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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

sexual issue

51 replies

angsty · 30/01/2023 13:29

NC for this. I just wondered about people’s thoughts. I have been married to my DH (my second H) for eighteen years, and when our relationship started, as is often the case, it was extremely sexual (in fact he was a one night stand I picked up at a party and took to a hotel). He turned out to be a keeper in many ways, and we married and had a child together, who is now 13. Many things about our life and relationship work extremely well, we adore our child, both work hard and do our share of the household tasks, childcare, and everything else. We have a lot of shared interests and values and we can have a lot of fun together when things are going well. I am the family breadwinner and he has always been great about having no problem with that.

The issue is a sexual one. He is 8 years younger than me. I have gone through menopause and my libido took a nosedive. Although I am not completely averse to some sex, I want it less often. He has the same (very high) libido as ever. This is causing a lot of friction between us, he is constantly annoyed with me, to the extent of giving me the silent treatment, being rude to me in front of other people, including his adult children, and being generally “off” with me all the time. When I challenge him, he cites the lack of sex and tells me that he can’t accept that we only have sex on “my terms” i.e. when I feel like it. I once spoke up about that, unfortunately in anger, after a lot of rudeness from him, and said that there is a word for men who have sex with women who do not want to have sex at that moment. This has made things worse, he has started accusing me of “feminist shit” and telling me that he is “entitled” to have regular sex and if he doesn’t “get it” from me, he will look elsewhere. He has also started accusing me of having affairs, saying that if I am not “giving it” to him I must be “giving it to someone else”. I have to go away for a few nights for work quite regularly and he becomes angry about this, accusing me of meeting up with men while I am away (nothing could be further from my mind).

When we do have sex he cheers right up and is all sweetness and light for several days before starting the angry, silent and accusatory shit again. My question is, should I just do what I imagine many millions of women throughout history have done, and have sex both when I want it and sometimes, when I don’t particularly want it, just to keep him sweet. It goes against my principles but on the other hand, fifteen minutes of sexual activity every few days does me no harm but makes a world of difference and makes things infinitely more pleasant not just for me but for everyone around him (including our 13-year-old child). I am quite willing for people to say, yes, that’s what marriage is, compromise…

OP posts:

C1N1C · 30/01/2023 19:30

If the foundation of a relationship is sex is it any surprise that when it disappears, so does the stability?...

DonnaBanana · 30/01/2023 20:13

Tell him he’s got a hand if he’s that bothered! Sex really sorts the men from the boys. A proper DH will not complain or sulk even if you said you didn’t want to have sex ever again which isn’t even the case here. Is your relationship built on love or sex? Tell him to jog on

Woolwichgirl · 30/01/2023 21:06

Men and their sexual entitlement again.

Tinkerbyebye · 30/01/2023 21:12

No you don’t do it when you don’t want to

send him some links from the internet about menopause and lowering libido and let him read about it

I would also tell him sulking and carrying on is a real turn off

Johnduttonsbuttocks · 30/01/2023 21:12

These fucking entitled babies.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/01/2023 21:24

I find myself wondering, are all men that simple and basic about sex?

Why are you making this a man thing when you were so unhappy not getting the sex you wanted from your ex you had an affair?! He hasn’t cheated or left you.

The way he’s behaving is appalling, there’s no excuse for the things he’s said. I can’t see how you won’t in time go so off the idea of trying to placate him you won’t be able to tolerate him shagging you at all.

However, you’re a woman and it was a major dealbreaker for you so don’t make it a man/woman issue when mismatched libidos are as damaging whomever’s gone off it.

Shoxfordian · 30/01/2023 21:34

Yeah that’s ok with him because he is a predator - that’s why he’s continually coercing you into sex he knows you don’t want. Do you have daughters op? Would you want them to be in a relationship like this?

Joey69 · 30/01/2023 21:55

Hi OP,
Im basically your husband, my DP has been through menopause and now has 0 sex drive , no libido, and recently pronounced she would be happy never having sex again, which is her choice of course, so now am I supposed to be celibate for the rest of my life ?, that seems to the the option if we stay together.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/01/2023 22:24

I don’t know. I struggle with this. I haven’t minded doing it with good natured partners who seem frustrated, but I instinctively refuse when men act like your DH has

this
I think many married women have sex to keep their husband happy , or rather start sex when they feel tired and end up getting into it
I know I did with my ex

but he’s being a total cunt about it isn’t he ?

chupachump · 30/01/2023 22:53

Joey69 · 30/01/2023 21:55

Do you sulk and try to coerce her into having sex with you? Do you have sex with her even if you know she doesn't want to?

If not, then you're not her partner. I hope not because he sounds horrible.

It's really sad and I don't envy your position at all but the answer is never to behave like a bully and nasty arsehole.

9thFloorNightmare · 30/01/2023 23:04

Try couple's counselling?

iamenough2023 · 30/01/2023 23:29

I think that you only have few options OP: try hormone therapy, couples therapy or go different ways. I do not think your husband would be happy living in a sexless marriage and I do not suggest you force yourself to have sex if you do not feel like it, as it is a very sad way to live (speaking from a personal experience).

