Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

sexual issue

51 replies

angsty · 30/01/2023 13:29

NC for this. I just wondered about people’s thoughts. I have been married to my DH (my second H) for eighteen years, and when our relationship started, as is often the case, it was extremely sexual (in fact he was a one night stand I picked up at a party and took to a hotel). He turned out to be a keeper in many ways, and we married and had a child together, who is now 13. Many things about our life and relationship work extremely well, we adore our child, both work hard and do our share of the household tasks, childcare, and everything else. We have a lot of shared interests and values and we can have a lot of fun together when things are going well. I am the family breadwinner and he has always been great about having no problem with that.

The issue is a sexual one. He is 8 years younger than me. I have gone through menopause and my libido took a nosedive. Although I am not completely averse to some sex, I want it less often. He has the same (very high) libido as ever. This is causing a lot of friction between us, he is constantly annoyed with me, to the extent of giving me the silent treatment, being rude to me in front of other people, including his adult children, and being generally “off” with me all the time. When I challenge him, he cites the lack of sex and tells me that he can’t accept that we only have sex on “my terms” i.e. when I feel like it. I once spoke up about that, unfortunately in anger, after a lot of rudeness from him, and said that there is a word for men who have sex with women who do not want to have sex at that moment. This has made things worse, he has started accusing me of “feminist shit” and telling me that he is “entitled” to have regular sex and if he doesn’t “get it” from me, he will look elsewhere. He has also started accusing me of having affairs, saying that if I am not “giving it” to him I must be “giving it to someone else”. I have to go away for a few nights for work quite regularly and he becomes angry about this, accusing me of meeting up with men while I am away (nothing could be further from my mind).

When we do have sex he cheers right up and is all sweetness and light for several days before starting the angry, silent and accusatory shit again. My question is, should I just do what I imagine many millions of women throughout history have done, and have sex both when I want it and sometimes, when I don’t particularly want it, just to keep him sweet. It goes against my principles but on the other hand, fifteen minutes of sexual activity every few days does me no harm but makes a world of difference and makes things infinitely more pleasant not just for me but for everyone around him (including our 13-year-old child). I am quite willing for people to say, yes, that’s what marriage is, compromise…

OP posts:

Rhondaa · 30/01/2023 13:43

He sounds absolutely awful, I hate to trawl out the mn classics but he sounds emotionally abusive and coercive.

Of course people of both sexes may occasionally have sex when they don't fancy it but not as ongoing regular thing to keep the peace.

I'm glad he doesn't have an issue with you being the breadwinner but really that isn't anything to praise him for.

If all else is good, if you truly are happy with this childish bully then only you know if having sex when you don't want to is worth it. I'd LTB tbh, seriously if he is this rampant I would wonder what he was getting up to when I wasn't there. Good luck with what ever you decide .

As an aside, and not to keep him happy but for yourself, have you considered HRT? Some women report an increase in libido. Certainly consider the vaginal cream if vaginal atrophy is a problem.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 30/01/2023 13:44

Sexual incompatibility can be a serious issue in a relationship. Sometimes you can find ways to work it out together, at other times it can be a deal breaker. I can understand his frustration but the way he is dealing with it is (IMHO) unforgivable and leads me to seriously doubt you can resolve this. Frankly, I am surprised you haven't checked out, if not actually walked out given how vile and entitled he is being. I also wonder if his behaviour over this is an insight into his personality more generally. I find it hard to believe someone with such a toxic attitude over libido mismatch can otherwise be a wonderful and caring partner.

blondieblonde · 30/01/2023 13:44

Yikes I don’t know. I struggle with this. I haven’t minded doing it with good natured partners who seem frustrated, but I instinctively refuse when men act like your DH has. In other words, I think a bit of give and take in a respectful union is fine, but that he’s making himself extremely unattractive and introducing a troubling power dynamic by acting with disrespect.

CureForLove · 30/01/2023 13:45

And you still think he's a keeper??

HinnyHoway · 30/01/2023 13:48

he has started accusing me of “feminist shit” and telling me that he is “entitled” to have regular sex
Urgh.

RatherBeRiding · 30/01/2023 13:50

Difficult. The sexual nature of your relationship has shifted dramatically, but only on your side. He is entitled to feel frustrated and that he has been given no choice in the matter. However, his reaction to that frustration is appalling. And for that reaction alone I wouldn't feel like compromising. And I would be explaining exactly why.

A bit of 'maintenance sex' with a partner who is respectful and good natured is one thing and I reckon a lot of partners of both sexes do this in order to keep the relationship sweet. However, being bullied into sex is something else entirely and is pretty abusive.

Shoxfordian · 30/01/2023 13:51

He’s coercing you into sexual activity which you don’t want; you’re right op there is a word for it and that word is rapist. I don’t think you should stay with him for 5 minutes longer.

ednatheevilwitch · 30/01/2023 13:55

I think couples can work through changes in sexual appetites as and when then happen if both parties feel loved, respected and heard. Given that he is being such an abusive coercive shit about it then there is less likely to be a solution to this that you are both happy with. Sulking does nothing for a partners libido and I suspect if you begin to think about it he has aspects of emotional abuse that he displays in other areas of your relationship. This would be the beginning of the end for me.

LCforlife · 30/01/2023 13:56

He's abusive. A good man would be understanding and willing to work on any issues including sexual comparability.

An abusive man pulls this shit. Aside from how wrong his behaviour is, does he really think this is the way he can convince you to want to have sex more? What a deluded cunt!

LCforlife · 30/01/2023 13:57

Clearly I meant compatibility!

