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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I want to call off a long term relationship

28 replies

StorkUnicorn · 30/01/2023 14:03

I met my partner 7 years ago approx. We are 4 and half years engaged. He wanted to marry quickly (within a year of the engagement). I was apprehensive due to the costs of a wedding and where was the money going to come from in a year. He was hoping to get loads of cash in cards and pay for a wedding from cash gifts. My understanding is that. It doesn't really work like that. The majority of services for a wedding - hotel, band, other stuff have to be paid about 80% in advance before the big day. I slowed the engagement down.

Since then the relationship has went downhill.

I am in a sexless relationship. It might happen one or two times in a year at max. The sexless is from his side. He can't really maintain an erection for intercourse and perfers to masturbate and he thinks I like mutual masturbation. I don't have a sex life. Its has always been a type of mutual masturbation thing from him. This does nothing for me. He doesn't even finger me.

The doesn't like to brush his teeth at night time. He makes an attempt in the morning time but that's it. He doesn't floss. I don't like this.

We work opposite schedules since the pandemic. We don't even share a day off. Not even once in a month.

To be honest I now love the peace and my time when he is in work.

He does something else and I could nearly kill him at this stage. Every time my phone is alone he picks it up in the hope of snooping on the phone. I am not cheating on him and I have nothing to hide but he is trying to invade my privacy and I really don't like that.

He goes for breakfast about 3 or 4 mornings a week for a fry. The man is a heart attack waiting to happen.

When we met we had so much in common and we usually get on very well together outside of all of these factors but I am not happy.

I never had to call of a long term relationship before. I do find myself withdrawing away from this relationship more and lieing to him more and more like saying I am doing overnight in work to avoid sleeping with him. I am claiming to have more sickness like migraine and other sickness to avoid so much with him.

I never had to call of a long term relationship before. I do I go about it. He was working all weekend and I was alone all weekend or with my family and I loved my time this weekend when I was free.

OP posts:

LividNC · 30/01/2023 14:05

What’s your living situation?

Can you afford to live alone?

You need a plan for the practicalities.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/01/2023 14:06

I really don't understand why you're even questioning this. You should have ended this relationship ages ago and you know it. End it immediately and move on with your life.

Original poster

StorkUnicorn · 30/01/2023 14:08

More to add:

He is a good person. He's been with me through so much. We never fight or argue and we do get on well. However there's aspects of the relationship that I am not happy with.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 30/01/2023 14:14

Can you afford to move out, living in a house share, being a lodger sounds better than living with him.
Weddings do not have to cost thousands as I'm sure you know. I'd be worried he wanted to marry quickly, controlling men do that to make it difficult for you to leave.

Original poster

StorkUnicorn · 30/01/2023 14:45

Bananalanacake · 30/01/2023 14:14

I would be able to move out.

I never would have labelled him as controlling. I grew up with an abusive father and I never would have put my own partner down as abusive. I doubt it is controlling behaviour from him. However trying to invade my privacy is a red flag.

OP posts:

Smooshface · 30/01/2023 17:13

Get your accommodation lined up if you need to. Sit him down and say you need to end this.

If you really can't face it, pack up and leave him a letter. That is very much the cowards way out, but it depends on how you think he will take a break up. I guarantee he will try and say you had an affair, based on his behaviour.

You just need to do it. Imagine your life a year from now being free of this guy.

ThoughtsofMoog · 30/01/2023 17:22

Have you talked to him about how unhappy you are with the sex, teeth etc? It does very much sound like you've checked out, but after so long, I do think a proper conversation is necessary.

AlisonDonut · 30/01/2023 17:23

Just move out then.

Beamur · 30/01/2023 17:25

Find somewhere else to live. Get it all lined up and then break it kindly to him.
You've checked out of a relationship that's unrewarding and has run its course.
It doesn't mean you think he's a terrible person, he's just not the right one for you.

category12 · 30/01/2023 17:28

How do you go about it?

Well, first you figure out your next step. What's the housing situation? Do you own/rent/is it joint? Do you have shared finances at all to work out?

Once you've figured out your immediate next steps practically & financially, you sit down and have a conversation with him:
"John, sorry, but I'm no longer happy in our relationship, and I've decided that I don't want to keep doing this any more, so [I'll be moving out on x date/this is what happens next]"

It'll be better for both of you if you get on with it. He can't really be happy with the way things are, surely? Just seems like you're both dragging on with it out of habit or fear more than love.

Warspite · 30/01/2023 17:36

I know someone, married for donkeys years. Kids all grown and gone.

