How much communication do you need ?

[Livelifelaughter]

Am in mid 50s. Have been dating a guy the same age for 6 plus months. We talk every day on the phone, see each other twice to three times a week and stay the night. We have had 3 weekends away.He has been separated 3 years from his wife and are divorcing. When we are together it's really lovely, he goes out of his way for me, meets me at my office we have lots of physical intimacy and we talk about lots of personal things, ....but he barely messages me during the day and I hate it, it makes me feel anxious. I know he likes to have space and has self confessed commitment issues, he isn't someone who finds it easy to talk about feelings. Maybe I am reading too much or putting too much weight on just this aspect of messages... would it bother you?

He sounds great. You talk everyday as it is on the phone... text is often functional for people. If everything else is good why stress over not using text? You use the phone, see each other often and he sounds attentive when you are together.

It would be a huge relief to me. I dated a constant communicator and it was really stressful. The phone was always pinging and I felt continuously under pressure to stop what I was doing and to answer texts.

The new guy is early days but we chat once or twice a week on the phone, meet up once a week and text in the morning and then once or twice in the evening. Sometimes we exchange a message at lunchtime but there’s no pressure to answer if one or other of us is busy. This is the right answer for me.

You need to talk to your guy about the right level for you but you may both need to compromise.

I've been with my boyfriend around 18 months.

We spend from Wed- Sun together when he goes home because we jwve our own hobbies Mon and Tues and we do a hobby together on weds.

Other that that, we message every morning and evening and occasionally once at lunchtime.

We also message to let the other know when we're going out and when we're back - including if we'll be late for any reason even if wee not together. Not sure why that one happened though - he started it!

We don't chat through the day though.

We never talk on the phone.

I don’t message my husband during the day when I’m in the office or he’s in the office unless there’s a specific reason to message him - we message more if he’s away for a weekend or I am but don’t usually message him day-to-day

It's sounds fine to me but you sound very needy.

What would you want him to message about? I mean, you speak everyday on the phone and see him quite a lot, what is there to say over text? You don't live together so its not like you are telling each other you will be home late for dinner, or asking the other to pop into the shop on their way home.

You're really overthinking this. Hopefully it's just to do with the first rush of being with someone new.

But right from the start my DH made it clear that when at work he wouldn't be available to "chat" Not that I'd want to, but it suited us both even though at first I was desperate to have any kind of contact from him.

We have a very solid relationship and even now 25+ years on neither of us would dream of messaging or phoning for the sake of it during a work day. But if one of us is away we can still have long chats on the phone or messaging in the evenings.

He worked with someone who would phone his wife early am to check she was awake (fine) but then half an hour later to see what she was up to. Then mid morning, then lunchtime... it made us both absolutely cringe. The conversations were so bland and meaningless.

Make the most of what you have now, don't spoil it for the sake of some pointless contact.

I find the need for constant banal texting absolutely excruciating.

Thank you, this is good solid advice.

Thank you! He is great, I am just a bit clingy I think.

Good points! Thank you

I'm your age and have been doing the same thing but for 6 years, not 6 months. Last texted my dp yesterday lunchtime to ask how a doctor's appt went, have not spoken or texted since. That's about typical. Neither of us is big on chitchat I guess; we only get in touch if we have something to say or are e.g. having a stressful day.

Was with my exh before Whatsapp took off, and we met before anyone even had a mobile phone. We never got in the habit of regular contact - he'd go off on business meetings for 5 days and we'd only speak in that time if a plan had changed. He'd send a postcard, though :) Funny how things have changed.

Thank you. I think I am more a chit chat person. I think in the first month or so of meeting we would message more but then it tailed off...I am quite emotionally high maintenance.

We have been an item for over thirty 30th years ... so it works to some extent. I would like a lot more communication. DH is happy to go hours, even days without actually saying anything

He is reasonably happy for me to chat but as I've got older I'm more interested in conversation. I suppose I really manage it with a collection of friends, some of whom are also colleagues, walking friends or friends from other hobbies. I always look out for people who like to chat on text and post at log on MN

Chatting makes me happy, so I chat to whoever replies. If I relied in DH for this aspect of my life, it would not be enough for my needs and preference.

@FinallyHere that is very good advice for the OP.

I am also a chatter - currently only dating and not in a relationship. I meet my communication needs (and chatting is a need for me) with my friends, colleagues and family.

You say you’re quite emotionally high maintenance - I would say extremely high maintenance if you need texts in addition to all the other together time and communication that’s going on. It sounds like you want proof that he thinks of nothing and no-one but you at all times. That’s not healthy, OP. In his shoes, I would find that stifling and unattractive.

You should not worry about the things. You are talking in phone and you also know many personal things about him. I think you are thinking too much about it.

Just to clarify, you want messaging throughout the day and to speak on the phone every day? That’s rather a lot for most people.

Do you have much else going on in your life, OP? Job, hobbies, family, social life?

I think you're right and sometimes I post on MN just to get a stark honest opinion, so thank you.

Well here's the irony, lots... well respected job, heaps of friends, hobbies etc...I haven't been in a relationship for a long time and I have been so lucky to find an adorable man that I am over thinking everything!

He sounds lovely, but you should find someone who meets your needs, unless you want to keep feeling anxious a lot.

Have you told him you feel anxious when he doesn't contact you? If so, how did he respond? If not, what is it that stops you?

I think because he makes such an effort when he is with me, I think it's asking perhaps a bit too much. I also want him to contact me because he wants to not because he feels an obligation.

So, you're invalidating your own needs whilst wanting him to meet them without you telling him what they are.

And you have time for messaging all day and daily phone calls? I’m genuinely not understanding how. If you’ve a day full of meetings (just an example, not sure if meetings are any party of what you do), when do you fire off these texts? And why?

If you’re out for dinner with friends, or in the middle of book club (random hobby example), do you step away and ring him?

Unless something is sacrificed, the level of contact you want isn’t really practical for most people with busy lives. I would find it hugely onerous and I’d also question why anyone required that much contact.

This isn’t to say your needs are wrong or that the chap who will give you this level of attention doesn’t exist. However, he’s unlikely to be a man with much else going on.

If you don’t live together then I think it is ok to expect more messaging and phone calls - as you’re not seeing each other every morning/evening etc

we text each other every morning , also throughout the day when possible and in the evening too , followed by a phone call if not seeing each other

that may be a lot for some people but it works for us . You have to find what works for you .