relationship with my mother

[KacyB]

OK, I have a bit of a problem here...

I am now 23/24 weeks pregnant and have still not told my mother...

I am 35, married (happily) and solvent... so no obvious reason she's going to go ballistic...

But, I just can't face the drama / panic / trauma the idea of one of her babies actually having a baby is going to induce...

she calls me everyday and starts every conversation with 'Is everything alright?'. Today I answered 'no' (just being sarcastic) and I thought the woman would have a heart attack!

She is very highly strung, but doesn't mean to be, and does mean well, she really does.

I know I have to tell her soon, as she is going to be really sad and disappointed that I haven't told her (and, given I talk to her everyday, have been lying) which is another whole drama-moment in itself...

I am really thinking of just sending her a card of my sonogram with a note that says 'please don't freak out, but this is your grandson'...

Anyone got any ideas or been through anything similar? Obviously, I don't actually see her that much (Master Bump is pretty noticeable now!)

She really does mean well, and I don't want to upset her or hurt her feelings, but neither do I want her to go into overdrive because SHE feels I can't cope (She doesn't believe I can cope with everyday life, never mind a baby! She freaked out when I bought a pet, so I can't imagine what her reaction here will be!!

Thanks!

Yes, send the card with the scan pic.. it will be a lovely surprise

Hi Kacy,

Your mother does sound very controlling-
If not going to her house means that she will fall out with you then that tells me that you are going to be pushed to the end of your limits to make sure she's placated and happy. You will have to cater to her need throughout your pregnancy and after the birth.
But in fact this is your time. This pregnancy is about you, not her. But she will make it become about her. This is narcissism- to believe that other people's time and energy and choices are less important than your own. Your mother may even become sick around the time of your birth to make sure that you are focused on her instead of on yourself and your baby(like what is happening now to a girl the other thread) So whatever you do, do not give her the due date!!

Perhaps a pregnancy is not the right time for you to make changes in your relationship with her, but it depends how much you can take.I hope you can find a solution for yourself in all of this.

I have to say that nothing can prepare you for that feeling of vulnerability after you've had a baby, and people like your mother who you could just about deal with during a pregnancy, suddenly become intolerable to be around after you've given birth

Hi Kacy,

First of all, congratulations! Hope all goes well with the baby .

As for your mother - - even her own food?

Sadly, from what you've said about your relationship with your mother, I do think Attila is right about her being 'toxic' - and unfortunately things will probably get worse once ds is born. Once you've got a baby, it may help you to stand up to her - as you'll have to do a lot of 'standing up' to people over the years as your child grows. Doing things her way may keep the peace, but ultimately, will it keep you and your husband and child happy?

I hope your dh is supportive of you, since your father and sister can't see the problem and I'm afraid that confrontation will become inevitable unless you are happy to let yourself and your child be consumed by your mother.

www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html

Hi Kacy

The above is a website on NPD (Narcissitic personality disorder). You yourself will need support after pregnancy to help you deal with the realities of being a child now adult of narcissitic parents.

I would agree with all that Sakura has written.

The good thing is (unlike your sister and your Dad who has gone along with his wife's behaviours also to his detriment) you realise there is a fundamental problem, I also think you've been aware of this for a long time. Was not at all surprised to see that you Dad is in cahoots with her behaviours - he is either a bystander or narcissitic as well.

Would also suggest you read "When you and your Mother cannot be friends" written by Victoria Secunda.

Narcissists use everyone around them to keep themselves inflated. Often they find flaws in others and criticize them fiercely, as this further "distinguishes" them from those who are "defective." Repeatedly, in order to keep himself inflated, the narcissist has to control and dominate those that are around him; usually these are his immediate family members. There is not enough room for more than one correct viewpoint in the mind of a narcissist, unless that viewpoint is in agreement with his own. The narcissist does not really like others. Rather, others are used to reflect back the image he quite cleverly imposes on the world to keep his grandiosity inflated. This behavior of selling an image is to have people reflect, admire, applaud or even detest, in order to have the narcissist feel his existence. Because of their underlying need to be heard, narcissists often work their way to the center of their "circle," or the top of their organization, or community. They may strive to be part of the inner circle of friends, making sure that they do so at any cost. These patterns often get played out in social settings like a civic organization or club or synagogue. Indeed, they may be the mentor or guru for others. The second they are snubbed, however, they rage at their "enemy."

