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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

h texting someone MUCH younger on whatsapp

70 replies

Ausse · 29/01/2023 19:19

Hubby has been acting strange for the last few weeks. I have been suspicious and have finally managed to get into his phone to look…

he has a folder full of pictures of a young girl (late 20s/early 30s) that he has met at work.
they don’t work together but his work place use a service that hers offers if that makes sense. Don’t want to go into too much detail for obvious reasons…

he contacted her, and has sent her pics of him - some insinuating some not. It’s clear he’s trying to impress her with old pics of him when he was her age!!!!
he has logged where she lives, shown her where we live but it’s clear they haven’t met up.. SHE has asked to but he makes excuses…

he tells her he loves her, respects her and wants to get to know her…. ???? Conveniently forgetting his wife of a few years!!!

we have both been married before, and haven’t been married long - 4 years. I have kids from previous marriage.

what do I do now?
do I sit and wait and ‘catch him out?’
what does he want with her?
what possesses a man of 52 to want to pursue a much younger girl??????

help please x

OP posts:
jtaeapa · 29/01/2023 20:01

What a dirty fucker. Since you've been married only 4 years and he isn't your kids' father, there is no reason to stay with him.

Original poster
Ausse · 29/01/2023 20:03

Should I message her?

she does know about me as she asks how we met but he ignored it
shes met the children too, hee messages are friendly and she talks about her partner who she says she’s happy with )not happy enough to not message my husband though 😡

still this isn’t her I know it is him

OP posts:
Nightynightnight · 29/01/2023 20:04

You don't need proof. You have already seen the messages so if he denies it you can simply add liar to the list of reasons to not be with him anymore. If you choose to stay with him it will be extremely difficult to for you to trust him and by the sounds of it him not to be swayed every time a young woman with low self-esteem comes into view. But it's your decision to make. Personally I don't think I could get the respect and desire back after such desperate behaviour.

Original poster
Ausse · 29/01/2023 20:05

I just can’t believe another marriage has failed :( I don’t know what I am doing wrong

OP posts:
LadyMary50 · 29/01/2023 20:06

60smusic · 29/01/2023 19:42

If it were me I'd take down her number then send her a very unflattering recent picture of him, with his age and say you're his wife, then tell him to fuck off

I’m liking your style😂😂

Christmaspyjamas · 29/01/2023 20:07

There's no evidence here you are doing anything wrong!!

You aren't responsible for his stupidity or weakness.

And sadly this sort of thing is so common I'm.not sure there's any solution other than staying away from men altogether.

Nightynightnight · 29/01/2023 20:08

Don't message her. Your beef isn't with her, it's with your husband. Don't let your ego take over here- there is no need to "beat" her or compare or punish her. She really is insignificant because it could literally have been anyone. You need to deal with him so your focus for now should be exploring with yourself or a trusted friend whether you can forgive this duplicitousness, and if not what your next steps are.

MermaidEyes · 29/01/2023 20:09

If you ask me it sounds like she's just messing with him, flirting to see how far he will go. It's an ego boost for her. If she's happy with her partner she probably has no plans to leave. As they say, there's no fool like an old fool and I think your husband is definitely an old fool.

barmesunday · 29/01/2023 20:09

You're not doing anything wrong OP. They all do it. It doesn't matter if they're married to someone as stunning as Christie Brinkley.

Nightynightnight · 29/01/2023 20:12

And don't start thinking this about you or your behaviour either. Your husband has free will. Even if you were doing something within the marriage that he doesn't like, his responsibility to you is to talk with you about it and if he couldn't get past it to separate. But he has chosen to lie and curry attention from another woman. So if there are issues in your marriage, he is still a lying coward. The more likely scenario is he is also full of low self esteem and it is massaging his ego to get attention from her despite knowing their relationship would hurt you. You have done nothing to deserve being lied to.

Original poster
Ausse · 29/01/2023 20:13

MermaidEyes · 29/01/2023 20:09

If you ask me it sounds like she's just messing with him, flirting to see how far he will go. It's an ego boost for her. If she's happy with her partner she probably has no plans to leave. As they say, there's no fool like an old fool and I think your husband is definitely an old fool.

I think you are right

I just wish it hadn’t cost me a marriage for her fun or his shitty ego boost

he even said to her he doesn’t really like brunettes - I AM BRUNETTE

she is blonde obviously 🙄

OP posts:
Annabananna1 · 29/01/2023 20:13

He loves her? They must have been shagging.

Nightynightnight · 29/01/2023 20:17

Nothing he has said to her should be received as a criticism of you. He will be telling her anything to make her feel like she is special. It's a game. She needs to feel like she is more special and more beautiful and more lovable than his wife. He needs her to keep giving him attention and in order to keep it up he has to tell her that she's more special than you.

