Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong? Need reassurance!

37 replies

user01082312345 · 02/02/2023 13:30

I haven’t seen my parents since pre-Covid (I live abroad in Canada and they’re in the UK). I have a two year old son with my husband. Since my son’s birth, I have suffered with my mental health, and my relationship with my husband has also been rocky. At one point I ended up in the psych ward with suicidal thoughts. Only now do I feel as though I’m finally getting back on track. We’ve moved into a more spacious flat in a nice neighbourhood, I have a job which I love (LO goes to nursery during the week while I work from home which gives me the break I need), and I’m also getting on a lot better with my husband. Having said that, I’m still adjusting to motherhood, and despite pressure from family members and friends back home in the UK, I’ve decided against travelling abroad with my LO since I don’t think I could mentally cope with a long haul flight with a toddler. I would also have to fly alone since my husband has only recently started a new job and he doesn’t have any vacation time. My parents are in their seventies, my dad was diagnosed with throat cancer over a year ago but it was operable and he has since been given the all clear. I wouldn’t say I have a really close relationship with my parents, but we get along and message every day. My parents really want to meet their grandson, and they asked if they could come over and stay with us for two and a half weeks. Only thing is, my husband can’t stand my mum (she talks nonstop and I hate saying this, but I reckon she has some kind of undiagnosed personality disorder bordering on narcissism). I also find it wearisome to spend a lot of time in her company, and she can also make cruel comments, especially after a few wines. Last time she came to visit us, she stayed for almost three weeks which put a huge strain on my relationship with DH, and that was before we had a kid. Even though we’ve since moved into a bigger flat and we have a spare room to accommodate them, it still isn't large enough to house four adults and a toddler without us all living on top of each other; there is only one bathroom, and my husband works night shifts so he needs to sleep during the day. My husband told me he can only tolerate my parents staying with us for one week, and then if they wish to stay longer they will have to book into a hotel. There is a really nice motel two minute drive from us, but I also dread the thought of hosting my parents as well as taking care of a toddler. My LO is an easy kid, but he still wakes during the night and he is also an early riser (he is awake by 5:30 most mornings), so this is why I rely on bringing him to nursery so I can catch up on sleep and relax during the day while also being able to focus on work without any interruptions. I’m also in agreement with my husband that one week is the most I can do with hosting my parents, any longer and it will just create friction and arguments between us, which won't be good for my son.

I communicated this to my parents, and this is the response I got.

They say they can't afford to stay in a hotel for a few days, yet last year they spent three weeks holidaying in Turkey!

I don’t want to come across as an ungrateful daughter, I’m just trying to make my mental health a priority right now and also do what’s best for my family. Am in in the wrong?? Or are my parents asking too much for a two and a half week stay?

Am I in the wrong? Need reassurance!
OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 03/02/2023 14:25

honeypancake · 03/02/2023 09:38

I am shocked how after not seeing your parents for several years it is too much of a trouble to host them for two and a half weeks? It is a long flight why would you make them travel all the way for just a week? I don't think it is reasonable at all. Also I think you are anxious at the thought of their stay being hell when in reality you never know, it may turn out great and you will enjoy the time together and make memories etc.

Thos person probably has no experience of toxic parents

CombatBarbie · 03/02/2023 16:13

user01082312345 · 03/02/2023 01:45

My in-laws live about a twenty minute drive away. They have a very good relationship with LO and have babysat him numerous times in the past. They live in a fairly large house with a basement that has its own bathroom and two bedrooms. They offered for my parents to stay with them when they come visit, but when I put this option to my mum last time, she flat out refused. My mum doesn't get along with my MIL. Even though my MIL didn't particularly warm to my mum when they met, she still offered to house my parents.

Show quote history

OK based on that, your mum is a twat, I take my post back.

CombatBarbie · 03/02/2023 16:16

gannett · 03/02/2023 09:24

From everything the OP has said, it's completely reasonable of her husband if he can't stand her mum.

Her mum makes cruel comments to her and gives her brother the silent treatment over nothing. She sounds difficult at best (especially in those messages) and toxic at worst.