It is no laughing matter to have a parent who is narcissistic. The problem is that many people reared in homes with narcissistic parents in order to survive and avoid severe rejection and painful ridicule have had to put their own personalities on ice, seal them away in a deep freeze or else risk rejection.

Kacy- I was in your shoes 3 years ago (when pg with ds).

At 'that' time, and, 'in the name of keeping the peace' I allowed my mother to ride roughshod all over me.

She insisted on staying, being present at the birth, interfered in any choices I tried to make before, during and after. There was 12000 miles between us but that didnt stop her.

It was highly stressful and damaging.

This is unfortunately how this kind of/our kind of mother operates. It's not about you I'm afraid, it's 'all' about them.
I tell you this because the sooner you get your head around that truth the easier it will become to insulate yourself and protect yourself.

Atilla pointed out the same things a few months back as she has to you, and I now post regularly on the thread she mentioned.

I am pg with no 2

I came to the decision 'this' time it was about me, my family and the new baby.

I have employed most of the tactics already mentioned on here, not picking up the phone, not visiting her, and not allowing her to visit us. This may sound extreme to you now, but I have to put myself first this time. Mothers like ours are unable to put our needs before their own, and this wont change because you are pg.

Already this time I can honestly say, by comparison, I feel relaxed, happy and connected with my family by keeping her at bay.

You have to realise Kacy this 'isnt' love this is control. It isnt healthy at the best of times and certainly not whilst pg.

Im not saying this 'is' what you should do yourself, Im just giving you the benefit of my own hindsight.
Tell her by all means, but brace yourself...and keep posting for support, because there will be some fallout as a result (of your news). (((hug)))

Your mother's actions diminish you right back into a child role. You are invisible as an adult to her.

"Going along to keep the peace" can be considered along the lines of brainwashing youngsters who have been subjected to it for decades by their parents (or society?), thus it seems a reflex-[drone bug eyed emoticon]"must keep peace...must keep peace..."
There is nothing wrong with "peace", on the surface anyway...but there is a high price to pay. The payment is in your self-esteem, your vitality as an intelligent adult, your confidence to trust your own instincts in nurturing your child. And those are important, in case there was any doubt .

These feelings go very, very, very deep and are painful to reflect upon.
But you are aware of them, or you would not have posted, right?
It may be that you don't feel ready to face it, and that is ok.
Until you do, though, now or ten years from now (and some never face it ), your mother will keep you diminished (and the effect will not wear off when she becomes deceased either-from the grave influence is also powerful). This will affect your effectiveness as a parent.

The only superficial surface "patch" I can suggest for you is to learn to say "no", as suggested in an earlier post. You don't need to say "no" to everything, but I think you should definitely not say "yes" to everything. Do not have anxiety about the times you do not do what she says: Her reaction or response is her responsibility, not yours. And her reaction is not for you to solve or 'fix' either.
This can be a process that evolves over time, as someone else already posted-jelliebelly-it is up to you to manage the circumstances of her involvement with you and your baby. Your mother apparently does not have a sense of boundaries; it is time to set some boundaries. You may expect to have to continuously set them and adjust them as your child grows as well. It is hard to do at first, but you'll get the hang of it .

