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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has cheated throughout our ten year marriage

43 replies

Lillybean34 · 05/02/2023 11:03

Just that really. Our marriage unraveled last year when a long term affair was discovered by me but since then I have discovered that my husband was cheating on nights out and stag dos from the beginning of our marriage. Think taking wedding ring off to chat with women etc. We have children together and they were born after the cheating started. I honestly had no idea and feel so utterly betrayed, I am finding it hard to cope.
My husband is wanting to divorce as he says that he liked the last OW better than me and that he deserves better but yet wants me to be happy. This is a man who followed me in our early twenties when I relocated for my career, proposed to me, declared his love throughout and now it has all been a sham. 😔
He says he has no instruction manual on how to deal with this and is absolutely without emotion. Just keeps saying that he is a good father.

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/02/2023 11:04

He's the worst kind of father.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2023 11:08

He is a crap example of a father to his children, let alone husband to you.

I would take him at his word and seek legal advice re divorce as soon as you are able.

ArcticSkewer · 05/02/2023 11:09

I'm really sorry.

Lean on friends and family, and get yourself a good counsellor. Exercise, eat well, love yourself, be kind to yourself.

You will make it through this. At least now you have the truth.

Pseudonamed · 05/02/2023 11:20

What a complete scumbag. I am so sorry.

PinkiOcelot · 05/02/2023 11:24

No OP, you deserve better.
The cheeky bastard! He’s an arse hole. The OW is welcome to him.

Sunriseinwonderland · 05/02/2023 11:27

You don't need to hang onto him. Its a shock, my exH whom I loved more than anything I experienced before had been lying behind my back.
Once the initial grief of being alone wears off life is better.

CrescentMoons · 05/02/2023 11:31

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/02/2023 11:04

He's the worst kind of father.

This.

disengage
get counselling
get a lawyer

he is messing with your head

Naunet · 05/02/2023 11:44

Oh a good father is he?! Great, he’ll be sharing care of the kids 50/50 then right, or would that cramp his affair too much?

He’s trash OP, it’s going to be painful for some time, there’s no escaping that, but I promise you, you will get through this and you’ll be better for it. X

Shewhois21 · 05/02/2023 11:45

If he was a good father he would treat the mother of his DC with respect. Doing all that cheating and then telling you all that unnecessary information is cruel and disrespectful. Anyone can be unhappy and want a divorce but they don't have to carry on like your husband has. Unfortunately you never really know anyone.

Doneanddusted222 · 05/02/2023 11:47

Sorry to hear you’re going through this OP! When did you find out? 😔

Original poster
Lillybean34 · 05/02/2023 11:56

I found out about the long term affair last year. I found out about the endless cheating last week
really only due to the fact that my DH was blaming me for not treating him well enough in our marriage, and for breaking up our family and one of my friends told me that an acquaintance of ours had been in my husband's company in 2015 and witnessed him taking off his wedding ring before going out to a pub. She told my friend as she wanted me to see that it had been going on longer than I could ever have imagined.
My husband thinks he’s some sort of god and has I just feel so duped in all areas of my life, really.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 05/02/2023 11:56

I'm sorry OP.
But he is clearly feeling guilty and prepared to hopefully be more than fair to you. I would take advantage of that before the OW gets demanding about sharing his money, he starts to feel less guilty and less likely to be generous.

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 05/02/2023 14:02

He’s an appalling father, a cruel failure of a husband and a worse human. Jesus.

Match his cold disdain of you. Get good legal advice and take what is rightfully yours.

sianiboo · 05/02/2023 14:33

He's just like my father.

Married to my mother just short of 23 years, was only 19 when they married (because they 'had' to as my mother got pregnant less than 6 months after they met). My mother was 25, my father had lied about his age when they met - so their whole relationship started out on a lie.

Never got any better. My father hadn't wanted children in the first place, they ended up with 3 as my mother is Catholic. He finally had a vasectomy when my younger brother was born. He managed 10 years as a 'good' father before he gave up the pretence (he'd been unfaithful to my mother since the beginning). After that he worked abroad, my mother followed him around like a stupid puppy, for 5 years, dragging myself and my two brothers with her, until I was 14. By that time a lot of damage had been done to our health, education and emotional and social development.

