Feeling desperate at situation with my parents please any advice?

[Nesssad]

Moved last summer with my newborn baby after my partner left. He’s not been in touch since but that’s another story. I moved to be nearer family but as they are quite remote it had to be the same village or not at all really. I moved from a big city which I loved, largely as my parents said I wouldn’t cope etc alone ,.. I’m 37 so really shouldn’t have listened but I was extremely vulnerable at the time.

now we are here it’s been nonstop small level invasive stuff. Contacting the council on my behalf about bins so I have emails coming through as if I’ve made an enquiry. Commenting on where my car is parked and actually shouting that it’s not in the right place and paint will get damaged due to birds. Asking why the outside lights are on. Going round the back of the house (with my knowledge) and going on about their need to come and weed as ‘it’s a disgrace.’ Constant comments about how messy it is… it is messy but it’s a huge house with a small baby and I’m on my own so it’s not always pristine. Comments about how high the heating is, changing radiator nobs when my back is turned … sounds funny but it’s exhausting. Im called regularly by my mum in particular and get lots of ‘how are you coping?’ Which depresses me as im fine just sick of my privacy being invaded.

I been furious about these things and made it clear I don’t like it. The response is that I’m ungrateful, I’m rude, I live in a mess, I can’t cope (apparently?!), I do need them as I’m not behaving like an adult.., and lots of other insane things to say to a grown woman.

im massively struggling with losing my life as I knew it… I was in a highly paid managerial position, lived 1.5 hours away, busy life with huge independence. The way they are treating me now is making me feel so small, at a time I am having to deal with my partner leaving and having my life as I knew it stripped away.

am I being a dick here? I guess they are trying to help but I feel like I have no identity anymore. Just constant involvement in my life and then if I do dare ask for help (I asked for some washibg tablets on their way home the other day) it seems to be evidence for them that I can’t cope without them. I feel like an infant. I wish I was further away again where my life was my own.

What are your plans for returning to work and childcare? Are you going to need your parents to help in any way?

You need to start reasserting some boundaries, but pick your battles carefully. If they want to do a bit of gardening, I'd let them get on with it - who has time for that with a tiny baby to look after? When it comes to indoors, then you need to decide on a strategy and stick to it.

Suggestions:
Totally ignore all critical comments and do not respond or react.
Call them out on it - "Mum and Dad, since you've been here today, you've criticised me 6 times. That isn't very kind and it's not helping me at all".
MN classics - vague 'mmm' or 'it works for me' or 'thanks, but I'll carry on doing it my way' etc.
Create some distance - don't see them so often. Put dates in the diary to see them rather than allowing constant spontaneous visits.
If you can't face having it out with them again, or it risks degenerating into a row, perhaps you could put it in writing (a nice card saying thank you for all their help, but now you need some space to find your feet?)

You can't change them, but you can change how you react to them. Unfortunately you're probably not in the strongest frame of mind right now, and you do need their help some of the time. It's so hard, you know they mean well, but they are grinding you down.

This sound so overbearing, I really feel for you. In your shoes I would move back. I don’t even think you need to see it as going “back”. You made a decision at the time that suited you for that period of your life, eg. not knowing what solo parenting a newborn would be like and having the reassurance of people to help nearby if you needed them.

You’re now out of that stage, onto a new stage of your life, that of being an independent mum with a growing child, career, friends, and activities on your doorstep. Go grab that new life!

There may be days in the future when your DC has the latest nursery bug coinciding perfectly with your most important meetings and on those few days you’ll kick yourself for being away from family, but it sounds like the majority of your time would be infinitely better than now so you’ll get through those crap days for the benefit of the good days. Good luck OP!

They sound suffocating OP. Move and put DC into a nice nursery. It'll cost more but that way you can do what you want without being beholden to people. I reckon they're just feeling a teensy bit invalidated that you're doing everything they both did when you were a child, without the family help they relied on. Does that sound about right?

Are you office-based (or similar) or do you WFH?
Do you still have your former residence to return to?