Hi Kacy,
Having reread the thread I'm now thinking I put a bit of a positive spin on my last post (and also that my Mum's not quite as difficult as yours), Must admit that I'm now a lone parent so have been relying on them quite a bit for childcare lately. Yes my mother's controlling, but my ex partner out controls her by 100 to 1 - and has been very abusive in the past - so am making the best choice that I can in asking my parents to help rather than him.
Well done for having survived your childhood well enough to be in a happy, loving relationship now - I haven't quite got there yet!
Oh, and I find caller ID very useful in cutting down on the incoming neurotic phone calls. Good luck x

caller ID... I wish!!

My mum needs to know where I am 24/7...

recently, she called while I was in the bath and I thought 'oh, sod it, I'll call her back in 10 minutes'

But, no... every time she rang off, she rang back IMMEDIATELY and then started alternating between my home number and mobile...

I might as well answer because she'll only work herself up into a frenzy if I don't and, god forbid, I actually told her I didn't answer the phone on purpose... What a horrid daughter would do that????????????

That's, urmm, a bit nuts. Think I would've have answered with the response "I"M IN THE BLOOMING BATH, MOTHER" (but hey, I'm 'highly strung'). Agree with previous posts about boundaries - but know it's really difficult.

Unplug phone, turn mobile off, relax and enjoy your bath!!

Honestly, I really don't like the sound of your mother - she sounds like she has MAJOR issues!

Kacy- can I ask how she responded when you moved away?

Hi Kacy

FOG = Fear Obligation Guilt

That is why you want to keep the peace.

And understandable so. Its very frighting to stand up to our parents. Especially at such a time. But I think you are having your 'realisation'. And when you have had that, there is no going back. Now is the time to assert yourself. Yes even pregnant. No now is not the best time in an ideal world. I was forced into a corner by my mother (verbally!) and had to 'come out' to her (never thought that saying would work with abuse too...) at 8 months pg. I was very angry and confused too. She was my mother and pregnancy was meant to be about me and my needs not hers. But it became all about her.

Keeping the peace will not work. The price you have to pay will be too high.

Setting boundries will set your mother up for a fall out with you, as you realise.

So do you pay for the peace with your mother with your self esteem, your self confidence, your happiness, your needs, your feelings?

Or if you stand up to her, you will still have unhappiness, but you will be keeping your self esteem, confidence, needs and feelings safe.

She cannot touch you or get near you if you don't want that. She is not godlike, she is an adult just like you and just like you would with any other harrassing adult, you can keep her away if you wish.

Gosh we're a doom and gloom lot from the stately homes thread... but you've hit a chord with us. TMSB and Smithfield are 20 days and 10 days away from giving birth and we're doing our protective bit. We've nearly all suffered the hysteria our mothers feel when we become pg/married and learnt from experience that they don't give a monkeys about our feelings and needs.

I'm sorry if my post is harsh but I feel strongly about pregnant ladies (or anyone else) keeping the peace because they think it will be easier. Its not worth the hurt it causes reabsorbing all the abuse over again. I really really hope you keep posting. No matter what you decide, we will support you on the stately homes thread. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, this is your life and you do what feels best for you and your bump.

allyxxx

Attila-excellent post (Thu 07-Feb-08 15:03:16) so well stated and concisely too. I am saving it to remind myself the happy generosity of the narcissistic one is entirely for the advancement of her own agenda, no matter how many people she has 'on her side' to deny the manipulation/control/power play.

Kacy...I think your mom's cash gifts are really her buying a license to own you. And, sorry to be so blunt, but she has you on a very short leash from your post regarding your interrupted bath and from 'MILES' away at that. Cut those apron strings ASAP. Easier said than done (the MILES will make it easier for you though) but you will not regret it. When you do it, I'm guessing you'll have the feeling of "Why didn't I do that years ago?"

Thankyou all for your advice!

TMSB... You are right, I also feel the money is a licence for her to 'have her say'..

Of course, none of this makes the actual 'doing' any easier, but at least it gives me the knowledge and confidence that I am doing the right thing.

THANKYOU!

What a positive post Kacy! So no need for me to rewrite mine again as I was thinking last night 'was I too harsh?'

