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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can I help him understand the damage he did?

48 replies

Christinatherabbit · 04/02/2023 23:15

I have made a decision to stay with my husband after I made the horrifc discovery summer last year he was cheating.

It's quite complicated and not straight forward in terms of affairs and other women. His lifestyle due to substance abuse spiralled out of control
and his self destruction led to me finding myself here.

He is in now in recovery and is 6 months totally clean and healthy.

He has not just made an effort but totally changed his whole life around and at this moment in time is fully commited to his recovery and rebuilding his family.

I am not nieve and appreciate i am taking a risk here but with 4 children feel its a risk worth taking.

I already had a history of substance abuse myself before him
due to childhood sexual trauma that then led me into several damaging relationships with mostly older men that were extremely abusive, mostly sexually. He continued that cycle of abuse and I let it happen.

My husband is in therapy for his own issues and doing really well. I am not in a place yet mentally to attend couples therapy or even seek help myself for various reasons (therapy is something I had for years on and off as a child and teenager..but it's been at least 15 years since I actively had help personally)

He is currently throwing himself into reading books and listening to podcasts focused on him as the addict. Apologies if this is the wrong place but does anyone have any recommendations for partners of sexual abuse or similar that would be helpful in our situation because I struggle to articulate what I have been through and what he put me through to help him understand.

His cheating and betrayal probably damaged me more than anything because the other stuff I had learned to cope with. That was something nothing could have prepared me for and the shock totally destroyed me.

I hope this makes sense? It's a long complex story so to sum it up is hard.

If you made it this far thank you.

OP posts:

sorcerersapprentice · 05/02/2023 07:19

sweetsuzie · 04/02/2023 23:22

It takes about two years to get over it but when it does happen you can have a wonderful marriage still.

I echo this. I've found it takes about two years too to get over a big emotional hurt or shock. Don't know why it is that time period!
Until then your mind races, then hopefully you'll find peace and acceptance
It sounds like he has really tried and very committed to his new sober life

BishyBarnyBee · 05/02/2023 07:20

Giving up alcohol or drugs is a huge adjustment for any addict, and yes, they do become extremely self centred for a long time. And many do relapse.

However, he does sound very committed and I'd say you do have a chance as a family.

Lots of addicts behave appallingly, despise themselves, and carry on with the appalling behaviour in a self destructive spiral that brings everyone else down with them. That 100% applies to women as much as men.

I'd say you need some support outside the relationship, and you need to let him know this is hard for you too. You could try Al-anon which will be full of people who have suffered at the hands of their alcoholic friends and family and are supporting each other to recover from the damage.

It is possible for families to recover from this and I really hope you make it as a team.

Forgotthebins · 05/02/2023 07:34

OP are you saying he abused you? You say this at one point but it is hard to pick out. I don’t think people would be giving you some of the advice they have if he abused you.

RandomMess · 05/02/2023 07:35

Honestly your trauma is very real.

You need to work on you. You need therapy. You need support. You need to find yourself and work out what you want and need.

Mylaferret · 05/02/2023 07:38

In what ways is he wonderful?

He's a sexual abuser, a cheat and an addict. He's getting you tying yourself up in knots trying to excuse the awful things he's done to you by blaming it on his addiction. He's not interested in the effect his actions have had on you.

Id really really love to know what's so wonderful about him. And please don't say he works hard, looks after the kids, does some housework - those things are the bare minimum that any man should be doing.

Gawpygertie · 05/02/2023 07:42

Your dp is basing his recovery on helping himself but not acknowledging your feelings and the way he has treated you in the past.
This is why you feel upset?

I think that you will find now you have space to breathe after all your past abuse you are seeing him for what he was and perhaps still is.
Can you come to terms living with a (former) addict and abuser who is currently practising self care but doesn’t take any responsibility for the damage he has done to your health?

BlastedPimples · 05/02/2023 08:00

He will never get it. Ever. It's always going to be about him.

And if it isn't about him, it'll always be about how others made him behave the way he did.

Can you live with that? Miserable.

LunaTheCat · 05/02/2023 08:02

I am sorry that you are going through this.
I agree you need to put some energy into YOU - into healing yourself. Consider some counselling for yourself - it will help.
if he is attending AA or NA there should be a lot of emphasis on making amends to people he has harmed…most definately you and the children.
Can you talk to him about how you feel?

Fairislefandango · 05/02/2023 08:16

Even if he sticks to giving up the substance abuse long-term (and that's a big if), that doesn't necessarily mean that everything else would change. I have no idea how you could possibly move past the fact that this man has sexually abused you, whatever excuses he thinks there were for his behaviour.

I guess forgiving a brief instance of abusive behaviour due to current trauma might be possible, but it sounds as though your whole relationship was founded on sexual abuse, substance abuse and trauma from the start. Starting afresh after that sounds totally unrealistic to me.

perfectcolourfound · 05/02/2023 08:33

If you have to explain to him that abusing you was damaging to you, he's a lost cause I'm afraid.

Whatislove82 · 05/02/2023 08:34

How long have you been with him OP? Are the 4 children his?

EverybodyAgrees · 05/02/2023 08:39

A lot of responses are from people who clearly haven't picked up that he has been sexually abusive. They have just read that he's an addict who has been unfaithful and is now in recovery. People might advise you to stick with a recovering addict, or forgive and move on from an affair but no one would tell you to stay with a rapist for the sake of the children. That changes everything, and a podcast isn't going to transform him from that.

TenTenEleven · 05/02/2023 09:07

He's focusing on healing himself and you seem to be saying you want him to heal you too.

