Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong? Need reassurance!

37 replies

user01082312345 · 02/02/2023 13:30

I haven’t seen my parents since pre-Covid (I live abroad in Canada and they’re in the UK). I have a two year old son with my husband. Since my son’s birth, I have suffered with my mental health, and my relationship with my husband has also been rocky. At one point I ended up in the psych ward with suicidal thoughts. Only now do I feel as though I’m finally getting back on track. We’ve moved into a more spacious flat in a nice neighbourhood, I have a job which I love (LO goes to nursery during the week while I work from home which gives me the break I need), and I’m also getting on a lot better with my husband. Having said that, I’m still adjusting to motherhood, and despite pressure from family members and friends back home in the UK, I’ve decided against travelling abroad with my LO since I don’t think I could mentally cope with a long haul flight with a toddler. I would also have to fly alone since my husband has only recently started a new job and he doesn’t have any vacation time. My parents are in their seventies, my dad was diagnosed with throat cancer over a year ago but it was operable and he has since been given the all clear. I wouldn’t say I have a really close relationship with my parents, but we get along and message every day. My parents really want to meet their grandson, and they asked if they could come over and stay with us for two and a half weeks. Only thing is, my husband can’t stand my mum (she talks nonstop and I hate saying this, but I reckon she has some kind of undiagnosed personality disorder bordering on narcissism). I also find it wearisome to spend a lot of time in her company, and she can also make cruel comments, especially after a few wines. Last time she came to visit us, she stayed for almost three weeks which put a huge strain on my relationship with DH, and that was before we had a kid. Even though we’ve since moved into a bigger flat and we have a spare room to accommodate them, it still isn't large enough to house four adults and a toddler without us all living on top of each other; there is only one bathroom, and my husband works night shifts so he needs to sleep during the day. My husband told me he can only tolerate my parents staying with us for one week, and then if they wish to stay longer they will have to book into a hotel. There is a really nice motel two minute drive from us, but I also dread the thought of hosting my parents as well as taking care of a toddler. My LO is an easy kid, but he still wakes during the night and he is also an early riser (he is awake by 5:30 most mornings), so this is why I rely on bringing him to nursery so I can catch up on sleep and relax during the day while also being able to focus on work without any interruptions. I’m also in agreement with my husband that one week is the most I can do with hosting my parents, any longer and it will just create friction and arguments between us, which won't be good for my son.

I communicated this to my parents, and this is the response I got.

They say they can't afford to stay in a hotel for a few days, yet last year they spent three weeks holidaying in Turkey!

I don’t want to come across as an ungrateful daughter, I’m just trying to make my mental health a priority right now and also do what’s best for my family. Am in in the wrong?? Or are my parents asking too much for a two and a half week stay?

Am I in the wrong? Need reassurance!
OP posts:
Yellowflowerr · 02/02/2023 13:35

you're not being unreasonable for not wanting them to stay with you for 2 weeks, but they’re also not unreasonable for declining to come visit on this basis. Perhaps it’s just better for all involved for them to not visit 😊

FetchezLaVache · 02/02/2023 13:36

You've left one instance of your name in the screenshot and you can tell what your DH and DS are called - could you ask MNHQ to delete it?

ladydimitrescu · 02/02/2023 13:39

Yours, your husbands and your sons names are all really visible in the post op. You may want to rethink it

Natty13 · 02/02/2023 13:40

Years ago I was in a similar situation. I communicate very gently but very direct so I did tell my parents "I would love to see you however the truth is that last time you visited it was challenging due to the amount of comments you made on my house/job/appearance and XYZ behaviours. For that reason I'm not happy to host you in my house until you can show me you're willing and able to treat me with respect." They weren't happy but what could they do? They had to learn to see me as an adult and treat me with the respect they would anyone else they wanted a relationship with. They managed that just fine and I love having them to stay now because in the nicest way they know how to behave and they know what I won't tolerate.

