Page 3 | Messaging a colleague.

mummaontheskoolrun · 2023-01-30T18:18:49+00:00

Starting a new thread, off the back of another one. A few years ago ( pre covid ) I found out my DH had been messaging a female colleague who he sat next to at work. We have kids and so has she. She has a partner. My husband swore nothing had ever crossed the line and it was as friends and chats about the kids and that. It didn't sit well with me, it made me quite ill mentally and I became quite obsessed with her and stalked her Facebook daily ( this was during covid when everyone was WFH ) DH didn't and still doesn't really know the extent of how this I'm wondering if women would have a problem with this or is this just me being jealous and OTT? Be kind 😊

NeedAHoliday2021 · 01/02/2023 21:50

I message male colleagues more than female ones. No Romantic interest on either side. Sometimes I’ll mention to dh “oh Nick said we should watch x on Netflix” or “I went for coffee and caught up with James today… his department is a nightmare at the moment.” So it’s no secret but I tend to get on with men more than women.

SandraCumin · 01/02/2023 21:56

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 01/02/2023 21:06

Honestly, if I was as mistrusting as you,
I wouldn’t have bothered getting married.

if I posted on here saying that my husband was demanding access to my social media profiles and phone, I’d quite rightly be told to LTB and directed to the Freedom Programme

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There’s a massive flaw in your hypothesis there darkness and that’s the fact that women can be trusted and men absolutely cannot. A man having having access to his spouse’s social media accounts is controlling whereas, a woman with access to her spouse’s social media accounts is just being prudent.

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 01/02/2023 23:36

SandraCumin · 01/02/2023 21:56

There’s a massive flaw in your hypothesis there darkness and that’s the fact that women can be trusted and men absolutely cannot. A man having having access to his spouse’s social media accounts is controlling whereas, a woman with access to her spouse’s social media accounts is just being prudent.

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My mistake. I forgot that we women are perfect in every way and would never be controlling, and that all men are desperate to have their way with any woman they can

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 01/02/2023 23:38

SandraCumin · 01/02/2023 21:56

There’s a massive flaw in your hypothesis there darkness and that’s the fact that women can be trusted and men absolutely cannot. A man having having access to his spouse’s social media accounts is controlling whereas, a woman with access to her spouse’s social media accounts is just being prudent.

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Oh… wait are you being serious? Please tell me you’re not

JustJamie5 · 02/02/2023 02:51

I think, If my partner was jealous of me having friends of the opportunity sex I’d probably leave them…. In the words of Savage Garden, trust is more important than monogamy.

JustJamie5 · 02/02/2023 02:52

*opposite

Whatisthegoss · 02/02/2023 04:06

talkingtomybreadsauce · 31/01/2023 13:28

I am actually with you on this.

I'm going through something with my DP of 16 years right now as well. He plays online chess and some woman who lives near us, private messaged him on the chess site, suggesting they 'practice together' (online, but still). He has literally never had a female friend in the whole 16 years we've been together. So I think it is strange he is starting now, and I don't like it, but not sure what to do. He is dodging all discussion of it (because I think he wants to message with her but knows I won't accept it).

You are meant to be all 'cool' and accept things like this, but in many cultures throughout the world and also up until relatively recent times - it's not been acceptable for a married person to have friends of the opposite sex. It certainly wouldn't have been acceptable in anyone I knows marriage in the 1980s or 1990s. I think it blurs boundaries, and it's better not to do that as to guard against affairs starting. They have to start somewhere so why tempt it.

Call me old fashioned but I won't apologise for this stance!!

Insecure!
Sad.
I would be pleased he has friends and encourage them because friendships are not always sexual.
Get a grip.
It is not Cool' it is modern times with very insecure partners... why is that?
I love my male work colleagues so down to earth and no we do not shag.
We support and respect each other.

Smooshface · 02/02/2023 07:47

No, it's not ok for work collegues to ever message about anything except work.

No making friends with anyone else outside the marriage, that's the healthy and incredibly normal way to behave.

booboo24 · 02/02/2023 08:31

Op I see you have been asked many times on both threads, what is the content of the messages? Are they flirty, are they hidden? Are they inappropriate in any way? OR are they genuinely the type of message that anyone one of us would send to friends of either sex? That is the crux of it, without knowing this we can't really give a balanced view.

My take - If they're inappropriate then no, not ok. If they're flirty, I'm on the fence, it could be innocent (I know the word banter is mis- used, but genuine harmless banter is fun and can be very innocent) very obvious flirtiness though that is above a bit of joking around, no, not ok.

If it's hidden, my go to response would be, he's as guilty as sin, but then again, you're reaction to this stuff may make him hide innocent things incase you jump on it and over react.

Normal friendly chat, absolutely fine

We need to know which of the above it is to answer properly.

Mari9999 · 02/02/2023 11:20

@OP, you have never answered the question of whether you are capable of forming a friendship with a man without it becoming sexual? Have the only close friendships that you have had with males been sexual relationships. Do you honestly believe that men and women cannot be close friends in any way that is not sexual?

Todaynotalways · 02/02/2023 11:31

If it makes you feel any better OP - I am female, I have numerous male and female colleagues and ex colleagues that I keep in touch with by text/WhatsApp.

We talk about our jobs, share pictures that could be interesting to the other, update each other on our families, we ask for and share recommendations for toys, restaurants, holiday locations, etc.

Some of them I see IRL (we might go for coffee) - sometimes we invite our husbands/wives/children and all socialize together.

We have never been inappropriate in any way.

I guess the thing is that none of this is a secret. It's all very much out in the open.

illtakeit · 02/02/2023 11:41

The person I'm closest to in my work setting in male and he's often the one I have a chat/text with the most.

We both have partners and have never crossed any lines. I'm sure my husband have a chat with his female colleagues as well.

I'm sorry OP but you sound like you lack self esteem and you are very very insecure. Kind of sad. I would channel some energy into looking after yourself in that respect and maybe try therapy. This is not normal at all.

SandraCumin · 02/02/2023 12:18

illtakeit · 02/02/2023 11:41

The person I'm closest to in my work setting in male and he's often the one I have a chat/text with the most.

We both have partners and have never crossed any lines. I'm sure my husband have a chat with his female colleagues as well.

I'm sorry OP but you sound like you lack self esteem and you are very very insecure. Kind of sad. I would channel some energy into looking after yourself in that respect and maybe try therapy. This is not normal at all.

100% that your ‘friend’ is lusting after you. Men aren’t just friends with women unless they want something more.

MasterBeth · 02/02/2023 12:37

SandraCumin · 02/02/2023 12:18

100% that your ‘friend’ is lusting after you. Men aren’t just friends with women unless they want something more.

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Absolute bollocks.

talkingtomybreadsauce · 02/02/2023 16:56

Insecure!
Sad.
I would be pleased he has friends and encourage them because friendships are not always sexual.
Get a grip.
It is not Cool' it is modern times with very insecure partners... why is that?
I love my male work colleagues so down to earth and no we do not shag.
We support and respect each other.

I love how it's fine for you, and another poster on this thread, to throw insults around at those of us who don't share the same view as yourself. I did not disrespect or throw insults at you for your views, and nor did the OP. But twice the OP has been called "sad" and once I have.

I am not saying male / female friendships are 'always' sexual. I just think it is playing with fire. So do many, many cultures around the world today, and also our culture up until very recently.

SandraCumin · 02/02/2023 18:58

MasterBeth · 02/02/2023 12:37

Absolute bollocks.

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Take it your male friends haven’t slipped up yet. Mine all did eventually (usually whenever alcohol was around as it happens).

DarkNurseries · 02/02/2023 19:00

SandraCumin · 02/02/2023 18:58

Take it your male friends haven’t slipped up yet. Mine all did eventually (usually whenever alcohol was around as it happens).

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Well, mine have managed not to slip up for over two decades in some cases.

dew141 · 02/02/2023 19:17

Some of my best friends are male. There is no sexual attraction on either side, it would be like shagging my brother.

And we've had plenty of opportunity in the 20 odd years I've known them (mostly from uni, some through work). It's a shame that some people can't accept that platonic male-female friendships can exist, because they've been a real positive for me. And yes, my husband has female friends too.

DarkNurseries · 02/02/2023 19:59

dew141 · 02/02/2023 19:17

Some of my best friends are male. There is no sexual attraction on either side, it would be like shagging my brother.

And we've had plenty of opportunity in the 20 odd years I've known them (mostly from uni, some through work). It's a shame that some people can't accept that platonic male-female friendships can exist, because they've been a real positive for me. And yes, my husband has female friends too.

Well, apparently all your male friends and all my blameless male friends are just playing the loooong game!

MasterBeth · 02/02/2023 21:00

SandraCumin · 02/02/2023 18:58

Take it your male friends haven’t slipped up yet. Mine all did eventually (usually whenever alcohol was around as it happens).

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You must be more irresistible than me. Or maybe you just pucked shittier male friends.

MasterBeth · 02/02/2023 21:01

Or even picked. (Not fucked!)

dew141 · 03/02/2023 07:05

Well, apparently all your male friends and all my blameless male friends are just playing the loooong game!

Well indeed. A really loooong game given I've known some for 30 years. Perhaps they're waiting until the 50 year mark when I'll be a pensioner. I'll be ready and waiting for the big seduction...

Or maybe we're just friends after all, like my female friends. This thread proves it's possible. I daren't even mention that I'm still (completely platonic) friends with my ex-boyfriend from my uni days, that might send the sexual undertones crew over the edge.

ArthurScargillsgingerpube · 03/02/2023 09:28

SandraCumin · 01/02/2023 11:04

It is perfectly normal to feel like you do and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. My husband works with a lot of women and my ground rule was that he gave me access to all his social media profiles and phone at ANY time whenever I requested it. If your husband has nothing to hide he should have no problem doing the same.

I always think that without trust you simply cannot have a loving relationship.

You are showing zero trust in your husband.