relationship with my mother

[KacyB]

OK, I have a bit of a problem here...

I am now 23/24 weeks pregnant and have still not told my mother...

I am 35, married (happily) and solvent... so no obvious reason she's going to go ballistic...

But, I just can't face the drama / panic / trauma the idea of one of her babies actually having a baby is going to induce...

she calls me everyday and starts every conversation with 'Is everything alright?'. Today I answered 'no' (just being sarcastic) and I thought the woman would have a heart attack!

She is very highly strung, but doesn't mean to be, and does mean well, she really does.

I know I have to tell her soon, as she is going to be really sad and disappointed that I haven't told her (and, given I talk to her everyday, have been lying) which is another whole drama-moment in itself...

I am really thinking of just sending her a card of my sonogram with a note that says 'please don't freak out, but this is your grandson'...

Anyone got any ideas or been through anything similar? Obviously, I don't actually see her that much (Master Bump is pretty noticeable now!)

She really does mean well, and I don't want to upset her or hurt her feelings, but neither do I want her to go into overdrive because SHE feels I can't cope (She doesn't believe I can cope with everyday life, never mind a baby! She freaked out when I bought a pet, so I can't imagine what her reaction here will be!!

Thanks!

Just a thought but maybe you could make a point of sitting down with her, telling her(in case she hasn't acually noticed.....), give her, say, an hour to fret and fuss and then leave.
Poor woman- anxiety can be very disabling-is that the problem? Or is she a drama queen?
Attention -seeker?
Bottom line you have to tell her-I assume you don't actually see her often!

No, I don't see her that often... Haven't seen her since November 07... I live MILES away from my family.

So, no, she hasn't noticed...

I'm going to have to tell her over the phone or by letter....

take a deep breath and out with it.
congralations by the way.
fingers crossed she will be fine.
will she around between now and the birth, or immediately after the birth?

In that case, she can be managed by judicious use of caller ID and an ansaphone!
My old granny used to be a worrywort-my Mum used to just lie to her! By the time we were all having babies, she'd announce a pregnancy at about 8 months and Grandma would fret away intensively for 4 weeks or so then bingo! World's shortest pregnancy! Kind of what you're doing I guess but my grandmother was in her 80s and gently dementing by then!

Whatever you do, don't tell her the date the baby's due! Give her a date about 2 weeks later.
My mum is not highly strung, but drove me round the twist ringing up every single farking day after the due date, asking if 'there was any news'!

Thanks, Slarty. (good name!)

I AM really pleased, but my mother says over and over again that she wouldn't have had kids and she's made it clear she'd prefer if her kids didn't have kids...

I think she really does suffer from very bad anxiety, she worries about everything and if she doesn't have any thing to worry about, she worries about the things she doesn't know about that she ought to be worrying about... yes... really!!!!

I'd like for her to be involved and be about, but as a grandparent... what is more likely to happen is that she wades right into the middle and tries to control everything.

when she does come down to see me, she brings her own food (mine isn't ever right) and refuses to eat anything unless she's cooked it (because she's the mum) and she'll do whatever chores she feels like (which I appreciate she's trying to be kind) even if we've asked her not to.........

ARGH!!!

are you worried {grin}

Try not to worry, I'm sure she will be fine. My mum really surprised me with the calmness with which she took the news, she is so delighted to have a grandchild that I think she overlooks the fact that I am unable to look after myself in her opinion.
You are a grown up, as you say, in the best possible position to have a baby. Think rationally about what she will say, and how you will refute this.
Im guessing that you dont see her much; why not send her the card with your sonogram and make a special trip to see her to talk to her about it.
I always felt that my mum never accepted that I was grown up, and announcing my pregnancy was really scary because I somehow felt that she would react in the same way as she would have if I had done so aged 15 or something. Since having my baby I have worked on changing my relationship with my mum, and trying to not care so much what she thinks/expects of me.
Try to make this a start of a new, more honest relationship with your mum, I guess this is not the first thing you have not told her/played down because you dont want to worry her.
It will be difficult, but the longer you leave it, the worse it will get.

Thanks, thingy...

You hit the nail on the head...

My mother has never accepted I've grown up and I do feel she'll react not much better than if I were a single, unemployed 15YO (actually, she'd be right about the unemployed bit, because I will be by the time the baby is born! )

How about I send her the card and then I go and see her for mothers day?