For you, all that actually matters is that your husband is seeking an affair.

barmesunday · 29/01/2023 20:17

Saying he doesn't like brunettes! What a moron. He's either deluded or lying or flattering her into sex. He wouldn't have married you if he didn't like brunettes.
On the offchance he actually believes that, then he's looking for variety.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 29/01/2023 20:20

Sending strength Op.

It has nothing to do with you. This is about him being weak, needy and pathetic.

So now what? If you ask him he will deny. You need to think about what you want and then act accordingly.

Best of luck.

KittyCatChat · 29/01/2023 20:20

This needs to end. Your marriage.

What a shit. I'd rather a 10th marriage ended rather than be taken for a mug.

It's him, not you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2023 20:21

Ausse · 29/01/2023 20:05

I just can’t believe another marriage has failed :( I don’t know what I am doing wrong

The very very luckiest people in the whole world have one relationship that doesn't end. Every other relationship ends, for all of us. And the luckiest, who have someone they love, one of that couple will be bereaved at some point.

It's a natural thing for us to be heartbroken and fail at love. That's the normal state. It's not you, it's relationships.

He's 100% wanker though.

Itstimetoquit · 29/01/2023 21:01

He's dirty,get rid

Icanflyhigh · 29/01/2023 21:17

Definitely not you, all on him.
Ducks in a row and take him to the cleaners!

samqueens · 29/01/2023 21:38

Ausse · 29/01/2023 20:05

I just can’t believe another marriage has failed :( I don’t know what I am doing wrong

Don’t stay in it just because you don’t want to be divorced again. He’s the failure.

See a solicitor this week, work out what the position is for you financially etc and make a plan. No point confronting him until you have divorce papers ready to go, he will gaslight the hell out of you and convince you it’s a one off/meaningless/you’re crazy etc etc. don’t give him the chance.

You do not need more proof but you need to get out before you become more financially entangled etc, especially as you have children. Do you own a house together?

Original poster
Ausse · 29/01/2023 21:44

samqueens · 29/01/2023 21:38

Don’t stay in it just because you don’t want to be divorced again. He’s the failure.

See a solicitor this week, work out what the position is for you financially etc and make a plan. No point confronting him until you have divorce papers ready to go, he will gaslight the hell out of you and convince you it’s a one off/meaningless/you’re crazy etc etc. don’t give him the chance.

You do not need more proof but you need to get out before you become more financially entangled etc, especially as you have children. Do you own a house together?

Show quote history

Yes we’ve got a beautiful home which I hoped would be our forever home…. We are having renovations on it too

he bought it, but we pay the mortgage together now

OP posts:
blondieblonde · 29/01/2023 21:49

He’s Alan Rickman’s character from Love, Actually, but seedier.

TicketBoo23 · 29/01/2023 21:55

do I sit and wait and ‘catch him out?’

Catch him out doing what?

He's pursuing another woman.

Do you think he'd turn her down if she offered any physical contact? ... It sounds unlikely.

He's not faithful, whether he's actually had physical contact with her or not.

Even if you confronted him and this woman was "discarded" as a conquest to save his skin, it seems likely this behaviour would recur in future.

He evidently likes younger women. He's evidently up for having a go at getting them. It doesn't sound like he's going to get this one (other than a bit of messaging or flirting) ... And that would be par for the course for most older men - the ones who aren't rich anyway. Most are not going to get much younger women. That's probably why he's settled with a nice, attractive, stable woman closer to his age. But he clearly isn't actually satisfied with that. Hence he's chasing and schmoozing much younger women if they give him the slightest chance.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 29/01/2023 21:59

60smusic · 29/01/2023 19:42

If it were me I'd take down her number then send her a very unflattering recent picture of him, with his age and say you're his wife, then tell him to fuck off

Wait until he's snoring and dribbling and take a picture!

What a sad pathetic loser.

Original poster
Ausse · 29/01/2023 21:59

TicketBoo23 · 29/01/2023 21:55

do I sit and wait and ‘catch him out?’

Catch him out doing what?

He's pursuing another woman.

Do you think he'd turn her down if she offered any physical contact? ... It sounds unlikely.

He's not faithful, whether he's actually had physical contact with her or not.

Even if you confronted him and this woman was "discarded" as a conquest to save his skin, it seems likely this behaviour would recur in future.

He evidently likes younger women. He's evidently up for having a go at getting them. It doesn't sound like he's going to get this one (other than a bit of messaging or flirting) ... And that would be par for the course for most older men - the ones who aren't rich anyway. Most are not going to get much younger women. That's probably why he's settled with a nice, attractive, stable woman closer to his age. But he clearly isn't actually satisfied with that. Hence he's chasing and schmoozing much younger women if they give him the slightest chance.

You are so right :(

OP posts: