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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's texting but not asking me out

54 replies

pinksunsets · 29/01/2023 18:42

Met a guy on Bumble. Asked him out. We met up and had a great date! There was some kissing (but that's all). It's been 2 weeks since and he's been in touch regularly but no sign of a second date. And before everyone says just ask him out, it's 2023 etc etc, I asked him out the first time! What's the point of messaging if he's not going to make plans to see me again?

OP posts:
Kolakalia · 30/01/2023 13:18

Watchkeys · 30/01/2023 12:56

He's not game playing though, and nor does he have to be for op to reject him.

and tbf, I don't think OP can reject someone who isn't interested in her. You can reject someone who wants you. I can't reject Christian Bale lol. Well, I can tell myself I am, but unless he actually tries to get together with me it's not rejecting him... daft example but makes the point

EzzieM · 30/01/2023 13:28

Stringing you along while he pursues someone else. If he’s that disrespectful at the beginning, move on.

If he really liked you, you’d know.

Watchkeys · 30/01/2023 14:49

I can know that Christian Bale can't date me, because I've decided that. You can decide to reject somebody, regardless of whether they're making advances on you or not. They might not know you've rejected them, but they will if you need them to.

SideshowAuntSallly · 30/01/2023 15:28

Maybe he's busy, maybe he's had the 'longest month in the history of pay days' and doesn't want to ask whilst he's skint. Not every man has multiple women on the go, not every man wants an ego boost or is game playing. Just ask him does he want to get a date in the diary. There could be any number of reasons he hasn't suggested it.

Kolakalia · 30/01/2023 16:41

Watchkeys · 30/01/2023 14:49

I can know that Christian Bale can't date me, because I've decided that. You can decide to reject somebody, regardless of whether they're making advances on you or not. They might not know you've rejected them, but they will if you need them to.

Fair point, you're right on that. If it makes OP feel better to tell herself she's rejected him then crack on to her, it won't do her any harm. Just feels a bit like 'you can't dump me, i dump you!' level of childishness.

Discontinued · 30/01/2023 16:43

Interesting, as a guy on Hinge, I didn't realise, not into pen pals meant they where after an ONS, i see lots of women write this in their prompts,

If I met a woman and kissed her, I'd almost certainly respond and suggest a second date, or politely message saying its not going to work out.

Its his loss, don't give up there are some really good guys on dating apps, but they tend to get drowned out by the sleazebags and Fboys

He may have just got cold feet, it could be for any number of reasons he may have just come out of a long term relationship and needs time to heal, or he's actually in a relationship and wants a bit on the side.

I thought I was having a rough time getting one or two likes a week and maybe the odd date, (I've had 6 in around year) Sadly none where compatible and one lady even lied to me saying she wanted long term, She got me drunk, slept with me then ghosted me, which although hats off to her for being liberated, still hurt me like hell.

Being rejected is painful, but for many guys you might have to put in hundreds of likes to even get one half hearted reply, which is usually wishy washy and fades out after a few messages.

Without sounding arrogant, for my age, I'm quite a catch. I Work in the NHS. I still have a six pack, I don't have a beer gut , no Asperger's or mental illness and I've still got all my hair and an adorable kitten! but recently its like a ghost town on Hinge!

I sometimes wonder if my profile is too good and a lot of women swipe on me assuming I'm not interested as I must be out of their league, or in high demand or that I'm an Fboy looking only for a hookup!

I think a lot of my women friends where under the impression that, as guys, we get a lot of likes and tons of dates, I would say from most of my male friends experience, they'd be lucky to get 1 date a year! They are decent guys with very good jobs. So unless he's a staggeringly good looking alpha male, I doubt he's dating multiple women.

I'm often told, by colleagues and friends, I'm good looking.
There seems to be an impression amoungst the women at work and my gym. That there's are a queue of women beating down my door wanting to date me, it couldn't be further from the truth!

We tread a fine line as men, I think some men, are a bit timid, as we don't want to appear to be a stalker, needy or a sexpest!

dreammattemousse · 30/01/2023 17:12

Discounted

Wanna go on a date??

Kinda serious haha

dreammattemousse · 30/01/2023 17:25

Discontinued not discounted

Smooth

xJoyPeaceHealthx · 30/01/2023 17:43

He likes you well enough not to 100% reject you but he doesn't like you enough to stop looking.
Have been through this bullshit and I wish I'd interpreted it better at the time. Please learn from my mistakes. I carried on chatting with these losers.

xJoyPeaceHealthx · 30/01/2023 17:50

GoldenCupidon · 30/01/2023 12:13

I loathe the phrase "not looking for a penpal" as I saw it a lot in OLD and I always took it to mean "shag me immediately rather than wasting time with boring old talking". I'd probably message him something like "It's been great fun messaging but it sounds like you're not keen to meet up again so at this point I need to move on. Best of luck."

