AIBU snoring/heavy breathing disturbing my sleep

[Winterwondering22]

i really need to check if I’m being unreasonable as I have been wearing ear plugs for more than a decade now to deal with the disturbance of my husbands snoring.
jn recent years it has got to the point they don’t even work now and I’m woken up in the middle of the night with snoring. It’s very disruptive as sometimes I diner for back to sleep for ages.
he will often get into bed use his phone then turn the light off and start breathing heavily before settling into the sleep and eventually snoring. The heavy breathing means I can’t even lay in peace and read or relax. He lays on his back even though he knows that causes it.
move suggested solutions to which he never agrees I’ve suggested I move to the spare room or he does but he insists he won’t do it.
more recently since summer he started to go running and get up around 545 and most mornings it wakes me as the best creaks so again I’ve suggested we sleep in a spare room to avoid disturbance for me.
it seriously impacts my mood and day when I’m not sleeping well.
He’s 45 by the way.
Advice welcome. Thanks 🙏

Oh my husband is similar although he snores so loud you can hear him from a different floor or from outside the house through the double glazing. It really is that bad! He's been tested for apnea but apparently he doesn't have that. He does have a deviated septum which he can have operated on for correction which will in turn hopefully help with snoring too. Separate beds a few times per week helps with the sleep deprivation x

This. I'd have moved in there long ago.

He says you're autistic when you're not? Gaslighting arse.

Just move. You don't need his permission.

Most of us are conscious when we’re being “intimate”. You don’t need to sleep in the same bed to have sex you know. My XP and I had separate beds because he was a terrible snorer and fidget. I slept awfully for years before I realised I could fit two smaller beds in the space of my one king size. It meant I still needed ear plugs but at least I couldn’t feel him flip flopping about all night and stealing the duvet. Half the week we slept in separate houses which was even better 😂. But when he was at my house we had sex then went into our separate beds to sleep and on holiday we’d either rent a place with two rooms - absolute bliss - or get a family room with 2 double beds. Absolutely no reason why two adults need to sleep next to each other if it’s disturbing one or both of them. XP was also annoyed when I first suggested it and saw it as some kind of rejection, but he had to admit he slept better than when we shared and also better than he did at home, as he’d had the benefit of cuddles and sex before he went to sleep!

Not his decision. He can't insist you stay with him. Sleep deprivation is torture.
We have separate rooms , if we share eg holiday or guests it's hideous.

Yes I slept in my own bed last night and slept much better. I think a few nights a week is reasonable.
i think he does feel rejected but it’s just sensible.
thanks for all the replies. Really appreciate the advice and also shared experiences.

34 years married, 22 of them in separate rooms. DW's snoring is loud enough to be heard through the floor, and I have nightmares that wake me drenched in sweat. Also we have widely differing shifts; nobody wants to be woken after 3 hours sleep or 3 hours early.

@Winterwondering22

You won't look back, I moved into the spare bed as my DP snores horrendously, refused to get help. Didn't even care that I slept on the couch or threaten to get in the car to sleep once when on holiday. They wanted to go camping last summer and I laughed in their face at their fucking ignorance.

I moved into the spare room and I love my own bed. It's clean, no pets allowed in there, I have all my own bedroom stuff and it's like I've made a bedroom I dreamed of when I was a kid but with adult money lol.

My problem with DP snoring does come with resentment towards them, which is a relationship killer but then so is watching the person you "love" cry and beg so upset that you won't get help and continue to do fuck all about it. I guess we are more like room mates now than passionate lover. But apart from the snoring we are still happy each day, spend a lot of time with each other. My partners "penance" for not getting help is now when we book a holiday he has to pay for another room or two roomed suite for us because I refuse to get a shit sleep on my holidays.

Snoring is so bad I can still hear it in spare bedroom WITH ear plugs in. But it's not a big deal apparently..just me being a "light sleeper"

I love the way it’s never their fault. Always the person complaining 🙄good for you. Makes a huge difference to just stand up to it and have a decent nights sleep. Snoring people can be so selfish.

I would make the spare room your own, nice bedside light, cosy covers etc.
Why should you go without sleep because he's noisy and selfish.
I suspect he is concerned that your sex life might dwindle - but I would guess you will feel much keener if you know you have a long, seamless night's sleep afterwards.

He can’t ‘insist’ that you do anything. You’re an adult and allowed to make decisions about things which affect you.

@Winterwondering22 exactly and the longer you get better sleep and you realise the difference it makes to your energy to feel angry at all the years spent hoping they would do something and you put up with it every night.

Society thinks it's taboo and it makes a marriage, but sleeping together historically was not the done thing. Couples for centuries slept apart and only shared a bed for reproductive reasons. Only peasants slept in the same bed because they couldn't afford it!

It's drummed into us it's important but sleep is more important at the end of the day. I'll never give up my little bedroom I love it!