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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I right to be upset with MIL?

27 replies

EllieM103 · 29/01/2023 19:29

Hi all,

My partner doesn't have a particularly close relationship with my MIL. Since we've been together I've always encourage him to spend time with her etc.

A few months after having DD1, I set up a small business to support my maternity pay. This involved wholesaling particular items and reselling them online.

In the handful of times MIL has seen DD1 (who is now 6 months old), she has questioned me on every detail of my business, what I buy, where from, where I sell, postage etc.

She has then proceeded to do nothing more than the exact same thing! I feel really disappointed, used, and angry.

I feel that she doesn't have my partners, my daughters, or my best interests at heart as this business is purely to support DD1 whilst on mat leave.

Am I over reacting? How do you handle being angry at MIL? It's affecting my relationship with my partner now as I feel irritated at him too for telling her things, which I'm sure was done out all innocence.

Thanks x

OP posts:
Nimo12 · 29/01/2023 19:35

Yeah I'd be furious. I don't know if I'd be justified in feeling that way or not, but I would be and I couldn't not let her know how disappointed I was. Have you asked her about it and explained your annoyance? What does your partner think? Id also be furious if my mum did this to my partner.

WednesdaysNameIsFullOfWoe · 29/01/2023 19:36

That’s really not nice of her.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/01/2023 19:38

Start by telling her nothing, absolutely nothing from this point on.
She goes through your DP if she wants any sort of relationship going forwards.

Did you not think to ask her why she wanted to know suppliers etc.

She's gone into competition with her DiL. Do it better and be better than her!

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2023 19:41

Don't blame your partner, I imagine he feels worse than you do.

I wouldn't bother with her again and if asked I would say that since all you ever talked about was your business, and she used you, you don't think you really have anything to talk about.

Sight caveat... is it very niche and therefore she's literally stealing business or is there room for both of you?

Longsight2019 · 29/01/2023 19:42

Is she in direct competition or is the market that huge that your sales have been largely unaffected? Has she affected your turnover?

Original poster
EllieM103 · 29/01/2023 20:07

@Nimo12 thank you for replying.

I haven't said anything, as I dont want to say anything that I can't take back.

My DP phoned MIL and explained why I was upset but it didn't seem to phase her, she almost justified it to him?

X

OP posts:
Original poster
EllieM103 · 29/01/2023 20:10

@LookItsMeAgain thank you for replying.

I was very selective about what I told her as I smelt a rat, but then my partner went to see her and told her, I think he was excited it was working for me and didn't expect the outcome to be what it was.

I've tried to up the hours I put into it to make sure it's not affected, but that has had an impact on my relationship with DP, and my own mental health.

X

OP posts:
Speakingofdinosaurs · 29/01/2023 20:19

Gosh that’s quite a shocking betrayal by your MIL.
Is your DP seeing that she has massively betrayed him too?
I would be fuming and I think, unable to help taking it out on him too.
I would cut all contact with MIL because I would not want such a conniving, deceitful person anywhere near my DD!

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2023 20:22

Please try to see that your DP has also suffered. And worse because it's his mum. Be a united front.

Mari9999 · 29/01/2023 20:43

If you told her about a profitable business and she decided to start the same or similar business how in the world does that possibly effect your business? Are you the only one in your county, city,or state engaging in that business? Do you hate everyone who has a similar business? Are you trying to offer your products or services to the same family members and friends? If so won't they just opt to use the best service or the most affordable products?

You are presenting this as though she is taking something from you. The nature of free enterprise allows and encourages competition.

You might even be flattered that she used you as her role model.

AlisonDonut · 29/01/2023 20:45

Mari9999 · 29/01/2023 20:43

If you told her about a profitable business and she decided to start the same or similar business how in the world does that possibly effect your business? Are you the only one in your county, city,or state engaging in that business? Do you hate everyone who has a similar business? Are you trying to offer your products or services to the same family members and friends? If so won't they just opt to use the best service or the most affordable products?

You are presenting this as though she is taking something from you. The nature of free enterprise allows and encourages competition.

You might even be flattered that she used you as her role model.

