keeping a desperate-to-be-friends mum diplomatically at arm's length?

[Danae]

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Just be friendly but always mention first that you are busy, your dc is tired/needs routine, you have things to do, house is a tip (I often use that one) she'll get the message.

um, can you not just be nice when you see her and say thanks but no thanks to any invitations? Not sure why this is such an issue for you - you don't have to invite her in, surely?

I can't see that chatting on someone's doorstep is so very desperate - maybe she's just a friendly type ?

It;'s funny to read this when there are so many threads from people desperate to make friends and/or wondering whether to dare invite other parents for coffee.

What's wrong with her?

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Hi Danae

I've been there before and it's awkward I know.

I also find that some people are very thick-skinned and almost back you into a corner so that you have to be assertive - I'm sure they don't mean to - but equally I find it hard being assertive with other mums (despite the fact that I'm a confident woman)

I also know what you mean re having little enough time for the things you do enjoy - and for me that means the people I enjoy too...

All you can really do is consistently be "busy" and not instigate any chats. Maybe don't go to the toddler group for a couple of weeks so she's forced to latch on to somebody else?

Have re-read what I've written and I hope it doesn't sound too mean - I've just been there before myself (I'm my own worst enemy as I'm naturally a friendly, outgoing person - but I never expect to have people 'latch on' as they do)

You're right to put your own needs first. I do hope no one else thinks I'm a selfish cow!!!

Ask her to pick up the ciggarette butts from your lawn as you don't want your DD to pick them up. That would really bug me!

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So there is a lot more to it. You have no obligation to her. Do you find her conversation boring?

Well to strengthen your resolve I suppose you can remind yourself that there's no point encouraging her in any way as the friendship will go nowhere, and she will only get more knocked back. (Not saying you are encouraging her, but you seem to be justifying your decision a bit, and I don't think you need to.)

Being a mum seems to involve a wider range of possible friends, and if you know one is a non-starter it's pointless being more than vaguely polite.

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Hmm, re-reading that it probably makes me sound terrible, but I'm a big believer in instinct, and also hate having to extricate myself from situations where I've just gone along with things to be kind...

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just say 'gotta dash, see you next week' and walk off quick as you can or leave a little earlier to avoid her

I am probably repeating someone but I would just avoid that particular group for a few weeks or leave at a different time to normal or take a different route home, ie I must drop by the dry cleaners on the way home. She is probably just trying to make friends and is being a bit thick skinned but if you are not comfortable then thats it. I find this whole making friends thing as a mum a bit tricky.

I can totally understand as I find that the same thing happens to me - get caught up in these situations where just being a bit nice leads to being taken advantage of. You don't have to have a reason not to meet with her.

A school friend of ds' and his mum hinted a few times about doing something together after school and I really didn't want to so I said that we don't do stuff on school nights as ds gets very tired.

Just ignore any vibes you get about her wanting to meet up, and if she comes right out and suggests something have some excuses at the ready.

Just leave while she is distracted with something else and without saying good bye to her. I am sure she will get the hint from that! It is a difficult situation because we never want to hurt or upset people, but maybe if you start distancing yourself from her (if you can at the group) she will move on so to speak?!

You're being harsh. She might be really lonely and if you have nothing better to do than have a cup of tea and talk to birds you should invite her in.

I don't think you're being harsh. Its tricky but you are going to have to start distancing yourself a bit.. maybe miss a few weeks of the group..do something different for just a while, she may latch on to someone else by the time you go back. I know exactly that 'feeling' you describe..kind of creepy and uncomfortable.

dont feel guilty about wanting your me time...and she sounds a right nightmare actually
i would be polite, mix with others at group and unpredictable in leaving group
you know if you click with someone and if you dont you dont, tis life..

i thoroughly enjoy my time with ds and although do play dates and things its easier if everyone genuinely gets on to begin with..

and even when extremely lonely at first with ds as a baby spending time with numpties those you have nothing in commom with apart from a child never helped imho...

Hi Danae

I would say you are doing fine with the 'busy' line. You may also need to develop the 'got to go' line and the 'oh dd needs me' line. Just become Miss Elusive...and don't worry about her being upset. After all she follows you home, uninvited and chucks cigerette butts on your lawn, and offers unsolicited advice. Steel your will, you don't need this in your life, you have more important issues to deal with than another problem person demanding your attention like a small child. And the fact she is so thick skinned shows that you need to be that bit tougher. I think the time for being careful of her feelings is past. Don't be a cow to her, but certainly don't be too polite, afterall, she isn't being that careful of your feelings.

I STILL get people like this begging my attention, because of my past. I just act very distant and careful and watch people who are friendly like a hawk when they are around other people and watch their interactions then determine whether to go ahead and be friendly or not. If I choose not, I become that elusive person you can never pin down. A quick exit is always good I find

allyx

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the fag butts would piss me off to be honest. Agree with asking her to pick them up or not throw them. I'm very friendly but would avoid this one.

Danae- Sorry meant to reply to this y'day.

Sounds like your listening to your gut instincts. Which is good!

Im having boundary setting issues myself atm and foundthis
helpful.

But rest assured you have every right to protect your boundaries danae.
In terms of how to tacle it (what ally said was useful) You might want to be really brave and try pre-empting her efforts by saying

'By the way I wont be able to walk with you today because Im doing a b or c'.

Other than that just go for whatever feels comfortable. Treat it as training.

AND say no to the guilt!