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Original poster

AIBU snoring/heavy breathing disturbing my sleep

38 replies

Winterwondering22 · 05/02/2023 08:34

i really need to check if I’m being unreasonable as I have been wearing ear plugs for more than a decade now to deal with the disturbance of my husbands snoring.
jn recent years it has got to the point they don’t even work now and I’m woken up in the middle of the night with snoring. It’s very disruptive as sometimes I diner for back to sleep for ages.
he will often get into bed use his phone then turn the light off and start breathing heavily before settling into the sleep and eventually snoring. The heavy breathing means I can’t even lay in peace and read or relax. He lays on his back even though he knows that causes it.
move suggested solutions to which he never agrees I’ve suggested I move to the spare room or he does but he insists he won’t do it.
more recently since summer he started to go running and get up around 545 and most mornings it wakes me as the best creaks so again I’ve suggested we sleep in a spare room to avoid disturbance for me.
it seriously impacts my mood and day when I’m not sleeping well.
He’s 45 by the way.
Advice welcome. Thanks 🙏

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 05/02/2023 08:41

He sounds very selfish, but you can move into the spare room, you don’t need his approval

Moidershewrote · 05/02/2023 08:43

Why do you need his agreement to move the to spare room?

Lcb123 · 05/02/2023 08:44

Just go in spare room

Angelik · 05/02/2023 08:45

Separate rooms is the only answer. Worked for me and dh. He said he sleeps better as he no longer worries about disturbing me or is disturbed himself from my prodding

user1471517095 · 05/02/2023 09:09

I have this exact problem, he gets in bed and looks at his phone, which I don't mind. But he's breathing as though he's just done some exercise - really heavily. This winds me up, so then I put my earplugs in. I do drop off to sleep eventually, but he has recently started a really "deep" kind of snoring which actually vibrates through the matress so I can now feel as well as hear him! I can't move out of the bed at the moment as we're decorating our spare room so the bed is dismantled. When I say anything he has the audacity to say he hardly slept all night. I could cheerfully smother him with a pillow.

Original poster
Winterwondering22 · 05/02/2023 12:07

Thanks for the replies. Yes I think the spare room is the only answer but he insists we must stay in the same room. Not sure why. Maybe I’m like some safety blanket. Driving me nuts. He last said you only find my breathing annoying as you are autistic. Which I’m not. Or at least haven’t been diagnosed.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 05/02/2023 12:17

Is he overweight? Does he have asthma?

Def sleep in separate rooms if that's more comfortable

Dodecaheidyin · 05/02/2023 12:30

he insists we must stay in the same room. Not sure why.

He's trying to insist you have bad sleep.

And the fact he's trying to put the blame on you is telling, along with claiming it's because you're autistic. Does he often use that to try and put doubt in your mind?

If you want to move into the spare room then do it, his feelings aren't relevant with that attitude.

Original poster
Winterwondering22 · 05/02/2023 13:47

user1471517095 · 05/02/2023 09:09

I have this exact problem, he gets in bed and looks at his phone, which I don't mind. But he's breathing as though he's just done some exercise - really heavily. This winds me up, so then I put my earplugs in. I do drop off to sleep eventually, but he has recently started a really "deep" kind of snoring which actually vibrates through the matress so I can now feel as well as hear him! I can't move out of the bed at the moment as we're decorating our spare room so the bed is dismantled. When I say anything he has the audacity to say he hardly slept all night. I could cheerfully smother him with a pillow.

We seem to have married the twins 🙄🙄

OP posts:
JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 05/02/2023 14:08

The absolute audacity of a man who snores like a pig and won’t do anything about it, but insists his wife have to sleep in the same room as him and put up with it because it’s what he wants.

Absolutely vile.

What would he do/say if you just went to the spare room and went to sleep there @Winterwondering22 ? At bedtime, I don’t mean when you’re awoken in the night.

Ilovechoc12 · 05/02/2023 14:25

Separate bedrooms - bliss!

Why put up with something when you don't have to!

I haven't slept in my husbands bedroom for 10 years plus - even on holiday separate as I share with my children ... (I have 2 he takes the other 2)

I'm so grumpy without a full nights zzzzzz

It works for us both

NattyNamechanger · 05/02/2023 14:29

I have my own room.
It's heaven
No snoring, farting or mess.
He wasn't happy so I said its that or a divorce.
Lack of sleep is a killer,literally
Lack of sleep plus a selfish, pig of a DH is going to kill your relationship anyway.

