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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are We Dating the Same Guy?

28 replies

CruCru · 05/02/2023 13:23

There’s a thing in the Times today about a Facebook group called “Are We Dating the Same guy?” where women post photos of their boyfriend and ask if anyone knows if they have any red flags.

I can see this is useful to find out if your new boyfriend is actually going out with loads of people or if they are a total fuckwit (has a pattern of endlessly ghosting, borrows lots of money). Perhaps it’s a bit hard on people where things just didn’t work out.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Shallysally · 05/02/2023 13:26

I think people who post pictures of their current men in that group need to think about how they would feel if people were doing this about them!

People have a right to privacy, and I sure as hell wouldn’t want my picture, and probable failings as a human being, posted on a group on Facebook!

ACynicalDad · 05/02/2023 13:29

I read that article, thought it was more about dates than boyfriends. Frankly enough men are a*holes I don’t blame women for doing this. Maybe dating websites need reviews like Amazon!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/02/2023 13:43

Don’t like it
feels icky and wrong

people should be able to
make their own assessments I’d say as they get to know people

ooohsopink · 06/02/2023 20:56

There's Clare's Law in the UK, where you can ask the police if your partner has a history of domestic violence, if you're worried.

category12 · 06/02/2023 21:09

There was recently a thread where someone was asking if she should ask a mutual acquaintance about her potential date, and I thought, why wouldn't you?!

I don't think we do enough asking around, tbh.

I disagree about "people should be able to make their own assessments" - or certainly if it means deliberately going in blind. Obviously you'd need to take things with a pinch of salt, but I think women are really overly-pressured/socialised to give blokes chances and to act like a bloke who has previously abused other women might just not abuse or cheat on you because, I dunno, you're so special to him or you'll love him right.

I don't know how well an online thing like this would function, but women talking is a good thing.

Tempname123 · 06/02/2023 22:12

I'm in one of the facebook groups for this (they have ones in different cities). It's really good! The number of men who are cheating or have loads of red flags. The women all share them and quite often someone is saved from going on a date or getting more serious with someone who is awful. Often the man is cheating, or is just downright nasty. Sometimes there are just funny posts about how dull the man is. Occasionally someone has really good feedback about the guy.

It's good. And these FB groups wouldn't be necessary if the men were decent, so don't feel sorry for them.

nc1013 · 06/02/2023 22:13

Tempname123 · 06/02/2023 22:12

I'm in one of the facebook groups for this (they have ones in different cities). It's really good! The number of men who are cheating or have loads of red flags. The women all share them and quite often someone is saved from going on a date or getting more serious with someone who is awful. Often the man is cheating, or is just downright nasty. Sometimes there are just funny posts about how dull the man is. Occasionally someone has really good feedback about the guy.

It's good. And these FB groups wouldn't be necessary if the men were decent, so don't feel sorry for them.

What's the name of the fb group?

Tempname123 · 06/02/2023 22:13

It's all dates rather than people in relationships, although one woman who was in a LDR relationship did post a picture of her bf (she wasn't here, but he was) and he was cheating! But she only posted it because she had suspicions.

Tempname123 · 06/02/2023 22:13

Are we dating the same guy [city]

nc1013 · 06/02/2023 22:33

Thanks! Can't find one for my area. That
Would've been interesting given my dating history Grin

Talon01 · 06/02/2023 22:48

Sounds awful. Like where people post on tik tok about dating profiles they don't like (when not offensive).

ShopoholicIn · 06/02/2023 22:49

Shallysally · 05/02/2023 13:26

I think people who post pictures of their current men in that group need to think about how they would feel if people were doing this about them!

People have a right to privacy, and I sure as hell wouldn’t want my picture, and probable failings as a human being, posted on a group on Facebook!

Well said

Tempname123 · 07/02/2023 06:27

well in the group I'm in, there are strict rules about mocking photos etc. People don't post pictures of their partners, they post pictures of people they're going on a date with and ask for information on them, or they post pictures of people they went on dates with and post the red flags.

Often there are huge amounts of red flags in both categories. The women are saved from going on dates with flaky, unpleasant or downright dangerous men. I wouldn't feel sympathy for the men - it wouldn't be necessary if dating (and the men on OLD) weren't so toxic. Most of the women (and the men) are reasonably young and the behaviour they are subjected to is just horrendous.

considerablycuntierthanyou · 07/02/2023 06:47

This seems like a modern equivalent to dating someone local, friends of friends or cousins of a neighbour type thing, when you would have a rough idea of the person's character and personality before dating.

Women should take their safety seriously when dating.

supercali77 · 07/02/2023 07:03

Its a good idea. There was a similar thing a while back, different name for that group. There were some seriously abusive men posted on there backed by a few people who'd met or dated them

EvelynBeatrice · 07/02/2023 17:08

I suppose there's always a risk of someone being lied about or defamed but... on the other hand you can set against that that it might save some women from great unpleasantness, assault or rape! The vulnerable protect themselves as best they can.

When I was at university years ( and years!) ago, we had an equivalent- the ladies loo walls in the university library and in each faculty too had lists of boys to avoid ...

Original poster
CruCru · 07/02/2023 17:40

I’ve just had a nose at the FB group for London. It is a closed group but it looks like slagging people off is against their rules.

OP posts:
Cath2712 · 30/09/2023 18:17

The group started last year in New York where the dating scene seems particularly brutal and demographically women are at a disadvantage. As others have pointed out there are quite strict rules about posting including no full names, employment details, hate speech or mockery. Judging by the threads in the London group and the rate at which these groups are growing, now in Manchester, Glasgow etc, they are doing a huge amount to empower women on the dating scene and save them from some highly predatory men. Frequently, when a man is posted, his picture has already come up before from another member.

obje · 30/09/2023 19:22

I think if you get to the stage of doing this you need to question why you're with the person in the first place

NameChangeToInfinity · 30/09/2023 19:48

I think the groups are very beneficial. If a man's photo has been shared then it's because that photo is already public. If they are decent someone will come along and say or no one will say anything at all. Any photos/bios are already on dating sites.

You have no idea the amount of woman who have been saved from going on a first date with someone who has been charged with abuse or SA/rape.

Others find out their SO is in a relationship or married.

It is a closed group for women supporting women.

NameChangeToInfinity · 30/09/2023 19:50

obje · 30/09/2023 19:22

I think if you get to the stage of doing this you need to question why you're with the person in the first place

It's mostly dating sites unless a woman has a feeling her OH is on one and wants to check.

whatsgoingo · 30/09/2023 20:05

The group has helped me from going on dates with married men and catfish accounts

Cath2712 · 30/09/2023 23:12

Many women are posting prior to a first date - or early on when things aren’t quite adding up.

Original poster
CruCru · 09/04/2024 15:23

There’s a thing in the Times about this today. A guy is suing 50+ women who have posted on the LA version of Are we Dating the Same Guy because he said that they have spoiled his love life, damaged his reputation and cost him money in job opportunities.

The lead defendant said that he was rude to her during an initial phone date and she hadn’t wanted to meet him in person. Most of the women who posted on the site didn’t know each other.

OP posts:
Anonymousnoseynancy23 · 07/02/2025 20:48

Are you on (are dating the same guy Ayrshire) looking for a post and can’t get on the page because the accused is my dad, I’m in no way defending him just wanted the gossip as he won’t tell me the truth

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