First argument and so scared I ruined it

[themissy7]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 months. It’s been wonderful… he’s so loving, kind, we have the best time together. We’ve had the odd bicker over tiny things but never anything of note.

He’s always been so happy and excited to see me, initiates conversation and meeting up, i know he always is wanting to speak to me even if we don’t / if we’re busy.

I know what I’m about to say might sound pathetic but I’m a huge worrier.

I have been feeling really anxious recently and sometimes I have anxious attachment. Today I got particularly upset because I’ve communicated to him that I really love little things like notes and little gifts. I had a really bad day today, and some bad news, and he was in my flat until he had to go to work - and he hadn’t left anything for me, so I got in a bit of a spiral how I always communicate my needs and I feel he doesn’t listen.

YES I know I was in the wrong and I’m not questioning that, but emotions were high.

Anyway, we both get a bit angry at each other over text, and he tells me that he’s never argued like that with a girlfriend (bearing in mind we didn’t say anything nasty) and that, he can’t believe he’s saying this because he always wants to talk to me, but he really needs an hour or two away from me. He said he’d never feel that way towards me.

I understand that people need space to cool off. But I’m a massive overthinker and I worry he’ll never see me the same way and this has ruined things.
How do people deal with the first arguments? Because I feel really sick and worried that even if we patch it up, it’s skewed his whole view of me? Is this realistic??

You got upset because he didn't leave you a note or gift? I think you're being unreasonable and a bit dramatic

If it’s ruined by one argument, then it wasn’t meant to be.

Where you say ‘He said he’d never feel that way towards me’ - that seems a bit odd. All he’s said is he wants an hour or two away from you - why is that a big deal, I don’t get it!

It was just feeling like a long string of not being listened to.

But anyway I recognise that - my question is how do I get past the horrible feeling of him never seeing me the same way

What as not perfect, who miscommunicates and gets things wrong sometimes?

The sooner the delusion of being perfect is broken the better - as it’s when you start to know each other begins.

Arguments in so.r form are a normal part of a relationship, the important part is if the way you each argue is compatible. It sounds like maybe this first argument has shown that you are compatible in the way you discuss things.

I think I just worry that his idea of me has been tainted

He might never see you the same way, that's a useful insight for him in working out if you are well matched.

If you are already feeling unheard then maybe this isn't the right relationship for either of you.

Surely, that was this Morning from the sounds of it. Has he been back in contact?

I think you both need to communicate with each other in a different way. I don't think he was wrong but it seems like he was more offended by what you were implying which was that he doesnt care.

Tbh is sounds quite heavy with alot of expectation this early on in the relationship from both of you. And, completely normal to cool down after an argument.

I'd slow things down and take a more measured approach in your expectations. A bf or gf shouldn't be made to feel like he/she needs to pander to you because you're feeling down.

For goodness sake put the armchair psychology book down and stop being so dramatic. You don't have 'anxious attachment' you have some annoying neediness that YOU have to deal with.

Just because you had a tricky morning it doesn't mean your bf has to pander to it. Have a word with yourself. Own your own emotions, learn how to comfort yourself like an adult .

Then speak to your boyfriend and apologise for being so needy and tell him you will sort it out.

Sorry.. it’s something I’ve always struggled with. Tried therapy and everything. Hard to change my mindset which is what I’m struggling with

A mindset is easy to change you have to actively choose to do so.

Can I ask how old you are? You sound very immature and he doesn't sound a hell of a lot better either.

Guess this is where you find out just how compatible you both are.

Has he been in contact?

I think it was Chris Rock who said when we first meet someone we don't meet them, but their representative. What matters isn't that you had a tiff, what matters is how you deal with it. If he's asked for a couple of hours to cool off, hold back, get involved in something else, and then you can both approach it with a cooler head

I get you. Best thing is back off a bit, don't message him and be extraordinarily calm, confident and dignified. This will negate some of the bad feeling towards you (hopefully!). Change your approach - neediness is never attractive. Oh I think YWBU with the note/gift thing.

You’ve been together 7 months and start by raving about how great it all is, so how long have you been feeling he doesn’t listen to you?

Apologise for being unreasonable. Someone being able and willing to admit to bad behaviour, and apologise for it, is a lovely big green flag that might possibly make him forget the red ones you've been flapping in his face.

You love notes and gifts, but he can't be expected to leave you them every time he's about, and your bad day was nothing to do with him, and not something he could predict and plan for.

OP - he shouldn’t see you the same way.
You are at the point of your relationship where the very early image of the person you are dating - which is largely based on a fantasy/hormones surge; and your expectation of what you want that person to be; and what you want him to see of you; +best behaviour on both sides - finally starts morphing into the real you&him. As it’s impossible to be on best behaviour or change yourself too much for a long time.

So - your mask has slipped and you let the need and immature you slip out. But it’s who you are and he will need to be able to see/deal with it if this relationship continues.
He may or may not be as excited about the more ‘real’ picture of you as compared to the image he formed in his head so far.
But it’s a normal phase in any relationship.

As to you - with him or anyone else really - I think you need to work more on yourself. It’s fine to express to someone that you like certain things - notes, etc. We like what we like. But feeling entitled and putting expectations on our partners is a whole different thing.
It doesn’t work like this. He isn’t your counsellor, ‘picking you up’ isn’t his job. And certainly - getting in a huff over his perceived lack of meeting your needs is just purely self-absorbed and childish.

You had a bad day. He didn’t leave you a love note/gift at your house so you had an argument with him?

That’s not an anxious attachment style. That’s needy and ridiculous.

Perfection is crazy. You need to know the real yous, it's healthy to argue and disagree - if you never want him to see you as anything but perfect that's not a real relationship

To be honest you sound like a princess

You are being needy and childish.
If I was him I'd see a huge red flag in this relationship and possibly decide it wasn't for me.

When I read your post, I suddenly remembered this article about how to self-soothe if you have anxious attachment. It helped me a lot.
It's important to realise that your partner's need to take some space could be the equivalent of your need for closeness and reassurance after an argument. If you have opposite styles you might have these opposite ways of coping and each can seem hurtful or overwhelming to the other. Your overanxious need for romantic reassurance could feel overwhelming to someone who has a more secure attachment style.

risingwoman.com/healing-anxious-attachment-abandonment-wound/

I’ve communicated to him that I really love little things like notes and little gifts

How old are you?
What steps have you taken to try and grow up?
What techniques are you using to stop yourself before you say something stupid or something that is not in your best interest?

Sorry, that wasn't answering your question. I think it's true that after the first argument we see a different side of each other in a relationship, but that by making any apologies that might be necessary and showing willing to adapt (within healthy boundaries) to one another, you can show another new side of you that should be a positive.

Also, we don't know how bad the OP's day and bad news were, nor how empathic her partner was. I hope the bad stuff gets better and that you're ok, OP.

You are relying completely on external sources for validation, comfort and reassurance - you were doing this when you needed the notes. You're doing this now with "how he sees you". You have to address this - nobody can "fix" your day for you - yes, you should be able to offload to a partner and help each other through it, but you've got to rely on you. Also, nobody is perfect - you're both going to make mistakes. Healthy emotionally mature adults offer heartfelt, genuine apologies and discussions after a disagreement and then agree to put it behind them and move on together. If one (or both of you) isn't capable of doing that without constantly dwelling on/bringing up the disagreement then your relationship is a recipe for disaster and not worth continuing in until you emotionally mature.