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Original poster

A friendship one

31 replies

BendyWendy80 · 03/02/2023 13:52

What to do when a friend doesn’t initiate plans?
I am always the one who suggests meeting up, arranging a time, place etc. If I didn’t, I doubt we’d see each other!
She always accepts an invitation and when we do meet, the conversation flows so it’s not as if she doesn’t want to be there but always being the one to make contact and suggest things to do is draining.

Anyone else been in or is in a similar situation? Any tips on how to manage it as it’s getting frustrating.

OP posts:
Biscuitsandpizza · 03/02/2023 14:56

I think it depends; if it's always been this way, then you probably have to accept (if you want to see her, of course) that you're more of the instigator of plans, as some people just aren't proactive.

If things have changed, and she used to, is there a reason why things have changed, e.g., change in circumstances, etc. I do understand how you feel though, I definitely prefer more balanced friendships!

Whatislove82 · 03/02/2023 14:58

Is she particularly special to you?

always been like this or a change?

Mary46 · 03/02/2023 17:38

Hi op I have the same. I put all the effort into the friendship. When we meet its nice but like you say unless I do it.. I know a school mam she said sometimes others are better at organising!!

GoldDuster · 03/02/2023 17:41

If a friendship has become draining, you're under no obligation to continue to put the same amount of effort in if you feel it's not being matched.

If I didn’t, I doubt we’d see each other

Surely this tells you what you need to know about how invested in the friendship she is?

Watchkeys · 03/02/2023 17:47

If you don't like initiating all the time, don't initiate. Let the friendship be what it is, rather than trying to keep control of it. It might be, simply, nothing.

5rosebud · 03/02/2023 17:52

Yes I have, or rather had, a friend like this. Last summer I decided to stop initiating / chasing and I haven’t heard from her since. It’s a shame but I’d rather put my energy into friendships where it is reciprocated. Ive actually found I’m forming better connections with people and feel better within myself as a result. It has taken me years to get to this point though!

Twinklytops · 03/02/2023 18:27

5rosebud · 03/02/2023 17:52

Yes I have, or rather had, a friend like this. Last summer I decided to stop initiating / chasing and I haven’t heard from her since. It’s a shame but I’d rather put my energy into friendships where it is reciprocated. Ive actually found I’m forming better connections with people and feel better within myself as a result. It has taken me years to get to this point though!

I agree with this.

Its not a mutual, equal, balanced and reciprocal friendship - you are doing all of the emotional heavy lifting - that’s why you feel drained.

It may have got like this by a lazy habit of hers (inadvertently enabled by you) - so you could be direct and ask her to set up next meet up - then take it in turns.

Or you could just wait for her to notice and initiate.

But it’s not something you should endure.

Original poster
BendyWendy80 · 03/02/2023 18:28

Thanks all for your replies.
There’s not been any change in circumstances for either of us and yes, she has always been like this so it’s not a new thing.
I last saw her in early January and I’ve not heard from her at all since despite having a lovely afternoon when we did see each other.
I do feel a bit petty as I haven’t reached out to her to see if she’d contact me instead to organise something, but I guess her silence tells me all I need to know!

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 03/02/2023 18:28

Watchkeys · 03/02/2023 17:47

If you don't like initiating all the time, don't initiate. Let the friendship be what it is, rather than trying to keep control of it. It might be, simply, nothing.

Mum and I both tried this, so with very different age groups. If we felt it was always organising things, we let the person contact us.

what we both found was people got in touch saying "why haven't you been in touch?" So weird.

I'm moving and will be much more conscious of this when trying to make new friends.

my late father was the organiser of his group's New Year's Eve party.

after he passed, mum got a few calls asking if she was taking over. She said "no but if someone else is happy to find a venue, I'll sort out everyone's food choices, booze, keep track of allergies" etc.

no one ever stepped up to do even half the job, but she continued to get calls asking if she was doing it, until her stroke in November last year.

She also gets comments like "what a shame no one organises this any more". It's so weird.

apologies for the tangent. I think especially with 1:1 there needs to be some equality of effort.

EmmaEmerald · 03/02/2023 18:29

BendyWendy80 · 03/02/2023 18:28

Thanks all for your replies.
There’s not been any change in circumstances for either of us and yes, she has always been like this so it’s not a new thing.
I last saw her in early January and I’ve not heard from her at all since despite having a lovely afternoon when we did see each other.
I do feel a bit petty as I haven’t reached out to her to see if she’d contact me instead to organise something, but I guess her silence tells me all I need to know!

Cross post

so a month ago?

I haven't seen my alleged best mate for five months, she finally asked to put a date in the diary last week.

I'd give it a bit of time.

Original poster
BendyWendy80 · 03/02/2023 18:33

@EmmaEmerald Yes it’s only been a month but I’ve done all the organising for all previous times we’ve met up. The thing is, she complains she doesn’t have much of a social life and spends too much time at home yet doesn’t seem to want to do anything to reverse that!

OP posts:
SnakesandHaringayLadders · 03/02/2023 19:02

The people I don’t initiate stuff with are those who are fun but who’ve been flaky with me before.

I’ll go to stuff they’ve organised if it suits me but I’m clear if it works for me or I can’t make it but I won’t set up something with them as they’ll bail at the last minute.

It’s a flake tax I guess.

Mary46 · 03/02/2023 19:02

We go months as life busy between kids and elder parents. Its nice see her. But like you op I have arrange it. But no she would never make first move. But I have other friends I see.

ShakespearesBlister · 03/02/2023 19:04

I did this for 10 years. It doesn't change. I stopped and pretty much straight away it fizzled out. I have no regrets.