FetchezLaVache · 02/02/2023 13:41

...you are definitely not being unreasonable, 2.5 weeks is a bloody long time to have guests sharing bathrooms and living rooms and things, in fact I'm not even sure I'd have offered them a week!

Just on that snapshot, also, your mother does sound a bit... <trails off> Insisting that their presence during the day won't have any effect on DH trying to sleep is ludicrous! That message does read rather like a guilt trip.

Are you absolutely sure money isn't an issue? Could you afford to contribute to motel costs, if only to flush it out as a mere pretext?

Original poster
user01082312345 · 02/02/2023 13:43

FetchezLaVache · 02/02/2023 13:41

...you are definitely not being unreasonable, 2.5 weeks is a bloody long time to have guests sharing bathrooms and living rooms and things, in fact I'm not even sure I'd have offered them a week!

Just on that snapshot, also, your mother does sound a bit... <trails off> Insisting that their presence during the day won't have any effect on DH trying to sleep is ludicrous! That message does read rather like a guilt trip.

Are you absolutely sure money isn't an issue? Could you afford to contribute to motel costs, if only to flush it out as a mere pretext?

It did cross my mind to offer to pay for a motel stay for a few days, but my husband and I are in debt and we really can't afford it right now.

OP posts:
SpareHeirOverThere · 02/02/2023 13:44

Yanbu. It's difficult to host for longer than a few days, and a week was a generous compromise, especially given the complications with your dh and Mum.

Your parents are being very unreasonable. This is their child and grandchild they are declining to visit, because they are being asked to stay in a motel nearby.

Their sense of entitlement to stay in your home is greater than their desire to see you.

It's not about money. It's about their hurt feelings and lack of consideration for you and your dh.

I'm sorry, OP.

MarchingBand · 02/02/2023 13:50

You're not being unreasonable but nor are your parents. You wont/can't travel to them and they don't want to stay in a hotel so what can you do?

Justcallmebebes · 02/02/2023 13:51

Well I see it as your DP making it difficult for you to see and spend time with your parents whom you haven't seen in about 3 years and who also, naturally and understandably, want to meet and spend time with their GC.

Nice

BeExcellent2EachOther · 02/02/2023 13:52

I would just reply that you're sad you're not going to see them (& they're not going to meet your DD) but you completely respect their decision and you would never force them to do something they were uncomfortable with.

Then leave the ball in their court.

In all fairness the visit doesn't sound like it'd be that enjoyable anyway, it's probably for the best that they don't come.

JennytheDonk · 02/02/2023 14:22

YANBU. I don't think even staying 1 week would work if DH works nights and you live in a flat.

There's no way he won't get woken up.

I'd wait until you feel comfortable flying to visit them, then it's on your own terms, you can choose to just visit for a week, and you can stay in a hotel near them.

Seaoftroubles · 02/02/2023 14:57

If your DH works night shifts then it's unreasonable for your parents to expect to stay with you. If the relationship is tricky far better they stay in a hotel to lessen the strain! Just tell them although you want to see them this is the only solution, and then leave them to decide if they want to come or not.

SNWannabe · 02/02/2023 15:02

You are not being unreasonable. I would just say that it’s a shame that they won’t be coming to Canada but you understand the expense is an issue and hopefully they can save to come at a cheaper time next year or later in the year etc… Don’t even get into the sleep issue etc.

Flowersintheattic57 · 02/02/2023 18:57

They are being unreasonable. It’s perfectly normal to stay in a hotel nearby when on an extended visit. There’s no way your husband is going to get ANY sleep with two extra adults in the house , one of whom never shuts up.

Original poster
user01082312345 · 02/02/2023 19:05

Flowersintheattic57 · 02/02/2023 18:57

They are being unreasonable. It’s perfectly normal to stay in a hotel nearby when on an extended visit. There’s no way your husband is going to get ANY sleep with two extra adults in the house , one of whom never shuts up.