Give over. Jesus there are some twats on here.

afinishedkiss · 29/01/2023 20:46

The neck of her!! She slyly gleaned all that info from you and used it to set up the exact same business. I presume she is living fairly near to you too so will be direct competition. I would be really really pissed off at that OP!

afinishedkiss · 29/01/2023 20:47

Mari9999 · 29/01/2023 20:43

If you told her about a profitable business and she decided to start the same or similar business how in the world does that possibly effect your business? Are you the only one in your county, city,or state engaging in that business? Do you hate everyone who has a similar business? Are you trying to offer your products or services to the same family members and friends? If so won't they just opt to use the best service or the most affordable products?

You are presenting this as though she is taking something from you. The nature of free enterprise allows and encourages competition.

You might even be flattered that she used you as her role model.

Cop on!

DMLady · 29/01/2023 20:47

AlisonDonut · 29/01/2023 20:45

Give over. Jesus there are some twats on here.

Show quote history

Ha! This made me laugh. (And yes, there are!)

I’m sorry, OP — that’s really underhand on your MIL’s part.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 29/01/2023 21:02

Next time she asks, make up some bat shit crazy business ideas and see if she'll start doing those

She's not a very nice person

Yummymummy2020 · 29/01/2023 21:08

Oh I would be very annoyed at this! I wouldn’t tell her a thing ever again!!!

WilburTheIron · 29/01/2023 21:13

AlisonDonut · 29/01/2023 20:45

Give over. Jesus there are some twats on here.

Show quote history

This about covers it.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/01/2023 21:49

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2023 20:22

Please try to see that your DP has also suffered. And worse because it's his mum. Be a united front.

How can she be part of a united front with her DP actively working against her?

Her DP needs a kick up the arse for divulging essentially insider information, particularly as it is a small starter business.

BMrs · 30/01/2023 07:10

Yes I'd be fuming! Can you sit down ads a family and discuss it altogether?

LookItsMeAgain · 30/01/2023 08:16

I think you really need to get your DP on side here.

His mother has gone into direct competition with his partner. Not just in business but probably for his affections too. She is setting out her stall here.

She was devious in how she went about setting up the business but because she clearly doesn't see anything wrong with what she has done, having a family discussion around a table is not likely to reap rewards.

I'd see if there is an aspect of your business that can become a unique selling point and do that. Be better at the business than she is. Do better at running your business than she will. Diversify if needs be. Do a night course in something that can add benefit to the business (so your DP will be around) and if you're asked, you're taking up basket weaving or some other off the wall course (not saying that basket weaving is off the wall but if it's not in your usual wheelhouse it might be).

Best of luck with the business and with dealing with MiL!

BitOutOfPractice · 30/01/2023 08:21

I bet your DP didn’t for one second think she’d do this when he told her - I mean who would do this? It’s a dick move. So I’d try and save my anger for MiL who is, indeed, a dick.

I hope he did tell her that he is angry too though. And I hope he is.

ShakespearesBlister · 30/01/2023 08:34

I get it, but I'm intrigued on the nature of the business. How unique is it? If it's something that anyone could do then it's unlikely to take business from you but she's a snake and untrustworthy no question about that. I certainly wouldn't be telling her anything again. Is it likely you can stop the supplier dealing with her? Is she on any kind of benefits where she would need to declare any income? I think you know where I'm going with that one 😉

PegasusReturns · 30/01/2023 08:35

AlisonDonut · 29/01/2023 20:45

Give over. Jesus there are some twats on here.

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Aren’t there just Grin

@Mari9999 i assume you wrote that shit to be contrary not because you’re stupid enough to believe it.

DonatellaBella · 30/01/2023 08:39

Your first paragraph explains this. Your partner doesn't have a close relationship with his mother - there's a reason for that. YOU encouraged him to increase his contact with her, tried to make them closer. Why when it's none of your business? Now you know why he's not close to his mother, because she's not a very nice person and she finds him easy to manipulate.

Unless you explicitly told him not to talk to his mother about the details of your business he hasn't done anything wrong. He couldn't anticipate she'd run off and set up the exact same business because it's not a normal thing for a close relative to do.

What's done is done, so you need to move on and adapt/ diversify your business, and allow your husband to set his own boundaries with his family.

ShakespearesBlister · 30/01/2023 08:44

AlisonDonut · 29/01/2023 20:45

Give over. Jesus there are some twats on here.

Show quote history

To be fair she does raise some quite valid points though. However If you look at the bigger picture this isn't about businesses in competition, it's about broken trust. Perhaps OP can see now why her other half doesn't have a very close relationship with his mother. I'm willing to bet he can recall incidents in the past where she's done similar things.