The setup of hosting two guests in a small flat with one of the occupants working night shifts is unworkable even if they were perfectly normal, thoughtful people. A week would be too much and it's pretty generous of the OP's partner to even offer that - I certainly wouldn't. If they're not happy with the offer then so be it.

OP, you're not at all in the wrong. If I were you I'd reiterate your offer without compromises, without bending over backwards to appease them. And then I would have a really hard think about how your mum has treated you and your brother over the years and how having less of her in your life might be a game-changer for you. I would work on disentangling yourself from the fear, obligation and guilt you feel towards her just because she's your mum. I feel this is a case of a very toxic, controlling parent.

Show quote history

It maybe a toxic parent..... Or it could be a toxic husband alienating her from her family. 🤷

ShakespearesBlister · 03/02/2023 16:26

From the text exchange she doesn't sound the least bit interested in your feelings or wishes. The entitlement comes over very clearly. Let her give Canada a miss I say. She certainly wants it all on her own terms. Just stick to your guns. You e given her a week. If they can spend weeks in a hotel in Turkey they can spend a few days in a hotel in Canada. It really does sound like she wants to dictate where she is staying and how long for. Sod that.

GhostsJulianforPrimeMinister · 03/02/2023 16:40

The more you post the more you are not unreasonable.
Sounds like them not coming is the best outcome you could have had!
Sorry op I know a thing or two about moving away from a dysfunctional family but for your own mental health do not have them stay even for the week I say!

YaWeeFurryBastard · 03/02/2023 17:12

FetchezLaVache · 02/02/2023 13:36

You've left one instance of your name in the screenshot and you can tell what your DH and DS are called - could you ask MNHQ to delete it?

I assume Orange is the baby’s nickname not the real name? Can’t tell if it’s mark or nick for the DH so not that outing!

Cornelious2011 · 03/02/2023 22:34

It's really hard op and I've been in your position (living far from family). I know my dh would rather have not had my family to stay but he sucked it up as his family were nearby with limited access to dc. It's only a few weeks. Suppose it depends on the relationship you have with your dp and the one you want in the future for you and dc. Personally I would never ask my parents to stay anywhere other than with us (if I had a bed for them) as it's a limited time and they've travelled far. Ultimately only you can decide what's best moving forward.

Cornelious2011 · 03/02/2023 22:43

To add. The roles are now reversed and we live near my family and in a different country to IL's. They came for Xmas for 10 days. Wouldn't have been my first preference as I like a tidy and clean house (especially at Xmas) but they're dh family so we made it work which included blow up beds in the lounge. There were 5 of them.

Original poster
user01082312345 · 04/02/2023 02:00

Cornelious2011 · 03/02/2023 22:43

To add. The roles are now reversed and we live near my family and in a different country to IL's. They came for Xmas for 10 days. Wouldn't have been my first preference as I like a tidy and clean house (especially at Xmas) but they're dh family so we made it work which included blow up beds in the lounge. There were 5 of them.

Yes, but my parents want to come for two and a half weeks, and we live in a small three bed flat, not a house. We've offered a week's stay, which considering my husband works night shift and I have a two year old to take care of, I thought it would be sufficient.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 04/02/2023 02:18

Yanbu. Hosting them would be horrendous.

Original poster
user01082312345 · 04/02/2023 15:54

I just sent this message to my parents:

"We would still very much like you to see and meet George, but our apartment is just too small for 2 weeks. Max’s parents said that you would be very welcome to stay the additional week at their house, and we would see you every day. Me and George could even come and stay there with you guys since there are two bedrooms in their basement."

Waiting on their reply. My mum rejected staying at my in-laws last time I suggested it, so I doubt they'll say yes.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 04/02/2023 16:26

user01082312345 · 04/02/2023 15:54

I just sent this message to my parents:

"We would still very much like you to see and meet George, but our apartment is just too small for 2 weeks. Max’s parents said that you would be very welcome to stay the additional week at their house, and we would see you every day. Me and George could even come and stay there with you guys since there are two bedrooms in their basement."

Waiting on their reply. My mum rejected staying at my in-laws last time I suggested it, so I doubt they'll say yes.

Are those genuine names? If so get MNHQ to edit/remove the post

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread