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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Financial struggles

35 replies

Peaches8913 · 01/02/2023 12:13

I know it's hard to give advice on a situation like this, I just need to get it off my chest feel like I'm going to fall apart otherwise. Partner and I been together for 10+ years, we have 2 children together, since the living crisis we are really struggling. He lost his job roughly 1 year ago, and has been applying regularly. I work 35 hours per week and we don't claim anything he doesn't want to sign on. I'm in the process of having another job interview next week for evening hours which would be an extra 25 hours apprx, I can't help but resent him I won't have any time for my children while he gets to sit on his arse and not appreciate being with them. If I don't do this we can't afford to live, I just want to cry most times he doesn't understand the pressure I'm under trying to support my family and maintain a home.

OP posts:

ArthurScargillsgingerpube · 01/02/2023 12:20

He needs to man the fuck up. Too proud to sign on yet too lazy to get a job (there are literally hundreds of unfilled vacancies at the moment). Might not be the job of his dreams but at least he would be earning. Give the lazy bastard an ultimatum.

Moonlightsonatas · 01/02/2023 12:22

So you’re going to do 60 Hours a week and he does nothing? He should be the one applying for evening hours. You’d be better off if you kicked him out and applied for UC yourself.

category12 · 01/02/2023 12:28

He needs to sign on.

I would not entertain doing a 60 hr week to enable him to continue as he is, while able-bodied and capable of working. He needs to be doing everything possible to get a job, signing on and applying for anything.

Couldn't he be doing something like parcel delivery if nothing else?

Don't step up to take his slack - either he moves out or he gets a job.

80s · 01/02/2023 12:33

If it was just you and the children you were supporting, would you have to take on a second job still?
Does he have family? Do they know about this situation?

Watchkeys · 01/02/2023 12:34

If he's happy for you to do 2 jobs whilst he brings nothing in, leave him. He's in no way concerned about your wellbeing or welfare. Don't demonstrate to your kids that this is a viable household; they may well replicate you or him as adults, so unless you want that for them, you need to make a change.

LeavesOnTrees · 01/02/2023 12:39

and we don't claim anything he doesn't want to sign on.

This is what stood out to me. Why does he not want to claim anything?
He should be the one applying for the evening job, any job. I agree with a PP he needs to man up.

I think you need to tell him you won't be doing the extra 25 hours and he needs to pull himself together and get out there.

MrsMoastyToasty · 01/02/2023 12:43

He should sign on so that he continues to accrue credits towards his state pension. If he signed on today he would only get credits going forward.

meganmc0301 · 01/02/2023 12:44

Honestly I would kick him to the kerb. As other people have said- he's the one that should be applying for evening work to try and help you out. You'll only end up burning yourself out.
I know it's easier said than done but seriously you'd be much happier in the long run. If he's not willing to get up of his arse and support his own partner and children it doesn't say much about him.

TellerTuesday · 01/02/2023 12:46

Nope sorry OP you need to show him the door. That is absolutely ludicrous that you would take on a second job when he's been unemployed for year. The has never been so many jobs available as there is currently, yes it might not be his dream job but anything is better than nothing when you need the money coming in. Absolutely do not apply for the second job until he is in full time employment. People like this boil my piss!!

category12 · 01/02/2023 12:46

MrsMoastyToasty · 01/02/2023 12:43

He should sign on so that he continues to accrue credits towards his state pension. If he signed on today he would only get credits going forward.

Yes, good point, he'll be missing a year towards his state pension already.

Peridot1 · 01/02/2023 12:49

Is he totally stupid? Does he not realise he is risking his future pension?

shropshire11 · 01/02/2023 13:22

The job market in the UK is desperately short of workers. It’s fair enough that he had a few months to find something close an ideal job. But after a year, it’s time for him to pursue a stopgap role.

You have to stand up for yourself here. It’s also the kinder thing to do for him, because being unemployed for that long is not good for anyone.

lamaze1 · 01/02/2023 13:34

No self respecting man would do this especially if they even had an ounce of care for their partner.

Also, let me guess you're doing the majority of things in the house (cooking cleaning etc) and childcare?

I suspect he hasn't been putting in that much effort job hunting. Regardless at this point beggars can't be choosers.

He signs on or gets out. You're meant to be a team and he is massively letting you and your kids down. Don't let your kids grow up aspiring to emulate a deadbeat. You and they deserve better.

Danikm151 · 01/02/2023 13:40

He has a responsibility to your family to do a joint UC claim with you.
that will provide a safety net whilst he looks for a job.
it may also actually help with his job search

Dacadactyl · 01/02/2023 13:42

This is not a man in my eyes but a useless layabout.

He needs to get a job tomorrow...like literally anything.

Original poster

Peaches8913 · 01/02/2023 13:44

@80s I would more than likely get by if it was just me and the children, I definitely wouldn't need to get the second job

OP posts:

Original poster

Peaches8913 · 01/02/2023 13:46

He is definitely fussy when it comes to signing on, he just wants me to wait all the time that something will come up. But he's also in a depressive state because of no luck with job hunting

OP posts:

Original poster

Peaches8913 · 01/02/2023 13:48

I think it's going to appointments that bother him and I work every week day so I couldn't go to the appointments I've debated just making the claim for joint claim but it's the worry of him not doing his part

OP posts:

80s · 01/02/2023 13:51

He can't reasonably expect you to work 60 hours a week.
You don't have many choices thanks to his behaviour.
Does he have family he could live with? "Dh, I can't afford to support you, you're going to have to go and live with your parents until you find a job."

Original poster

Peaches8913 · 01/02/2023 13:54

@lamaze1 I won't deny that I do most of the childcare when I'm home and cleaning, he will cook. I'm already burnt out without getting another job or worrying about coming back to a disgusting home. We've already spoke about all these things I'm saying but with him being in a depressive state he doesn't care imo

OP posts:

category12 · 01/02/2023 13:58

FGS don't take a second job, it'll just enable him.

Have a 'come to Jesus' talk.

If he's depressed, he needs to get treatment.
He needs to apply for jobs, and not be fussy. He needs to take anything that is offered, even if it's just a stop-gap.
In the meantime, he needs to be bringing something in by signing on.
He needs to be doing all these things, not you doing it for him.

Original poster

Peaches8913 · 01/02/2023 13:59

@80s his mom wouldn't take him in because of this, I actually did attempt to split but he really has no where else to go but I can't be punished for his laziness. I struggle to bring all this stuff up again because he gets emotional then I'm the bad guy that's demanding things that hes already working on

OP posts:

80s · 01/02/2023 14:03

Would his mum take him to the doctor and these appointments?

You're not the bad guy, so you can ignore those comments with a clear conscience. And sometimes a person has to fall to their lowest point before they will start doing something about it. You throwing him out could be what turns his life around. It would certainly turn your life around. "You're leaving me with no other choice", on repeat.

80s · 01/02/2023 14:05

And yes, you're already enabling him.

caringcarer · 01/02/2023 14:11

Has he even spied for jobs? Or is he too comfortable living off of you.

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