I snooped and am now angry

StupidSnoopy · 2023-01-30T16:16:29+00:00

Mostly at myself for doing it. DH and I have been together 20 years. We broke up for 2 years, 8 years ago. Whilst we were apart he starting seeing a woman casually he knew from school. Not my business. We weren't together BUT I always had a feeling about her. Before we broke up I found out he was texting her (that wasn't the reason we broke up) He said they exchanged numbers for school stuff and she was just a friend. For some reason his email was logged in on my phone today and I searched her name. Turns out they were talking on Facebook for a year before he said they started texting. I can't see anything untowards. All very basic stuff. Chit chat. But I feel like he lied and made me feel like I was crazy for being worried about this woman. When he had been communicating with her much longer than he told me And there obviously WAS something there because after we broke up they hooked up a few times. I feel stupid for looking because all the messages are completely innocent AFAICS and this was all going on years ago! We've been back together 6 years with no problems so why did I even search her name?! He's had no contact with her since 6byears ago.

Siameasy · 30/01/2023 16:18

I would probably thrash it out with DH and air your feelings but I would be looking to move forward from this. If everything is going well now, why cause issues.

Original poster

StupidSnoopy · 30/01/2023 16:21

Siameasy · 30/01/2023 16:18

I would probably thrash it out with DH and air your feelings but I would be looking to move forward from this. If everything is going well now, why cause issues.

That's what I'm thinking. If they were being flirtatious it would feel justified but they weren't. It was very mundane stuff.

But just the fact he talked to her for so long without me knowing.

And things like them exchanging messages in Xmas day and stuff.

OP posts:

Quveas · 30/01/2023 16:25

But from what you've said, it was all friendship until you broke up. Then it seems they possibly tried to see if there was more, and there wasn't. So it ended. And the two of you then got back together. Isn't he allowed female friends? Becuse what you've found seems to be nothing, but you are making it into something. That suggests that the issue is you not him. Especially if you are searching his emails from years ago! If you don't trust him, then that's the issue. And snooping through somebody's phone suggests lack of trust.

bbgx · 30/01/2023 16:29

To be fair, I agree with the explanation about 'trying to see it as more' and then leaving it, but most people aren't comfortable with their partner hooking up with their female 'friends' after they split. Of course you'd wonder if there was more!

I don't think you need to be worried now op but totally understand how your feeling

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 30/01/2023 16:37

So, he had a friend, and when you split up that turned into a relationship for a while. They split up before you got back together. He's done nothing wrong.

You on the other hand have completely invaded his privacy. Believe me, it's not you who should be getting angry here.

BringItOn2023 · 30/01/2023 16:41

Don't react, it's just jealousy for something that happened in the past. No good can come of the muck raking. Also, you were on 'on a break' as they say. It would probably out your DH in the defensive for reading his messages so I wipuld encourage you to try and forget.

Eleganz · 30/01/2023 16:45

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 30/01/2023 16:37

So, he had a friend, and when you split up that turned into a relationship for a while. They split up before you got back together. He's done nothing wrong.

You on the other hand have completely invaded his privacy. Believe me, it's not you who should be getting angry here.

This

Original poster

StupidSnoopy · 30/01/2023 16:48

Quveas · 30/01/2023 16:25

But from what you've said, it was all friendship until you broke up. Then it seems they possibly tried to see if there was more, and there wasn't. So it ended. And the two of you then got back together. Isn't he allowed female friends? Becuse what you've found seems to be nothing, but you are making it into something. That suggests that the issue is you not him. Especially if you are searching his emails from years ago! If you don't trust him, then that's the issue. And snooping through somebody's phone suggests lack of trust.

But he had female friends. Always had.

The issue was he hid this friendship.

I found out they'd been texting for 6 months and not once did he mention her to me. But he would tell me what was going on in all his other friends lives.

And now I see it was 18 months of a secret friendship. Not 6.

The issue is all the secrecy? Why, when he has other female friends he talked about all the time.

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/01/2023 16:48

As you're saying yourself, there was nothing untoward in their conversations whilst you were together. She was just a friend - even though you 'had a feeling', there wasn't anything going on.

