Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bad boys

47 replies

strof · 31/01/2023 16:27

Would any of my learned female members care to explain this concept.
I will explain I had a date with a woman I met on tinder we both agreed it went very well. We were together 7 hrs drinking chatting laughing and at her discretion a passionate snog session at the end of the night.

All good next day she sent me a message saying she had a fantastic time. I'm a great bloke she thought I was a good looking lad.but chemistry wasn't right.

Not a problem no hard feelings we had only just met but I had been chatting a lot on line and we were at ease .
She messaged me a week later saying she knows I'm a good catch but she prefers bad boys .
I know my ex dated a bad boy who dealt in drugs beat her up and even held her hostage .ex said to me once that sometimes women preferred bad boys .
Please explain this bad boy concept. This boy is confused 😕

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 31/01/2023 16:32

some people thrive on danger and excitement and are addicted to the mind games. It’s not healthy and it’s stupid, but that’s how some people are.

a bad boy doesn’t necessarily mean an abuser though.

Arguelikeagrownup · 31/01/2023 16:34

She's just not that into you.

Warspite · 31/01/2023 16:40

You were fun whilst the 7 hours lasted but a bit too vanilla for her.
She likes a bit more spark, teasing maybe, banter, excitement? Who knows? You can spend your life wondering but when it’s right you know it’s right.
Shes just that not into you. Let it go. Move on.

Original poster
strof · 31/01/2023 16:42

Arguelikeagrownup · 31/01/2023 16:34

She's just not that into you.

Not a problem .she saw fit to contact me again and we are chatting once more .I told her if she wasn't feeling it there wasn't much point .but we are still friends and make each other laugh.

OP posts:
Original poster
strof · 31/01/2023 16:48

Warspite · 31/01/2023 16:40

You were fun whilst the 7 hours lasted but a bit too vanilla for her.
She likes a bit more spark, teasing maybe, banter, excitement? Who knows? You can spend your life wondering but when it’s right you know it’s right.
Shes just that not into you. Let it go. Move on.

No I'm not wondering or particularly bothered. I just wanted to talk generally from a female perspective

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 31/01/2023 16:57

@strof I think sometimes if someone is used to a bad boy, they are used to the ups and downs of being with someone like that. So someone “normal” may seem a little boring to them even though it’s not boring, it’s just what a healthy relationship should be like.

Original poster
strof · 31/01/2023 17:09

Shapemyeyebrows · 31/01/2023 16:57

@strof I think sometimes if someone is used to a bad boy, they are used to the ups and downs of being with someone like that. So someone “normal” may seem a little boring to them even though it’s not boring, it’s just what a healthy relationship should be like.

Thanks for the replies .we agreed we both had great time. We are friends and perhaps I should get her to explain more .
I did send her a video clip of the song bad boys when she contacted me last night .she thought it was very funny.
Once again thanks for the replies

OP posts:
BreviloquentBastard · 31/01/2023 17:11

She needs therapy, basically.

5128gap · 31/01/2023 17:18

Unfortunately many of the traits associsted with 'bad boys', confidence, sassertiveness bordering on aggression, ability to 'take care of themselves', feared or looked up to by similar males, are very close to those of the alpha male.
In our society certain characteristics are seen as hyper masculine and therefore to be desired by women. This sometimes gets skewed and the bad boy is seen as strong and powerful and the good guy weak and passive.

Original poster
strof · 31/01/2023 17:26

5128gap · 31/01/2023 17:18

Unfortunately many of the traits associsted with 'bad boys', confidence, sassertiveness bordering on aggression, ability to 'take care of themselves', feared or looked up to by similar males, are very close to those of the alpha male.
In our society certain characteristics are seen as hyper masculine and therefore to be desired by women. This sometimes gets skewed and the bad boy is seen as strong and powerful and the good guy weak and passive.

Interestingly I once dated a woman whose ex husband fitted that model .he would attack other blokes if he saw them as a rival to his wife's affections.she became tired of it and his affairs .

But in my conversations with her she seemed to continually talk about violence in one form or another .

OP posts:
Weekenders · 31/01/2023 17:41

She let you know at an early stage that she wasn't a suitable match, which is to be commended. That's the only relevant thing from your pov, so I wouldn't bother with the amateur psychology.

There's clear blue water between what she's looking for and the type of man who'll be a pen pal to a woman who has already rejected him. I'd wish her well and move on.

ZaphodDent · 31/01/2023 18:01

What kind of relationship were you both considering? People looking for something casual are less likely to find "nice" partners interesting. Those looking for something serious and long term are less likely to want a bad boy.

Original poster
strof · 31/01/2023 18:09

ZaphodDent · 31/01/2023 18:01

What kind of relationship were you both considering? People looking for something casual are less likely to find "nice" partners interesting. Those looking for something serious and long term are less likely to want a bad boy.