Warspite · 30/01/2023 14:02

angsty

“Sexual incompatibility can be a serious issue in a relationship. Sometimes you can find ways to work it out together, at other times it can be a deal breaker. I can understand his frustration but the way he is dealing with it is (IMHO) unforgivable and leads me to seriously doubt you can resolve this. Frankly, I am surprised you haven't checked out, if not actually walked out given how vile and entitled he is being. I also wonder if his behaviour over this is an insight into his personality more generally. I find it hard to believe someone with such a toxic attitude over libido mismatch can otherwise be a wonderful and caring partner.”

THIS!! I have been there. He was a full on narc too. Made my life a misery for years.

Emmamoo89 · 30/01/2023 14:04

You deserve better ❤️

KimMG · 30/01/2023 14:05

Just an observation from a male point of view - My wife took any intimacy off the table a couple of years ago - Although it causes some frustration ( for me ! ), I love her and looking at all the other ( fantastic ) aspects of our relationship I feel this is a small price to pay considering everything else we have.
Sorry for your predicament OP, but just wanted to say that not all men live for sex.
I hope things work out for you.

XmasElf10 · 30/01/2023 14:10

I agree with some other posters. I’ve been ok to go along with some maintenance sex in a long term relationship and have been on the other end of a partners with no libido. It can be indeed frustrating and hurtful for your partner to keep turning you down over a long time period.
BUT (and it’s a big one) your partner is hardly approaching this in a loving and respectful way. He’s being a coercive shit and I don’t think I’d be able to put up with this.

Original poster

angsty · 30/01/2023 14:18

Thanks for the replies. Leaving him would be a total nuclear option, for many reasons, I cannot just walk out. (Just some: We have a young disabled child we parent together and who would be devastated by a split, DH would take me for a fortune as I am a high earner and he gave up a lucrative career many years ago to be the stay at home parent, I have mental health issues which mean that my being alone would be potentially a real and dangerous problem for me, and at my age (and with my baggage) I very much doubt I will find another partner). I do think he is being bullying, but aside from this issue I really like him and his company and have until recently really loved our life together. And I am the one who has changed the relationship dynamic, from what he thought he was getting into eighteen years ago.

I get what people are saying though, I have to think about it all.

OP posts:

Greentree1 · 30/01/2023 14:26

Why not? If he wanted you to do (almost) anything else just to please him you probably would.

Have you tried HRT that might give your Libido a boost!

KittyCatChat · 30/01/2023 14:46

He is a shit. Urgh the bulling and coercive behaviour would be the end for me.

Pinkbonbon · 30/01/2023 15:11

Well its time to call this 'relationship' a day.
Who gives a fuck if he used to be decent! Because now he's an abusive pig.

Time to go!
Tbf, you had a long run. 18 years! People change a lot in 18 years. Often towards incompatibility. Or in your partners case apparently, into bastards.

theDudesmummy · 30/01/2023 15:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster

angsty · 30/01/2023 16:06

I have tried HRT, for quite some time, and although it helped with some other symptoms it did not do anything for my libido. I am not on it any more as I did not think the rather minor benefits outweighed the risks.

My first marriage ended after 18 years. In that case he was the one who was not sexually interested (turns out he was gay), and I strayed. Perhaps that plays into my feelings now a bit...I know what it's like to have the shoe on the other foot...

OP posts:

Smooshface · 30/01/2023 16:56

If you can't split then realistically what are your options? You have sex when you don't want to - will this help, or will you ressent him and feel sexually abused? I don't think I'd want to force having sex, that would be terrible.
Could you open up the relationship? You run the risk of ruining it forever, but currently it doesn't sound like it is enjoyable for you.
Could you investigate counselling? Individual, couples and sex therapy?
I definitely would talk to gp and see if there is a root cause for you, it may not feel like a priority if you feel ok generally but could be worth it if you want to save this relationship.

ShakespearesBlister · 30/01/2023 17:30

It sounds awful but relationships with mismatched sex drives are rarely the happiest. It is fine that you don't want it but I think it's a little unrealistic not to expect the other party in the relationship who does want sex to feel rejected at being knocked back every time they instigate sex. Some people can take it or leave it. Others can't. His need is not going to change because yours has but the real question is can the relationship survive this? You can't be pressured into sex but he isn't going to magically stop wanting it so it seems a decision point has finally arrived u fortunately.

ShakespearesBlister · 30/01/2023 17:36

angsty · 30/01/2023 16:06

That almost makes it more difficult for you to continue this way if you strayed because your partner didn't want sex. You know then what being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want sex feels like. There's a chance history might repeat itself here whether you like it or not.

Original poster

angsty · 30/01/2023 17:53

I do have some sympathy for him.on the sexual issue, and I am the one who has changed. I do find his behaviour around it problematic though. And I find myself wondering, are all men that simple and basic about sex? Circumstances are not so relevent as long as you "get" the sex? He must know that sulking and nagging me into having sex will mean that there is at least a chance some of the sex is going to be just placatory rather than enthusiatically entered into. And yet that is OK, and still makes him very cheerful, just as long as he just gets to have sex?

OP posts:

chupachump · 30/01/2023 19:27

angsty · 30/01/2023 17:53

That would be a horrifying thought for any decent man. I've been with my partner for many years and he absolutely would not want to have sex if I wasn't totally up for it. He's even hesitant if I'm drunk and will make sure I'm sure despite knowing I like drunk sex with him.

I see all the reasons why you would struggle being a single parent but this isn't ok so if you can't leave then your relationship needs a reset and an agreement on how to proceed from here.

Flip

1 2 3