Old saying will do for the money 'strings attached'. My mother wanted to pay for the pushchair. The strings being (mindreading this) she gets to push it as she bought it...

Do you feel like coming over to the 'other side' yet?

Support is important when/if you start setting boundries. Because we have all been there we won't even blink when her almost normal mother like behaviour is making you angry...we know how they can work. Like the fact they are Catholics Attila had it right with the 'good citizen' etc, some of us have parents like that on the other thread.

Honestly I do hope you can start setting boundries, it makes me angry to think of all the times I gave in to my family and the rightness of finally standing up to them (and the fear!).

kacy she sounds very like my mother - who loves her grandchildren, but can't stand her children being pregnant as she finds it too worrying or stressful. Unfortunately I have to tell her when I am pg as I see her fairly regularly. But it does make it very difficult, as I can't tell her any of my worries, because she makes them her problem. She could never be a birth partner (not that I would want her to be!). It does make it very stressful that she is so worried.

And like Sakura said, my mother was ill last time I had a baby - she visited me to help and then went to bed for 2 weeks - I was very upset with her at the time.

I found (like you have) that the longer you leave it to tell people, the more difficult it becomes. You just need to bite the bullet and tell her, and if she's anything like my mother, she will be devastated that you didn't phone her the moment you conceived .

My SIL has an almost identical mother/daughter situation and her getting pregnant brought alot of their issues to the surface, so I think even once you tell her, maybe get yourself prepared for things to bubble to the surface. Maybe you will have some kind of confrontation with her but I absolutely think it's about time that she isn't so pandered to (sounds like that's her favoured form of control)...she won't die if she doesn't get her own way, and you won't die if you stand up to her (you don't have to have a shouting match with her to do this). The fear of what might happen if you speak your mind or disagree is how she gets away with it. She knows you're scared and therefore gets her way. She behaves this way because she's scared herself and doesn't know how to handle her own fear. It's easy though for someone else to judge this situation and really difficult if you're the daughter being controlled and manipulated in this way...after all, you don't know any better. A professional who can offer complete support and an opportunity to look into this relationship and it's dynamics would be a great way to finding the strength that you say your lacking...you'll be amazed how having this child will also give you the strength to change things though. I think this is why having children is often such a catalyst for changing relationships, esp between mother and daughter.
In my SIL's case, she had a big confrontation over the phone and really put her foot down for the first time...there was a stand off and then her mum did alot of grovelling and has made huge efforts to improve their relationship. Good Luck!

Hi!

Well, my mum now knows..... Actually she's been MUCH better than I expected - hasn't demanded to move in with me for the next 18 years etc., etc.,!!!

She's super excited and seems to have made an inventory of maternity underwear in all leading stores and I am sure we will have some issues along the way, but I would like to thank everyone who gave me advice and the nudge I needed to get this sorted (or at least on the right track to being sorted!!!)

Thanks!!!

Oh and BTW, I did take your advice and put the DD back by 3 weeks... I thought that would buy me a bit of time, even though it seems now that we're heading for an elective caesarian!

Brilliant- real progress for both of you! x

Congrats! This has probably been repeated many times by others much more eloquent than me, but two rules to a balanced life with others (be they friends, family colleagues whoever):

You cannot change the way they are, only the way you repond to them.

You cannot change how someone feels towards you, only how you feel about the way they treat you.

In short there is no point hoping that at some major turning point in your life, major row etc they will see the error of their ways and change. You are the only one that can change.

Thanks!

titchy - you are right........ There is no point in arguing with my mum because she WON'T change.

I have really taken the advice on board though...

my mum said something about coming down, and she phrased it something like 'I don't want to be in the room with you' and I just laughed and made a big joke that she better not, because she's not invited!!!!!

Fight fire with fire, or whatever the phrase is. I really DON'T want to fall out with her, just for her to accept (I don't even care if she doesn't agree with them) boundaries!!