Feeling desperate at situation with my parents please any advice?

[Nesssad]

Moved last summer with my newborn baby after my partner left. He’s not been in touch since but that’s another story. I moved to be nearer family but as they are quite remote it had to be the same village or not at all really. I moved from a big city which I loved, largely as my parents said I wouldn’t cope etc alone ,.. I’m 37 so really shouldn’t have listened but I was extremely vulnerable at the time.

now we are here it’s been nonstop small level invasive stuff. Contacting the council on my behalf about bins so I have emails coming through as if I’ve made an enquiry. Commenting on where my car is parked and actually shouting that it’s not in the right place and paint will get damaged due to birds. Asking why the outside lights are on. Going round the back of the house (with my knowledge) and going on about their need to come and weed as ‘it’s a disgrace.’ Constant comments about how messy it is… it is messy but it’s a huge house with a small baby and I’m on my own so it’s not always pristine. Comments about how high the heating is, changing radiator nobs when my back is turned … sounds funny but it’s exhausting. Im called regularly by my mum in particular and get lots of ‘how are you coping?’ Which depresses me as im fine just sick of my privacy being invaded.

I been furious about these things and made it clear I don’t like it. The response is that I’m ungrateful, I’m rude, I live in a mess, I can’t cope (apparently?!), I do need them as I’m not behaving like an adult.., and lots of other insane things to say to a grown woman.

im massively struggling with losing my life as I knew it… I was in a highly paid managerial position, lived 1.5 hours away, busy life with huge independence. The way they are treating me now is making me feel so small, at a time I am having to deal with my partner leaving and having my life as I knew it stripped away.

am I being a dick here? I guess they are trying to help but I feel like I have no identity anymore. Just constant involvement in my life and then if I do dare ask for help (I asked for some washibg tablets on their way home the other day) it seems to be evidence for them that I can’t cope without them. I feel like an infant. I wish I was further away again where my life was my own.

You're not being a dick- they sound unbearable. Can you move back to the city? Are you working? What happened to the managerial job>?

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I've had a baby not long ago myself and it is impossible to keep on top of everything, especially when you are on your own.

To add first, things will settle with baby. Once he/she gets a bit older you'll notice patterns of routine and be able to take that time back for yourself when baby naps etc. For now, do not do anything. Rest when baby rests. Housework and anything else can wait.

If I'm honest, your parents sound a bit controlling. You are 37 years old. I'm not saying you should, but if it was me, I'd be half tempted to tell them to eff off. There is absolutely no reason that a woman of your stature and capability cannot cope with a baby and the day to day running of a house.

Have your parents always been this way?

After you've had a baby emotions are bonkers. I'm a bit concerned they're going to ground you right down with constant nagging.

It sounds like your self-esteem has taken a huge bashing. I’m really sorry your partner left you with a baby. That’s exceptionally poor.

Sounds like its time to move back to the city, back to your job and find a lovely nursery for LO. I think you might find that you would cope quite well. Sometimes the best way to have a good relationship with your family is to have some distance between you.

Sometimes we make decisions- especially in times of stress - which don’t work out. It’s embarrassing to back-track but in this case possibly better all round.

Make a plan to get back to work and to your life. It’s lovely that your parents want to help but living this close isn’t working for you or for them.

Move. You are better off without their 'help'.

It does sound unbearable. I was going to advise losing your rag at them but i see you've done that. Can you move back to the city?

Move back as soon as you can.

They see themselves as helpful I bet but this is completely undermining you. And in the meantime, tell them they are upsetting you, ask them to stop coming around uninvited or you’ll x, y or z and stop leaning on them (eg don’t ask for dishwasher tablets).

Absolutely move back. The time when your child is a small baby is very short. Life changes considerably as they get older. If you were well-paid in your previous role, you should be in a good position to afford the childcare you need. But you need your freedom and your sense of self back. This is hard enough when becoming a parent, but your parents shouldn't be making it even harder.

From personal experience, I had a situation with my mum that was similar (though we lived far from each other, different countries). She was very hung up on how I 'wouldn't cope' with a baby or 'wouldn't cope with two' or I needed 'help' with something in particular. Actually I always coped just fine, I was mid 30s when I had my first, happily married to a supportive dh who carried the weight of parenting equally even while also having a successful career, we had no family help, did everything ourselves and managed it all just fine. No evidence ever of not coping.