Oh, yeh from men it could mean that alright. I went on three dates with a man and he said that he was sick of women kicking tires. I was so confused by that. He meant that it took them three dates to shag him I think?! Then he was off. God, heaven forbit women try to figure out if a man is just going to shag and dump. That's ''kicking tires'' and it annoyed him. Women just aren't allowed to have any agenda of their own online. They must be what men want them to be.

OneFrenchEgg · 30/01/2023 17:52

*Without sounding arrogant, for my age, I'm quite a catch. I Work in the NHS. I still have a six pack, I don't have a beer gut , no Asperger's or mental illness and I've still got all my hair and an adorable kitten! but recently its like a ghost town on Hinge!

I sometimes wonder if my profile is too good and a lot of women swipe on me assuming I'm not interested as I must be out of their league, or in high demand or that I'm an Fboy looking only for a hookup! *

They probably think you're an arrogant ableist fool. HTH.

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 17:57

bloodyeffinnora · 29/01/2023 18:57

i wouldnt bother asking him about another date, if he really wanted to see you he would have asked you by now, but i would stop messaging him

Exactly! You asked him out once, he knows you're keen. He would have asked you out if he was truly interested. Men who fancy you don't need persuading. He's probably keeping you as an option while he dates others.

Draw back and stop initiating conversations

LexMitior · 30/01/2023 18:02

Not interested enough; give courteous goodbye.

pinksunsets · 30/01/2023 18:24

@Discontinued and @dreammattemousse can you please go on a date so this thread can have a happy ending?

Thanks for sharing the guy's perspective on this @Discontinued.

He told me he'd only been on Bumble a few months and has already gone on 6 dates so he is doing pretty well on the app I'd say (and no definitely not a super hot alpha).

OP posts:
dreammattemousse · 30/01/2023 18:30

I'm 31 with two kids
A solid 7
Interested dis??

Watchkeys · 30/01/2023 18:30

@Discontinued

Your post about you is like a spoof.

Winemygoodenemy · 30/01/2023 18:41

@pinksunsets I dated lots when OLD. It’s frustrating when you think it went well and no mention of a second date. I had lots of let’s meet again, but no dates. As if lip service - but suppose for a few I did say yes and let the conversation fizzle. Just ask him if he wants to meet again. Then let him arrange it. You will know then. annoyance of old is not knowing if they like you or being polite.

my DP was nice on the first date. He did ask me out again as we were leaving. No firm plans but would you like to do this again? He did arrange something a few days later. But took a few days.

AreWeThereYet69 · 30/01/2023 18:50

Yep, agree with what most others have said. He's not that bothered. If he was, you'd know.
I wouldn't ask him about again.
Next!

Tellmeimcrazy · 30/01/2023 18:59

Answer his texts but only have a short convo then just say "look I need to go but let me know if and when you can meet again and what you may have in mind, I'm around" and leave it at that. If he messages again and doesn't ask you out, just leave it. Honestly it should be seamless when someone is into you and you into them. It just works

SuperHandss · 30/01/2023 19:45

Agree with the PP who mentions a back burner. You’re on the bench. It’s fine if you enjoy the virtual company but a time waster if not.

Hearmeout · 30/01/2023 19:52

A date is not a date until there is a date (and time)
and after one date nothing much is happening...
Nature will always find the path of least resistance, so if this isn't flowing, it's not meant for you. Trust the law of nature and what's meant to be and let this one die off.

Discontinued · 30/01/2023 20:06

dreammattemousse · 30/01/2023 18:30

I'm 31 with two kids
A solid 7
Interested dis??

That would be fun! I'm based near Spitalfields, East London!

Pm me!

dreammattemousse · 30/01/2023 21:35

Dis
Damn in in Bristol 😭😭

Discontinued · 30/01/2023 23:03

What a pity, I must say, I'm very flattered!

Like two ships passing in the night,

Story of my life!

If I'm ever in the west country or you are ever in London let me know, I'm a great tour guide. I know all the best cafes, off the beaten track cosy pubs and places to dance!

Discontinued · 31/01/2023 12:31

Sadly things didn't work out, I probably should have said I'm 49!
going back to the OP, I would say if you messaged him and he hasn't got back, let it fizzle out, it sounds like he's a bit of a coward, maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings?

Getting rejected is crap especially if you don't know why, it causes you to question all sorts of things about yourself,

Put it down to learning, failure is a great teacher, not that you failed in anyway, he did!

You'll find someone 100 times better I'm sure of it