It wouldn't have helped matters at all at the time had he said they had been talking on Facebook even though nothing was going on. It would have made you 'worse' in your thinking there was something nefarious happening.

It's annoying. But he didn't cheat with her. And now, through your own act, you know this for sure. He was telling the truth when he said that she was just a friend.

Keep reminding yourself of that - he was telling the truth and she was just a friend.

Original poster

StupidSnoopy · 30/01/2023 16:53

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/01/2023 16:48

As you're saying yourself, there was nothing untoward in their conversations whilst you were together. She was just a friend - even though you 'had a feeling', there wasn't anything going on.

It wouldn't have helped matters at all at the time had he said they had been talking on Facebook even though nothing was going on. It would have made you 'worse' in your thinking there was something nefarious happening.

It's annoying. But he didn't cheat with her. And now, through your own act, you know this for sure. He was telling the truth when he said that she was just a friend.

Keep reminding yourself of that - he was telling the truth and she was just a friend.

Thankyou. This helped alot.

OP posts:

discobrain · 30/01/2023 16:58

People are allowed to have friends, you shouldn't have snooped.

Original poster

StupidSnoopy · 30/01/2023 17:02

discobrain · 30/01/2023 16:58

People are allowed to have friends, you shouldn't have snooped.

Did you read the part where he has lots of female friends but chose to keep the one he ultimately went on to fuck secret?

I think my spidey sense about him liking her was pretty spot on.

The issue was never them being friends. The issue was him keeping her a complete secret and (now I see) lying about how they started to talk and how long they talked when I discovered their friendship.

OP posts:

Eleganz · 30/01/2023 17:08

StupidSnoopy · 30/01/2023 17:02

Did you read the part where he has lots of female friends but chose to keep the one he ultimately went on to fuck secret?

I think my spidey sense about him liking her was pretty spot on.

The issue was never them being friends. The issue was him keeping her a complete secret and (now I see) lying about how they started to talk and how long they talked when I discovered their friendship.

Show quote history

But there is no evidence of anything untoward occuring while you were together? You say he lied to you about how long they were talking to each other, but what exactly did he say? How do you know you know about all of his other friendships that he had ever had whilst you have been together? Surely you can only know about the ones you know about? Also seems that once he had crossed the bridge with her into a romantic relationship, once that was over the contact finished.

You've invaded his privacy, found nothing of substance yet seem to me wishing to manufacture outrage on little to no evidence. What is the real issue here? What is happening in your marriage now that is causing this?

Kangarude · 30/01/2023 17:09

It was 8 years ago and there was nothing suspicious in the emails! Why would you even have searched for her name after all this time?

GreetingsToTheNewBrunette · 30/01/2023 17:09

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 30/01/2023 16:37

So, he had a friend, and when you split up that turned into a relationship for a while. They split up before you got back together. He's done nothing wrong.

You on the other hand have completely invaded his privacy. Believe me, it's not you who should be getting angry here.

100%

Original poster

StupidSnoopy · 30/01/2023 17:10

You wouldn't find it weird that your DH had added a woman on FB and talked to her for a year and a half. Daily. Late at night. Christmas. Holidays. But he never, ever once mentioned her as his friend or that they had any communication?

OP posts:

dontknowwhatisbest · 30/01/2023 17:13

StupidSnoopy · 30/01/2023 17:02

Did you read the part where he has lots of female friends but chose to keep the one he ultimately went on to fuck secret?

I think my spidey sense about him liking her was pretty spot on.

The issue was never them being friends. The issue was him keeping her a complete secret and (now I see) lying about how they started to talk and how long they talked when I discovered their friendship.

Show quote history

I agree with you, OP. You correctly sensed that there was something off about his 'friendship' with this particular woman, and this has now been confirmed by the fact he lied to you about her, despite being perfectly open about other female friendships. The fact that there was nothing flirtatious in their chat is less important than the fact he felt the need to lie about the fact that the chat was talking place at all.

I don't know where this leaves you now, though, after all this time - especially as you only know about this because you 'snooped'.

