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Original poster

My mum told me I am ungrateful and I have forgotten where I came from (Africa mum)

43 replies

MrO · 04/02/2023 23:32

i grew up with my grandma till I was about 15 when I first met my mother and in her own words she was disappointed with the way I was when she first met me - which in turn made her treat me very harshly

I can’t honestly say that, there was nothing wrong me - my grandma did a very good job with me.. at my age. I can cook, clean, had good morals and i was never rude to anyone - everyone that knew me will tell you I was a good boy
i never knew my mum growing up and
I had this fantasy in my head what it would be like when I meet her ( like we will be running towards each other in slow motion and she will hug me and tell me how much she loves and misses me) but this was just only a fantasy because when I actually met her it felt like she couldn’t stand me- like my presence made her angry and every time I was around her she will shout at me or talks down to me - I lived with her till was 21 and I tell you.. it was the most challenging time of my life, things was very bad, I just couldn’t wait to move out - God being so good when I left university I was able to buy my home and I moved out. My relationship with my mother got a bit better and I honestly felt it only got better because I was not in her space - but i also felt that, the disappointment she had was till still there- because of how she will talk to me or how she quickly she will get angry at me but through all of this I never spoke back or was never rude to her, every-time she will need me I will be there or anytime she will need my help I will be there to help. Fast forward to now I am 37 and married with a child but the way she treats me and talks down to me has not Change, and it doesn’t ever matter who is around she will still talk down to me same way even in front of my wife

i remember when I met my wife and I decided to get married I told her all my plans this was in November 2019 and i was making plans to get married in august 2020 come January 2020 she told me she has booked tickets to go on holidays and he won’t be here for the wedding - this was hard but luckily it was covid and she wasn’t allowed to travel so she was here for the wedding so we had a baby and I decided to honour her by naming the baby after her and my wife - she told me she can’t accept the fact that I have named baby after her and my wife so I should remove my wife name -
but once a name is registered you can’t change or remove name and I did explain this to her but she was unhappy and she felt offended that have done that ( name the baby after my wife and her) so she decided she didn’t want anything to do with the baby
to the point that she refused to attend the baby’s christening- she told me point blank that she doesn’t want to there! Because
a christening with christen the name - I was very hurt and I can forgive all of what I went through but when it came to my baby the hurting was different to the post I decided to stay way from her. I think in all I was hurting especially the fact that she has made no effort with my baby - that really upsets me

She called me and wife over to talk about things and it got heated because i had so much anger and I did try to tell her how I feel and I did tell her that going forward I will not let her treat me like that anymore - this is when she told me I was ungrateful and I was rude and I should not call her mum again and never speak to her again

My question is this relationship worth saving for my baby sake?

OP posts:
Uninterestedfamily · 04/02/2023 23:52

No. For all your sakes, forget this woman. She doesn't even deserve the title of mother.

I hope your Grandma is still in your life. She is the one to focus on.

All the best.

Rollingaroundinmud · 04/02/2023 23:56

Short answer no she will do the same to your child please leave her alone. All you want is your mothers love and respect she will never give it to you she doesn’t like herself. You have a wonderful wife and child put your love and attention into them. Your mother is toxic keep your child away from her.

TheShellBeach · 05/02/2023 00:05

She sounds very selfish and unkind.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 05/02/2023 00:11

Gosh! She’s not a very nice human. Luckily your gm did an amazing job with you. You can pick and choose who you want in your life and I’d recommend cutting contact with your ‘mother’ she certainly hasn’t earns that title.

Poppyblush · 05/02/2023 07:31

No, sorry but they don’t care about you , and change your baby’s name. Why name your own after a nasty person?!

Bellalalala · 05/02/2023 07:34

What do you mean for your baby’s sake?

What will your baby get out of being around someone so awful?

Gawpygertie · 05/02/2023 07:34

Put your wife and dc first in everything.
They are your family now.

Zanatdy · 05/02/2023 07:40

I wouldn’t spend another day, or even hour, trying to resolve things with this woman. I’m sorry, you absolutely don’t deserve this. How dare she complain about the name when you’ve given her the honour of naming your child after her, when she really doesn’t deserve it.

Justcallmebebes · 05/02/2023 07:41

You sound lovely and you have your own family now. You owe your birth "mother" nothing. Cut her loose, she's toxic and quite frankly, doesn't deserve you.