These days, after I have been separated from my ex for almost two years, my bedroom has become my sanctuary. Going to bed alone is the best feeling of all, would not trade it for anything. Good luck op.💕

Elesieu · 22/02/2023 18:47

I there, I understand your frustration but for what I can see you are being advised by women opinions alone and I believe they are one sided since none of them knows exactly how you feel when you don’t get that “sexual healing” not only for physical reasons but emotional ones too!
I do not agree with the way he is being abusive or not as pleasant as he normally is but I personally feel real pain if I do not have my regular relive of sexual tensions, that being said it doesn’t mean that you should do it not wanting too but there are other ways to connect and make him feel better in that sense and it works!
one of the problems is when you are in a relationship you expect to to have a normality in your sexual needs and that’s the reason why you don’t feel like locking yourself in the toilette and relieve yourself because you need real intimacy with the person your are with, it’s a completely different realm being a man.
I know it’s sad for not being so simple yet that’s the true.

SimoneSimone · 22/02/2023 19:28

Although your husband's behaviour leaves a lot to be desired, he shouldn't be expected to stay in this relationship now the dynamic was changed by you. It is best you split now and end this unhappy situation. Find a way to fulfill your co-parenting duties and take the hit on the divorce. It must be unpleasant for him having to persuade you to have sex with him, when in the past you were enthusiastic. Many men would simply call it day without a second thought.

Opentooffers · 22/02/2023 19:32

Have you tried testosterone, that's been known to help on the libido side of things?
I hope you have fully explained to him why you have no libido. That he thinks you must be getting it elsewhere suggest that he envisages you having the same libido as ever and hasn't taken on board that you don't feel like it at all, with anyone.
I'm probably a bit menopausal, but my libido is still around. If it ever went I'd seriously look into fixing it as it has always been a part of my life that I'd hate to lose. You seem to have just accepted it though, which seems defeatist. I don't think anyone should have sex they don't want, but I do think exhausting all avenues to get the mojo back is reasonable. If nothing works, fair enough. Meantime his attitude is going to add to it. Sitting him down and explaining it all is the best you can do, he either works with you to help the situation or he makes it worse.

Biscuits1011 · 22/02/2023 19:39

How often are you having sex “on your terms” at the moment? If it’s at least once a week I’d say he’s a twat and that’s enough to not be acting the way he is… but if it’s less than that I’d try and have it more. Sex is important in a relationship. But I don’t think you’re being unreasonable as such because you can’t help that you don’t fancy it; but then that’s relationships… you sometimes have to compromise. He’s out of order saying he will get it elsewhere though, that would piss me off.

GoldDuster · 22/02/2023 19:41

he has started accusing me of “feminist shit” and telling me that he is “entitled” to have regular sex and if he doesn’t “get it” from me, he will look elsewhere. He has also started accusing me of having affairs, saying that if I am not “giving it” to him I must be “giving it to someone else”.

Well if that's not enough to make your knees slam shut when he walks in the room, I don't know what is. Jesus Christ.

Yes, mismatched sexual drive is a pain in the arse and can be a big deal in a relationship.

No, it is not an excuse for manipulation, coercion and bullying. The fact that you are considering taking one for the team every few days so your child has a nicer time, is vile. I'm so sorry.

There is no excuse for his behaviour. None.

BreviloquentBastard · 22/02/2023 19:47

So your husband expects you to allow him to rape you, sees no problem with that, gets defensive when that view is challenged, and you wish to stay with this person?

May I ask why???

1Wanda1 · 22/02/2023 19:52

I don't think it's unreasonable per se of your DH to get the hump about only getting to have sex on your terms. Suggesting he has rapist tendencies for wanting it when you don't is overly reductive in my view (unless he does actually force you, of course).

I saw someone else on here mention the work of a relationships/sex therapist called David Schnarch recently. I looked him up and watched a couple of YouTubes of him. Interesting stuff. He talks about this issue, of relationships with mismatched libidos, in terms of the person with the lower libido being in control of the sex and when it happens, and how couples can address that. Worth a look, I think, as it reframed the way I think about it. I have been the lower libido partner so I do understand.

1Wanda1 · 22/02/2023 19:54

P.S. I didn't find HRT helped with my libido, until I added testosterone into the mix, which restored it to where it had been about 10 years ago (I'm 46).

seylen · 22/02/2023 20:01

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

piedbeauty · 22/02/2023 20:49

I am the family breadwinner and he has always been great about having no problem with that.

🙄🙄🙄🙄 Bully for him.

He's a sex pest.

Yuk.

He's sulky, manipulative and emotionally abusive.

I'd leave him.

Hawkins003 · 22/02/2023 20:54

@angsty only you know what's best op, all the best and positively

Contrition · 24/02/2023 08:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Eleganz · 24/02/2023 12:51

You are in an escalating cycle and your communication is really poor on this issue. His behaviour is really poor, but did you really think insulating he was a rapist was going to help solve the issue?

If you want to solve this and stay together you need to find a far better way to communicate and perhaps that has to be through some relationship counselling or similar.

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