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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can I help him understand the damage he did?

48 replies

Christinatherabbit · 04/02/2023 23:15

I have made a decision to stay with my husband after I made the horrifc discovery summer last year he was cheating.

It's quite complicated and not straight forward in terms of affairs and other women. His lifestyle due to substance abuse spiralled out of control
and his self destruction led to me finding myself here.

He is in now in recovery and is 6 months totally clean and healthy.

He has not just made an effort but totally changed his whole life around and at this moment in time is fully commited to his recovery and rebuilding his family.

I am not nieve and appreciate i am taking a risk here but with 4 children feel its a risk worth taking.

I already had a history of substance abuse myself before him
due to childhood sexual trauma that then led me into several damaging relationships with mostly older men that were extremely abusive, mostly sexually. He continued that cycle of abuse and I let it happen.

My husband is in therapy for his own issues and doing really well. I am not in a place yet mentally to attend couples therapy or even seek help myself for various reasons (therapy is something I had for years on and off as a child and teenager..but it's been at least 15 years since I actively had help personally)

He is currently throwing himself into reading books and listening to podcasts focused on him as the addict. Apologies if this is the wrong place but does anyone have any recommendations for partners of sexual abuse or similar that would be helpful in our situation because I struggle to articulate what I have been through and what he put me through to help him understand.

His cheating and betrayal probably damaged me more than anything because the other stuff I had learned to cope with. That was something nothing could have prepared me for and the shock totally destroyed me.

I hope this makes sense? It's a long complex story so to sum it up is hard.

If you made it this far thank you.

OP posts:

sweetsuzie · 04/02/2023 23:22

It takes about two years to get over it but when it does happen you can have a wonderful marriage still.

SuperHandss · 04/02/2023 23:22

He has not just made an effort but totally changed his whole life around and at this moment in time is fully commited to his recovery and rebuilding his family.

Sorry Op, I’m missing something. What else do you need him to do?

PeacefulPottering · 04/02/2023 23:23

I'm really sorry he cheated. But he seems to be saying he was an addict so okay. That leaves you in no man's land. You can't feel your own feelings because. You can be angry, you have a right to feel bloody angry.

quietnightmare · 04/02/2023 23:25

Looks like he's swooped cheating and drugs for a new addiction .... working on himself, make sure h doesn't forgot about you in this process unless you feel you can move in from what he did and in that case run like hell

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/02/2023 23:29

I hear you

its all HIM HIM isn’t it
I have no idea how you get this across to him
but the fact he doesn’t even realise is concerning , fucking terrible actually

honestly , I’d get therapy myself - a kick ass one and decide what you want your life to be like

Opentooffers · 04/02/2023 23:30

Are you saying that apart from being a substance abuser and womaniser, your DH sexually abused you?
I think you are blaming the drugs for it all and are expecting him to turn into a model husband once he has kicked the habit and had counselling. This won't happen. There's a reason why there is a sexual offenders register - there's a high chance of repeat offending regardless. It takes a certain kind of person to be a sexual abuser.
There comes a point where - "the drugs made me do it" doesn't wash anymore. There's also a point where exactly because you have many DC, it's better to leave to protect them from the abuse.
That you stay says more about your past and what you'll put up with - virtually anything? It shows you need counselling, otherwise you'd see that he is all sorts of wrong for anyone. If love means giving abuse to you, you have big problems.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/02/2023 23:32

Was his childhood trauma as bad as yours
has he ever shown remorse ?

GreenBiscuitr · 04/02/2023 23:33

He'll never understand the damage, he can never feel your feelings.

nc1013 · 04/02/2023 23:36

SuperHandss · 04/02/2023 23:22

He has not just made an effort but totally changed his whole life around and at this moment in time is fully commited to his recovery and rebuilding his family.

Sorry Op, I’m missing something. What else do you need him to do?

The way I'm understand this is that he cheated but he's also sexually abused her during their relationship?
If so, she's quite rightly wanting him to take accountability for what he's done and understand the impact it has had.
It would take more of 6 months if sobriety and some self help for me to forgive him that

larchforest · 04/02/2023 23:58

This is a tough one, but at the moment maybe he is focusing all his energies on getting well himself and recovering. He probably isn't yet in the position or even capable of dealing with anything else, however much you need that to happen.