And it isn't just the fact that my mum will be there talking nonstop. They would want LO to stay home from nursery so they can spend time with him, and obviously a two year old isn't going to stay quiet because daddy needs to sleep.

But honestly, even if my husband worked regular day shifts, a week is the longest I could accommodate my parents in a small flat with a toddler to take care of.

When my parents stayed with my brother for a few days (he lives in London UK), my mum didn't speak to him for a fortnight afterwards because he didn't make her sandwiches for the train journey home. That's the kind of person she is. Entitled! I couldn't imagine the stunts she would pull if she stayed here for two and a half weeks!!

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 02/02/2023 20:52

if they want to come they can come for the one week, after all they are visiting their grandson

CombatBarbie · 02/02/2023 20:58

Can I ask where Dhs family are and how often they have visited. Whilst I completely get both sides, I think DH is BU in the fact he can't stand her. Presumably this is a summer visit where your parents can take LO out for a few hours in the day to let you work and DH sleep. Or...... They could pay for DH to stay in the motel.

Before anyone gets in uproar, the parents are trying and I'd feel the same if I was travelling long haul to visit after 3yrs. They want to see their daughter and grandchild. It's also going to be a frank discussion on boundaries with your mum.

Original poster
user01082312345 · 03/02/2023 01:45

CombatBarbie · 02/02/2023 20:58

Can I ask where Dhs family are and how often they have visited. Whilst I completely get both sides, I think DH is BU in the fact he can't stand her. Presumably this is a summer visit where your parents can take LO out for a few hours in the day to let you work and DH sleep. Or...... They could pay for DH to stay in the motel.

Before anyone gets in uproar, the parents are trying and I'd feel the same if I was travelling long haul to visit after 3yrs. They want to see their daughter and grandchild. It's also going to be a frank discussion on boundaries with your mum.

My in-laws live about a twenty minute drive away. They have a very good relationship with LO and have babysat him numerous times in the past. They live in a fairly large house with a basement that has its own bathroom and two bedrooms. They offered for my parents to stay with them when they come visit, but when I put this option to my mum last time, she flat out refused. My mum doesn't get along with my MIL. Even though my MIL didn't particularly warm to my mum when they met, she still offered to house my parents.

OP posts:
Flowersintheattic57 · 03/02/2023 07:40

It’s so hard to be firm with your own parents! Sounds like your dad enables her as well. Why didn’t she or your dad make sandwiches for the train?
My father used to treat us all to The Big Silence when he was displeased. So manipulative.
All you can do is work on your boundaries and keep settling them out every time she’s trying to climb over them. ‘I have found the Mumsnet phrase ‘ that doesn’t work for me’ so helpful, as it’s not really confrontational, but it does communicate that another solution is needed.
I’m not surprised you moved to Canada 😀, so calm and peaceful and far away.

Godlovesall26 · 03/02/2023 07:59

user01082312345 · 03/02/2023 01:45

My in-laws live about a twenty minute drive away. They have a very good relationship with LO and have babysat him numerous times in the past. They live in a fairly large house with a basement that has its own bathroom and two bedrooms. They offered for my parents to stay with them when they come visit, but when I put this option to my mum last time, she flat out refused. My mum doesn't get along with my MIL. Even though my MIL didn't particularly warm to my mum when they met, she still offered to house my parents.

Show quote history

Mum is being completely unreasonable then.
She’s basically being offered independent accommodation at your ILs (who don’t even like her, they’re being nice) won’t even have to interact that much.

gannett · 03/02/2023 09:24

CombatBarbie · 02/02/2023 20:58

Can I ask where Dhs family are and how often they have visited. Whilst I completely get both sides, I think DH is BU in the fact he can't stand her. Presumably this is a summer visit where your parents can take LO out for a few hours in the day to let you work and DH sleep. Or...... They could pay for DH to stay in the motel.

Before anyone gets in uproar, the parents are trying and I'd feel the same if I was travelling long haul to visit after 3yrs. They want to see their daughter and grandchild. It's also going to be a frank discussion on boundaries with your mum.

