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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Messaging a colleague.

73 replies

mummaontheskoolrun · 30/01/2023 18:18

Starting a new thread, off the back
of another one.

A few years ago ( pre covid ) I found out my DH had been messaging a female colleague who he sat next to at work.

We have kids and so has she. She has a partner. My husband swore nothing had ever crossed the line and it was as friends and chats about the kids and that.

It didn't sit well with me, it made me quite ill mentally and I became quite obsessed with her and stalked her Facebook daily ( this was during covid when everyone was WFH ) DH didn't and still doesn't really know the extent of how this

I'm wondering if women would have a problem with this or is this just me being jealous and OTT?

Be kind 😊

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 31/01/2023 12:14

Wow you’re getting a hard time OP!

I think the pertinent issues are:

Does your partner have form for cheating or emotional affairs or breaking relationship boundaries?

Is the texting frequent? What times of day?

Does he/has he had ‘mentionitis’ about her where he can’t or couldn’t stop mentioning her to you?

Are there any other occurrences making you suspicious?

What is the content of the texts like?

Mari9999 · 31/01/2023 12:29

Do you have male friends? Are you capable of texting them without any sexual intent? If so, why would you expect your partner to be incapable of doing what you care capable of doing.

Are you so insecure that you feel threatened if you husband texts a female friend or colleague?

Nerdface · 31/01/2023 12:55

Many work environments - and the ability to do well in them - depends on building good work relationships. In a male-dominated environment you're seriously disadvantaging women if you take the line that they can't interact with colleagues in the way male team members do because they must only be interested in sex (wtaf?).

If I hadn't socialised with the (90% male) team, accepted mentoring from male colleagues and so on I wouldn't have got my current job. I would have been isolated. And when I say socialising, I mean putting up with their dull football talk and absolutely not flirting (eugh).

Women are their own worst enemies. Do I deserve to be stalked on FB because I'm a female colleague, not male?

baileys6904 · 31/01/2023 13:14

Are you just going to start as many new threads as it takes until people agree with you?

My partners had gone on nights out with colleagues both male and female, and shock, horror taken the kids out with a female friend. He manged to play mini golf without any sort of body fluid exchange and apparently all clothes stayed where they're were meant to. It doesnt bother me because I am in a healthy relationship with mutual trust and respect (I also socialise with members of the opposite sex and manage to not copulate throughout the night).

Perhaps use your time better than creating numerous threads and get some counselling to feel better about yourself

talkingtomybreadsauce · 31/01/2023 13:28

I am actually with you on this.

I'm going through something with my DP of 16 years right now as well. He plays online chess and some woman who lives near us, private messaged him on the chess site, suggesting they 'practice together' (online, but still). He has literally never had a female friend in the whole 16 years we've been together. So I think it is strange he is starting now, and I don't like it, but not sure what to do. He is dodging all discussion of it (because I think he wants to message with her but knows I won't accept it).

You are meant to be all 'cool' and accept things like this, but in many cultures throughout the world and also up until relatively recent times - it's not been acceptable for a married person to have friends of the opposite sex. It certainly wouldn't have been acceptable in anyone I knows marriage in the 1980s or 1990s. I think it blurs boundaries, and it's better not to do that as to guard against affairs starting. They have to start somewhere so why tempt it.

Call me old fashioned but I won't apologise for this stance!!

Nerdface · 31/01/2023 13:41

Until recent times it wouldn't have been acceptable for women to have careers, are you also looking to change that?

If my partner dictated who I could and couldn't speak to to "guard against affairs starting" it wouldn't be an affair they'd need to worry about, it would be divorce.

talkingtomybreadsauce · 31/01/2023 13:59

Of course it's okay to have careers. It was okay in the 80s and 90s, but it wasn't okay to have female friends.

I never said 'speak' to, I said friends.

Livelifelaughter · 31/01/2023 14:15

To be honest I think it's just part of working life. I have a lot of male and female work colleagues and we message about all-sorts. Stepping back, there's not much that you can do other than to think about how you decide to react or not react. I wonder if you suffer from anxiety generally.