I will ask her directly why she has recontacted next time we speak

OP posts:
Cece92 · 31/01/2023 18:17

If it's an consolation @strof these type of men 'bad boys' really aren't everyone's cup of tea. I have been using a dating app and I'd much prefer to talk to someone funny and have a laugh, someone down to earth. Xx

MrLbz · 31/01/2023 18:20

Its a strange one given the snog.

It is quite easy to come across as not very honest or genuine if you're a naturally nice respectful guy. After all, this is a date, you a man and she is a woman. If you didn't find her attractive you wouldn't be there so she knows you want to have sex with her.

However it sounds like you did escalate and things ended on a good note.

Could too much chatting online before have reduced the tension maybe?

Anyway, since she now seems to be keeping you as an orbiter, you would do better to cut contact. She might even come back for something romantic if you make it clear you have options and aren't going to hang around.

Winemygoodenemy · 31/01/2023 18:35

I am a reformed bad boy dater - the ones you couldn’t pin down and left you wondering. Not the drug taking violent ones.

I thrived off the excitement of the chase. Does he want me, does he like me, drama of the relationship. Sounds stupid now. Did some work on myself and realised I liked the chase, banter and suppose games. I am a nice , responsible and out of relationship sane person.

current DP is not a bad boy. I got confused with him being honest that he likes me and his straightforward view on relationships. It made me anxious that he was too good to be true. I was always waiting on a drama or him playing games. He is normal, no guessing he loves me and he treats me well. Realised if it was this easy it was me that was the issue. Now relaxed and in the best relationship ever.

TicketBoo23 · 31/01/2023 18:46

She messaged me a week later saying she knows I'm a good catch but she prefers bad boys.

If she's telling the truth, you should look for a woman who is more emotionally healthy and mature.

What's the point of being friends with her, unless you're very keen to have more friends and friendship is truly what you're after from her? Even for friendship, a bad boy dater is not even go to be a great female friend.

For relationship advice in general, I'd recommend someone like Corey Wayne. He's unfortunately gone done the antivax route and can occasionally be a bit sexist but overall I think his relationship advice is good for men.

TicketBoo23 · 31/01/2023 18:47

*not even going to be a great female friend

TicketBoo23 · 31/01/2023 18:48

In general I agree that alpha traits and "bad boy" traits get confused in peoples' minds.

TicketBoo23 · 31/01/2023 18:50

We were together 7 hrs drinking chatting laughing and at her discretion a passionate snog session at the end of the night.

This is also too long for a date (especially a first date). Unless youve gone home to spend the night together I suppose.

Original poster
strof · 31/01/2023 18:50

Cece92 · 31/01/2023 18:17

If it's an consolation @strof these type of men 'bad boys' really aren't everyone's cup of tea. I have been using a dating app and I'd much prefer to talk to someone funny and have a laugh, someone down to earth. Xx

Oh I can make my matches laugh alright they all say that. I'm funny. There's hope yet for us guys who eat quiche olives and tell their grandkids bedtime stories 🤣.
I prefer to see myself as an all rounder that can do the lot really

OP posts:
Original poster
strof · 31/01/2023 18:51

TicketBoo23 · 31/01/2023 18:46

She messaged me a week later saying she knows I'm a good catch but she prefers bad boys.

If she's telling the truth, you should look for a woman who is more emotionally healthy and mature.

What's the point of being friends with her, unless you're very keen to have more friends and friendship is truly what you're after from her? Even for friendship, a bad boy dater is not even go to be a great female friend.

For relationship advice in general, I'd recommend someone like Corey Wayne. He's unfortunately gone done the antivax route and can occasionally be a bit sexist but overall I think his relationship advice is good for men.

Cheers will check j that out

OP posts:
Original poster
strof · 31/01/2023 18:54

MrLbz · 31/01/2023 18:20

Its a strange one given the snog.

It is quite easy to come across as not very honest or genuine if you're a naturally nice respectful guy. After all, this is a date, you a man and she is a woman. If you didn't find her attractive you wouldn't be there so she knows you want to have sex with her.

However it sounds like you did escalate and things ended on a good note.

Could too much chatting online before have reduced the tension maybe?

Anyway, since she now seems to be keeping you as an orbiter, you would do better to cut contact. She might even come back for something romantic if you make it clear you have options and aren't going to hang around.

Yes ended on a good note.i said to her when she recontacted it was a moment in time. No hard feelings whatsoever

OP posts:
LynneBenfield · 31/01/2023 18:57

What are “quiche olives”?

UpUpAndAwol · 31/01/2023 18:58

Potentially had these types of men in her life before. The violence if it’s perceived to be not within the relationship can be viewed as a form of protection. That he will be tough enough to look after her and ironically stand up to the men in her life (fathers, brothers, exes) who are already like that

Swipe left for the next trending thread