Weight or not to wait?

[WineYardUserChâteauWhatever]

Apologies if this sounds self-indulgent in the grand scheme of things, just looking for some advice.

I’m late 30’s and mid-divorce having been in a sad loveless/ sexless marriage for the last 4 years.

I don’t want to give up on meeting someone but conscious my weight might be a problem in meeting someone. Have lost weight due to the stress of it all, so down to a festively plump size 18. Just in two minds about whether I wait to lose more before trying dating (presumably try OLD) and wonder if anyone had any experience of being in this position. I guess it’s a confidence thing but wondering about different experiences when you’re new to the scene/fish out of water. TIA x

I know others will disagree with me, but I'd wait. I'm in a similar position having gained 4 stone and gone up to a plump size 18, and given some of the comments I got when I was a 14 there is no way I would consider dating now. Even 4 stones ago, I was told to lose 2 stone and then I'd be perfect, another told me I was bigger than he expected when we met, I had a grown man feign illness and run from my bed in the early hours, I received many worried stares at my belly at the first date and so on. It was quite brutal then so I'm going to shift the weight before I even contemplate dating again! I suppose it depends how thick skinned you are but I've become interested in someone and was literally just kicking myself for getting so big about an hour before reading your post 😩

If it will make you feel more comfortable and confident, then I say yes, go for it.

Why can’t you do both simultaneously?

Go for dating if you are over your ex. If not, wait until you are. Weight is not a factor if you haven't moved on from your past relationship.

Id do both and let’s face it, you’re in your late 30s and overweight.

If you’re anything like me or a lot of other overweight people I know, you’ll probably always be prone to plumping up so surely better to be with someone who loves you as you are now?

In a similar situation as the same size and zero confidence. I'm not quite ready for OLD so I'm going to work on getting fitter and healthier and feeling more confident before I take the plunge.

I was in a rubbish marriage and my weight escalated..that was 20 years ago . I so wish that I had the confidence to walk away and I didn’t ..now at my age I am determined to feel confident and happy. Husband is actually a really lovely guy but there is zero love and romance 😞

I was in this exact position a few years ago. I decided to lose the weight first and had SO much more confidence when I started dating, I'm glad I did. It meant I didn't take any shit from anyone as I really rated myself! I met someone, settled down and have now put some of the weight back on but he doesn't care. I'm think it's more about feeling good about yourself before you get out there. Good luck!

I'm a size 22 and have dated at this size, as do many women. I'd start dating now, don't wait for a magic number on the scales before you start moving on with your life.

Use pics that don't hide your size, sgow your confidence in yourself.

Now in a relationship with someone i met on tinder

Personally, I think online dating is a terrible way to meet someone.

However, I became single in my late 30s. I lost weight before I started dating - not for the purpose of dating but as a bit of regaining control of my life. I went from a 16 to a 10/12. I looked good and I felt confident. I wasn't 'slim' and was still curvy and I didn't meet a single man online who didn't feel it was appropriate to comment negatively on my weight or my appearance or my body. Not a single one.

My friend, who is a size 18, has never received criticism on her appearance. Not once. She's never met anyone worth a relationship online, mind, but we've both since met decent men in real life.

It took me 10 years to meet someone I was prepared to give up being single for though.

Conclusion, I'd not bother losing weight before dating but don't be disheartened if you encounter shit men online.

@GreyCarpet ug! What Nasty arsehole men. Unbelievable! Maybe that’s the thing, to op, look after yourself, get healthier, feel better… and then look out for a connection in real life. I’m so old that I never did OLD so every partner was someone I met through college, friends, whatever. No trolls. Or as greycarpet says, if you do go on line, then be prepared for nastiness now and in any future when you might have lost weight.

On the weight front, live your life now. So I’d focus on health not weight loss, as such. Easier said than done, but don’t beat yourself up. Do stuff like actively avoiding sugar (or begin to cut down your sugar, if you currently eat loads, small steps) and stuff like actively choosing the healthier choice (eg porridge not crappy kiddy cereal). I say this as one who’s had eating disorders, which began via extreme dieting and calorie counting and constantly pushing myself to eat less and less to lose the weight. I felt completely awful, developed anorexia/bulimia, and lived zero life as a result! I feel women put themselves under so much pressure (for indeed these arsehole men!)