And, no, it's far from the first time I've toned stuff down or simply not mentioned it at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, lots of posts while I wrote that. Still, if she drives you nuts when she comes to stay, dont let her. Go to see her, then shes in control and you can just leave when you want to. Be rough with her. Say that you feel hurt that your food/house/life are not good enough for her. Tell her to stop washing the kitchen floor and keep telling her until she stops. You say that she has anxiety, but you are a 35 year old woman who is too scared to tell your mother something that you think she would disapprove of. You are going to be a mother and you are going to have to stand your ground.
Sorry if that sounds unsympathetic, but I am currently on a high from doing this with my mother, and I cant tell you how good it feels not to be worrying about her reactions.
Has she got any other grandchildren or are you the first ?

Did it again. Yes, it sounds like a great idea about the card and mothers day. Is your husband supportive and would he go with you?
Good luck with everything, I hope telling her goes well, and I hope that your pregnancy is happy and healthy
and sorry if I have been rude to you.

Please - I don't think you are being unsympathetic at all... I asked for the advice and I know that I need it.

No, she doesn't have any other grandchildren.

I'm going to send the card tomorrow. As you say, the longer I leave it, the worse it'll get, and anyway, I really can't leave it much longer, can I???????????

How did you get your mum to listen? I've tried everything - shouting / sulking / discussing / reasoning... The woman will just NOT listen. And she has an answer for EVERYTHING.

Kacy, good luck with telling your Mum. I cannot emphasise enough DO NOT tell her when the baby is actually due - three weeks later would be a good date to mention, then if you actually do go two weeks overdue you will have a bit of time on hand. My mum and MIL both rang me every day for the last couple of weeks and they were relatively laidback compared to how you describe your mum.

I remember how freaked I was about telling my parents.. Ok circumstances a bit different, I was not in a relationship with DS dad, not solvent, etc but I was 39 and I sort of knew that after about 30 seconds of 'oh you silly girl' it would all turn to 'yippee we're going to be grandparents' (they had given up hope of that). But going to visit with card & scan pic sounds like a good plan.

Dont think my mum is as bad as yours, I just state my case calmly, and keep saying the same thing over and over. I think that its as much my attitude change that has made me feel better. Tell her that you are sorry that she feels like that but that (repeat whatever you were saying). Say "It make me feel (x) when you say (y). And dont be afraid of giving her a shock, it wont kill her, dont be unkind, just very firm.
Now get that card written and make sure that you post it tomorrow.

My Mum sounds quite similar to yours! We told her and Dad in a pub over a meal. They were so shocked (I was also 35 but still an incompetent child in their eyes) that they barely acknowledged what we'd said and carried on talking about property prices, (my Dad did then proceed to get quite drunk). Mum was surprisingly quiet about the whole thing then until about a month before DS was born when she did the anxious ringing thing a lot with (for eg), "BUT THE BABY WILL BE BORN SOON WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T GOT A COT YET?" type query.
That said, they have been the most wonderful grandparents (generally) and I've managed somehow to surpass their (very low) expectations of my being a mother.
Could you say you got the dates mixed up/ didn't realise/ had to wait until after the 21 week scan? Or, more truthfully, 'didn't want her to have to worry until you knew everything was ok with the baby?' Good luck anyway!

"but my mother says over and over again that she wouldn't have had kids and she's made it clear she'd prefer if her kids didn't have kids..."

I don't think she means well at all actually, she is very bad/toxic for you. You are not to blame at all for her own life choices - she may have made some poor decisions but she needs to carry the can for that, not you. Am glad you have physical distance between you - this will help you.

Something is seriously amiss here relationship wise for you not to feel you can tell her about your pg till this late stage.

These toxic people always do have an answer for everything - if she was someone you could actually reason with you could have a sensible conversation. However, she is not - and never will be reasonable. Such people, particularly if they are narcissitic by nature, never change.

Your Mother also sounds toxic as well as narcissitic in nature; they could "control" you more when you were young but now you are adult and can make your own decisions such people do not like it one bit. She thus does not think you're capable of doing anything. Bringing her own food, doing chores you've not asked her to do are also indicative of such behaviours - she's basically saying that you're not good enough and never will be in her eyes.

I think as well you should take a look at the "well we took you to stately homes" thread, it may help you. I would also recommend you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as well as reading that particularly thread mentioned above. Many of the women on there also have narcissitic and or controlling mothers.

Do not visit this woman - she will be in complete control if you were to step into her house.

I hope this woman does shape up as a grandparent but I would not be entirely surprised to see that she was not.

Hi Kacy

I think we share the same mother...but yours seems much more worrying and controling in some ways re the food and worrying about worrying!

One word sprang to mind 'smothering'.