In the meantime, perhaps you could benefit from some counselling yourself, both in dealing with your own past trauma and more recently, and with coping in general with him as a recovering addict. I know you say you don't feel able to do that, but you both need support at the moment, and aren't really able to support each other.

Ghostbuster2639 · 05/02/2023 00:43

I’m really sorry this has happened to you.

I mean this kindly, but if your partner needs a third party (a book) to help him understand the harm he’s done to you the situation is utterly hopeless. Unless he has a significant disability he sadly does understand. The issue is that he did not care and is spending this time focusing on himself instead of comforting you.

Like many betrayed spouses it sounds like you need him to understand and help you heal. You might be feeling that if you could just make him understand ,he could comfort you and help you. I’m sorry to say that this is unlikely and that you’re on your own. The person who hurt you cannot heal you. It’s not fair and it’s not right, but there will be nothing but more pain if your healing is dependant on him “getting it”.

Focus on yourself and your own healing. Buy books for yourself that are going to help you. You don’t need him to get it. He is irrelevant to your healing.

Original poster

Christinatherabbit · 05/02/2023 01:33

sweetsuzie · 04/02/2023 23:22

It takes about two years to get over it but when it does happen you can have a wonderful marriage still.

Thank you for giving this perspective. I am in RL so strong and capable and independent and writing what I have has been so hard because I appreciate how bad it looks (and is!) but it's really not black and white. I make NO excuses for him. Neither does he. He really couldn't be more wonderful in so so many ways but the damage he did to us both I can't excuse and I actually feel ashamed to be asking advice from other women to save us given the facts I have laid out here. I genuinely feel its worth fighting for. I could write a book about my reasons why

OP posts:

Original poster

Christinatherabbit · 05/02/2023 01:49

SuperHandss · 04/02/2023 23:22

He has not just made an effort but totally changed his whole life around and at this moment in time is fully commited to his recovery and rebuilding his family.

Sorry Op, I’m missing something. What else do you need him to do?

That's a good question and one I am hoping to make more sense of by asking for advise here. Its not as simple as him just being sorry and wanting to put things right.
. He is no longer currently using the substances he was. He is trying to put things right in terms of the debt he put us in, the fall outs with family, friends, and although I can't express enough how proud I am of him for what he's been able to overcome I am left almost traumatised from the last 13 years. Now I have the pressure of trying to hold everything together totally alone off my shoulders I am starting realising just how deep the damage has been to myself. I have never seen myself as a victim before now. All his recovery is based around HIM and I don't know how to explain to him how I am feeling and I don't think he truly realises because I can't articulate it properly right now

OP posts:

TicketBoo23 · 05/02/2023 02:07

Does addiction make people into sexual abusers and cheaters??

Funny how I don't know many female addicts who are sexual abusers.

My addict sister used to cheat when unhappy in relationships, but now she's happy in one she doesn't, he's the centre of her world (well, him and alcohol).

TicketBoo23 · 05/02/2023 02:08

I think the poster who said everything is being blamed on his addictions but that's probably not the case at all ... Is correct.

TicketBoo23 · 05/02/2023 02:09

All his recovery is based around HIM and I don't know how to explain to him how I am feeling and I don't think he truly realises because I can't articulate it properly right now

He doesn't realise because he's selfish with severity lacking empathy.

That would be behind the sexual abuse and cheating too.

TicketBoo23 · 05/02/2023 02:12

He continued that cycle of abuse and I let it happen.

You have no culpability there.

He does though.

Eyerollcentral · 05/02/2023 02:14

Christinatherabbit · 05/02/2023 01:49

Show quote history

Sounds like it’s all about him. Tbh people I have known in early recovery have been quite selfish because they have to be focused on themselves to adequately address their addiction. That’s hard to live with and I feel for you so much OP. You are still in an abusive relationship. Have you considered a group like Al Anon? They support those with partners and family members who are in recovery or still active addicts. Please try to start putting yourself near the top of your own list
al-anonuk.org.uk/

Whydidimarryhim · 05/02/2023 06:09

I would strongly suggest you look up Adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunctional families. You can attend zoom meetings online - it’s a 12 step group - these groups have helped me enormously - you can also listen to Russell brand on utube - you go listen to Tuesday Toolbox - you actually need to focus on YOU - I wish you well.