My father finally left my mother for another woman after my younger brother turned 18. My mother was 47, never has had another relationship since.

I'm hoping that you and your children are a lot younger. Because that will mean that even though it doesn't feel like it now, your husband is doing you all a massive favour by revealing his true colours before you are all badly affected.

WhineWhineWINE · 05/02/2023 14:38

What an absolute vile shit. Massive sympathy and a hug from me, you know what you have to do. You are worth so much more than this pathetic excuse of a man. Flowers

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/02/2023 14:44

I'm so sorry. This happened to me too. It's an absolute psychological hammer blow. My advice to you is to minimise communication, assume he's going to try and screw you over financially, see a solicitor asap, tell him to do one. He is a shit father and a shit human being and I promise you, that one day, you will see what an arsehole you've got rid of. You deserve so much better, as do your children. Also, seek some counselling, that literally saved my life Flowers

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/02/2023 14:50

I’m so sorry op. I went through similar. After finding out my DH of over 20 years was cheating, it turned out ‘she wasn’t the first’, and he had been doing it for years on and off (and taking his wedding ring off for the evening/business trip, etc). I was devastated to find out my whole marriage was basically a lie and a sham. Divorce the bastard, be glad you found out and didn’t waste more time on the slime, and move on. Agree counselling might be an idea. Hugs to you, it will get better.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 05/02/2023 15:00

As soon as you separate and live independently they prove if they are a good parent or not. It becomes incredibly obvious how important or unimportant their kids are to them.
Sadly too often the dad leaves and prioritises himself and sees the kids as an obligation rather than little people going through some very big emotions

Nelly10 · 05/02/2023 15:10

Similar situation my H probably starting cheating 3-4 years into Marriage so at least 10 years with 2 young kids. Getting on for 5 months away from him now, it’s horrible as your reality of the person and life you had together is totally distorted. However I am feeling much better totally disengage no messages social media only email. Counselling/exercise, I’m doing things I would never of done before this happened. Find that new life, it’s hard at first but you have to push through. These men are total failures as husband’s and dad’s unfortunately. When you’re going through hell keep going!

Outtasteamandluck · 05/02/2023 15:29

What a KNOB HEAD. He wants to go? Show him the door.

You can, you will, you must triumph.

MoreSleepPleasee · 05/02/2023 16:04

Cheating doesn't make him a bad father I only say that as my dad cheated on my mum and it makes him a useless horrible partner but it didn't make him a bad dad to his kids. You are better off without him op. He will grow bored of the new woman though I'm sure.

LadyJ2023 · 05/02/2023 16:07

Woah a bad husband does not make for a bad father....A bad example yes but the comments on being a bad father and being a bad husband are 2 totally different concepts

Choconut · 05/02/2023 16:33

I've been through similar OP, our 25 year relationship/marriage turned out to be sham. Mine also thought he was god's gift to women and was never to blame for anything - basically he blamed me for anything that went wrong in his life. Turns out he ticks every box for covert narcissism, wouldn't surprise me if yours was a narc to. The lies, gas lighting, manipulation is incredible, he has no emotion because people are pawns to him- useful or not useful - and he has low empathy and no remorse. All typical with narcs.

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/02/2023 17:00

Choconut · 05/02/2023 16:33

I've been through similar OP, our 25 year relationship/marriage turned out to be sham. Mine also thought he was god's gift to women and was never to blame for anything - basically he blamed me for anything that went wrong in his life. Turns out he ticks every box for covert narcissism, wouldn't surprise me if yours was a narc to. The lies, gas lighting, manipulation is incredible, he has no emotion because people are pawns to him- useful or not useful - and he has low empathy and no remorse. All typical with narcs.

You've just described my ex and OW with incredible accuracy. It's so frightening.

Starlitestarbright · 05/02/2023 17:44

Hope your OK op