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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Out of the blue angry contact from the past

66 replies

Hardtobelieve123 · 02/02/2023 22:34

So, this has been a difficult issue in my adult life. A childhood friend of mine has just sent me an email full of anger and resentment and a list of everything I apparently did wrong.

We stopped being friends when we became adults because she became so self absorbed and did not behave like a friend at all, putting me down, only talking about herself, demanding attention and frankly I had enough of it. The friendship fizzled out quite naturally although we never actually cut contact.

She must be having a retrospective right now because I’ve really been savaged by a missive with all the things I did wrong. She takes literally no responsibility for anything.

We live in the same town, have friends in common, see each other in the supermarket etc.

How do I go forward from here. Cutting contact isn’t an option.

I understand now how she seriously cannot see anything from anyone other than her perspective. She is angry with the world and me but me especially for letting her down, not supporting her etc etc. Now she is very communicative about all the difficulties in her life. No acknowledgment that other people have had difficulties too. She has rewritten her life narrative so that she is entirely the victim.

How to handle it?

OP posts:
Zonder · 02/02/2023 22:37

Ignore it. If and when your paths cross just act like it never came. Behave to her how you would anyway. It's not you, it's her.

Bootskates · 02/02/2023 22:38

Honestly? I'd ignore it

NowtSalamander · 02/02/2023 22:41

i think ignoring is your only option. People who want to blame you will do so and there’s no point in engaging with it. It’s their loss if they can’t evaluate what’s happened to them in life honestly.

category12 · 02/02/2023 22:41

I'd just ignore it, no point engaging.

Definitely don't answer it any time soon, you will just give her ammunition and may regret what you say. Take lots of time to think about responding, if you do at all.

But I think it would be a waste of time & energy to defend or argue back, if she's rewritten everything in her mind. If there's no truth in it, then just let it flow over your head.

Just be civil in public and keep your distance.

Spaghetti201 · 02/02/2023 22:44

Don’t argue with stupid, it will beat you with experience!

MargaritMargo · 02/02/2023 22:46

I would also just ignore it.

had she made contact and wanted to talk some things through, acknowledging that the friendship broke down mutually (ie not placing all the blame on the other person) and was genuine about wanting to reconcile then I’d be up for talking.

But in this case there is zero point in engaging because she’s made it really clear that she doesn’t remember or realise the truth (or does but has chosen to rewrite it). So you’d be essentially talking to the proverbial brick wall and absolutely wasting your time.

I would pretend I hadn’t even received it to be honest. If it’s ever mentioned just say “I have no idea what you are talking about sorry”

Natty13 · 02/02/2023 22:51

"Sounds like you may benefit from therapy" then block.

However ignoring it is probably the way to go.

EL8888 · 02/02/2023 22:51

Yet another vote to ignore. I don’t see any value in getting into this kind of debate. Of course lm sure she’s perfect in everything she does 🙄

BensonStabler · 02/02/2023 22:51

look up the grey rock method on how to handle it.

sounds very narc entitled behaviour

happinessischocolate · 02/02/2023 22:53

Ignore as others have said but also do not reread the email. Preferably just delete it.

If you dont reread it, you will forget it quicker.

Fudgemaker · 02/02/2023 22:55

I think I would write a very factual reply, no accusations no anger etc just calmly listing the issues / difficulties with her in a non confrontational manner and then not engage further

Derbee · 02/02/2023 22:56

Ignore.

What’s the quote, something like “never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, but the pig likes it”

Irrelevantdata · 02/02/2023 23:10

Derbee · 02/02/2023 22:56

Ignore.

What’s the quote, something like “never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, but the pig likes it”

Exactly what I was going to say, there is absolutely nothing to be gained by engaging OP, you will indeed get dirty and the pig will definitely like it! Stick with 'email? What email?', practice your confused face and step away from the drama Flowers

FangsForTheMemory · 02/02/2023 23:20

She’s done this because she wants your attention. Don’t give her it.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/02/2023 23:27

Blank it completely. Literally not one word of acknowledgement - you would be wasting your energy and feeding her drama.

houseonthehill · 03/02/2023 00:19

She might have recently joined one of those not-a-cults like Landmark. This is one of the things they have to do as part of their programming.

sunglassesonthetable · 03/02/2023 00:24

ignore. move on.

jtaeapa · 03/02/2023 00:27

I was also going to say completely ignore it. Don't feed her drama.

If you see her in the supermarket, say hi and move on. Just don't engage with her shite.

HomeTheatreSystem · 03/02/2023 04:39

Why do you say cutting contact isn't an option? If after all this time and opportunity for reflection, this is still her stance, there's absolutely zero point in engaging with her. She will probably carry this perspective through to her dying day. Whatever her issues are, you can't fix them. Maybe she wants you back in her life because she hasn't been able to find someone else who will tolerate being treated poorly. Who knows!

MrsMikeDrop · 03/02/2023 04:52

Sounds like classic narcissist. They're probably had some counselling or had a look at some YouTube videos and now blaming everyone else for their problems. Like others have said, don't engage. As much as you can minimise involvement and communication with this person. The less you engage the better.

HomeTheatreSystem · 03/02/2023 04:53

I think all you can do is have one last communication, in writing, stating that she needs to accept you are both adults who have grown apart after your childhood friendship, and you don't want to receive any more contact from her. If she persists, it will constitute harassment and you will get the police involved.

Poppyblush · 03/02/2023 06:38

Ignore and don’t acknowledge it. She sounds nuts.

Hawkins002 · 03/02/2023 06:47

Refute it point by point @Hardtobelieve123

MushMonster · 03/02/2023 06:51

Ignore

Zonder · 03/02/2023 08:44

Hawkins002 · 03/02/2023 06:47

Refute it point by point @Hardtobelieve123

Why on earth? Just to keep an argument going?