Original poster
Winterwondering22 · 05/02/2023 14:41

Thanks all. So true.
…it’s selfish and it’s so pointless.
as we are sleeping it makes no difference and it’s bad for health to not have a full sleep.
From tonight it’s separate beds.

OP posts:
OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 05/02/2023 15:18

KangarooKenny · 05/02/2023 08:41

He sounds very selfish, but you can move into the spare room, you don’t need his approval

^ This! ^

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 05/02/2023 15:19

Winterwondering22 · 05/02/2023 12:07

Thanks for the replies. Yes I think the spare room is the only answer but he insists we must stay in the same room. Not sure why. Maybe I’m like some safety blanket. Driving me nuts. He last said you only find my breathing annoying as you are autistic. Which I’m not. Or at least haven’t been diagnosed.

What an arse.

BiddyPop · 05/02/2023 15:22

Both Dh and I snore and disturb each other. We generally sleep in the same room but have an agreement that if either needs in the middle of the night (or after a few disturbed nights needing a full sleep), whoever is awake bails to spare room.

We are married 23 years. We love each other and do still have plenty of fun together. But acknowledge each other's need for sleep.

Badger1970 · 05/02/2023 15:47

DH and I are only still married because we sleep in separate rooms. He's got a sleep disorder, and he had a meltdown when I made him move into the spare room. But he's still in it, because he was told in no uncertain terms that it was separate beds or a separate house....

Original poster
Winterwondering22 · 05/02/2023 15:49

Badger1970 · 05/02/2023 15:47

DH and I are only still married because we sleep in separate rooms. He's got a sleep disorder, and he had a meltdown when I made him move into the spare room. But he's still in it, because he was told in no uncertain terms that it was separate beds or a separate house....

It is something a lot of people do I think. It makes sense. I’m sure it’s better to allow someone space and rest than irritate the hell out of them and drive you away.
im all for this. Separate rooms or separate house 👍

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 05/02/2023 16:25

Not getting enough quality sleep is going to make you ill, OP. Take the decision about what is, effectively, to do with your long term mental and physical health, out of his hands and move to the share room and make it comfy and welcoming place for YOU. Make it as permanent as his selfish non-actions (ie not seeking out solutions).

Also, if you can do this without him knowing, see if you can record his snoring on your smartphone, and play it back to him when he next tells you he doesn't snore. 🌹

category12 · 05/02/2023 16:33

Has he been checked out by the doctor?

He sounds quite selfish about it all, so moving to the spare room seems the best idea. Make it nice for yourself and enjoy the relative peace!

Bananadramallamas · 05/02/2023 16:33

I could have written exactly the same as Biddypop.
OP, you're going to feel SO much better after a decent night's sleep. 💤

Palmfrond · 05/02/2023 16:34

My DW is a selfish snorer. It’s clearly a health condition and stopping her from sleeping properly but she doesn’t feel sufficiently moved to do anything about it or even sleep in the position which makes her much less likely to snore.
The result is that I sleep probably 5/7 nights a week in the spare room, which I don’t mind at all, but she does, or pretends to anyway. But, there it is, one of the many glories of middle age!

DumbledoresWand · 05/02/2023 20:00

We have separate bedrooms. My DP snores early in the night, and apparently I start to snore from about 4am. We have just come back from holiday, where we shared a bed, and he actually recorded my snoring on his phone. I was horrified when he played it back... separate beds has worked for us, and us both understanding that getting enough sleep is something we both need.

2022NewTimes · 05/02/2023 20:22

@Winterwondering22 Sleep deficiency is linked to many chronic health problems, including heart disease, kidney disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, obesity, and depression.

He needs to try and sort it out

NeedAHoliday2021 · 05/02/2023 21:41

Dh is only bad when he’s got a cold so I go in dc’s room - either dd 2’s bunk bed or dd3’s pull out bed (only pull it out if I am aware before bedtime as dd3 is a wonderfully silent sleeper with a really comfy bed. I’ll be sleeping in there tonight as dh has a cold and keeps sneezing.

Once dc move out I plan to make a beautiful spare bedroom that will be mine.

i adore dh but I also love sleep and can cope with life much better if I’ve had a good night’s sleep.