But her perception of me not coping was a bit of a mix of the fact that she didn't cope well with parenting, even with a lot of family support (my grandparents had me full-time 9-6 from 3 months old and did all the school runs until I was 10). And the combined with a fragile sense of self-worth that meant she always had to feel like people in her life needed her to survive. She had no identity other than serving people and trying to fix the misfits. I wasn't one, so I became a real focus of her angst because she wanted to do everything for me and know that she was 'needed' because I wouldn't survive otherwise and if she 'fixed' it, then I would never not 'need' her.

Not saying that's what's happening here, but sometimes people's own needs for being wanted get mixed up in not respecting others boundaries. It's not healthy and it's exhausting, probably for both of you. It sounds like firmer boundaries and perhaps some physical distance are needed.

Beyond that, don't give up your life and your career. The really intense early days don't last forever. One day, you'll be grateful to live near great career opportunities, more activities, friends and colleagues you have more in common with, etc. because you won't be so completely focussed on a tiny baby.

It’s understandable you would want to live near your parents when you had a baby and you were on your own. I did the same but my mum and dad helped me but did not interfere.

This is an unbearable situation for you. I would definitely think about moving. Your baby will soon grow and you can think about where you would like your child to go to school and move there. Making a plan will help you feel loads better.

Move back to the city!

do you still have your old job? Are you on mat leave?

you will cope and feel like your old self again when you get back there and into work.

You’ll have a better relationship with your parents - and your baby will have a better relationship with its grandparents- if you move further away. Instant boundaries.

They’ve probably undermined you all your life (in subtle, ‘loving’ ways) and that’s why you knee-jerk decided to move as you felt you wouldn’t cope.

But you can cope. You will.

Start job-hunting (or talking to work about returning from maternity leave, if appropriate) and look for childcare and a new place to live.

Thanks so much.

I feel guilty as they do nice things, bring food now and then and help financially bite and there. But I just feel like my entire life is on display for them to analyse. Was I wrong to lose it over the council thing?

im on mat leave and can go back to work. When I mentioned moving beck it was met with ‘well we can’t help you if you do that’ and ‘why would you move from this lovely house’ etc.

I just want to be where it’s busier. I’m sick of the suggestion I don’t cope when I’ve coped with circumstances that have been very difficult. I’ve managed fine for years away from them and now I’m treated like a teen. I’m not even out of bed today that’s how bloody low I am about it all.

Go back.

They are actually making your life harder- you'll cope better without them.

You will get on better from a distance. They sound exhausting and intrusive.

Except that being exhausted and sad and stressed can cause a person to snap excessively… even to be angry and aggressive. and to experience small insults as infuriating and unbearably hostile.

so I’d doublecheck with myself that I’m not depressed before I up sticks. I’d make time for yoga and for being kind to me… so that I have more space in my soul to fit in (and gloss over) silly comments about bins.

You've tried living closer to them, it didn't work. It's good that you have found that out, and you can now go back to the city with certainty that it's the right choice.

Congratulations on your baby.

@Aldibag what about contacting the council? That was a step too far for me. But I agree things seem worse when you’re already a bit miserable.

When I mentioned moving beck it was met with ‘well we can’t help you if you do that’ and ‘why would you move from this lovely house’ etc.

I just want to be where it’s busier.

And that’s OK! You can make that decision.

Yes, your parents will be disappointed but they’ll get over it.

honestly, I hate contacting the council. I hate all that admin crap and if someone did it on my behalf and stuck my email in so I’d get the response back, it would suit me.

but that’s not the point.

the point is, you’ve had a new baby, a dreadful partner, a house move and a change of everything. Stress is cumulative and you’re amazing to still be on your feet at this juncture. (Albeit in bed right now). So make sure you are doing massage, yoga, cake, art and all the things that allow you more margin in your self. Things for you.

let these people bother thinking about bins and tutting at the ironing on the floor. You deserve some genuine tlc - not another house move!

get them to babysit and go to the movies for yourself.

Back to work, back to your life. Thank them for everything they have done to help you up to now, but it's time to stand on your own two feet now.

Move back, you'll find you can cope fine without them and the distance will probably improve your relationship with them anyway.

If you don't move back I assume you then won't have a job?

You need to move. They need to be weekend or occasional grandparents.

You may be able to access some financial help as a single parent so you can get childcare.

Go back!

How about her job?

How about her own life?

One of the big BIG things about the wisdom you learn growing up is the ability to recognise when a wrong move has been made and change course!

You thought it might be good.
It's not.
So do something else. It's fine.