As a PP said, if you are over your ex then go for it - weight is not the issue. I’m a size 18 and did OLD for a wonderful year before I met my DP. This was 3 years after my divorce, by which time I’d been celibate for 10 years 😳. I honestly never received a single negative comment about my weight, and I chatted to and met (and shagged) lots of men. It’s about confidence, definitely. And possibly their fear! Somehow they knew that if they were so bad-mannered as to make negative personal comments, I’d hand their arse to them on a plate!

If you want to meet someone now, get a friend to take a lovely but honest photo of you. Be honest on your profile and see what happens. 😊

Genuine question then, where are we finding these men that will date a size 22 woman? 😳I've fought with my weight all my life and at the age of 50 I'd just like to find someone lovely without the pressure of looking like a supermodel! I never even got a second glance when I went over a size 16......

If you want to lose weight then do. In your shoes I would lose weight, and treat myself to some new clothes and hair style..

I found them on Tinder and FabSwingers - I was looking for sex, not a full-blown relationship, but DP (6 years younger) and I hit it off straightaway - not just sexually - and it developed. I was 56 at the time. Lots of men actively wanted older and plumper. The ones who didn’t just swiped left I guess? I certainly swiped left on skinny men, and on anyone who set a top age limit that was younger than them, or a maximum dress size of 10 or below. I felt these were unrealistic, entitled men who saw women as objects, not people.

Oh God I'd be too scared to try Fabswingers. Thanks though, I might look at Tinder but I wouldn't want anyone thinking I was just after a shag. Not my style.....

I'm vary in size between 14/16/18 and haven't had any of the issues described above on online dating sites but I'm really honest in my profile. I think if you are ready to date again then go for it!

Well, I am. But, and I do know what this sounds like, I have the most amazing face and hair and men expect the full package under the clothes. And then they see my saggy bits and stretch marks and I'm toast 🙄 aren't you self conscious walking in to a pub or wherever with a bloke and everyone is looking at you and thinking he could do better? 😪 it gets me every time ...

Tinder, but various other dating sites too, and even in the wild. Lots of men prefer fuller figured women, and I apparently come across as confident in my body (I'm not really 😂)

I was 51 and a size 22 when I met my DP OLD 2 years ago. He's 48 and gorgeous and proposed to me a couple of weeks ago.

I didn't think I'd ever find anyone attracted to me at this age and size. But I was wrong. I'm the biggest I've ever been but he makes me feel incredibly attractive.

Can I also suggest Wooplus? I thought it would be full of fetishists, and whilst there are definitely some on there, I have had more success meeting normal men there than on any other site.

Also for me, it removes the fear over size - obviously I am bigger, I am on a plus size dating app!

@TheSnootiestFox I don't really think that way to be honest - I'm pretty confident though so even though I'm older and fatter than I would like I try not to let that worry me too much!!!

Well it would be disingenuous to pretend that physical appearance isn't a significant factor in attraction. So with that in mind if you're planning any major change to your appearance it might be best to do it before dating.
Your chances of attracting a man who doesn't care about about body shape snd size are lower than your chances of attracting a man because of your body shape and size. So someone who likes larger women may not want you to lose weight.

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences. A range of success stories and horrible encounters. I really appreciate your honesty.

Boring backstory but I’ve always had problems with food (met him sized 14/16 ended up at 22 at my largest due to health issues). My marriage failed, he ended it without giving me a reason but guess my weight gain would have been a signicant factor but he basically checked out three years prior and it was all very cruel. He also gained weight and lost it, then I was fed the Script. Wish he’s just communicated but I wasn’t obviously worth the truth or support.

Guess I was stupidly thinking that dating again would be a distraction but I’m barely eating anything now due to the stress, have lost three stone but feeling weary/stress/brain fog.

Think you’ve all answered my question that I’m not ready to be anywhere near anyone and just need to get better for myself. Thank you all, and hope all your idividuals situations succeed or work out for the best. 💐xx