Imafirework · 31/01/2023 14:15

The bottom line is it isn't ok with you.
Have you told him this? What does he say?
I wouldn't be keen but my DH has never had female friends so it would be out of character for him.
I have a few male work colleagues who I will forward the odd joke or meme to but wouldn't have a proper text chat with.

Pandaphonium · 31/01/2023 14:22

It wouldn't bother me as I have male friends at work and we chat outside of work sometimes, absolutely nothing at all going on beyond friends (work friends at that). It doesn't matter how others feel though it's how it makes you feel, that said though it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to be annoyed if you start accusing him of all sorts over it unless there's more to it or a backstory.

securitee · 31/01/2023 15:04

It would personally bother me if:

  1. She was attractive or his type
  2. The messages were flirty
  3. He was spending a lot of time talking to her, about her or with her that includes sudden increase in gym going or working overtime or work trips away.
Because my DH's friendships are with men. I might feel differently if from the start of us getting together he always had female friends.

I don't think your DH needs to know how much you've stalked her but you need to be objective either he is cheating or you are jealous, we don't have all the facts.

PrincessConstance · 31/01/2023 15:17

I don't understand why people are at home having spent all day at work with said colleagues, still nattering on. Neither of us sits nattering with others whilst in each other's company talking endless shite.

SoIAmGlad · 31/01/2023 16:52

PrincessConstance · 31/01/2023 15:17

I don't understand why people are at home having spent all day at work with said colleagues, still nattering on. Neither of us sits nattering with others whilst in each other's company talking endless shite.

Because some of our jobs don’t involve spending all or must of the day ‘nattering’ in our colleagues’ company, or ‘talking endless white’, regardless of whose company we’re in?

Tron80 · 31/01/2023 18:18

Op, i have not seen your other thread so will just reply based on this. Men and women work together daily, spending large portions of their week together. Friendships will inevitably form and on occasion, yes , I have witnessed them transgress into something else over the decades of working. I personally met ,my now ex husband at work , we were both single at the time so all above board. I also have friends who have become embroiled in situations. That said, I can see how much upset the prospect of any impropriety is and has caused you.

Op, with the greatest kindness I think you need to address how you are dealing with your anxiety. I have not read full thread but understand they were just friends? I used to feel like this in the early naughties when my children were young and I was stay at home mum for a short time. I do not know how to explain but I felt isolated and out of touch when I left work. I was ok financially as I had provided for myself but I missed working and felt almost invisible. I then
became fixated on now ex DH's work trips, xmas parties etc. I see now this paranoia was me and my frustration/jealously. I went back to full time work and all that fear dissipated , I was out there and happy. I was independent again .

Do you have your own work? Do you have your own financial security? Are you worried that your DH is your whole life/home/income and that if he left for colleague you would be vulnerable? If so, you need to address this. Again, this is said with the greatest of kindness, you cannot control your husband, he is his own man just as much as you are your own woman. Your husband will be working for decades, he will meet, work alongside and form

friendships with women. That is life.

This is ultimately about your own self fulfilment, how you feel about yourself and your own anxieties. With the greatest of respect OP, you need to work on your own insecurities. To continue to carry this is unhealthy. You cannot police your DH but you can police yourself. Reach out to your GP and/ or additional support services if you feel you need additional support.

Tron80 · 31/01/2023 18:37

"@PrincessConstance I don't understand why people are at home having spent all day at work with said colleagues, still nattering on. Neither of us sits nattering with others whilst in each other's company talking endless shite".

Because some colleagues form strong and nurturing relationships with fellow colleague's. Particularly where people have relocated over yrs and subsequently divorced. Very strong friendships are formed through shared circumstance.

" Neither of us sits chattering with others whilst in each others's company talking endless shite". ...

...that you know of!

PrincessConstance · 01/02/2023 08:21

Tron80 · 31/01/2023 18:37

"@PrincessConstance I don't understand why people are at home having spent all day at work with said colleagues, still nattering on. Neither of us sits nattering with others whilst in each other's company talking endless shite".

Because some colleagues form strong and nurturing relationships with fellow colleague's. Particularly where people have relocated over yrs and subsequently divorced. Very strong friendships are formed through shared circumstance.