Mary46 · 03/02/2023 19:20

Yes you get tired chasing... I have noticed it in a few friends. You can get lazy too oh they will arrange it!

Biscuitsandpizza · 04/02/2023 13:20

Early January isn't so long ago, you could give a little longer, and she might surprise you?

I had a friend who would always say "Must catch up soon" at the end of messages, to which I'd reply "yes, sounds good, when's best for you, I can do x,y,z"...she never replied, and we repeated the cycle for around a year 😂...I've now realised she clearly wants to phase me out, so am not going to message her anymore.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 04/02/2023 13:29

Biscuitsandpizza · 04/02/2023 13:20

Early January isn't so long ago, you could give a little longer, and she might surprise you?

I had a friend who would always say "Must catch up soon" at the end of messages, to which I'd reply "yes, sounds good, when's best for you, I can do x,y,z"...she never replied, and we repeated the cycle for around a year 😂...I've now realised she clearly wants to phase me out, so am not going to message her anymore.

I had this with a woman I used to work with. I met up with her after we both changed jobs and to be honest she was annoying anyway. Constantly making excuses about being busy and having to help her daughter - who had a perfectly capable husband.

In the end I messaged her saying that I'd realised when she said she didn't have time what she was really meaning was that she didn't want to be friends anymore. I said that if I'd inadvertently upset her I was sorry, wished her well and blocked her. I think I'd annoyed her because I didn't fancy her bald son!

I've not missed her at all.

Whatislove82 · 04/02/2023 14:53

What’s your other friendships like?

is this one particularly special to you hence the effort you go to?

Whatislove82 · 04/02/2023 14:56

EmmaEmerald · 03/02/2023 18:29

Cross post

so a month ago?

I haven't seen my alleged best mate for five months, she finally asked to put a date in the diary last week.

I'd give it a bit of time.

Show quote history

Does your best friend live very far from you?

I can’t fathom not seeing my two closest and dearest friends for 5 months (we live an hour apart so easily doable in a day)

Whatislove82 · 04/02/2023 14:57

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 04/02/2023 13:29

I had this with a woman I used to work with. I met up with her after we both changed jobs and to be honest she was annoying anyway. Constantly making excuses about being busy and having to help her daughter - who had a perfectly capable husband.

In the end I messaged her saying that I'd realised when she said she didn't have time what she was really meaning was that she didn't want to be friends anymore. I said that if I'd inadvertently upset her I was sorry, wished her well and blocked her. I think I'd annoyed her because I didn't fancy her bald son!

I've not missed her at all.

Show quote history

I don’t mean to be harsh but very clearly this woman didn’t want to be friends. From what you’ve said, nothing indicates that she wanted to meet up. “Maybe catch up soon” is the clincher!

Whatislove82 · 04/02/2023 15:01

Its not a mutual, equal, balanced and reciprocal friendship - you are doing all of the emotional heavy lifting - that’s why you feel drained.

most likely because the OP regards her as a closer friend than she does the OP. I certainly wouldn’t initiate precious get togethers when limited time with some people I like and regard as a “friend” but if they said fancy a coffee ? And I was free, then yes, I might accept.
but with my friends that I really do regard as close friends, then absolutely I initiate!

Original poster
BendyWendy80 · 04/02/2023 15:09

@Whatislove82 My other friendships are equal in terms of effort and contact. I guess I struggle with this one as the effort is all one sided.

OP posts:
Metabigot · 04/02/2023 15:09

I have a Friend where I'm always doing the organising but everything else works well and when I was going through some shit last year she was one of the few people who asked if I was OK. So I don't mind.

Yes, it would be nicer if the organising was reciprocal but I've kind of established myself in that role now.

If everything else is good I don't sweat it

Whatislove82 · 04/02/2023 15:14

BendyWendy80 · 04/02/2023 15:09

@Whatislove82 My other friendships are equal in terms of effort and contact. I guess I struggle with this one as the effort is all one sided.

Ok so if you have other good friends where it’s equal and doesn’t make you feel like this friend, why are you pursuing it? I could understand if you were lonely or bored and no other friends but… you say you aren’t.

So ask yourself… if you had someone in your like that you liked but were that bothered with regularly getting together… would you initiate get togethers? Unlikely. But if they initiated contact and it was totally convenient to you.. you make just 🤷‍♀️ and think “sure, ok, I’ve got nothing else on”. And I suspect your friend sees The relationship in the same way. I can think of someone like this in my life. Nice woman. Pleasant to get together with for the odd coffee if it suits me but I wouldn’t initiate. I initiate with my close friends that I actively want to see

User45378754 · 04/02/2023 15:21

Whatislove82 · 04/02/2023 15:14

Ok so if you have other good friends where it’s equal and doesn’t make you feel like this friend, why are you pursuing it? I could understand if you were lonely or bored and no other friends but… you say you aren’t.

So ask yourself… if you had someone in your like that you liked but were that bothered with regularly getting together… would you initiate get togethers? Unlikely. But if they initiated contact and it was totally convenient to you.. you make just 🤷‍♀️ and think “sure, ok, I’ve got nothing else on”. And I suspect your friend sees The relationship in the same way. I can think of someone like this in my life. Nice woman. Pleasant to get together with for the odd coffee if it suits me but I wouldn’t initiate. I initiate with my close friends that I actively want to see

Show quote history

This sounds sensible - maybe we all have “tiers” of friends from BFF to acquaintances. Maybe you need to shift this one down a tier (where she presumably has you?) to reset the balance and manage your expectations, frustrations and disappointment.