Out of the blue angry contact from the past

[Hardtobelieve123]

So, this has been a difficult issue in my adult life. A childhood friend of mine has just sent me an email full of anger and resentment and a list of everything I apparently did wrong.

We stopped being friends when we became adults because she became so self absorbed and did not behave like a friend at all, putting me down, only talking about herself, demanding attention and frankly I had enough of it. The friendship fizzled out quite naturally although we never actually cut contact.

She must be having a retrospective right now because I’ve really been savaged by a missive with all the things I did wrong. She takes literally no responsibility for anything.

We live in the same town, have friends in common, see each other in the supermarket etc.

How do I go forward from here. Cutting contact isn’t an option.

I understand now how she seriously cannot see anything from anyone other than her perspective. She is angry with the world and me but me especially for letting her down, not supporting her etc etc. Now she is very communicative about all the difficulties in her life. No acknowledgment that other people have had difficulties too. She has rewritten her life narrative so that she is entirely the victim.

How to handle it?

What time did she send the message? I wouldn't think twice about it if she sent it after about 7pm, I'd just think she was drunk.

Don't mention it. Don't respond. Don't react.

I'd mark it as spam so that anything else she sent would also go into spam.

Then I'd pretend I'd never seen it. And if she comes at you in person say 'gosh what a bad person I am, best never to talk to me again eh?' and walk away.

I'd go with ignore it & just act as if it never arrived.

Apart from anything else it'll totally put her on the wrong foot. She'll be expecting you to be angry and you'll just be normal.

If she says did you get my email - Oh my email has gone funny & sometimes just deletes stuff Sorry - Was it something important ?

(I did have an email that took against certain folk like my dad & best friend & WOULD NOT deliver me their messages - beyond frustrating because my dad just would not believe me & every conversation started with did you get my email - For the 50000th time no I bloody never stop emailing me !)

Then gradually phase her out - Quick hello when you see her in the supermarket but nothing more.

If you really need to reply I would reply with “I’m sorry you feel that way” and nothing more

Relegate it to junk mail and delete, don't reply and carry on as if you've never received it. Also I'd block her email so you cannot receive anything else. This is about her not you, don't take it to heart and carry on as you were.

I’d be tempted to send back ‘recollections may vary’ but the best option is to ignore it.

I wouldn’t delete it. But I would file it away and not look at it again.

Was this after 5pm? Maybe she'd had a glass of wine too many. I'd ignore it too.

Two options. Either return your own version of events back to her then block her, or say nothing. But if you do say nothing you're going to have to keep saying nothing, even when she starts waylaying you in the street to tell you all about how badly you treated her - which you can be sure she will do eventually now that she's reached out and feels ready to talk.

I had a similar situation years ago. I got very upset, sent a point by point reply, then got a reply that moved the goalposts and claimed it was the way they expressed themselves (no engagement with the factual inaccuracies). I cut contact.

Looking back on it, it was all about what was going on for them. I shouldn't have engaged, it just prolonged it. Logic/reasonableness is unlikely to work, they are in their own universe/ perspective and you can't reach them.

Either send a short reply saying you don't want anymore contact, or block. Move on.

I have had some contact and an apology recently (after 20+ years) but it makes little difference.

Good luck.

Really kind responses. You’ve all made me feel so much better. I’ll do as suggested and just leave it. I’m feeling really sad that this person is in such a miserable place but I can’t help them, so there we are. Thank you everyone. It may be the internet and faceless but each message sent has really strengthened and helped me.

You can block her email and phone.

I had 2 (once close) family members behaving like this.
Blaming me for their "misfortunes "
Went on for years.
Turns out they were both alcoholics and possibly undiagnosed mental illness.
Irrational ranting, false allegations yada yada yada
I learned to ignore it eventually and my life improved greatly.
You say cutting contact is not an option . It sounds like the best option imho

Thank you. I may have no choice. I certainly want to avoid her after that rampage. Once bitten, twice shy!

I know a lot of people say ignore. I would reply:

I am sorry this has been playing on your mind all these years. I've forgiven myself and you for what has happened in the past and was therefore able to move on without having thought about it since. My advice for you would be to do the same.

If you are both circulating in the same locality, your paths will probably cross eventually. Therefore I'd be tempted to not leave things so that the ball is in any way in your court. Then however, if you do get further comeback, where does it end?

thats a very good way of putting it. It’s true too. Thank you

”Oh fuck off, Janet.”

Cutting contact isn’t an option.

Genuinely - why? Because it might make your mutual friends uncomfortable? Or you might have the odd awkward moment in Tesco? This is what people like your ex-friend bank on. She wants to worm her way back in with you, or, if that fails, push you out - all with an innocent shrug of the shoulders and a “Well, I triiiiiied…”

Ignore the letter, ignore her when you see her, and if your friends try to speak up on her behalf or tell you it’s difficult for them, simply tell them “Well, I’m sorry about that, but sometimes these things happen”. Don’t enter into any explanations or justifications - simply state that this is how things are.

Yes exactly. Don’t want an emotional tennis match! I won’t say much, if I do say anything. But whatever I do - silence, or answering - she will count it against me anyway so I’m not sure it matters much. I just don’t want to feed the fire.

Yes, probably because I hate conflict so I avoid it. And total non contact does seem a bit hard hearted and cold. I’m sure it’s necessary for many situations though, so judgement on those who chose it and need to use it. I just want to go through life without causing too much harm! I know some is unavoidable…. Sitting on the fence …. Being a wimp!

This lash out from so called friend has nothing to do with you at all. Just ignore it. If she approaches you about it in another way, or indirectly via common friends then advise all you have no idea what the fuzz is about. Its not your job to assist with your so called friend to mature, take responsibility.

I agree with PP, this isn’t to do with you. It’s about her. Sounds like she’s been to the same therapist as Prince Harry 😂🙄

Delete it and forget it. Next time you see her, act like normal.

This 😂 what a drama llama!

My petty side would want to take out a red pen, and refute every accusation with the truth. But I agree with everyone else, just ignore. It would just encourage more ridiculous accusations.

on paper and with pen write a reply, a full on outburst of what you feel, then burn it. (Your therapy).

Delete all her emails so you can’t go back and dwell on them, block her on all methods of communication and breezily say if challenged that you have no idea what she’s talking about.