Eleganz · 30/01/2023 17:23

StupidSnoopy · 30/01/2023 17:10

You wouldn't find it weird that your DH had added a woman on FB and talked to her for a year and a half. Daily. Late at night. Christmas. Holidays. But he never, ever once mentioned her as his friend or that they had any communication?

Depends what they were talking about. You said it was for "school" stuff, does this mean university or is he a teacher or what? Did he ever meet this woman socially or similar like other friends. Were the other friends mutual friends or just his?

The reality is though that whether I find it weird or not is irrelevant. You've had a snoop,found no smoking gun and are left with your inferences.

Pinkpaw · 30/01/2023 17:29

StupidSnoopy · 30/01/2023 17:10

You wouldn't find it weird that your DH had added a woman on FB and talked to her for a year and a half. Daily. Late at night. Christmas. Holidays. But he never, ever once mentioned her as his friend or that they had any communication?

Of course any normal person would not find this ok. He was obviously keen on keeping it a secret from you. And your gut feeling was right. I get that you must feel angry, hurt and disappointed. Put off. Like what else is he capable of keeping a secret..

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/01/2023 17:29

You seem sure you’re right and he’s badly in the wrong so instead of stewing you’ll have to fess up and tell him how annoyed and suspicious you are. His response probably won’t reassure you because he’ll say what most people on here are but you don’t have another option.

Why did you break up? Why did you get back together?

Pinkpaw · 30/01/2023 17:31

At least he should have come clean before you decided to get back together.

Spectre8 · 30/01/2023 17:42

What has he done wrong? He didn't mention it but its also not the reason why you broke up. You were then not together and he had a few hook ups as you say. You've now been aback together and he hasn't even contacted her since you've been back together.

So what if he didn't mention its a year of communciation - again she wasn't the reason you guys broke up so who cares.

Honestly who after 8yrs of being together why would you even do a search? Its bizarre. You and him are together now! She isn't even in the picture. However you have massively crossed a line in terms of his privacy and for what - a bunch of nothing over something that was 8yrs ago. Thats just batshit crazy.

You're getting angry over nothing and then think you have some right to be angry - how angry would you be if tables were reversed and you found out your husband had searched your emails.

Are you going to hide that from him? Or go tell him hey husband its been 8yrs we've been together but there is a part of that just didnt trust you over something innocent 8yrs ago and you lied to me over some woman who isn't in your life anymore or you have spoken to in 8yrs. And its okay invading your privacy to justify my anger.

Good luck with that

TheFretfulPorpentine · 30/01/2023 17:45

Why does it even matter now?

WhoNeedsSleepNotISaidMyBody · 30/01/2023 17:52

StupidSnoopy · 30/01/2023 17:10

You wouldn't find it weird that your DH had added a woman on FB and talked to her for a year and a half. Daily. Late at night. Christmas. Holidays. But he never, ever once mentioned her as his friend or that they had any communication?

@StupidSnoopy

Trust your instincts.

FB isn't the only place to chat. 'Innocent' chat on FB, doesn't mean they weren't chatting on other platforms.

Perhaphs this had more to do with your 'break' than you realise. They might not have been having sex, but maybe it made him think about being single again or being less present in your relationship. I don't think it's coincidence you had a break & they hooked up.

sorry, I don't mean to upset you further, but don't dismiss your gut instinct.

donquixotedelamancha · 30/01/2023 18:10

You wouldn't find it weird that your DH had added a woman on FB and talked to her for a year and a half. Daily. Late at night. Christmas. Holidays. But he never, ever once mentioned her as his friend or that they had any communication?

I would think that was unusual however my wife isn't married to someone who checks her phone or has a 'spidey sense' about platonic friends. I don't find it surprising that your DH downplayed the relationship, there is an obvious reason.

He probably did like her. There are plenty of people I might like if I weren't married but am entirely platonic with.

This being MN you will find plenty of people justifying your behaviour for you @StupidSnoopy but snooping like this and obsessing over a woman from a decade ago will make you miserable. Either talk to your DH and get over this or let him go.