I'd suggest you start planning your return.
Accommodation, child care etc.
See old friends.
On no account allow your parents to child mind for you regularly.
They can't 'help' if you move away? I'm sure you'll get over it. Tell them the only way you will ever learn to manage is if you have to. So it's going to be ok.
(I know you could manage before, you currently are doing, and will continue to do so )

I dint know about you but it seems that the OP parents are making her even more stressed.

I mean who cares about birds and a car?
who cares About the heating being turned too high - if they are not the ones to lay the bill? What gives them the right to not just turn the thermostat down but to turn them down on the radiators Wo telling the OP?

And do you spend your time putting some who is stressed and struggling down? Comment about how untidy the house is etc? Or do you propose some help Wo commenting?

@Nesssad I’d look at moving back to where you were, incl your job.

Its really not clear that your parents are helping as such (as in some good stuff but some difficult ones too - on balance, is ut worth it?(
But it sounds like you are struggling with being that close and the being in each others pocket anyway.

Seriously, look at getting your life back. The one you wanted, with the right job, the right type of town etc…
That will make you happier than trying to fit into a model/life that doesn’t suit you.

Oh good grief, they’re unbearable. Move back and go back to work. Of course your parents are going on about not being able to interfere and nag “help” if you go back - they’re loving it! Having you there to boss around and tut at is a busybody’s dream.
Yes I agree, it’s not right for someone to contact the council on someone’s behalf unless that person has asked them to. They are infantilising you. You used the word invasive and that is the right word for their behaviour.
To be honest, someone shouting at me for parking my car in a spot that’s not to their liking would be too much as well.
You’ve been through a difficult time and they are making your life harder by chipping away at you. You’ll feel so much better when you’ve taken back control of your life. You ARE coping, you know you are. Going back to work won’t be easy but at least you’ll be free of this nonsense. And you won’t feel small. It’s awful of them to make you feel like that.

You need to move back to the city, all this ‘help’ and ‘advice’ will chip away at your self esteem and you might even start to agree with their rubbish.
You’re unhappy living so close to your parents. Do what you want to do, you are the best judge of what will make you happiest.

Two choices - either a frank conversation - I am having the usual challenges that someone in my situation would have and it is not helpful for you to keep commenting in this way (or interfering, calling people, etc etc) so I need it to stop. And see how they do. Or just decide that it is not working and you would be better where you were before and make arrangements to move. Better to do it sooner rather than later.

You're not being a dick. Tbh I'd tell my mother off if it was me, but I don't know your relationship.

Sometimes there's help and then there's help that comes with such a big price tag, it's barely help at all.

Could you have a weekend away, just you and baby, for a break? Somewhere where you can meet up with old friends, or where there are things to do.

I think you need to move back in good time, because You need to be thinking ahead to when you do return to work and finding a good nursery, which may take time, and maybe negotiating some work-from-home days to ease the transition or so that you can pick up earlier.

If you find a nice nursery, you can also meet other mums and find out about good babysitters. If you can put her in the nursery for half a day a week or a day a week to give yourself some time to breathe.

I would hit the absolute roof and there would be a slanging match because i wouldnt be able to put up with it. I'm often "act first, think later" when it comes to my parents.

HOWEVER, I do not advise you to go down this road. I would tell them that they need to back off. You do not want their interference and that you're thinking of moving back to the city if they don't. If they have a key, take it off them.

I was reading your post and it reminded me about time when I had a newborn and my parents visited every day. I got so sick of them treating me like a teen again, that one day I've lost my rag when I found out my DM re-arranged my kitchen towels in a draw!
I should tell you to be happy that they are trying to help you, but it's really really hard to accept it as a 'good' thing! I really hated it. Now we moved about an hour away, DC is a teen, so now it is my turn to look after my DParents and sort their bins 🤣

@TaxCreditsHelp But why should she accept it? It isn't help and it isn't a good thing. It's interfering and not helping her. She didn't want them to contact the council. How is it helping her to shout at her because she parked her car in a spot they didn't approve of?
Unwanted "help" isn't help. It's done for the satisfaction of the helper, not to benefit the person they're imposing their help on.

I’d move away. Doesn’t have to be back to the big city. Can be anywhere at least a few hours from your parents. It’s not help if it’s always on their terms.