Is your gran still alive?

FenghuangHoyan · 05/02/2023 07:49

Nope. Take your mum's last words to heart and never speak to her again. Also, change the baby's name as she was so insistent you do and remove your mother's name.

This is your life not hers and if you let her be part of it, she'll ruin it. Having a grandmother is far far less important than having happy parents.

fatherfintanstack · 05/02/2023 07:56

No, she was abusive when you were a 15 year old child and she is abusive now. Don't bother trying to salvage something from this, she isn't going to change. Let her take her awful attitude elsewhere. Your child is going to get more from having a happy dad.

Parents are not owed endless chances to behave like decent human beings just because, what, they had sex and produced a baby? Have a medal.

I don't know what age your mum is now but my grandma was quite an unpleasant woman, pushed everyone away except my dad, who kept trying to visit regularly and help her. In her old age he was the only one she had left (the others either lived miles away or had been pushed away by her carping and negativity) so felt duty bound to do all sorts for her. He still I think wanted her approval. It took a lot out of him mentally and he wasn't the easiest to be around for us as kids. Don't let that be you.

Your mother is narcissistic (as in her character, not an uninformed diagnosis of a personality disorder) and spends her life looking for trouble. Most grandmas would be thrilled to be honoured in a new baby's name, not push for more and more and make it a bad thing. Choose to remove yourself from this and live a happy life. She will be fine by herself.

pigpinkstockings · 05/02/2023 07:57

No. You will all be far happier without her.

Saturdaynoon · 05/02/2023 07:59

No. She is abusive and you don't owe her a thing.

GoldenGorilla · 05/02/2023 08:00

Listen, I don’t know all the cultural baggage, but I do know toxic parents and she is definitely one of them. She may have different expectations if she’s lived in a very different culture to you for most of your lives, but a good parent (or even a nice person) could put that aside and be more supportive and welcoming to you.

It’s very common for children to put up with a lot from their parents, but once you have a baby of your own to protect you start to seriously question whether this woman should be in your life.

Its nice for kids to have relationships with their grandparents, but not if their grandparents are nasty to them and their parents or are unreliable.

We cut off my father in law once we had our own kids as we realised we just won’t let him be involved in their lives. It was difficult but totally worth it.

Theres a good book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward which I really recommend to help you move on.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 05/02/2023 08:04

Sadly nothing of her behaviour has created a relationship where warm loving relations can flourish. It is so sad, but this is what she has created everyone she chose harsh judgement over love.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 05/02/2023 08:05

Every time

rainbpwcupboards · 05/02/2023 08:05

My mum has a mum like yours. Best thing my mum ever did for me was make sure that woman had no role in my life. Sadly mum still sees her, mum is 68 now, her mum is no kinder now then the day they met when mum was 13

Cut your mother out, for your children

millerpie · 05/02/2023 08:07

You don’t have a relationship to save, your mother has made that very clear. Focus on your wife and child and be happy.

MintJulia · 05/02/2023 08:21

No, she is abusive and all you will do by remaining in contact, is give her the chance to abuse your wife and child.

There is nothing to save. Cut all contact. Sorry 🙁

Calling · 05/02/2023 08:28

Your grandmother is wonderful.

Tellmeimcrazy · 05/02/2023 08:30

If this is real - NO. She is a bitch. Forget her

Maze76 · 05/02/2023 08:56

No, cut her off- that’s not how a mother behaves. move on and create a wonderful life for you and your family.

Mumsanetta · 05/02/2023 09:06

I’m also African and understand the cultural context of your post. The answer to your question is still a hard no. Cut contact with this woman as she is doing the utmost to ruin your life. Her reasons for this - possibly to do with guilt for leaving you as a baby - are not your concern but your child is and needs protecting from her.

Allytheapple · 05/02/2023 09:12

Your mother sounds like she is a very narcissistic person. Really narcissism (not the personality disorder but rather the personality trait) is another name for extreme self focus and overwhelming emotional immaturity and your mother clearly has both.

category12 · 05/02/2023 09:29

No, it doesn't sound like it's worth trying to have a relationship with her for your child's sake. If anything it'll be better for your child not to have her in their life, if her treatment of you is any guide.