From everything the OP has said, it's completely reasonable of her husband if he can't stand her mum.

Her mum makes cruel comments to her and gives her brother the silent treatment over nothing. She sounds difficult at best (especially in those messages) and toxic at worst.

The setup of hosting two guests in a small flat with one of the occupants working night shifts is unworkable even if they were perfectly normal, thoughtful people. A week would be too much and it's pretty generous of the OP's partner to even offer that - I certainly wouldn't. If they're not happy with the offer then so be it.

OP, you're not at all in the wrong. If I were you I'd reiterate your offer without compromises, without bending over backwards to appease them. And then I would have a really hard think about how your mum has treated you and your brother over the years and how having less of her in your life might be a game-changer for you. I would work on disentangling yourself from the fear, obligation and guilt you feel towards her just because she's your mum. I feel this is a case of a very toxic, controlling parent.

honeypancake · 03/02/2023 09:38

I am shocked how after not seeing your parents for several years it is too much of a trouble to host them for two and a half weeks? It is a long flight why would you make them travel all the way for just a week? I don't think it is reasonable at all. Also I think you are anxious at the thought of their stay being hell when in reality you never know, it may turn out great and you will enjoy the time together and make memories etc.

Trisolaris · 03/02/2023 09:47

You’ve given your mum plenty of options (a week staying with you, motel, In-laws house) but unless you do exactly as she wants she is saying they won’t come, so resisting you setting any kind of boundary whatsoever.

It’s up to them to come or not, stick to the boundary you’ve set.

thirtysixpercent · 03/02/2023 09:50

I think you're being completely reasonable in the circumstances. You've agreed on a halfway measure, 1 week at your house, 1 week elsewhere. You could go back one more time and say, 'we would still very much like you to see and meet grandson but our apartment is just too small for 2 weeks and 5 humans. You'd be very welcome to stay the additional week at DH's parents and we would see you every day'.

If they say no to that then it doesn't sound like you have many other choices, as they seemingly want it all on their own terms. Normal healthy families make compromises for the greater good of seeing each other and it doesn't sound as though they are willing. This must make you feel sad. I'm sorry!

Original poster
user01082312345 · 03/02/2023 14:22

Flowersintheattic57 · 03/02/2023 07:40

It’s so hard to be firm with your own parents! Sounds like your dad enables her as well. Why didn’t she or your dad make sandwiches for the train?
My father used to treat us all to The Big Silence when he was displeased. So manipulative.
All you can do is work on your boundaries and keep settling them out every time she’s trying to climb over them. ‘I have found the Mumsnet phrase ‘ that doesn’t work for me’ so helpful, as it’s not really confrontational, but it does communicate that another solution is needed.
I’m not surprised you moved to Canada 😀, so calm and peaceful and far away.

I have no idea why my mum couldn't simply make her own sandwiches for the train, or just buy something to eat! She is very entitled, and I'm worried she will expect me to wait on her hand and foot when she comes to stay.

Another thing my mum likes to do is to change the narrative to suit her side of the story. One time, she babysat my niece so my brother and his wife could go out for a meal. According to my mum, my brother told her there was a frozen pizza if she got hungry. She was upset about this (I couldn't fathom why!) I told my brother about this, and he said that it was bs. He said he OFFERED to COOK for her, she told him don't bother and that she would order pizza, so he mentioned there was a frozen pizza in freezer if she wanted to save some cash! There is no way I want her behaving this way for two and a half weeks when I have my son to look after. It would drive me crazy!

Growing up was so miserable with her, she was either giving my dad the silent treatment, or slamming doors in anger, and one time when I was only little she threw a glass of wine over him, simply because he had to work on her birthday! She likes to say how she 'sacrificed' a lot to send me and my brother to a private school, and always uses it to make us feel guilty, saying things like 'we could have had a nice big house and a fancy car but we chose to put your education first, so I hope you appreciate it.' It was awful.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread