Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I snooped and am now angry

33 replies

StupidSnoopy · 30/01/2023 16:16

Mostly at myself for doing it.

DH and I have been together 20 years. We broke up for 2 years, 8 years ago.

Whilst we were apart he starting seeing a woman casually he knew from school. Not my business. We weren't together

BUT I always had a feeling about her. Before we broke up I found out he was texting her (that wasn't the reason we broke up)

He said they exchanged numbers for school stuff and she was just a friend.

For some reason his email was logged in on my phone today and I searched her name.

Turns out they were talking on Facebook for a year before he said they started texting.

I can't see anything untowards. All very basic stuff. Chit chat.

But I feel like he lied and made me feel like I was crazy for being worried about this woman. When he had been communicating with her much longer than he told me

And there obviously WAS something there because after we broke up they hooked up a few times.

I feel stupid for looking because all the messages are completely innocent AFAICS and this was all going on years ago!

We've been back together 6 years with no problems so why did I even search her name?!

He's had no contact with her since 6byears ago.

OP posts:

ChampagneBlossom44 · 30/01/2023 18:18

I don’t think you’re unreasonable & a lot of us have been through the same.

you aren’t wrong to feel annoyed because the way I felt in a similar situation of finding out more later on, is there’s a choice to be transparent & allow you the choice whether to move forward in the relationship knowing all the facts, or there’s the choice to continue to diminish the facts & lie & that’s what he chose to avoid making it worse for himself, and it’s frustrating being taken for a fool & you deserve the respect of not being lied to by a partner, if they can lie about ‘innocent’ stuff then where does it stop. It’s hard to respect a partner who doesn’t stand by their actions no matter how difficult the fallout is. It makes it much harder to move on from how you felt when surprises happen, you just feel thoroughly pissed off for being taken in by the fibs.

Cocobutt · 30/01/2023 19:30

He obviously fancied her and then stepped this up once you broke up.

If the past 6 years have been good then I would drop it.

Yes you could bring it up, have a discussion about it and then move on from it but you’d also have to admit that you went snooping through his private messages which to most is unforgivable.

I get why you would be hurt and I would be too but I wouldn’t rake it all back up as I don’t think any good will come from it.

TheHumanExperience · 31/01/2023 14:53

StupidSnoopy · 30/01/2023 16:48

But he had female friends. Always had.

The issue was he hid this friendship.

I found out they'd been texting for 6 months and not once did he mention her to me. But he would tell me what was going on in all his other friends lives.

And now I see it was 18 months of a secret friendship. Not 6.

The issue is all the secrecy? Why, when he has other female friends he talked about all the time.

Show quote history

The question is: do you know every one of his friends, and does he know yours? Why is it so important, a friend is a friend, unless you're suspicious by nature? If you are, what has caused this? I can't understand what caused you to snoop if everything is rosy.

Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 14:58

Did you read the part where he has lots of female friends but chose to keep the one he ultimately went on to fuck secret

god what an awful thing to write. Your jealousy and insecurity is out of control.

he was friends with a woman, when he was single they decided to see if anything there. There wasn’t. It ended.

you need to calm down and you need to get help. This snooping and hysteria is not ok.

GreyCarpet · 31/01/2023 19:07

I think some people are being a bit disingenuous here tbh.

You seemed something was off about the friendship and it turns out there was. They might not have done anything while you were together but it certainly looks like he thought about it and then jumped at the chance.

It's not about whether she knows all of his friends or not. The only one she didn't know was this one.

I'm not sure what I do, tbh, OP. Bring it up and you might hear things you'd rather not. What do you want the outcome to be?

Dery · 01/02/2023 08:08

I agree with @GreyCarpet about your feelings re this.

That said, your relationship was sufficiently on the rocks in the preceding period that you split for 2 years. You say it wasn’t because of her so things must have been quite bad overall. But after 2 years apart, you both decided you were happier together and that the relationship was worth saving.

That seems like a fresh start to me and hashing out things that were from before your fresh start seems unlikely to be a useful thing to do. You will have to confess you snooped and he might not express his position on this in the best way (men, IME, don’t understand as many layers of meaning as women). I think this is best left alone.

FrancescaContini · 01/02/2023 08:14

I don’t understand how his email was logged in on your phone. Who logged into it?

SunflowerTed · 01/02/2023 19:59

StupidSnoopy · 30/01/2023 17:10

You wouldn't find it weird that your DH had added a woman on FB and talked to her for a year and a half. Daily. Late at night. Christmas. Holidays. But he never, ever once mentioned her as his friend or that they had any communication?

I’d feel betrayed too xx

Flip

1 2