She just got her self quietly organised with somewhere to live, sorted out her finances etc and then, then ta da, abracadabra, she told him “I’m not living like this anymore so I’m moving out next Saturday!”
He was totally shocked and went quite pale apparently. She stood her ground and faced up to him,

Men just don’t see the writing on the wall. They’re pathetic in the face of an organised woman.
Good luck OP.

TemperateForest · 30/01/2023 18:36

"You don't share a day off"

You are not happy

Make plans to leave ASAP

There is no future for you with this person

Watchkeys · 30/01/2023 19:29

What stops you saying 'I don't want to be in this relationship any more, so I'm moving out'?

Original poster

StorkUnicorn · 01/02/2023 17:25

I feel like he tricked me into an engagement and tried to trick me into a marriage. As soon as the ring was on my finger, whatever 'sex' we were having dried up. It went from 1/2 times a month and now down to maybe 1/2 times a year. Not only sexy times, but his oral hygiene went out the window. Is that how married couples behave? Unhygienic and sexless?

I crave sexual activity but not with him. My relationship is utterly sexless and its like we are friends who sleep together once in a while. Is has me questioning everything about our relationship and him too. I am asking myself is he gay or som3else and did he only ever want me to put up an act in front of his family.

OP posts:

AlisonDonut · 01/02/2023 17:25

So move out then!

Ofcourseshecan · 01/02/2023 17:35

OP, your relationship is miserable, you are unhappy, he has some silly ideas about money (eg wanting an expensive wedding paid for by gifts) that could cause problems in the long term, and there is no reason for you to stay with this.

H should really see his GP about his inability to keep an erection. This is obviously a problem in itself, but it may also be a sign of serious illness.

But whether he does this or not, it really sounds as if you would be better off leaving him.

Whataretheodds · 01/02/2023 17:39

StorkUnicorn · 30/01/2023 14:08

More to add:

He is a good person. He's been with me through so much. We never fight or argue and we do get on well. However there's aspects of the relationship that I am not happy with.

You never fight or argue because you have no boundaries.

What happens if you put a pssword on your phone or tell him not to mind his own business?

discobrain · 01/02/2023 17:49

You make the plans behind the scenes to arrange to move out and transfer your things. Don't wait to do this, because the practical things can get faffy. Once you've gotten that ball rolling, you tell him you will be moving out, and that it's over. Be prepared for a million questions, exasperation, possibly crying and/or yelling, begging to work things out and make effort, but try and stay calm and stand your ground.

Have a place to go first.

If there are things in both of your names, tell him you will negotiate via email, so you have a digital trail so to speak. Same with division of belongings, unless you don't care about leaving anything.

Seaoftroubles · 01/02/2023 17:56

Why are you even questioning this? You are unhappy, you prefer it when he's not around, there's no intimacy and his oral hygiene is poor! As well as that he doesn't respect your privacy and tries to snoop on your phone. Theres no reason not to leave, you owe him nothing, and it sounds as though you are totally incompatible.

007DoubleOSeven · 01/02/2023 18:27

No hesitation from me, this isn't a relationship really. Formally end it soon as you're ready.

DarceyG · 01/02/2023 18:29

The mutual masterbating. Just no! I want a fulfilling sex life if they’re gone. I couldn’t stand such a boring relationship to be honest. I had a brief one with an A sexual type and it was pathetic

Eastereggsboxedupready · 01/02/2023 18:37

He isn't a good person. He sounds disgusting..

StarCourt · 02/02/2023 15:36

it sounds like he was on his absolute best behaviour at first but couldnt keep it up and id now his true self

Mylittlesandwich · 02/02/2023 15:41

No this isn't how married people are. We've been married 8 year, have a toddler and still manage to brush our teeth twice a day. We are often on differing schedules due to work but we make the most of the time we do get.

altmember · 02/02/2023 15:47

I do find myself withdrawing away from this relationship more and lieing to him more and more like saying I am doing overnight in work to avoid sleeping with him. I am claiming to have more sickness like migraine and other sickness to avoid so much with him.

Well to be fair, in those circumstances it's not that surprising that he's suspicious and snooping on your phone. Most partners would suspect an affair with those sort of lies going on. You really just need to be honest with him.

The impotency sounds like it could just be self perpetuating performance anxiety, and maybe easily sorted with tadalafil/Cialis. Could even be related to him thinking you're cheating on him. But again, sounds like you both need to have an honest conversation about your sex life in general.

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