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Original poster

His resentment about holidays

41 replies

Provenza · 02/02/2023 06:45

In a recent conversation my bf expressed his resentment for paying for our trips abroad last year. These trips were suggested by him and I contributed where I could, but much less than what he paid. I have always been transparent with him about my financial situation (I earn much less than he does) and he never ever raised it as an issue, neither had he suggested at the time that I should have paid more. If I knew how he really felt, I simply would not have gone away with him.
My feelings went from shock, to upset, to now anger. He feels used. I feel hurt,
conned and gaslighted to believe that I’m a bad person. Not sure how to move on from this.
AIBU? How would you deal with it?

OP posts:
SalaDaeng · 02/02/2023 06:46

I would end the relationship I think. This is likely to become an ongoing issue.

Zanatdy · 02/02/2023 06:48

if you made it clear that you couldn’t afford it and he booked it anyway then that’s on him. So my bf has mentioned a weekend away, that he wants to pay more, an expensive weekend away. I can afford to pay my share, but he wants to treat me. If he then turned it around in a years time and said he felt used I wouldn’t be impressed at all. I wouldn’t be going on anymore holidays with him

STARCATCHER22 · 02/02/2023 06:55

I don’t think I could move on from this.

What is he hoping to achieve by telling you this now? How does he suggest things change moving forward? You’re not going to suddenly start earning more money so he either has to continue contributing more if he wants to travel abroad with you or change the way he holidays.

Original poster
Provenza · 02/02/2023 07:10

He wants me to contribute more. One of his arguments was that I went away with my child and I paid for that trip in full, so I should have contributed to our time away more, too.

I am a single parent and my child is not able to pay for themselves yet.

My problem is: he should have voiced his feelings last year, not now. He always said how happy he was to be away with me. All the memories are now tainted.

OP posts:
GracePooleslaugh · 02/02/2023 07:14

He sounds like an arse, I'd get rid

LadyWithLapdog · 02/02/2023 07:15

How long have you been together and is he being unkind and tight fisted about other things too? Because you’ll surely start to notice now.

picklemewalnuts · 02/02/2023 07:17

Last year he wanted to go away with you enough to pay for it.

This year, he doesn't and resents your responsibility to your DC.

That said, there's a balance where you budget together. So if you want to take DC to Disney and blow your budget, and then can only afford camping with DP, then that's a bit unfair.
Have you divided your holiday budget equally across your two holidays?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 02/02/2023 07:22

Ime resentment towards your dc will grow.

Get rid op.

Original poster
Provenza · 02/02/2023 07:23

What’s confusing is that he has been so lovely in general: loving, caring, generous (with time, emotions, support). I now worry that sooner or later I’ll be told that he’s given too much in those areas as well and I ‘used him’ in some way.
I’ve never taken anything for granted and always expressed my gratitude for everything he did for our relationship.

OP posts:
Littlechickenhead · 02/02/2023 07:25

I wouldn’t be able to move on from it and would end the relationship.

If you were clear with him about what you could contribute at the time and he insisted on going ahead and paying then that’s his choice. To complain about it after the fact is shit behaviour.

If he resents spending money on you for a holiday he chose to book then that’s not going to improve and he will start resenting spending any money at all. Some men think every woman, especially a single parent, is out to fleece them.

frazzledasarock · 02/02/2023 07:25

taking the children on holiday will always be a big expense as out of term holidays are just more expensive.

he knows your budget, you paid what you could. He doesn’t get to dictate or demand that you pay more to holiday with him at the expense of going away with your child.

you said you’d have been fine not to go away with him due to budget. Then it’s completely on him if he chooses to pay for you to holiday together. You’re not forcing him to. He could presumably just join your family holiday, go away alone, or choose somewhere cheaper and more in your budget to travel to.
he didn’t.

Suzi888 · 02/02/2023 07:26

Going forward pay 50/50 or don’t go- if you stay with him.

It sounds like he was out to impress and now he has you the real him is coming out.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 02/02/2023 07:27

He begrudges your child a holiday. He is not a nice man.

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/02/2023 07:29

Provenza · 02/02/2023 07:23

What’s confusing is that he has been so lovely in general: loving, caring, generous (with time, emotions, support). I now worry that sooner or later I’ll be told that he’s given too much in those areas as well and I ‘used him’ in some way.
I’ve never taken anything for granted and always expressed my gratitude for everything he did for our relationship.

This is exactly what will happen.
For whatever reason he has changed his internal narrative (friends in his ear, jealous of higher income couples, cheating etc)

He is now looking for a transactional relationship/financial partnership, not a life partnership.

Prioritise yourself and your child.

WimpoleHat · 02/02/2023 07:35

For whatever reason he has changed his internal narrative (friends in his ear, jealous of higher income couples, cheating etc)

I thought this too - this is a sign of a fundamental shift somewhere. This may not be the relationship for you long term, I’m afraid - it must be very hard to get past that sort of thing from where you are standing.

Original poster
Provenza · 02/02/2023 07:44

I noticed he’s recently been following online content about women being out there to use men.
This is hurtful and I’m starting to have doubts if I want to be with a man who buys into this narrative.
We don’t live together. I’m financially independent and able to support myself and my child. I live within my means. I never asked for any money from him.

OP posts:
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 02/02/2023 07:47

I would walk away from any man who started down this route. Let him go OP

BrightSaturn · 02/02/2023 07:47

Bin this man off.en who watch that sort of content hate women and it sounds like he’s jealous of your relationship with your child which is a major red flag.

you deserve better.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 02/02/2023 07:50

OP, you sound like an independent woman who has a decent life. Any man who comes along should be the cherry on the cake - you don’t need them. This man is not the cherry. I would tell him things have changed and you want to be single again. I wouldn’t give him much detail either - just let him know you’re fine on your own.

I have an ex who earned twice what I did and he wanted lots of fancy holidays. I couldn’t keep up and so he then paid for a couple for me. When we split he threw that back at me. I didn’t throw back all the shopping, cooking etc I did for him and his expectation to treat my home like his - just saw myself as having a lucky escape.

WimpoleHat · 02/02/2023 07:50

I noticed he’s recently been following online content about women being out there to use men.

On this basis, run for the hills….. That’s your answer and it’s not a pleasant one.

FlowerArranger · 02/02/2023 07:53

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 02/02/2023 07:27

He begrudges your child a holiday. He is not a nice man.

THIS

CoffeeRightNow · 02/02/2023 07:54

Good guys don’t throw gifts and treats back in your face after the event.

His online interests are also disturbing.

Get away from this man. You’ve got a child, too, who doesn’t need some angry, woman hating arse in their life.

maryofthevirginkind · 02/02/2023 07:58

This won't end well. He's doesn't get to say how you spend your money.

Anotheanon · 02/02/2023 07:59

If this online stuff is recent it’s possible that he didn’t think this way last year. But he has now fallen down a rabbit hole which is likely to only get worse. I would get out now before it does.

picklemewalnuts · 02/02/2023 07:59

Provenza · 02/02/2023 07:44

I noticed he’s recently been following online content about women being out there to use men.
This is hurtful and I’m starting to have doubts if I want to be with a man who buys into this narrative.
We don’t live together. I’m financially independent and able to support myself and my child. I live within my means. I never asked for any money from him.

Yes, it's over then. He's rewriting the dynamic in his head, to make himself the victim.