're miserable in their marriages and they cheer the fuck up once they're divorced or in a different relationship. There are others though, that will be like this even on their own, the main downside for them being that no one is there to be an audience to their performative sulking. They are left to stew in their own juices, and then bitterly regret their behaviour once their other half is gone.

If he's like this now, I can't imagine what he'll be like once he's 60 or 70.