" Neither of us sits chattering with others whilst in each others's company talking endless shite". ...

...that you know of!

I do know because I know what goes on when DP is sitting next to me. He silences his business phone of the evening.
I know exactly what I'm doing, which is the odd message, not an endless stream of what's app all night long to male colleagues with kisses on the end. Nor are either of us sat flirting or stalking colleagues on Facebook.🙄

Chickenwing2 · 01/02/2023 08:36

It completely depends on the context of the message. What were they messaging each other?

mummar2boys · 01/02/2023 10:29

Tron80 · 31/01/2023 18:18

Op, i have not seen your other thread so will just reply based on this. Men and women work together daily, spending large portions of their week together. Friendships will inevitably form and on occasion, yes , I have witnessed them transgress into something else over the decades of working. I personally met ,my now ex husband at work , we were both single at the time so all above board. I also have friends who have become embroiled in situations. That said, I can see how much upset the prospect of any impropriety is and has caused you.

Op, with the greatest kindness I think you need to address how you are dealing with your anxiety. I have not read full thread but understand they were just friends? I used to feel like this in the early naughties when my children were young and I was stay at home mum for a short time. I do not know how to explain but I felt isolated and out of touch when I left work. I was ok financially as I had provided for myself but I missed working and felt almost invisible. I then
became fixated on now ex DH's work trips, xmas parties etc. I see now this paranoia was me and my frustration/jealously. I went back to full time work and all that fear dissipated , I was out there and happy. I was independent again .

Do you have your own work? Do you have your own financial security? Are you worried that your DH is your whole life/home/income and that if he left for colleague you would be vulnerable? If so, you need to address this. Again, this is said with the greatest of kindness, you cannot control your husband, he is his own man just as much as you are your own woman. Your husband will be working for decades, he will meet, work alongside and form

friendships with women. That is life.

This is ultimately about your own self fulfilment, how you feel about yourself and your own anxieties. With the greatest of respect OP, you need to work on your own insecurities. To continue to carry this is unhealthy. You cannot police your DH but you can police yourself. Reach out to your GP and/ or additional support services if you feel you need additional support.

This is exactly it. Everything you have written is exactly what's happening and what I'm feeling. Wow 💙

Bluesandtwos7 · 01/02/2023 11:01

Wow

SandraCumin · 01/02/2023 11:04

It is perfectly normal to feel like you do and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. My husband works with a lot of women and my ground rule was that he gave me access to all his social media profiles and phone at ANY time whenever I requested it. If your husband has nothing to hide he should have no problem doing the same.

Bluesandtwos7 · 01/02/2023 11:35

What if he has two phones? 😭

Livelifelaughter · 01/02/2023 12:16

SandraCumin · 01/02/2023 11:04

It is perfectly normal to feel like you do and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. My husband works with a lot of women and my ground rule was that he gave me access to all his social media profiles and phone at ANY time whenever I requested it. If your husband has nothing to hide he should have no problem doing the same.

I just wouldn't ask nor expect. Even in a marriage there is a right to some privacy.

SandraCumin · 01/02/2023 12:19

Livelifelaughter · 01/02/2023 12:16

I just wouldn't ask nor expect. Even in a marriage there is a right to some privacy.

Show quote history

That’s just asking for trouble as far as being married to a man is concerned. By all means, you can do what you want in your marriage, but they will always stray if they think they can get away with it.

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 01/02/2023 21:06

SandraCumin · 01/02/2023 12:19

That’s just asking for trouble as far as being married to a man is concerned. By all means, you can do what you want in your marriage, but they will always stray if they think they can get away with it.

Show quote history

Honestly, if I was as mistrusting as you,
I wouldn’t have bothered getting married.

if I posted on here saying that my husband was demanding access to my social media profiles and phone, I’d quite rightly be told to LTB and directed to the Freedom Programme

MasterBeth · 01/02/2023 21:46

SandraCumin · 01/02/2023 12:19

That’s just asking for trouble as far as being married to a man is concerned. By all means, you can do what you want in your marriage, but they will always stray if they think they can get away with it.

Show quote history

Absolute bollocks.