My mother and father had huge difficulty seeing me and my sister as adults. They would pay our bills if we asked, they would buy us heaps of presents for birthdays and xmas, cards from the pets like when we were children, offer to do household chores around our respective homes. I did not tell my family I was pg until I was 17 wks and secretly got married! I knew the baby would take the heat off my mother not being intimately involved in the wedding. She too hassled me, as I knew she would all through my pregnancy. It became 'her' pregnancy almost, my parents always worry and think about things, us adults with busier lives have moved on from, so for them my pregnancy was a gift of manna (I may have got a quote v wrong there!) the opportunity to worry without any resevation. My mother did not like the names we chose, did not want me to have a water birth (baby would drown), told me to check bath water before putting in the baby, check the room temperature, offered to be my birthing partner etc etc etc there was a constant pressure from her and my father to involve her with the pregnancy. All this when I have never spent large periods of time with my mother, out of choice, yet suddenly she was my best mate.

As to how to tell her...say you were worried (maybe wrong word there!) what her reaction would be. State what you would like from her, support, not worrying to you as this is an important time for you to be calm and stress free. Make it positive 'I would like you to' and maybe 'I would rather you didn't' etc. If this does not work (and you sound like you and I have had the same techniques!) come back and post...even on the stately homes thread Attila just mentioned...

Good luck, and let us know how it goes xx

Obviously you need to tell her and the longer you leave it the worse it will be! - If you speak to her on the phone everyday just take a deep breath and tell her that you have some great news next time you speak to her. Does she live very far away? if you haven't seen her since November then it seems unlikely that she will be popping round every 5 mins trying to control things. And if you don't want to speak to her then don't answer the phone - a friend of mine had a similar thing with her mum and ended up having counselling (long story) but basically the counseller made her realise that she wasn't able to change the way her mum was, but she could change the way she dealt with it herself - wise words imo.

Ally - thanks - it's nice to know I'm not the only one in this boat!

my parents, too, still help out financially, often even when they are not asked too (My mother cannot be in the same room with me for 5 minutes without giving me £50!!) that sounds really nice, and a lot of my friends will say they are envious, but the her real motivation is that, of course, I am so crap that I am obviously skint and therefore need her help...

Like you, I think my parents will wade into my pregnancy. They are EXTREMELY catholic and will have a view on EVERYTHING - from names to schools!!!!!!!!

I do appreciate that my mother wants to protect me from anything and everything, but I find it hard to explain to her that she's actually trying to protect me from things I want to experience..

Anyway, card is going in the post today, so I'll keep you posted on the fall out!!!!!!!!

Attila - It's not that I don't appreciate your point of viewm but I don't want to / am not ready to fall out with my mum in a big way, so doing things her way is something of a neccessity!

Thanks again for all your wise words and advice...

"Attila - It's not that I don't appreciate your point of viewm but I don't want to / am not ready to fall out with my mum in a big way, so doing things her way is something of a neccessity!"

Hi Kacy,

I think things will eventually come to a head between you and her. I sincerely hope otherwise but if she smothering or narcissitic these types are extremely difficult to deal with.

I have re-read my posting and haven't actually suggested you fall out with her at all - just not to visit her in her own home readily (I should have added that word). You would be under her full control in her house if you were to.

Doing things her way also unfortunately further reinforces her behaviours.

What's your Dad like to talk to?. Does he realise and or care about the extent of her behaviours?.

No, attila... you didn't suggest falling out with her, but not doing things her way leads to us falling out.

I'm going to have to go and see her sooner or later. If I don't, she'll just appear on my doorstep and / or we'll have a huge falling out.

Wil things come to a head? maybe.... And, yes, she is very difficult to deal with.

Since writing my first post about this, I've been thinking of all the things she's done which I haven't been happy about... She even once came and moved all my stuff out of my student house because she wanted me to move back home... I ended up losing touch with most of the guys I lived with because they all thought she was mad (and by default I was mad for going along with it... but I am not strong enough to stand up to her)

Unfortunately (for me!) my father and sister believe it's all perfectly normal and go along with it (my sister is nearly 40 and they continue to do everything for her, including making her meals and washing / ironing her clothes) so I'm very much seen as the one causing trouble. I did try to talk to my sister a couple of days ago, but she just repeats over and over again 'she's very good to us'... That's even MORE infuriating!!!

I suppose what's worrying me, deep down, is that IF she does decide to take over, that I won't have the strength to stop her... does that make sense? it's her way or the highway.

the most ironic thing of all is that, when she's telling you how crap you are and pointing out what a mess you are making of everything, she constantly tells you to 'grow up'.... GRRRRRR ARRGGHHH!!!!!!!!

Still, I am going to be brave and send the card today.
Thanks again.... Attila...

I think it's a brilliant idea to change due dates. My pil are controlling, difficult people and although ds came 3 weeks early last time and didn't have the phone calls checking on us, who knows when this baby will arrive, so to avoid any extra stress i think i will suggest to dh we change the dates.