Bellalalala · 05/02/2023 06:30

Op on the one hand you are praising him for undoing all the bad things he did. Which means he is taking responsibility for the things he did and the impact on others.

On the other hand you say it’s all about him. So, I suspect you feel he is doing all these things so he can express how wonderful he is at overcoming addiction and undoing the harm. Not because he knows he needs to and regrets it, but because it puts him back in the ‘I am a good guy’ role.

Exh went to therapy after a few years of extreme emotional abuse. He would tell anyone and everyone how he was working on himself to be a better husband for me. Fact was he knew the low level abuse he had been doing for years had escalated. I woke up to the lower level stuff. He would start an argument every time I went out (as an example) so I stopped going out. I genuinely thought it was my decision and that I didn’t like going out. The. I realised I didn’t like going out because I knew I would come home to an argument and days of sulking. That’s what put me off. When I started going again, he stepped up the abuse. It became really obvious emotional abuse. Abuse he couldn’t explain away while maintaining he was a ‘good guy’.

The therapy actually made him worse. Because he consistently told the therapist a version that made him appear like a good man who had trouble communicating, with a wife who liked to see him hurting. It strengthened his belief that he was a good man and the way he was, wasn’t his fault. It was everyone else’s.

This man abused you. Then cheated on you. And yet you feel you need to ‘help him’ realised the damaged he caused you, personally. If he was now so amazing and putting all this effort in and completely changed, he would know the damage his abuse and cheating did to you. You wouldn’t need to help him at all.

I actually suspect, he isn’t working that hard at repairing the damage he did. I think he is doing the bare minimum and wants lots of praise for it. You are so used to living with him doing less than the bare minimum, that you think this is great. You feel you need sing his praises and treat him like a hero, for doing what the bare minimum is. Because if you don’t you won’t be seen as the supportive wife of a good man. You feel it will be blamed on you if you leave now he is clean.

It can take a long time to recover from abuse and cheating. That’s why some people stay together but split a couple of years later. Because the panic of the situation makes you stick together. But when the damaged party finally starts coming out of the fog, they realise they can’t actually move past it. I think that’s where you will find yourself.

Concentrate on healing yourself. You can’t rely on him to ‘help’ you do that. You need to do it and the. Take stock.

Outtasteamandluck · 05/02/2023 06:50

You don't. While you're making him see the error of his ways, you're wasting your life.

You need a man not a child. One that is present, mature and able to provide. One that can give not take.

It's brilliant he's finally helping himself but there's only so much you can and should do. Sounds like you've done your bit. The rest is on him.

Polarbearyfairy · 05/02/2023 07:01

You're wasting your time I'm afraid. I agree with the PPs who have said it's all about him.

My brother is a recovering addict, several years' sober. I barely talk to him. The reason for this is that he 100% focusses on himself, how hard done by he's been in his life etc etc look how great I've done recovering spotlight on me everyone. Yes he's done great however he will never, ever admit that he caused damage and chaos to the lives of everyone around him for years and that has left us all with scars. Personally I chose to cut him out of my life rather than beat myself up trying to convince myself I should minimise my own experiences.

lowclouds · 05/02/2023 07:03

This sounds like a man who has gone through years of trauma and substance misuse (yes he does have trauma as well from that even though he was of course at fault).

It sounds like he is now in his first period of recovery in a very long time (if ever) - OP, has it ever been better with him than it is right now?

If it's better than it's ever been then hoping for even more seems like a stretch.

This might be the peak of it, OP. You might have to decide if you can accept him as he is. As a recovering addict he might simply not have the capacity to do what you are asking him to in terms of focussing on you and the family.

You need to decide if that's a life you are prepared to accept.

lowclouds · 05/02/2023 07:07

I am not nieve and appreciate i am taking a risk here but with 4 children feel its a risk worth taking.

You know your life OP and you make your own decisions.

However I would throw it out there - with 4 children is it a risk you can afford? What if he regresses? Can they stand that, can you as a family?

Mydogatemypurse · 05/02/2023 07:07

Why do you need him to understand and verbalise this to you. You know already how much he broke you and destroyed what you had. You dont need his confirmation, you already know.

Him validating the trauma he caused you wont take it away.

He does understand and in my experience he will do it again.
Im so sorry for how you must be feeling but honestly i think there is only one future ahead for you both together, and it wont be a happy one.

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