My mum told me I am ungrateful and I have forgotten where I came from (Africa mum)

[MrO]

i grew up with my grandma till I was about 15 when I first met my mother and in her own words she was disappointed with the way I was when she first met me - which in turn made her treat me very harshly

I can’t honestly say that, there was nothing wrong me - my grandma did a very good job with me.. at my age. I can cook, clean, had good morals and i was never rude to anyone - everyone that knew me will tell you I was a good boy
i never knew my mum growing up and
I had this fantasy in my head what it would be like when I meet her ( like we will be running towards each other in slow motion and she will hug me and tell me how much she loves and misses me) but this was just only a fantasy because when I actually met her it felt like she couldn’t stand me- like my presence made her angry and every time I was around her she will shout at me or talks down to me - I lived with her till was 21 and I tell you.. it was the most challenging time of my life, things was very bad, I just couldn’t wait to move out - God being so good when I left university I was able to buy my home and I moved out. My relationship with my mother got a bit better and I honestly felt it only got better because I was not in her space - but i also felt that, the disappointment she had was till still there- because of how she will talk to me or how she quickly she will get angry at me but through all of this I never spoke back or was never rude to her, every-time she will need me I will be there or anytime she will need my help I will be there to help. Fast forward to now I am 37 and married with a child but the way she treats me and talks down to me has not Change, and it doesn’t ever matter who is around she will still talk down to me same way even in front of my wife

i remember when I met my wife and I decided to get married I told her all my plans this was in November 2019 and i was making plans to get married in august 2020 come January 2020 she told me she has booked tickets to go on holidays and he won’t be here for the wedding - this was hard but luckily it was covid and she wasn’t allowed to travel so she was here for the wedding so we had a baby and I decided to honour her by naming the baby after her and my wife - she told me she can’t accept the fact that I have named baby after her and my wife so I should remove my wife name -
but once a name is registered you can’t change or remove name and I did explain this to her but she was unhappy and she felt offended that have done that ( name the baby after my wife and her) so she decided she didn’t want anything to do with the baby
to the point that she refused to attend the baby’s christening- she told me point blank that she doesn’t want to there! Because
a christening with christen the name - I was very hurt and I can forgive all of what I went through but when it came to my baby the hurting was different to the post I decided to stay way from her. I think in all I was hurting especially the fact that she has made no effort with my baby - that really upsets me

She called me and wife over to talk about things and it got heated because i had so much anger and I did try to tell her how I feel and I did tell her that going forward I will not let her treat me like that anymore - this is when she told me I was ungrateful and I was rude and I should not call her mum again and never speak to her again

My question is this relationship worth saving for my baby sake?

Definitely no. This is not someone you want in your life. She clearly dislikes you. Perhaps she disliked your father and you remind her too much of him? Whatever the reason for her unkindness you will never get the validation you need from this woman because she just doesn't have the love for you that you want. She will always be a damaging influence in your life. I would be the one telling her I never wanted to speak to her again.

Yes, sounds like guilt to me. She left you as a baby so must justify that you are bad otherwise she has to admit what she did was wrong.

Sounds like you've bent over backwards to try to earn her love. For your own sake, and for your wife and especially your child, you need to stop now. Direct your love to them, where it is deserved and where it will be reciprocated.

Your mother is abusive, sometimes it's hard to see that when it's coming your way (believing we deserve to be treated badly) but do recognise that your wife and child deserve better.

Good luck.

She has a problem with herself which she takes out you
Maybe she’s mentally ill. Ignore her until she reaches out to you which may never happen, but that way you are happier anyway.
Focus on your child and you don’t need a relationship with her at all Forge better relationships with other friends and family

when she is old and unwell, she will soon regret her actions

Had an African mum like yours.
I always thought I was not good enough, I had problems etc because other African mums I saw and heard about were the typical caring, nurturing, supportive, would-walk-over-redhotcoals-for-you type of African mums.
Your post resonates with me. I understand the cultural element to it.
Cut her off completely. Don't look back.
Seriously.
She's not going to change. You can't reason with her. You need to keep your child away from her. You need to keep your wife away too if you want a long happy marriage.

My absolute sympathy for your situation. You post shows how much you yearn for your Mother to change her character and be included in your life.
It sounds that it would be impossible for her to change.
I agree with others that for what ever reason she is a totally toxic human being.
Please don’t let her poison your life now and that of your family.
let her go.

It's perfectly legal to change a baby's name.

I suggest you do so immediately - to your wife's and that of the woman who was your mother in everything she did. Your grandmother's.

www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll/change-a-childs-name

www.gov.uk/government/publications/change-your-childs-name-forms-loc022-loc023-loc024-and-loc026

Yeah. Stop trying to please your mother. She is a nasty piece of work.

Cut her out. Love your wife, child and grandmother and stop communicating with this horrible narcissist

No she passed

I'd only change it to remove your mother's name

I agree with everything you said here.. and this is what I was thinking, if anything she will put her feeling aside and be there to support especially my daughter being her first granddaughters

I think in the African culture you respect your elders if Im right, but this woman dos not deserve any respect at all. She has done nothing but put you down. For you and your familys sake dont have anymore to do with this nasty selfish woman.

I say this as an African Brit - the woman that you call your mother has done nothing for you except trash your self esteem and abuse you and your wife. As a husband and father your first priority is to protect your wife and daughter. Your mother has had a chance to build a loving relationship with you, and she has made no attempts to. She will not suddenly become a good and loving grandmother when she has shown you who she is your whole life. Her behaviour will never change so de-prioritize her- I would go as far as cutting off contact completely so she cannot pass on the abuse to your wife and daughter.

Also, change the baby's name unless you like your daughter's name in its own right and not just because you wanted to honour your mother.

Yes, sounds like guilt to me. She left you as a baby so must justify that you are bad otherwise she has to admit what she did was wrong.

I was thinking this, or resentment if she feels the son was taken from her. Was it her free choice to have your grandmother raise you or was she pressured?

Regardless of any of that, you aren't obligated to put up with this abusiveness. She needs therapy.

It's not you.. its her..

Why would you allow your child to feel 2nd best?

It is possibly very painful for her to see her granddaughter being raised by her parents (as they should be) when she didn't do that with her own child.

I wouldn't be surprised if all this nastiness is a messed up way of making you prove that you love her.

I would love to know how much choice she had in the decision for your grandmother to raise you. I cannot imagine anything worse than my child being removed from my care.

From what I understand, it was her decision for my grandmother to looK after as she was not in the position to look after me - and as I said my grandmother did a good job, it wasn’t easy to post this on here and I kept blaming myself as in if I never said anything to her, non of these will happen, but it’s so unfortunate that everybody it’s saying the same thing

You owe her nothing, she wasn't there for you as a child. She's barely treated you well.
You do a lovely thing by using her name and even then she's not happy.
I think you should go low contact with her. When ready no contact.
She has toxic traits that you don't want passing on to a child.
How dare she be disappointed in how you turned out and how your grandmother raised you. She chose not to raise you so she lost all right to have a say.

Your job is to look at your child and promise you will never be the kind of parent your mum is. Break the cycle.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your gran.