If you want to start to heal from his treatment of you then you really need your own therapy.

But I suspect one of the reasons you're resistant to it is that subconsciously you know that once you open that can of worms you'll come to realise that you can't stay with him.

All we can ever do is take responsibility for ourselves. If you want to stay with him, take responsibility for that decision and work out a way you can live with your decision.

If you're not happy in the relationship despite the fact that he's dedicated to recovery, then decide what you're going to to about it.

tribpot · 05/02/2023 09:11

Has he participated in any kind of structured recovery programme? I would have expected this to have provided an opportunity for those affected by his actions to talk about the impact on them. If not, I'd suggest maybe a drugs counsellor who could facilitate a family session, and certainly therapy for yourself (alone) as well.

It's very common to see on threads started by spouses of addicts here on MN that every post is entirely about the addict; it becomes very difficult for the spouse to think about themselves because the addiction has been so all-encompassing and all their energy has gone on managing it - the effects of it, maybe trying to manage the addict's access to their drug, all of it. If you google support for families of addicts you will probably see some options - there's a good page I would like to link to but the link gets my post automatically blocked by MN (because it ends in org dot uk).

I do not think you should have to forgive sexual abuse just because the addict has been sober for six months, or abstained from cheating on you again. He has committed a crime. From the title of your thread, my feeling is that he does not acknowledge the extent of what he has done?

category12 · 05/02/2023 09:18

TenTenEleven · 05/02/2023 09:07

He's focusing on healing himself and you seem to be saying you want him to heal you too.

If you want to start to heal from his treatment of you then you really need your own therapy.

But I suspect one of the reasons you're resistant to it is that subconsciously you know that once you open that can of worms you'll come to realise that you can't stay with him.

All we can ever do is take responsibility for ourselves. If you want to stay with him, take responsibility for that decision and work out a way you can live with your decision.

If you're not happy in the relationship despite the fact that he's dedicated to recovery, then decide what you're going to to about it.

I think particularly the middle paragraph above is spot on.

Op, you need to stop focusing on what he wants/needs/thinks/feels and start taking care of you.

You're worth care too.

Choconut · 05/02/2023 09:59

I don't believe for one second you want him to heal you OP, what you want is for him to hear you and to understand what he has done to you. However that requires empathy OP - and seeing what he has put you through, despite knowing what you have already been through - I'd suggest that he is probably pretty low on empathy.

This sounds like someone with enormous issues to me OP. Do I believe he has suddenly and miraculously completely turned his life around and that he will continue to be this wonderful person from now until eternity? No, I don't. Far more likely this is all about him, he doesn't want to end up on his own, he doesn't want to look bad, I don't know what his motivation for wanting to appear a new man is - but I'd bet it's in no way based on remorse for what he has done to you as he doesn't even seem to understand what he has done.

In summary OP I think you are looking for something from someone who is not capable of it because they have little emotional intelligence. This is someone who is in survival mode, he is completely self absorbed, he is only thinking of what is good for him. And maybe that is how it needs to be for him to deal with all his issues - but if he was really a decent person he would not expect you to deal with him while he is dealing with all his issues. He would have said 'I need to go and deal with this myself while you also get all the help you need' or he would just have set you free because he would realise he has already put you through enough trauma. But no, he is only thinking about his wants and needs and he doesn't want to lose his security blanket - you.

Please don't listen to people on here who are trying to make you feel you are unreasonable for wanting to be heard and understood. You need to get help for yourself OP because this is not the right relationship for you and you need them to help you build up the strength to leave. I can't imagine the impact all this is having on your kids.

TenTenEleven · 05/02/2023 10:24

OP I understand that you feel you need him to hear and understand you. But that would mean he would have to face up to his awful treatment of you - which it sounds like he's still in denial about.

What would it be like to hear him admit to abusing you but that he's now sorry?

I suspect that once you know that he knows how much he's hurt you, no apology will be big enough to pull it back.

And he may never accept full responsibility. You don't need him to agree with you that he abused you. Your feelings are enough to act on.

I guess it comes down to whether you want to stay with someone who admits they abused you. Or stay with someone who can't admit they abused you.

category12 · 05/02/2023 10:42

He continued that cycle of abuse and I let it happen.

Honestly this bit is like a gut punch - you're taking on culpability for what he did to you. It's not right, love.

Whatislove82 · 05/02/2023 10:48

He really couldn't be more wonderful in so so many ways

oh op, he really really isn’t.

So… ok he might remember to buy you a present for your birthday, a Valentine’s Day card and take the bins out

but seriously - given what he has done, I promise you… he isn’t and hasn’t ever been wonderful

Whatislove82 · 05/02/2023 10:49

I can’t imagine all the drama and arguments and tension and upset that you, let alone your children, have endured over the years

EarthSight · 05/02/2023 11:00

I think what you might be finding out is that some hurt runs too deep to be erased. It will always be a never fully headed injury.

Your four children are a good reason why you are still together, but given your history of substance abuse and horrible childhood, I hope your feel like you don't have to stay to support him because of that.

WandaWonder · 05/02/2023 11:07

I can't think of anything other than saying if you agree to stay with him I think you will have to accept him for who he is, sure op you and everyone on here can say its not fair, you shouldnt have to put up with it, he is in the wrong

But ultimately whether you like it or its fair or not you either accept him as is or not

27penny · 05/02/2023 14:00

Congratulate him on his sobriety and go move on with your life. Far too much trauma in that for u to ever overcome and live a semi normal life as a family. See a psychotherapist who will help u see the wood from the trees

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