My husband has cheated throughout our ten year marriage

[Lillybean34]

Just that really. Our marriage unraveled last year when a long term affair was discovered by me but since then I have discovered that my husband was cheating on nights out and stag dos from the beginning of our marriage. Think taking wedding ring off to chat with women etc. We have children together and they were born after the cheating started. I honestly had no idea and feel so utterly betrayed, I am finding it hard to cope.
My husband is wanting to divorce as he says that he liked the last OW better than me and that he deserves better but yet wants me to be happy. This is a man who followed me in our early twenties when I relocated for my career, proposed to me, declared his love throughout and now it has all been a sham. 😔
He says he has no instruction manual on how to deal with this and is absolutely without emotion. Just keeps saying that he is a good father.

Your reply should be.... 'well, don't let me keep you!' and show him the door.
Also don't forget to say NO
when he begs to come back to you because the OW's grass wasn't greener than yours.

This is one of those horrendous situations of finding out who someone really is. It is utterly devastating that he did that but it is about himself it speaks absolute volumes about him. You deserved so much better.

They're separate to a certain extent but they're certainly not totally different concepts.

Anyone who would cheat for the entirety of his marriage took a HUGE risk with his childrens future and happiness, he could have emotionally destroyed the mother which could have severe consequences for his kids . A good father cares about the childrens home environment.
Every single day he risked the stability of their home life.

Wow you are truly lucky he is wanting a divorce. Usually mopeheads like this are needy but you are lucky if you can escape this toxic narc/ borderline personality disordered psychopath for good. Run and never look back.

Cheating has 0% to do with u. Zilch.

He’s suck im the head to need that sort of pathetic validation.

I have doubts he will let you go though it could be just talk. So act in it fast.

Oh and BTW he is a shit father by default. A personality disorder in whereby the person lacks empathy can not be cured. It’s an algorithm that’s his default setting for all interactions with anyone.

So yes, he’s basically a shit.

This is 💯 true!

Get yourself tested for STIs. Really sorry that you are going through tthis. I hope you will heal from this.

Tell him that if he really was a good father, he would have devoted his time to his children, not gone fucking around with other women when he should have been with his family. Good fathers don't treat their kids' mothers like shit and destroy them either. What a godawful fuckwit your husband sounds.

You are better off out of the relationship. In12 months you’ll be a different person and fell a whole lot lighter.

Get rid and don’t go back.

Get rid asap. I had a BF like this when I was younger - we went out from when I was 17 to 27 - he was three years older. Throughout our relationship I kept catching him out and he would say - 'yes but that was last year, I'm faithful now'.

Tbf he certainly wouldn't have moved away to follow me, and he never proposed (although he once suggested getting a place and living together, but somehow I knew it wouldn't work) - so your DH sounds like he was trying to be more committed at some point. But I just think some people are not trustworthy and shouldn't be in monogamous relationships. I don't think he'll change.

Fwiw, my ex BF never married and still has lots of fun juggling different women three decades later. I married a lovely faithful man and have two DCs, but still totally recognise the type! I'm so sorry you're in that situation - but I really don't think leopards change their spots..... I hope you can sort things out and wish you and your DCs a very happy future.

I disagree that a bad husband doesn't mean a bad father.

ALL of the time he took to cheat is time he could have chosen to spend with the kids but didn't. He prioritised his own wants / needs over that of the DC. OP was left looking after the kids while he justified time away.

A good father would go to great lengths to keep the family together. Especially when there is nothing in h wrong with the wife and the problem is him.

So yes he’s a wanker

Part of being a father is being a role model to your children.
Children watch what you do and I believe are influenced by this more than what you tell them to do.

Good fathers don’t betray their children’s mother, lie to her and deceive her, and then blame her for causing it all.
The children were deceived by their father too, he sold them a fake reality, and let them live in the illusion that they were living in a secure family with two parents in a stable marriage.
It was rubbish, he lied to, deceived and manipulated everyone in order to achieve the illusion of stability, whilst he did everything he could to undermine it and risked wrecking it at every turn. Good fathers don’t do that.
I know a family where the young teenage son accidentally found out about the OW. He was thrown into the terrible position of finding out his father was a liar and a cheat, and knowing something that his mother needed to know but he knew in telling her it would devastate her. That poor boy! I doubt he thought his dad was the greatest at that point.
Those of you who think a bad husband isn’t necessarily a bad father in cases of infidelity, must think it’s ok to manipulate kids and risk their mental health and security in order to get your illicit kicks. Wow.

Jesus
the sooner you divorce him the better

there is a moral vacuam with him and the sooner you u realise that the better form your healing lovely

I’m so sorry , this is a horrific and long term betrayal and I can’t imagine healing will be easy x

Ime children of fathers who are continual cheaters don't believe them to be a good parent.

Sorry you're going through this op 

You need to 180...hard.

The 180

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Seek support from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Is this great dad planning on 50/50? 59% school runs? 50% days off with kids holidays / sickness etc